“It’s not so much about how you can’t live without it, Jongwoonie,” she says in a soft whisper the sound of a cotton candy being made by a machine. She’s caressing Jongwoon’s hair as she lies quietly on the hospital bed. Jongwoon is sitting on the chair beside, his face sideways resting on the soft, comfortable material of the bed. “It’s about how you don’t live at all without it.”

“Noona,” Jongwoon mutters, his voice muffled because he’ll miss this. He’ll surely miss this. And he’ll miss her, definitely.

“Hm?”

“Eomma and appa are gonna be furious,” Jongwoon continues, clutching the sheet and biting his fingernails. “They’re gonna be mad at me.”

“I’m sorry, Jongwoonie,” she answers in a hushed tone. “But I can’t let you suffer anymore… I can’t do that to you.”

“But I’m fine with it, noona,” Jongwoon tells her. “It’s fine with me as long as you’ll live, as long as you’ll stay here with me.”

She smiles and looks up, controlling the stray tears on her eyes that are threatening to fall. She can’t cry in front of her younger brother again. He’s been bearing too much even before he was born just because of her and he’s bore too much up to now also because of her. If there’s something she can do for Jongwoon, that’s to go… now.

“What did I tell you, my Woonie?”

He smiles at that nickname, the one she always used to call her when they’re young until they’ve grown older and outgrew it. He missed her calling him that and it’s so painful to think that she’s not going to call him that anymore. It’s painful; Jongwoon can’t even explain how. It’s like there’s this hand inside his chest, groping his heart so tightly until he can’t feel it anymore.

“It’s not so much about how you can’t live without it,” she repeats her own words. “It’s about how you don’t live at all without it.”

Jongwoon closes his eyes because there’s nothing he can do anymore. Hyesung has made her choice and if there’s something – anything – he can do to relieve her older sister of the pain she’s feeling, then whatever it is, Jongwoon is willing to do it. Even if it means letting her go forever.

“You love games too much, noona.”

“Yes,” she chuckles, playing with Jongwoon’s dark tresses, marveling about the fact in life that you can’t get everything that you want. Sometimes, you don’t get anything that you want at all. But there are still things and people that appear in your life that makes it seem worth living and worth leaving after all.

“More than me?”

“No,” she says, with a light smile on her face. She bits her pale lips and hovers over her younger brother, the person she loves most in the world that she’s living. All she ever wanted is for him to have his own life. And he can’t do that if his life is being patterned on hers. “Of course, not. You’re the most precious thing for me on earth.”

“Then, will you continue watching over me even when you’re not beside me anymore?”

“Of course, my Woonie. Like the cloud you’ve always been to me ever since you were born. You may not always see me and there are times when it’s too dark to see, but know this. Like a cloud, I’ll always be there, up there watching over you.”

“Really, noona?”

“Of course,” she answers. “So whenever you’re scared of something or whenever you’re sad and feeling down, just look up at the sky, okay? And when you see that cloud hovering over you, following you wherever you go, that’s me.”

Jongwoon suddenly sits up straight, surprising Hyesung who’s still playing with the tresses of his dark hair. He looks sincerely and with so much faith at her.

“Stay with me, noona.”

“Always.”

The light of the morning sun penetrates inside Jongwoon’s curtained room. He doesn’t usually wake up because of the light but that morning, it seems like his curtains have been purposely moved so he will wake up. Opening his still sleepy eyes because he hasn’t had much sleep last night and he’s not really blaming the fact that he’s thinking whether he’ll reply to Kyuhyun’s text message as Yesung again or not, he’s still wondering who Jung Soohyun is and what he’ll say to Kyuhyun if Kyuhyun already calls him and tells him about her wife’s plan to destroy their daughter’s life, and he’s kind of thinking what are the things that might happen on Kyuhyun and Yoona’s date that day. No, Jongwoon’s not blaming Kyuhyun for his lack of sleep. He’s simply thinking about some things and they all just coincidentally coincide with the name Cho Kyuhyun. No, Jongwoon’s not thinking about Kyuhyun.

Kyuhyun is simply all he can think about.

He slowly opens his eyes and of course, he darts his still sleepy eyes to the curtains and almost falls off his bed when he sees his father drawing back the curtains to keep his room the usual dark it is.

“Jongwoon-ah,” his father says, his voice low and dangerous. “Are you hanging around my office?”

His senses all awake when he sees his father in his room. They’re never on Jongwoon’s room. They’re always on Hyesung’s room and it’s very seldom that they talk about anything else other than Hyesung. As a matter of fact, his father only talks to him when he’s telling him to change into Hyesung for his falling apart wife.

Now, his senses are all heightened because of what his father said. How did he find out? Are their security cameras inside their house now as well? Why didn’t it get Jongwoon’s attention? No, Jongwoon backtracks. It’s impossible for his father to know because Jongwoon has been very careful.

Does he?

But he can’t let them get to Kyuhyun.

“Good morning, appa,” Jongwoon says, in a voice so stable he almost believes himself that he’s not freaking scared of what his father might do to him if he learns that Jongwoon has snuck up on his office, took something to help someone and who that someone is. “No, appa,” he lies. “Why? Is there something wrong with your office, appa?”

His father only looks at him, long and steady, like he’s measuring whether his son is telling him the truth or a lie. Then, he smiles at Jongwoon. “No, Jongwoon-ah,” he tells him. “Everything’s alright. Come down now. We’re eating breakfast together.”

“As Hyesung?”

“Of course.”

Why did he even have to ask? They never ask Jongwoon to eat with them. Always Hyesung. Will always be Hyesung.

“I’ll come down in five minutes. I’ll just get changed.”

After his father has left, Jongwoon looks at the closed door. It’s not surprising that his father knows the lock on his door but it really makes him worried that his father came to his room. He stands up and makes his bed.

Stopping short before opening his door to get to Hyesung’s and change, Jongwoon wonders if he should just jump out of his room to end this all. His room is on the second floor and if he makes sure that his head will be the one hitting the ground, then death will be guaranteed. Or he can drown himself in the bathroom while changing as Hyesung. Death will be more guaranteed. He just has to make sure that the door is locked and his parents won’t find him easily. He’ll be dead long before they care to look for him.

Jongwoon is quite sure that his windows are tightly locked because air condition is like normal air in their house. It’s always on and their windows are always locked. So when his window suddenly opened and the curtains fly, he looks out and sees the sky and the clouds. Cold breeze enters his room, much, much colder than the air coming from his air conditioner.

He sees the sky and he remembers her words. “Live, Jongwoon.”

His grip on the doorknob tightens as he grits his teeth. “I’m trying, noona,” he says. “I’m trying.”