Perdition - dhaatk

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Perdition by dhaatk

 

Story Title - 5 out of 5

I love titles like these, short and make you wonder the meaning. After reading the definition from your foreword, I think it suits your story and I like how you tied it in as well.

Description/Foreword - 4 out of 5

The description is quite literal, and pretty much sums up the one shot. I suggest making it a bit more vague. There are no problems with the foreword and I'm glad you put the definition of your title there!

Story Layout - 5 out of 5

I like the poster, although it's quite unusual for an office setting. It makes it seem like the story would be fantasy or supernatural. (I'm not going to dock any points though, posters will just be posters...) However it is misleading.

Also easy to read font and a background that doesn't hurt my eyes. Good job.

Grammar/Spelling - 15 out of 20

Red: Removed/added words, punctuation, etc.

Bolded: Replaced words, punctuation, etc.

 

Original: a confused look appeared onto secretary's face, as she stood up.

Corrected: a confused look appeared onto his secretary's face as she stood up.

I emitted the comma because of its awkward placement. I tried saying it out loud as well, but it didn’t work for me.

 

Original: He when collapsed onto big leather chair and sank into it.

Corrected: He collapsed onto the big leather chair and sank into it.

 

Original: The gasp of his secretary, caused by his order, on the other side of the door was loud enough for him to hear.

Revised: The gasp of his secretary on the other side of the door was loud enough for him to hear.

I just wanted to make a little suggestion here, but from the secretary’s gasp, most are able to infer it’s because of his order. I personally like it this way better, because you are showing rather than telling. But it’s all up to you! I just wanted to bring it up.

 

Original: He could not understand why would he be so nervous about coming to work late or not even doing his job.

Revised: He could not understand: why would he be so nervous about coming to work late or not even doing his job?

If this is a rhetorical question, it would be more understandable to place a question mark rather than a period. If not, the sentence is difficult to understand and would sound better as such:

Revised: He could not understand why he would be so nervous about coming to work late and not even doing his job.

 

Original: Then the young man drifted into consideration of whom he sho

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Author's Thoughts
CapriquariusMei
Calling myheartswishes, your review has been completed. Sorry for the wait!!
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snowflake16 #1
Chapter 54: Thank you, tyrhfjd, for the review! Picked up and credited! It's been a half century but it's here now so I'm not going to complain lol.
I'm glad you liked the story and I do agree with your points about the title and the confusion about 'Kris Leone' who in fact is not an OC but a real person in K-rock lol. I wanted to troll the hell out of readers by using 'Kris' xD
Thank you for your review. I enjoyed reading it :D
yuu_sama #2
Chapter 53: Dear, reviewer-nim ^^
Thank you very much for everything you have done. I deeply appreciate it. Actually I have been expecting that you would give this fanfiction very, very low score, but since you gave me higher than my expectation, I need to thank you once again. Well, I believe that reviewing my story was troublesome to you to some extent... I'm aware of how boring and badly-written it actually is, but thank you, you've worked hard to complete your review. And can I say that you point out everything PERFECTLY?? Your review is PERFECT, no doubt about it! I won't go against it either! Can I copy paste your review into my personal note, so I can use it for future revision?

About English, I've been learning it since 2006... and that's when I went to university. I always have the greed to know more and more about English, just because, yeah, I love English. It is like a door that leads me to the real, wide world. And through it, I can learn many things, new things I never know before. English is very helpful and I always encourage myself to learn it seriously, from books, movies, songs, everything! And I realize... "Six Drops to Ecstasy" is my experiment. It's more like the reflection of my will to learn English rather than a literature (hahaha, did I use the correct expression?). That's why, I've been thinking of starting all over again. Rewriting the story. Changing certain aspects of the characters. Simplifying my words. I need to do this, because I grow to love this story now and want to make it "more worthy to read as a literature work". For the sake of my six Sakamaki vampires, I'll never abandon this story... and yeah, because this is a tribute to Diabolik Lovers.

(OMG, sorry for my very bad English)
>//<
KnowRain #3
Chapter 52: Thanks for the review! I'm glad you enjoyed it and thank you so much for pointing out my grammatical errors...I've been extremely lazy and haven't bothered to edit anything since i'm currently busy struggling through the last year of high school, and the one thing about grammar that I often get confused about is tenses so...thanks for that.
Anyway, will credit you right now! xD
suzyelf #4
Chapter 5: Story Title: I Once Fell in Love
Story Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/912472/i-once-fell-in-love-vixx-ravi-ken-jaehwan-raven-wonjae-raken
Genre(s): slice-of-life, romance
Main Character(s): Ken, Ravi
Brief Summary: Girls should be the ones who make Lee Jaehwan fall in love.
Preferred Reviewer: Rebel
Additional Comment (ie. main focus?): Thanks in advance! ^^
Password (See Description/Foreword if you don't know =D): call me baby - exo
mischievous_akmood #5
Chapter 51: I saw my review, and thank you for the feedback ^^
EPIONE #6
Chapter 46: Hello, sorry I'm really late, but thank you so much for doing the review.
Hm. Have you ever heard of the Peter Pan Complex? It does exist in some individuals. It's a complex against growing up. In the shoes of someone who's never struggle with a neuroses, the sentiments must have seemed forced. Ga, this just means I need to work harder on my writing skills to portray the complexes. Thank you for pointing that out. I think maybe I over-generalised the fear of growing up, because I did have that fear to the point that I couldn't sleep at night, and leading to other health problems. Perhaps not everybody is like that, but from personal experience, I didn't think it wasn't an exaggeration. STILL It's a comfort to know that not everybody has to struggle through that haha. Thank you.
Anyway, thank you for a different perspective on the story. It's despairingly interesting. Haha. I will be crediting this shop right now.
Love,
Epione
ByungHannie #7
Chapter 27: May I just ask who did my review? I found her review very helpful and I want to put her username as a credit in my foreword ;)
snowflake16 #8
Chapter 5: Story Title: My Girlfriend the Cheater
Story Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/921011/
Genre(s): romance, comedy and light angst
Main Character(s): Chanyeol, Kris, Hani
Brief Summary:
Chanyeol is the typical lover. From chocolate boxes, sweet kisses, and flowers; he’s ideal boyfriend material. Willing to do anything for love, and oversensitive when he needn’t be, he always does what he can to indulge Kris.
However, his beloved is a little bit different because in Kris’ picture there exists a Hani. Being close friends can sometimes come with unexpected consequences; there are things going on behind Chanyeol’s back.
How will he cope when Kris’ fidelity is brought into question?
Preferred Reviewer: tyrhfjd
Additional Comment (ie. main focus?): plot, characters, enjoyment, grammar, punctuation; basically the rubrics
Password (See Description/Foreword if you don't know =D): The End - Kris Leone
Thank you :D
queenxb #9
Story Title: Star-crossed Killers
Story Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/921931/
Genre(s): Romance, Angst(?)
Main Character(s): Kai x Kim Haera (OC)
Brief Summary: Kim Haera may look the part, but she’s definitely nothing close to an angel. Bred to have the hands of a killer and be the next heir of the Kim Empire, she stops at nothing to get what she wants. That is, until she meets the equally ruthless Kai, who is next in line to rule the Exo Clan. Feared by many and trained to be an emotionless, heartless killing machine, Kai rules with an iron fist. This is a modern twist on Romeo and Juliet & Mr. & Mrs. Smith where two lovers, born by rivalry fall in love.
Preferred Reviewer: any
Additional Comment (ie. main focus?): Punctuation & grammar
Password (See Description/Foreword if you don't know =D): Angel 2 Me - McKay ft. Jeff Bernat
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