Jongwoon doesn’t know what good it will bring.

Kyuhyun doesn’t know where this will take them.

But they still find themselves standing before each other, when everyone has already left the university, and Jongwoon decides that the turtles in the botanical garden are probably sick of hearing his cries, and Kyuhyun decides that the skies are probably tired of his endless questions, where no one will comfort them and no one will answer their questions. The moon is already lighting the entire world but theirs.

“Kyu,” Jongwoon gasps, stopping his feet.

Kyuhyun looks at him, surprised. “Hyung,” he mutters, standing about three meters away from Jongwoon.

They stand like that, looking at each other for a moment.

It’s funny, because then, it feels like everything is alright, like nothing huge has just been revealed to everybody, like there are nothing to think of, nothing to be afraid of, just questions to be answers honestly. It’s funny, because why does it feel like that when it’s only them? The world spins around the sun and both Kyuhyun and Jongwoon know that the world doesn’t orbit around them. The world will not stop because of them. It will only ridicule them, it will mock them, but never will it stop because of them. Why does it did now?

“Why didn’t you tell me, hyung?”

“I wanted to, Kyuhyun,” Jongwoon answers, but even he knows that is not enough. “I wanted to…”

“Then why didn’t you?!”

Kyuhyun is frustrated, and he’s tired and confused, and Jongwoon understands where Kyuhyun is getting from, but it’s also lonely for Jongwoon. It’s also tiring for Jongwoon. He looks up at Kyuhyun and is stricken by the sorrow etched in Kyuhyun. He’s tired, yes, but Jongwoon isn’t giving up for Kyuhyun.

“It's been so hard for me, Kyu... I wanted to tell you how I feel about you but I can't. I just couldn't because I know... God, I know I would put your life on risk and I just couldn't ruin your life like that. I can't do that to you, Kyu. As much as I love you and I want to be with you, I can't bring back those painful memories... It's been so hard for me, Kyuhyun...”

As much as I love you and I want to be with you...

“What?! You think it's easy for me, hyung? Not knowing who you are, not knowing the face of the person I've been in love with for months, who I've known only through texts and chats? You think it's easy for me to think that every ing second I'm falling more and more in love with you... as Kim Jongwoon... there's a part of me inside that feels like I'm betraying Kim Yesung? That person who's been beside me when you weren't! You think that's easy, hyung?!”

… the person I’ve been in love with for months.

There’s a thick, full of tension atmosphere around them, and they both feel like the world is suffocating them when nobody else is around them but each other. It’s like the building around the university are engulfing them, moving closer and closer towards them until it crashes them together.

Both carries something unimaginable for people to understand, for some people to even mock them and laugh about. They just don’t know two worlds are collapsing. They just don’t realize two hearts are probably on the verge of shattering, maybe even forever.

The problem with people is they think they understand someone’s pain. They probably could, some part of it, but you can never truly understand someone’s pain wholly, unless you’ve been there, unless you’ve been him. Because the truth is, we’re all going through something unthinkable for others. It might be nothing for some; it might be everything to you. It’s just that some people are better at hiding it, at smiling even though it hurts, at laughing even though they are not really happy and at saying ‘It’s okay, everything’s okay’ even though in reality, it’s already killing them and their entire world is in the verge of falling apart.

“Kyu... I didn't mean to lie to you. I wanted to tell you –” Jongwoon starts again in futile attempt.

“Then, why didn't you, hyung?! Why did you wait for Yoona to open this – us – up to the entire university?!” Kyuhyun hollers, and it’s probably not right to be angry, to be that mad when he doesn’t even know the whole story but that’s just Kyuhyun’s point! He doesn’t know what’s going on. He doesn’t even know half of the story. How is he supposed to trust Jongwoon again?

Jongwoon looks at Kyuhyun’s eyes and he doesn’t see Kyuhyun anymore. He sees a mad person, a confused person, a person who wants to ask so many questions and who won’t accept any answer but that’s not Kyuhyun. It’s probably the right time for him to tell everything to Kyuhyun, his feelings and everything in the past, but he knows it’s not going anywhere with Kyuhyun.

Kyuhyun is lost.

But Jongwoon is afraid. He wants to hold Kyuhyun so much and he’s so afraid that if he doesn’t tell what Kyuhyun needs to hear –wants to hear, he’s going to lose Kyuhyun. He is so afraid of that so even though he knows it’s not the best time, he still tries.

“I was scared, Kyu... of so many things.”

“That's bull, hyung! You could have told me everything and it still wouldn't change a thing...”

It still wouldn’t change a thing, Jongwoon looks painfully at Kyuhyun. What about now, Kyu? Is this going to change everything?

“You don't understand, Kyuhyun…” Jongwoon tries explaining because that’s where it began, with his parents threatening Kyuhyun’s life. It probably began way before that, with Hyesung, but it’s so messed up Jongwoon can’t think of anything anymore than preventing Kyuhyun from walking out of his life.

You know that feeling when you want something so much, when you don’t want something to happen so much, that you defy all reasons and logic and rules and rational just that something.

Jongwoon wants Kyuhyun so much.

Jongwoon doesn’t want to lose Kyuhyun so much.

“My parents...” Jongwoon starts.

“I can't do this anymore, hyung,” Kyuhyun rudely cuts him off, too confused to actually ask, too tired to actually listen. It’s not fair for Jongwoon because Kyuhyun still believes that Jongwoon cares for him and would not do anything intentionally to hurt him, like what Sooyoung told him, but at that moment, there’s just too much for Kyuhyun to process. “I can't do this now.”

“Kyu, please...” Jongwoon isn’t ready to give up. “Try to listen to me. I want you to understand...”

“Understand what, hyung? That you've been lying to me this whole time?” Kyuhyun suddenly snaps.

“Kyu... I...”

“You should know, hyung... that you're the person I trust the most, I look up the most... that you're –,” Kyuhyun pauses and his eyes meet Jongwoon’s and at that moment, Jongwoon sees the person he cares for so much, the person he wants to protect so much that in the end, he ends up hurting. He sees Kyuhyun with so much pain and it kills Jongwoon.

... the person I love the most.

“I'm sorry, hyung...” Kyuhyun says instead, looking away from Jongwoon. “I really can't do this anymore.”

“Kyuhyun!” Jongwoon calls after him as Kyuhyun walks passed him and walks away from him.

Jongwoon will not be able to follow Kyuhyun anymore. Sadness? Pain? Anger? Guilt? He can't fathom anymore what emotion he really is feeling except for one - loss.

Loss when he saw Kyuhyun looking at him with those hurt, questioning eyes.

Loss when Kyuhyun won't let him explain himself because really, Jongwoon will explain what happened to Hyesung. He will explain what happened to his parents. He will explain what he did and why he did that. But how does he explain himself? How does he explain how much he loves Kyuhyun? How does he say that in plain words?

Loss when all he ever wanted is to protect Kyuhyun and his happiness but everything Kyuhyun has said to him is also true.

Loss when Kyuhyun walks away from him and leaves him.

Loss when Jongwoon feels that it's forever.

And loss when Jongwoon can only stand there and watch Kyuhyun walk farther and farther away from him.

A/N:

I should say that it actually broke my heart when I was writing this chapter. T^T

I can’t even…

*cries*