Tainted Blades by -KAWAII

Story Title - 2.5 out of 5

The title of the story is not bad at all. I can understand right away that this is an action/fantasy/angst story without being spoiled about the whole plot. I do wonder how and why would the blades be tainted. However, the title“Tainted Blades” is rather commonplace. I can stick the title onto any other action/fantasy/angst story that involve blades and it would still work for them too. It would be better if your title contains something specific that’s unique to your story, so it would stand out from the other titles.

Description/Foreword - 4 out of 5

The dramatic first line of the description was well-done. From the start, I could feel the pending danger when you compare life to game. It also suggests that a strategic game or battle would be involved in the story, which is exciting for the readers who are looking for this kind of adventure. The first line relates back to the genre too. Well done!

However, the second section of the description sounds cliche. It would be more attractive if you rephrase it. Actually, your description is better off if you take away  “Rival meets rival, and both meets a girl.” altogether. If you didn’t mention about the girl, I would be wondering more about the “reward” which you mentioned later.

The other part of the description is interesting, especially the part about the “Outsider”. I can’t wait to find out who that is.

The foreword is neat. It’s a good idea that the character’s profiles are only limited to their ages, so we don’t get spoiled ahead of time. Good job!

Story Layout - 4 out of 5

The poster is great! You got everything from the two boys on either sides of one girl and the misty fantasy effect. But the shade can be darker to emphasize that this is a angst story. The spacing between the paragraph is appropriate. The font is readable, but the size is too small.

Grammar/Spelling - 13 out of 20

Generally, there are not much mistakes with the sentence structures, however, there are a lot of run-on sentences. They can be read better if the long sentences are split into two. There are problem with the consistency of the past tense too. You tend to incorrectly switch from past tense to present tense sometimes. If you can, it is better to get a beta reader.

Description:

Original: “Two boys were born in the rivalry of their fathers.”

Correction: ‘Two boys were born amid the rivalry of their fathers.”

Chapter 0:

Original: Jungkook just shrugged and darted his eyes around boringly.

Correction: Jungkook just shrugged and darted his eyes around, bored.

Original: “The lower rankings admired him and girls adored him. Jungkook was a handsome eighteen year old boy.”

Correction: The lower rankings admired him and girls adored him. Jungkook was a handsome eighteen-year-old boy.

Original:  “The so called King and Queen…”

Correction:  “The so-called King and Queen…”

Notes: There are other places that are missing hyphens too. Please take note of that.

Original:  “...and because of him they became arrogant and cocky.”

Correction: “... and because of him they be