~Yuna~

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I watched as JaeJoong was quietly sitting at the same place where he had been sitting for the past hour. Watching his mother when she was getting ready to sleep and now watching her sleep with the clipbook in his lap. He leaned onto the right hand, covering his mouth as he looked at her, quietly and thoughtfully.

 

I was sitting across the room, wondering what kind of thoughts was going through his mind. Memories from the past? The love that he had struggled and forced away from his heart or was he deciding on opening himself up once again?

 

I turned my head to Miss Kim who was sleeping quietly. For a moment she had remembered and then she had forgotten it all. For a moment we thought she would be able to recognize her own son, the son who had successfully climbed his way up on top, who had struggled but managed to do something out of his life. 

 

I looked at JaeJoong and finally there was movement from him. He dragged the chair quietly over and was now closer to his mother. I saw him hesitating, to take and hold her hand or not. To feel the warmth of her hand or not

 

I looked down on my own hand that had held his hand so many times already. His warmth against my own skin, his hand tightly embracing mine, telling the world I belonged to him and how he had protectively dragged me away from danger and people who had wanted to hurt me. 

I swallowed hard as I looked up

 

The possibility of him being diagnosed with the same illness came to mind and I felt my heart beating faster as my chest became warm. My hands tightened and I felt a pain hitting my chest, hammering it as I tried to fight it

 

Was this the kind of life waiting for him if he were to have it? Was this the life that he would be forced to struggle with every single day?

And the memories, the memories that define the life that you have lived, the memories that define you who you are, given you the experience you have learned so far, he would forget them all wouldn't he?

 

And us... Me and him. I would become a stranger, everything that we have been through, our moments of sharing love and concern for one another, that would be forgotten too wouldn't it?

 

Was this the life that we would have to live and struggle with every single day? Seeing the person I cherish the most in the world rot away without having any power to stop it, was this really what was waiting for us?

 

"Yuna?" 

 

I hadn't noticed that he was now in front of me, I hadn't noticed that he had left his position and was now in front of me, kneeling as I was sitting so he would be on the same level as me

 

"What is it? You look so distant" He whispered

 

I shook my head and stood up. I was about to say something but as the nurse entered and interrupted, telling us that it  might be time for us to leave as she was about to change the drip and give Miss Kim her shot of medicine which would help and somehow slow down the illness. It was also said to be strong and that it would probably knock her out for hours and that we should probably come back tomorrow. 

 

JaeJoong thanked the nurse as I was still not able to by myself and as soon as his warmth was wrapped around my hand it eased my heart for a bit but not enough for the pain to stop hammering inside the chest of mine.

 

JaeJoong obviously noticed that I was distant and lost in my own thoughts that nothing was said on the entire way home from the hospital. 

When we finally drove through the gate, away from the paparazzis and the fans, the silence of the house embraced me immediately as I entered.

 

The staff was ready to leave and I felt stupid for not giving them a second look and saying goodbye but there was just no energy or anything for that matter left in my body 

 

I went to the livingroom and sat down as I stared at the open fire place, hearing it sparkling and quietly making sounds. The lights were dim in the entire livingroom, soothing and easing my body but still my heart was not at ease. The hammering pain was still lingering there, once in awhile stabbing and then disappearing

 

When I came to my senses and looked around, I realized that JaeJoong was nowhere to be seen. I was about to go and look for him when he suddenly appeared magically, both of his hands inside his pocket as he was walking towards me quietly

 

"I'm so sorry Jae"

 

He frowned and stopped a few inches away from me as we were standing in front of the open fire place

 

"For what?" He asked 

 

I shook my head as the tear fell silently, his finger wiping it away instantly

Soon I saw his eyes shifting, as if he ahd realized what I meant by apologizing and he took a deep breath

 

"I should be the one comforting you but here you are, doing what I should be doing"

 

He chuckled lightly

 

"I don't mind. Besides, you've been there so much for me already. I cannot be more thankful. We have to take turns" He smiled

 

"I feel selfish"

 

"Which is okay"

 

"No it's not"

 

"Yes it is.. Don't worry. We all become selfish once we're in love"

 

I took a deep breath as I took a hold of his beautiful face with both of my hands, leaning my forehead against him, and he met me with his own. He took a grip around my hand wrists and held onto me tightly, as if he was scared of something

 

"Would you still be with me... if I was diagnosed with alzheimers?"

