A/N: Hey, guys. It’s extremely recommended to listen to Kyuhyun and Jongwoon’s ‘Your Eyes’ when you read this chapter. — EK

~

The darkness of the dimmed auditorium lightens compared to the dusk of shallowness in the pit of Kyuhyun’s stomach, burying itself significantly like an unending abyss of regret and shame as the beginning of the song’s piano piece is being played beautifully at a black grand piano by the side of the stage. He doesn’t want to look at him but he still casts a glance to the man he has lost. It eats every remaining ray of light in him like a monster and a storm, too deadly and too strong.

He questions all the decisions he made in his life so far, questions every twist and turn that happened until now, questions if sacrificing him – hurting him – is worth it. Who is he protecting? Who is he saving? Suddenly, everything is caught in a whirlpool of mixed, blurred memories and hopeful, hopeless dreams that might or might never come true.

His head slightly moves again and his low eyes settles on the man beside him in dark pants and dark coat but nothing compares to the darkness of his eyes when he returns his gaze, nothing there besides unfamiliarity and gloat. He’s not the one to tell himself he deserves otherwise, though.

No more lies, he thinks to himself, tasting poison on his mouth.

Jongwoon feels his gaze more than once or twice as the piano piece opens their performance of the night. He feels those beautiful eyes, still beautifully brown, studies his every move and learns his every gesture like it will mean something, like it will be some sort of remembrance of what could have been. He doesn’t share it though, Kyuhyun’s questions, and as he turns to return Kyuhyun’s gaze on him, it’s not lies when he tells him.

It’s over, his eyes shift to the audience as the piano concludes and the curtains of the stage finally opens for him and Kyuhyun.

Tonight, it will be finally over.

The thing about being on stage is you don’t really see anybody in the audience. You can’t think everyone is or in their underwear simply because you can’t see anybody. It’s scary and dreadful because you can’t see if they are captivated, enticed or just amused with whatever you are doing. But that’s a great thing, too, maybe because then you’ll be able to express yourself without it warranting permission or approval from any person, without fear.

That’s what Kyuhyun always thinks whenever he performs on stage for many people. People he knows, people he doesn’t know, it doesn’t matter for Kyuhyun because when he sings, he wants to sing from his heart and hopefully, no matter who they are, people he knows, people he doesn’t know, they will be able to understand what he wishes to convey.

It’s quiet and it’s dark, besides the beautiful lighting they have on stage and the instruments playing behind them, so when Kyuhyun opens his mouth, he doesn’t look at anybody but Jongwoon.

I want to erase all of my insufficient former self

It seems like someone like me has nothing to give to you

He opens his mouth and it’s like he opens the entire auditorium into a new world. He doesn’t want to look and sound so vulnerable, so exposed about what he is feeling and about what he is going through to people who doesn’t even know him or Jongwoon but his voice brings them to another place, to a painful universe where you can’t just be with someone you want to be with, where you can’t just love someone, where you can’t express a love that is deemed by the world inappropriate and disgusting.

He opens his mouth and he tells his story, their story, and when Jongwoon answers, lets them hear his voice and his answer, albeit anxious to look at Kyuhyun like the latter and settling for the darkness of what lies ahead, they are able to hear a voice and an answer of another universe, still with a lot of pain but with a glimpse of hope this time, of a place where you can be who you want to be and where you can love who you want to love.

The side of me that I kept hidden, the one that wants you, my sincerity

Not even once was I able to show to you so

Kyuhyun clearly remembers that day, like it only happened yesterday when Jongwoon told him everything, all truth. He remembers that day, when Jongwoon confronted him and told him his feelings, when he put everything on risk, his happiness and himself, no matter how he will react, he wanted to tell him his feelings and he did. There hasn’t been a day since then he doesn’t recall that day, when Jongwoon told him he loves him but he turns him away, when as much as he wants to be the one to protect Jongwoon this time, he’s still the one to hurt him.

It isn’t true, he showed himself perfectly to Kyuhyun, not at first because he wanted to protect Kyuhyun most of all but he showed who he was, who he is, and who he wants to be. He was and is sincere but it is Kyuhyun who turns away, chooses to keep a blind eye because it’s easier.

