If there’s anything that hurts him the most, it’s not Kyuhyun letting him go, it’s not Kyuhyun never holding on to him, it’s not Kyuhyun choosing everything else but him, it’s Kyuhyun being unable to say what he feels for Jongwoon even only once.

It hurts him so much Jongwoon can’t see his way home.

It hurts him so much he thinks he’s heart is finally going to give up.

It hurts him so much it kills him.

He doesn’t know something could hurt so much like this after Hyesung’s death. The moon’s light is flickering, like the hope in his heart that’s slowly, slowly dying, and the breeze surrounding him is getting colder, colder like a heart that has stopped beating. He ignores the pain, the tightening of muscles around his heart and figures it’s nothing compared to the real pain he is suffering from.

He thinks if Kyuhyun only said it once, just once, then maybe it will hurt less. If Kyuhyun had let him known that his feelings are returned, that it isn’t one-sided at all. But he doesn’t want to hear it like that, to force the words out of Kyuhyun because he feels sorry for him. Is it so selfish of him to wish Kyuhyun could have said the words earnestly, courageously and with all his heart?

But then, what difference would it make really?

Because then, maybe Jongwoon can accept it without explanation and maybe Jongwoon can move forward without dying first like this. But Kyuhyun can’t – won’t say it. He denies him the explanation why, denies him the reasons, denies him everything and Jongwoon doesn’t know how to move forward from that.

Kyuhyun is afraid, he understands that.

Who isn’t?

Jongwoon finally understands what Heechul’s words meant, when Kyuhyun stood before him inside the library, when Kyuhyun ran away from him, when Kyuhyun was shaking as he stood a foot away from him, when Kyuhyun was almost begging him to go, when he kissed Kyuhyun’s temple and he heard everything Kyuhyun is afraid to voice out.

“That is, if what you’re saying is true. That he isn’t in love with you, which I think, is stupid.”

It takes all of Jongwoon to stop himself from getting hit by a car as he walks a different route because he knows Heechul is still waiting for him at the bus station. He knows Sooyoung and Joohyun are probably waiting for a message or something and they can’t sleep because they’re all worried about him and they’re probably right, to be worried but Jongwoon can’t.

He’s going to have to explain it to them, sooner or later, but he can’t talk about it right now when he can still hear Kyuhyun’s pleads carved on his mind.

It hurts not because he can’t be with Kyuhyun.

It hurts because they could have been together but Kyuhyun chooses not to. It hurts because they could have been happy together but it’s Kyuhyun who chooses a life without Jongwoon. It hurts because he knows now that sometimes, there are some kinds of love no matter how strong can never happen.

And there are so many freaking advices about love, online, on books or from people you barely knew. You can fight for it, you can hold on to it forever and trust Jongwoon when he says he can do that for Kyuhyun but he can’t do that when Kyuhyun is already pleading for a life without Jongwoon. He loves Kyuhyun to the point of breaking his own heart just to save Kyuhyun’s.

Jongwoon stops to sit on a bench, not having a damn clue about where he is but walking and walking and walking, thinking that if he walks enough, then maybe he can be so far from Kyuhyun, so far from the university, so far from home, so far from everything, so far from the pain and it would hurt less. He stares at the stars, the stars they once looked at together.

Kyuhyun: Hyung, what are you doing?

Jongwoon: I am watching the stars, Kyu.

Kyuhyun: I am watching the stars, too, hyung!

He laughed at Kyuhyun’s enthusiasm even though they weren’t really together at that moment. He was on the bus station near their house, careful to text with Kyuhyun far from his parents. Kyuhyun was on his room at the university dormitory. He understood Kyuhyun’s enthusiasm and remembering those times, Jongwoon can’t help but think, he’d gladly have those times with Kyuhyun, being together but not really, than this.

“Even if we are far from each other, as long as we’re seeing the same sky, the same stars, that means we’re together, Kyu. That means I’m with you.”

A tear falls again as Jongwoon clutches his chest.

They were never really together, were they?

The pain on his heart is getting stronger and stronger. He might be depressed and he might be miserable but an image of his parents crosses his mind, of Sooyoung’s, of Joohyun’s, of Heechul’s, of Hyesung’s, and despite the pain, despite the growing pain and the pain he knows will stay there for a long time because of a love that isn’t really, he doesn’t have the heart to know he’ll break their hearts, despite his already broken.

He carefully takes out a bottle of white pills inside his bag and swallows maybe two, or three, or four, whatever is necessary to stop the growing pain.

