Sooyeon cries her heart out. She’s aware of the eyeliner she still hasn’t removed from her eyes that must be running now and she’s aware of how bloodshot her eyes may be already and no matter how much her mother tries to coax her into telling her what happened and promising to her that whatever the matter is, it will be alright, Sooyeon remains crying because she knows that what happened isn’t right. So how could it ever be?

“Sweetheart, Sooyeon-ah, stop crying already, please,” her mother says to her, rubbing her back to sooth her hiccups because of crying for two long already. How long has it been since she got home with her face bloated because of crying? Five hours? She’s been crying for five hours straight and her mother knew that whatever it is, it must have been pretty serious because her daughter isn’t really a crybaby – take it literally or not. She’s a brat, yes, but she’s not a crybaby. Isn’t it that that’s the trait she needs to practice more? It’s because she’s not used to it, really.

Sooyeon only hiccups and cries even harder, squeezing her face on the pillow she’s been holding since she got home, the pillow that’s now so wet because of tears worth for five hours.

“Sweetie, what’s wrong?” her mother tries again. “You know you can tell me anything, right? You know I love you no matter what, right?”

No, Sooyeon sadly thinks as she momentarily stops crying because of that and hears her mother, crying further because of this because there’s no way she can tell her mother this and have her mother still love her no matter what. There’s just no way and Sooyeon doesn’t know if she can handle another person she so loves turn her back on her.

It’s different but the concept of love, is it really so?

“Miyoung-ah, I’ll take you to the infirmary, okay?” Sooyeon says to Miyoung who went to school despite not feeling well and now, she’s burning with fever, barely managing to open her eyes and having trouble breathing. Sooyeon is getting very worried.

Miyoung smiles and nods, letting Sooyeon hold her hand as Sooyeon leads her out of the building and to the infirmary. After talking with the school doctor, Dr. Song, Miyoung does have a fever and she is supposed to be resting if she wants to recover as soon as possible – which is pretty much needed for high school seniors as they can’t really afford to miss classes.

“Here, wear this,” Sooyeon offers her sleeping mask to Miyoung. She usually brings one wherever she goes because Sooyeon can literally sleep anywhere and she loves sleeping. “I’ll come back this afternoon, okay?”

Miyoung nods her head tiredly and Sooyeon puts on her the sleeping mask.

“Sleep,” Sooyeon says before standing up from sitting at the edge of Miyoung’s bed and is about to leave but Miyoung suddenly stops her by holding her hand, abruptly but ever so gently. “Miyoung-ah?”

Miyoung moves the sleeping mask up to her forehead so she can see Sooyeon. She gazes at Sooyeon and gently squeezes the other’s hand. “Thank you, Sooyeon-ah,” she says quietly.

Sooyeon smiles, “Rest well, okay?”

Miyoung smiles back and nods her head. “Come back, okay?”

“I will.”

“Promise?”

“Of course.”

Miyoung smiles again, her eyes forming those small crescents that Sooyeon loves very much. She puts on her sleeping mask again and Sooyeon turns her heels to leave but turns back again just as quickly to place a light peck on Miyoung’s lips.

Sooyeon chuckles when Miyoung smiles just after the kiss and says, “Tricky.”

Later that afternoon, just as Sooyeon had promised, she runs back to the infirmary after her classes as quickly as she can. But then, her world comes rumbling down when down on her bed, she sees Miyoung kissing Kim Taeyeon.

She’s not a crier, not really. She’s not even crying on the very saddest movies and rarely anything can make her cry for real – not her parents or Kyuhyun. But Sooyeon doesn’t know how her eyes suddenly produce so many tears that her shoulders are soon vehemently shaking and her nose is running. Miyoung hears her soft sobs and Miyoung quickly tears her lips off Taeyeon’s. Shocked, Miyoung looks back from the girl she’s kissing and to the girl standing by the door, all dolled-up but looking so miserable.