Just once, look back at me

It seems you’re still not standing too far away

He doesn’t want that anymore. He doesn’t want to be the same person he is, hopeless and regretful. He looks at Jongwoon and sings to him, sings his heart to him because if not now, when? He is still beside him but it seems like he’s gone too far away, so far away Kyuhyun can’t reach to him anymore.

He is still hopeless and he is still regretful. He is an but most of all, he is a coward, to face Jongwoon’s feelings but most of all, to confront his own.

His words almost forces Jongwoon to look back at him because after all this time, it’s not easy to let go of something you so wanted to hold on before. After all this time, when Kyuhyun stands beside him so close like that, he wants to reach out to him but he is wary – he has become wary – to be turned away again, it doesn’t make the longing go away much easier.

Do you still remember? Do you believe that it’s only you for me?
Do you know how long you can keep me by your side?

Their voices mix like the strongest chemical reaction of science there is, too strong to be controlled, too complex to be explained and too far to be reached. Their words sound like statements, statements of truth and questions and broken promises and hopes and dreams for a future they might not see together. They are not aware of the stage anymore, of the people watching them as they sing, of the competition itself that brought them together again, even just then. There is only them and the music guiding them back, back where they were supposed to be.

In this large world, there’s only one person (I only want you)

Jongwoon doesn’t want to believe anymore.

Did you know this about me?

Kyuhyun doesn’t want to hurt him anymore.

Before the seasons roll by, before even time fades away
I try to convey my heart to you but it’s too late

He doesn’t want to believe anymore, to cling into baseless promises and broken dreams they used to build together, back when everything seems like strawberry fields and cloud nine. They were unspoken, yes, and they were childish but back then, they used to talk without words, to tell stories with just stares and simple gestures and shy smiles, they used to love without complications and hurting each other and compromising to what the world feels right.

It’s not that he’s afraid to be hurt again. It’s part of loving. Hurting, that is. But he wants to hurt to a cause worth it, to someone who is willing to fight for him just as much as he is willing to fight for that person may it be them against the world, as cliché as that might sound.

He needs to grow, too, to be a person worth loving and worth fighting for.

He can say time has faded away and that seasons rolled by for them, that it’s time’s up because it’s not worth it anymore. Too much pain and too many sacrifices, too much heartbreak and too many people who have been hurt. What’s the point of this all anyway?

I hesitate and stop and then you’re crushed
If you’re still there, I’m an idiot, forgive me

He is more than an idiot who let their time lapsed.

He doesn’t want to ask for his forgiveness. He doesn’t believe he deserves it, after everything he did for him and everything he did in return. He hurt him so much and there’s no word enough in the world to describe how much he regrets it. A funny thing about time is no matter how much you regret something, there’s no such thing as so much regret as to bring back time.

He looks at him and he doesn’t see pain anymore.

He doesn’t see anything anymore for him in his eyes and it kills him more than seeing hatred and angst.

A little bit

(A little bit)

Walk a little further

(Walk a little further)

And then I’ll be there

He realizes it’s selfish to long for anything for him from Jongwoon, may it be only hatred and angst. He reaches out his hand for him and he walks farther, farther away from him. He tells him the truth and he refuses to listen. It’s true that this has gone for a long time already, of a game of pull and push, until Jongwoon decides it’s over.

He really can’t blame him, can he?

Do you still remember? Do you believe that it’s only you for me?

Jongwoon casts him a tired glance and everything that happened came rushing back to Kyuhyun like every memory demands attention first, from the first text message to the last conversation, from the first laugh to the night after night cries, from the first surge of unexplainable yet so blissful emotions to the storm of known but overwhelming and terrifying feelings.

Suddenly, he wants to extend his hand to him, to reach to him but like an unknown force that once brought them apart and together and apart again, Jongwoon’s figure seems to be getting farther and farther and farther away from him. He inadvertently takes a step backward, a usual response of natural preservation but he can’t seem to stay away.

He walks closer and closer until they may be standing only a hairbreadth away from each other.

Do you know how long you can keep me by your side?

Jongwoon’s voice brings him back, like how he always seem to do when he’s lost and confused, and he sees him standing just the way he is from the first words they sing. He didn’t move, he stayed where he is, beside him, and Kyuhyun wants to move, to move closer because he doesn’t want that, that confusion and lost when he can’t reach him any longer.

