Testing the water is the most difficult part when it’s winter and it’s early in the morning and you’re supposed to take a bath with no heater in the shower. How cold is the water coming from the shower? How much will it chill your body? How long can you endure the coldness? Those are questions you couldn’t have known the answer unless you turn on the shower and let the water touch your body. But what if it isn’t winter and it’s not early in the morning and you don’t have to take a shower?

It’s the choice that will make it harder.

It’s not like Jongwoon wants to forget about Kyuhyun and what he means to him. It’s just that, it’s hard for Jongwoon to actually fight for what he is feeling for Kyuhyun when Kyuhyun won’t even look at him in the eye. He can take the pain and he knows he said he will wait but considering that, he remembers Joohyun’s question.

How long?

How long is he going to wait? What if he’s going to discover his heart failed him already tomorrow and he’s dying? What if a car hits him like one did with Kyuhyun years ago and instead of losing a part of his memory, he just dies? What if today is the last time he’s ever going to see Kyuhyun and he lets him walk passed him, never being able to tell him he loves him and how sorry he was for everything he did and didn’t do but hurt Kyuhyun along the way?

The thing is, people say ‘you only leave once’ but they don’t understand the gravity of that statement. Just like how often people say ‘I love you’ when they don’t even know the meaning of love.

He knows he loves Kyuhyun and he knows he is willing to wait for Kyuhyun but what if there’s no time left and all he’s got is now. Jongwoon thinks it long enough, much to Heechul’s irritation because he’s like “WHY CAN’T YOU JUST TALK TO HIM???”, and maybe, this can bring a whole new light to what really is Jongwoon to Kyuhyun.

“Oppa, are you sure you’re ready?” Joohyun worriedly asks.

She’s with Sooyoung, Heechul, and Jongwoon at the botanical garden when Jongwoon suddenly says that he’s finally going to come up and talk to Kyuhyun again. It’s not like he’s going to eat or kill Kyuhyun. He just wants to talk, like what Heechul suggests. But Sooyoung and Joohyun are looking at him like he’s decided on a dangerous conquest called ‘Kyuhyun.’

Jongwoon smiles at them because he knows it can’t be helped. He told Heechul everything but Sooyoung and Joohyun are firsthand witnesses when it all happened. At least during the most recent times. He understands their worry and concern.

“I’m just going to talk to him, Hyunie,” Jongwoon assures.

“We know that, oppa,” Sooyoung answers seriously. “But are you sure you’re ready to hear his answer?”

Yes… that’s different, Jongwoon admits on his thoughts but they’re already so worried for him he feels like he has no room to be worried anymore. This is it or never. He doesn’t think he’s ever going to feel this ready again if he doesn’t do it now or if he’s ever going to gather enough courage to come up to Kyuhyun again. He might never talk to Kyuhyun again if he will not do this now.

“Yes,” Jongwoon says even though he doesn’t know if he really is.

“When are you going to talk to him?” Heechul asks, being quiet for a while. He knows he’s been asking Jongwoon to just talk to Kyuhyun and ask him the questions on his mind but seeing Jongwoon now, he can’t explain it but he’s worried, like really worried.

Jongwoon thinks about it and realizes that maybe, he hasn’t thought so much about this. This is the first time he’s going to talk to Kyuhyun after over a month since he told Kyuhyun everything and Kyuhyun started pretending Jongwoon doesn’t exist. (Yes, it took Jongwoon that long to think about what Heechul has been pestering him about instead of losing nights’ sleep thinking what Kyuhyun is thinking.)

But is it really important?, Jongwoon thinks.

He’s going to talk to Kyuhyun and that’s what matters. The time, the people, the surrounding, to be honest, Jongwoon is done caring about everything else that doesn’t matter except those that really, essentially matters, which is, this time, just him and Kyuhyun. If he’s going to talk to Kyuhyun, then he’s going to talk to Kyuhyun. Not the people with Kyuhyun. Not the place Kyuhyun is at.

“Later, Heenim,” Jongwoon answers. “Probably after class.”

“Are you sure you can catch him?”

“Why not?” Jongwoon thinks as Heechul stares at him. Then, he realizes what Heechul is talking about.

Im Yoona.

If there’s going to be an award for the person who doesn’t give up, who does everything (even if it means hurting other people) just so the person she likes will like her back, who loses her pride and dignity just to get what she wants, it’s probably going to be given to Yoona. The girl doesn’t give up. Kyuhyun has told her blatantly that he doesn’t like her, that he likes someone else, and even after Yoona’s drama about Jongwoon lying to Kyuhyun for all the university to hear, Kyuhyun still can’t give a damn about her.

“Why can’t you understand? I don’t like you, Yoona,” Kyuhyun tells her for he can’t track how many times he already did anymore, when she came up to him when Kyuhyun’s transferring from one room to another in between periods.

She’s bouncing, coming up to Kyuhyun, and is holding a container of strawberries for Kyuhyun to eat.

“Can’t you just leave me alone, Yoona?” Kyuhyun asks in frustration.

Yoona is ready to come up with a smart comeback, to be resentfully cute still despite Kyuhyun’s constant rejection of her when she looks at Kyuhyun and realizes that whatever she comes up with will not be heard because Kyuhyun’s mind, eyes, heart is elsewhere.

She doesn’t know when this all became real for her but there’s a stab in her heart she can’t deny when Kyuhyun’s eyes won’t leave Jongwoon who is turning the corner and walking towards their direction because no matter how huge the university is, it’s still not huge enough for someone looking out for a person, despite the actions he’s showing.

Jongwoon sees Kyuhyun with Yoona and he knows Heechul is right. He doesn’t care anymore if Yoona will come up with more lies when he comes up to talk to Kyuhyun but he does care how it will affect Kyuhyun.

His eyes meet with Kyuhyun’s just as Yoona slings her arm on Kyuhyun’s arm.

“People like him don’t belong in our world, oppa,” she whispers on Kyuhyun’s ears.

Kyuhyun grimaces at Yoona’s contact and removes her arm on his and he turns to look at Jongwoon again, he is already gone.

Yoona watches Kyuhyun’s retreating figure and holds the container of strawberries on her hands tightly. She considers running after Kyuhyun but something inside her stops her. She’s gone this far and she doesn’t know what’s holding her back. She knows at first, she only wants Kyuhyun because he’s the only person who does not want her.

But now, Yoona thinks, turning her heels on the opposite direction away from Kyuhyun.

She doesn’t know something real could hurt like this.

Maybe that’s the point, she muses. It’s real, that’s why it hurts so much like this.