 

The question that had been lingering here for quite some time. The question that we had avoided. Having it in the back of our minds but just haven't said it out loudly with the seriousness that was required for this question. 

I pulled away and looked at him, wondering why this would happen to us, to him. Why we were chosen to go through this pain and the obstacles that was waiting. 

 

"What do you mean?" I asked

 

He moved the hair out of my face and looked at me with intense and sad eyes

 

"I want you to know that there is another path for you to take. Other options and choices that can be made. If I were to be diagnosed with this illness, I want you to know that you are not forced to stay with me. Guilt cannot speak for you in this situation. You cannot stay because you pity me. You have a choice and I will accept the consequences of the choices that you make. I will not be angry nor will I be upset. Hurt, pain and heartache, those things cannot be avoided but finding someone who is worth your time Yuna, that is what I want for you. Cause afterall, you will be the one who will suffer the most. I will be the one who will be forgetting against my will. Forgetting and hurting you and not being able to stop it. You will have to endure the pain of me not remembering you"

 

I shook my head as I sobbed quietly

 

"You are worth my time Jae. You've given me so much than anyone has ever given me in my entire life. I'm not gonna escape you because of some illness because somewhere deep down inside I will hold onto the love that we share, the memories we've created and the life we could have had"

 

"That's exactly my point. The life we COULD HAVE HAD. I can't give it to you. Can't you see?" He said painfully

 

The courage and the pain he had to endure in order to let me know his most inner feelings, what other thoughts and words could there be, how much would we be able to take?

 

"I'm really sorry that you might have to go through all of this. The waiting for the results. This discussion about the possibilities of how our future can be like. I'm so sorry that you have go through all of this.." He whispered as he kissed my forehead

 

" I am sorry Jae. That we even have to go through this" 

 

He took a deep breath and took me into his arms. The silence took ove rand we just stood there, sometimes a tear falling once in awhile while listening to the sparks of the fire

 

I felt my hands holding onto his shirt as I realized that deep inside of me, no matter how afraid I was of this, he was probably more scared than I was

 

"My answer is yes Jae. I would still stay by your side even if you have it. Cause I love you and I know that being without you is like giving up when it hasn't even started. Cause afterall, there might be a chance that you don't have it right?" I said and looked at him

 

A pale smile appeared and he nodded

 

Suddenly his position changed and he let go of me. The next second I tried to understand what was happening in front of me as he bended down on one knee

 

"I've been wanting to ask but I was reluctant and scared. And I wasn't sure. And I was planning on doing it a lot better but... it feels like it is more right to do it now"

 

I stared at him as he pulled out something from his pocket and I saw a small black box. I could see a smile appearing from his lips, a smile that for so long had been lost but was now finally shown for the right reason. Happiness

He opened the box and inside I saw the most beautiful ring I've ever seen. Shimmering in the dim light from the fire, the diamond glowing beautifully. HIs warm hands soon embraced my left one and he looked up

 

"Even though we don't know.. what future we can create together later on in life, as far as I know... The present.. Now is something we can do and create together. Time is against us at the moment, I'm aware of that. But I can't let the fear and obstacles that is secretly waiting to break us, have the chance to do so when there is still something that I can do, while we have hope and faith. We live in a world where love and pain co exists and there is nothing we can do about that but what we can do is.. to do the best out of the situation and follow our hearts"

 

I covered my mouth with my right hand as I looked at him

 

"Yuna.. Would you fight with me against the battle that is waiting ahead of us as of now? Will you let me call you mine and say 'I do' with white petals falling down on us by the alter? Will you and can you let me be the one standing by the alter, seeing you coming down the aisle in a white dress, knowing that you will bonded to me, to me only?"