In this large world, there’s only one person

He’s afraid it’s not going to be him, but he’s more afraid it’s not going to be him and he’ll remain there, unable to move because in his heart, he knows it’s going to be Jongwoon for him even though he knows it’s not him for Jongwoon anymore.

It’s only me

Reality hits like lightning does for Kyuhyun, electrifying enough to give both life and death.

The night I wanted to cry goes by, and in my forgotten dream
My wandering self

He is lost before. He doesn’t know what his purpose in life is. He still doesn’t know but for once, he longs to see someone smile, he wants to spend time with someone, he plans to be part of someone’s life. He doesn’t know what his dream is anymore and he doesn’t want to dream a future without him but it’s lost already, isn’t it? He looks at Jongwoon and he sees the depth of darkness in the older’s eyes and somehow, he knew he already lost it. He already lost him and it doesn’t hit him much harder that before than it hit him now.

You hold tight in your arms

Jongwoon doesn’t want to look away. He cares so much for him it doesn’t matter if he sees through him again, if he sees just how much this is killing him as much as he thinks this is going to save him. He wants to end the song. He wants the music to finish. Because he’s afraid that if it drags on longer, more than necessary, a shred of pain and longing would escape his carefully guarded emotions once again and he’ll be as vulnerable and weak as he was.

And I won’t stray anymore

He wants this to be done so he won’t be here anymore.

Do you still remember? Do you believe that it’s only you for me?
Do you know how long you can keep me by your side?

Kyuhyun doesn’t want the song to end. He doesn’t want the music to finish. Because he’s afraid that if it does, if it ends, he’ll no longer have Jongwoon beside him, see him, talk to him even only though a song.

But some things just have to end.

In this large world, there’s only one person (I only want you)

Jongwoon opens his mouth and pours everything in this last piece of the last thing he is going to share with Kyuhyun, letting it slip even just this moment, even just this once. He doesn’t care if he’s being vulnerable or weak or if Kyuhyun is going to see right through him again because he knows this will be the last.

But in those words, as his eyes meet with Kyuhyun’s, he says a silent prayer of thanks to him for bringing smiles to Jongwoon’s mornings, of letting him feel emotions he never thought he is capable of feeling anymore, emotions he never thought he deserves to be felt. He says a silent prayer for him that no matter what happened between them, it hurt him but he didn’t regret any bit of it with Kyuhyun beside him. A silent prayer of thanks and that he wishes Kyuhyun happiness.

Kyuhyun understands and as he says the final words of the song they once called theirs, he gives Jongwoon a long gaze and when the older meets his eyes, he says more than what the words he is singing means. He says an apology of hurting Jongwoon, of hurting him so much despite everything Jongwoon did for him, of hurting him so deeply even though Jongwoon had only done nothing but love him. He says an apology for everything he did that hurt Jongwoon and that he also wishes Jongwoon happiness.

Did you know this about me?

The last of the instruments start to fade to none and the only piece that’s remaining is the solemn sound of the grand piano, a sound that’s both calm and loud like how Jongwoon and Kyuhyun sang. It is both sincere and powerful and neither knew the effect of how they sang until the last key of piano is played and they are left on the stage with a deafening silence of slow breaths and quiet sniffs and every light inside the auditorium blinds them and the applause of the audience deafens them.

~

“Ends are not bad things, they just mean that something else is about to begin. And there are many things that don’t really end, anyway, they just begin again in a new way. Ends are not bad and many ends aren’t really an ending; some things are never-ending.” — C. JoyBell C.

HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PERSONS IN THE WORLD FOR ME, KIM JONGWOON. THE WORLD WON’T EVER BE THE SAME AGAIN FOR ME WITHOUT YOU, YOUR QUIRKS, YOUR OCTOPUS DANCES AND ESPECIALLY YOUR VOICE. (AND OF COURSE, MY BELOVED OTHER HALF OF KYUSUNG/YEKYU.) YOU DON’T KNOW ME BUT I STILL LOVE YOU.

I hope you live a happy and healthy life for a long time.

Continue to be the kind of blessing you are to people.

Happy birthday to you! ❤ ❤ ❤