“Sooyeon-ah…” Miyoung starts but before she can explain anything, Sooyeon runs out of the room and the infirmary.

How can she be so stupid?

She bumps into Kyuhyun and Jongwoon on her way out of the university. She barely acknowledges them but she recognizes them and it’s really pathetic how she wished Kyuhyun could follow her and ask her what’s wrong. Not that she’s still into Kyuhyun or something. She never was and she doesn’t think she’ll ever be. It’s just that, it would be nice to know that someone still cares.

But Sooyeon reaches home that afternoon without anybody stopping her.

“Eomma,” Sooyeon removes her buried face from the damped pillow already and faces her mother for the first time since she came home that afternoon.

Her mother looks at her, not knowing what happened, but what mother likes to see their daughter or their child crying all their soul out because of something they doesn’t even have any idea what, right? She hugs Sooyeon tightly and says, “It’s okay, honey. It’s okay.” And Sooyeon only cries harder because it’s not and with what she’s about to do, she knows it’s not even going to be near okay.

But Sooyeon can’t handle any more pretensions now. She’s had all her life that way and she doesn’t want any more heartbreak in the future so might as well have them all now. After all, she’s already broken. How broken can she ever get?

“Eomma, what if I don’t like Kyuhyun-oppa?” Sooyeon begins, hiccupping and choking between words and syllables, barely making her voice audible but her mother hears her.

Her mother looks confused at her but then realizes what Sooyeon must be saying. She hugs her daughter tightly again and says, “It’s okay, sweetheart. It’s okay. I’m only matching you with Kyuhyun because you spend so much time together and you’re really good friends and I thought you’ll be really good for each other. I don’t mean to push you to him, sweetie, if you don’t like him.”

If Sooyeon could be entirely honest, she’ll tell her mother that that isn’t the case. It’s not that she doesn’t like Kyuhyun but the other way around. Maybe, if Kyuhyun had said yes to her, this wouldn’t have happened but what happened between her and Miyoung until that afternoon, Sooyeon couldn’t say that she’d want to have it any other way.

“Then, what if I like somebody else?” Sooyeon continues because it doesn’t really matter anymore now who likes who and who doesn’t like who between her and Kyuhyun. This is a matter of who Sooyeon really is and if her mother’s ever going to accept that – if the world’s ever going to accept that.

“Of course, it’s okay, sweetheart,” her mother says, holding both her shoulders and smiling lovingly at her. “Whoever you like, that’s for you to decide. I can never decide for you for that.” She smiles at Sooyeon, like any loving mother would.

“Then,” Sooyeon opens , her eyes focused on her mother’s, “what if that someone I like isn’t a guy?”

Her mother removes her hands planted on Sooyeon’s shoulders, her jaws dropped low and hanging. She opens to speak and then closes it, looking at Sooyeon critically and then standing up. She walks back and forth Sooyeon’s room and Sooyeon doesn’t really need any words to understand what her mother must be feeling now.

The look on her mother’s eyes after she’s asked that tells enough…

Of judgment…

Of disgust…

Of condemnation…

Sooyeon closes her eyes tightly in hopes that it could stop the pain in her heart. She thought that nothing could break her heart any longer but she’s wrong because there’s nothing that could hurt more than have those people who you thought would be there for you no matter what and who’ll accept you for who you are turn their backs on you.

She understands her mother. She really does.

But she’s only told her the truth? Was that so selfish?

Our integrity sells for so little but that is the very last inch of us.

A/N: Hey guys! I missed you all. Did you miss me, too? Haha >:)) I’m so sorry for not updating but I think I’m on the roll again for this fic? I hope you guys are still there with me and KyuSung until the end.

If I can’t update at least one chapter a day from now on, I’ll update every other day. Or if I still can’t, I promise to update every other week (This is the most extreme! Haha!). So please, please anticipate. :))

I really love to hear your thoughts, guys. Advance happy holidays! – Elle Kim