Patient #478 by -Muasbby

Story Title – 3 out of 5

My first impression: I feel like it’s a bit too creepy for the ambience of it overall. It makes me think that it’s a hospital horror with ghosts and blood (and yes, although those were all incorporated) I mean to the extremes.

Description/Foreword – 4 out of 5

There’s no description and only a foreword. If you had difficulties with a description, a simple quote would be good, since I have seen a few novels like that. Besides that, the foreword is very intriguing and I would make no changes to it.

Story Layout – 5 out of 5

Nice, readable font and the poster… It matches the girl, since she’s holding that bear. Although it’d be nice if a different image of Hoya was used, he looks like a punk.

Grammar/Spelling/Writing Style - 17 out of 20

Chapter One:

For this sentence, I found it to sound better without the comma. It may be a preference thing, so keep it whichever way you think sounds better.

Original: Taegi walked in the room, where the scared girl was located. 

Revised: Taegi walked in the room where the scared girl was located. 

Original: Grabbing their stuff, he stopped to looked at her.

Corrected: Grabbing their stuff, he stopped to look at her.

Chapter Two:

I noticed you overused the word “she”, in this particular paragraph. It’s not grammatically incorrect, but would sound better if you rephrased it.

Original: she read the address. She grabbed her things and got out of the car. She rang the doorbell and a woman opened it.

(You don’t need to use this example, this is only to show how it would be without the she’s. This is entirely a writing style thing, but it would improve your writing if you found other ways to phrase it without overusing one word.)

Revised: She read the address and grabbed her things as she got out of the car, ringing the doorbell and immediately being answered by a woman in her mid-thirties.

The reason this is used incorrectly is because the semi-colon is used to connect two related, but independent clauses. “terrified with a mixture of confusion” is dependent, thus being more accurate to use a colon or comma here.

Original: Narin turned to Sumin, they both gave each other the same look; terrified with a mixture of confusion.

Corrected: Narin turned to Sumin, they both gave each other the same look: terrified with a mixture of confusion.