~JaeJoong~

---------------------------------------

I was closer than I've ever imagined, the wall. It was separating us, separating me from breathing the same air as my mother. My biological mother. Her blood in my veins.

I swallowed hard and I took the smallest step I've ever taken in my life towards the door. It felt like babysteps. And Yuna. She... she just stayed by my side and was holding my hand. I was rather squeezing it, as if to make sure that she didn't leave me. 

We took another step. Bigger this time and I was right now outside the door. 

"Look inside.." She whispered

I didn't even dare to lift my head up. Did I want to see her from afar first or just directly barge in and see her in front of me, face to face?

I took a deep breath and lifted my head slowly and then my eyes looked inside. 

A stab in my heart was felt as I saw a woman, an old woman swaying back and forth in her chair as she was knitting. It looked like a scarf to me. She kept swaying as she was concentrating on the scarf. And then she stopped. A few seconds passed and she started to knit again. The actions repeated themselves and I was frozen on spot as I looked at her

I have her nose. I could see that. Her hands and there was features in her face that I also had. The resemblance was there. 

A tiny finger was felt across my cheek and the tear that had unknowingly fallen from the eye of mine was wiped away by Yuna.

"You're doing okay?" She asked quietly

I nodded slowly

"I look just like her" I whispered and looked at Yuna

Her smile appeared and she nodded slowly

"You do"

Yuna then knocked on the door three times and those seconds while waiting before stepping inside felt like a lifetime. And then we entered.

I stared at her as she looked up from knitting and a smile appeared as we approached

It felt like Yuna was dragging me, as if my feet was drawn to my mother, moving on their own while Yuna holding my hand. But Yuna didn't even have to pull me. I was walking by myself but it felt like she was dragging me. Is that even possible ?

Yuna bowed and smiled at my mother

"A beautiful girl paying me a visit? What a lovely surprise" She smiled as she took Yuna's hand

Yuna released my own and I felt like I was falling. I felt like I was losing my gravity, my balance and like a kid I searched hurriedly for Yuna's hand. My mother then turned to me and she smiled at me as well. I swallowed hard as I looked at her

"A beautiful girl and  a handsome young man. Beautiful couple indeed" She said and touched my face

The warmth of her hands hit me instantly the moment she touched me and a tear fell.

"But dear, you are shedding tears. Are you hurt?"

She forced me to sit down and Yuna was holding my hand tightly as she was quietly watching me

Mother kept touching my face and then she looked for a tissue. I watched her, felt her compassion and concern for a stranger. I swallowed hard and took a deep breath and returned to me to wipe it off

As she was wiping the tears away she suddenly stopped and looked into my eyes. Her eyes was looking at first and then they expanded and suddenly they were shockingly looking at me. Her left hand was soon on my cheek and she caressed it slowly

"You have eyes that I recognize"

I heard Yuna gasp and she covered as I stared back at my mother

"A jawline  I've seen a long time ago and these lips.. it is very familiar"

My heart started to beat faster. I looked behind my mother to look at Yuna who was crying I think. Was it happy tears? It must be right?

I looked back at my mother who smiled

The eyes looked straight into my own and for a second I thought we connected. And then her eyes changed

"You are a very handsome boy. Now what brings me the pleasure of having you here?"

I felt my heart going through ground once more and I stood up as I let go of Yuna's hand, feeling like I needed a minute. 

"Excuse me" I mumbled and went outside

I was soon stopped and grabbed by my arm as I spun around and Yuna looked at me

"Do not walk away from this Jae"

I let out a sigh

"For a moment Yuna.. I thought she knew me. Remembered me and the hope, the hopes started to appear and everything that I've ever wanted from my mother, All those feelings appeared only to be disappointed. I've been let down and I was stabbed, she turned her back on me and yet I have this hopes and feelings about her. I will not be disappointed again" I said angrily and spun around and started to walk away

"What were you expecting? You know her condition and what sickness she has. What were you exppecting? That she would open you and welcome you with open arms?" She said behind me

I kept walking, feeling the disappointment turning into anger cause I knew she was right

"Is that what you want me to do? Expect you to remember me once the sickness has taken over you? To get my hopes everytime only to be let down and hurt, you remembering me first and in the next second you don't even know who I am? Is that what you want?"

I stopped and spun around as I looked at her. She wasn't crying but her eyes expressed so much more than her body could at the moment

She walked towards me and took both of my hands

"I don't blame you for having hopes Jae. You never had a mother in your life and for that one second of course you would feel the happiness, just knowing that she might remember you when she said those words. Even I was hoping but then she forgot. er sickness took over. But you can't let the sickness stop you from being with her. Her presence and just the bond that you have. Don't you understand? You two are connected. You are family. Only that one reason is enough to be there"

"Is it? Where was she she when I needed her?"

Yuna sighed

"You have to let go of the things that shouldn't be taken into the present. Let it stay there. Create the future now. Do not let it eat you Jae"

"Why should I do the things she never did to me?" I said angrily

"You have a choice Jae. Do not make the decisions that you will regret later on. I'm sure your mother regrets it"

"How do you know?"

Yuna suddenly grabbed my hand and led me back to the room and my mother where in no sight. I then heard the water from the bathroom and I guess a nurse was helping her to take a shower. Yuna then pulled out a box under the bed and then a big book that seemed to be handmade.

"what is that?" I asked, trembling

"Look for yourself" She said

I got closer to the bed and I lifted the box only to see images of me, and me while working to the top to make Mirotic successful. Articles about me and interviews I had done over the years while I've been running Mirotic was cut out and glued into the book . She had made a clipbook out of my success.

My chest became heavy and I felt like my heart was breaking into pieces

"Why?" I whispered, barely audible

"Sometimes people make decisions which they think is right at the time. The consequences of those actions, you just have to accept it" Yuna said

The door from the bathroom was opened and my mother came out while holding onto the nurse

I looked at her as she looked back at me

"I have visitors. Do you see that Nurse? How lovely. I always enjoy the company of other people. It can get really lonely here sometimes"

Dozens of tears started to fall as I looked at my mother

"This is not fair" I whispered, only Yuna hearing it as we watched the nurse walking my mother over to the bed

"I know" Yuna said and squeezed my hand

"It's Not... fair"