They didn’t completely stop the pain but they made it bearable enough for him to stand up and start looking for the nearest bus stop. His mother hasn’t wholly recovered and he knows his father is already worried. Checking his wristwatch, it is already near midnight and he still has no idea where he is.

Walking with no direction, walking with no destination, he bumps into someone.

“Oppa!”

He looks at the person in front of him and is surprised to see Sooyeon, in pink pajamas, hair tied at the top of her head, no makeup and in bunny slippers. “Sooyeon-ah?”

“Oppa,” Sooyeon starts, looking around if Jongwoon is with someone and looking back at Jongwoon funnily. “What are you doing in our neighborhood? This is pretty far from the university.”

“I,” Jongwoon begins, thanking the streets to be dark enough so Sooyeon won’t have to notice his bloodshot, swollen eyes. “Got lost.”

“Oh,” Sooyeon says and despite it being dark, Jongwoon knows that she already knows.

“Can you help me get to the nearest bus stop? Just the directions,” Jongwoon immediately says. “You don’t have to come with me.”

Sooyeon gazes at Jongwoon and if she’ll get in trouble for going out in the middle of the night to buy ice cream at the 24/7 ice cream store at the other end of the neighborhood from their house, she might as well make the trouble worth it.

“I went out to buy ice cream,” she says, hanging the plastic with ice cream in Jongwoon’s face. “Our house is actually near the bus stop. I’ll walk you there, oppa.”

“You don’t –”

“It’s okay,” Sooyeon says with a kind smile and Jongwoon knows she means more than it’s okay to get in trouble for walking an older friend to the bus stop, more than it’s okay that she’s going to walk him to the nearest bus stop, more than it’s okay the ice cream she so wanted to eat will probably melt before she gets home, more than it’s okay she might not have the appetite to eat anymore because she doesn’t want Jongwoon and Kyuhyun to have it worst than what she and Miyoung had.

“It’s okay, oppa.”

Jongwoon bits his lip to stop squirming, to stop it from trembling, as he follows Sooyeon, because he knows it’s not okay. He said it too many times to Kyuhyun to make it believable but now, even to him, he doesn’t believe it anymore. He knows it’s not.

It’s not okay. It’s not. And it will probably never be.

Sooyeon leads in complete silence and Jongwoon follows several feet behind Sooyeon.

“Did you ever regret it?”

“Regret what, oppa?” Sooyeon answers, not looking behind at Jongwoon.

“Falling in love with Miyoung. Loving Miyoung.”

“No,” Sooyeon says, stopping to turn and look at Jongwoon. “No,” she repeats, reiterating. “I never regretted loving her despite everything that happened to us. Loving her is the choice I will always choose, say something weird happen and I get to repeat everything again.”

“Why?”

“Because I love her, oppa,” Sooyeon replies with a small smile.

“And she loves you back,” Jongwoon whispers softly, painfully. “She stands with you despite everything that happened, stands with you against all odds. She loves you back and she’s not afraid to say it. She loves you back and she will say it over and over again. Like how you will for her.”

Jongwoon gives her a smile, walking passed Sooyeon because he already sees the bus stop, and Sooyeon realizes she has no answer for that. She doesn’t know what happened between Jongwoon and Kyuhyun but she knows it’s something she can’t meddle with anymore.

“DO YOU REGRET IT, OPPA?” Sooyeon shouts, running after Jongwoon. “Do you regret it? Do you regret loving him, Kyuhyun-oppa?”

Jongwoon looks at her and if anybody can see the broken smile he gives Sooyeon, they’ll know how it takes all of Jongwoon’s courage, all of Jongwoon’s heart to say “No, I will never regret loving Kyuhyun, Sooyeon-ah” and what he’s about to say next.

Sooyeon is about to smile.

“But I can’t be the reason for his unhappiness, too.”

“Jongwoon-oppa –”

This time, it’s Jongwoon turn to say to her, “It’s okay.”

She stands there, watching Jongwoon fade into the trees and the people and the bus stop. She stands there, with the melting strawberry-vanilla ice cream plastic on her hands. She stands there, and as the wind whispers something to the earth, she doesn’t realize she’s been crying ever since Jongwoon smiled at her and thanked her for helping him to the bus stop.

She used to cry for petty things, for things she can’t get her way, for things she will get her way if she cries, but now she’s realized what it takes to bring real tears in a person’s eyes, she never wants to cry again – or see someone important to her cry.

“Why does it have to end this way?” Sooyeon sobs quietly, biting her lip so she’ll not wail right there in the middle of the road, remembering Jongwoon’s words before he left.

“I already knew from the very beginning that the most painful choice would be the best.”

A/N:

Hello. I just want to ask if someone here is a Cassiopeia? ^^