~Yuna~

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The soothing music that came out from the speakers, the scents from the wonderful candles and him lying next to me. It was as if this magical moment was only part of my dream world.

He caressed my hair carefully, tenderly as we were lying in his bed in his room, resting after lunch while waiting for the spa. It was time for some massage. I didn't need it but I know that he needed it. He was tense, he was upset and he was aware of the tension that was surrounded around him everyday, and yet there was nothing he could do about that. I guess giving him time to let it pass and get himself through it, letting him accept the fact that something tragical will happen later on but that it doesn't have to be now. 

As we heard the sound of the doors open we got up from the bed as the staff bowed and introduced themselves and prepared the benches that was waiting for us. 

They also opened the window a little since a little fresh air could do some good. We lied down and I felt my muscles relax as soon as she started to massage the shoulders and the muscles. I couldn't help but to look up and to the side as I saw JaeJoong, relaxing every part of his body, preparing himself to drift off into wonderlund.

I swallowed hard and returned to the original position as I felt the hands moving on my back while I was staring down at the floor. I couldn't stop myself from thinking, to care and to find solutions. What these things had in common was that nothing was able to be stopped. Not the thinking, how awkward wouldn't that be to not hear my own voice, speaking and saying all the words inside my head out loudly just to see how it sounded like in my own head?

And the concern, the concern for him, the worry that was always there and the support that I always wanted to give, being prepared to be there if he were to break down. Nothing had happened so far after that night we had been talking and crying

And the sickness of his, also unstoppable. 

I let out a heavy sigh, making it sound like I was enjoying this. I knew JaeJoong wanted us to loosen up but how do you do that when there are so many things going on at the same time?

I know what I would have done if it was things that was possible to solve but this wasn't. I heaved myself up once more and looked to the side as I saw JaeJoong getting massage. I whispered to the girl that I didn't want anymore and she nodded quietly to me. I hushed JaeJoong's as he looked at me questiongly and I grabbed Jae's phone that was on the bed and went inside the bathroom as I started the water and made the phone call I was planning on doing

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~JaeJoong~

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It felt weird suddenly. As if something changed and I just couldn't put my finger on it. Something was right. So right

I gained consciouss and came back from the state of being half asleep and half awake and I felt my body responding to every touch the hands were making. 

"Yuna?" I asked

She stopped as she crouched down and kissed my shoulder

"Feeling better?" She asked

"Why are you massaging me? You should be over there" I said confused

Not that I mind but still..

"I did get my massage. And then I decided to spoil you and shooed the staff out" She smiled

I chuckled as I sat up and leaned forward and gave her a kiss

"You're wonderful you know that?" I asked

She blushed as I felt her giving me butterfly kisses along my cheek and as I took her into my arms, her warm breath was felt briefly on my collarbones and my skin. I sighed lovingly as I kissed her hair

"You feeling better?" She asked again and pulled away

I nodded

"Much better"

She smiled happily at me and I touched her cheek briefly

"How about you go and take a shower and get off that oil of yours?" She asked

"We can always do it together" I teased and leaned forward, seeing her eyes blinking twice as much as she breathed faster

I chuckled once more and wrapped the towel around my waist and left the room chuckling

About half an hour later I was ready and dressed and so was she, drying her hair in my room. I sat down on the bed as I enjoyed the beautiful picture in front of me, her by the make up desk, drying her hair, singing and humming quietly to a song that I've never heard before and the scent that only belonged to her filled the room. I loved it and it felt like the missing puzzle was finally on its right place right where it belongs

I walked over and hugged her from behind as I kissed her shoulder

She spun around as I bended down and smiled at her

"I love this. You being here... Your perfume and your schampoo filling every part of this room" I kissed her forehead

she then stood up and hugged me tightly

"Jae.. I have to tell you something" She said

I pulled away and took a tender hold of her arms as I looked at her. The tone sounded serious

"What's wrong?" I asked confused

She swallowed hard

"I made a phonecall earlier"

"A phonecall? To who?"

She didn't answer at first and my instincts told me it was Donghae right away

"It's not Donghae is it?"

She shook her head slowly and her hand was suddenly on my cheek as she caressed it lovingly

"Your mom"

I stiffened immediately

She sighed

"How do you feel about it? About her?" She asked

I didn't pull away, I didn't get mad, I didn't get upset but nor did I have the urge or feeling like talking about her

"What do you mean?" I whispered

"Jae.. I know that we've talked about this and I know that you wanted time. But somehow it feels like.. this is the right moment to see her" She said

My grip around her tiny wrist hardened as I thought about it. Was it really the right time to do so?

"I don't know" I mumbled

"Jae, she's your mother. I know you don't see her in that way but.. I just don't want you to regret this"

"How can I regret something that I never had in the first place?" I asked and pulled away from her and scratched the back of my head as I wandered around in the room, slowly

She was still

"Cause there is this love that you've been longing for. The motherly love. No one can deny that. Even if you don't want to admit it, it is there" She said

The love from a mother. Yes I have the need somewhere. Wondering how it would feel like to be tucked at night and to hear a night story before falling asleep. Or having your mother make meals for you, worry about you, scold you and love you despite the mistakes you've made in this life. Yes of course the need is there. But I had learned to live without it. What would the difference be anyway if I went to see her? She didn't even know who I was

"What difference would it make ? If I went to the hospital to see her, what would that change? She won't be able to remember me" I said and stopped my pacing and looked at her

She walked towards me and stopped right in front of me as she took my hand

"Something will change. I don't know what it is but something. And it's not because I brought you there or if she remembered you. The presence maybe, the love that has been hidden for so long, or maybe picture and memories we never thought you would remember. It can be anything" Yuna said

I swallowed hard

"I can't do this"

"You're not alone"

I looked at Yuna as she smiled at me. Caressing my cheek with her right hand, holding my right hand with her left one

"I'll be as close as you want me to. Beside you, and support you"

A deep breath was inhaled and I looked around in the room for no reason and then at the clock

"Now?" 

She nodded

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I parked the car and as we got out from the car, I looked around in the parking house, the weak scent of hospital. I stared at myself in the tinted window as I saw what I was wearing. 

Black Chinos, a white tee along with a dressshirt and a navy blue cardigan. Accessories but no sunglasses. Would she recognize me? A little? Just a little? Briefly perhaps?

Yuna appeared by my side with the bouquet of flowers we had brought and I felt myself getting nervous.

She didn't say anything and she didn't force me to move. We just stood there, her staring at me while I was staring at my reflection. 

I was going to see my mother. My biological one who had Alzheimers and wouldn't be able to remember me. There was no hope, no conversation would be made but I would see her for the first time. Up close and from afar. Did she look like me? 

Do I have her eyes? Her nose? Lips? Her hands? Her personality?

I don't know. Did I care? I don't know either

Tiny fingers was suddenly felt and I turned to the side as Yuna smiled at me, warmly

I leaned forward and gave her a kiss on her forehead and I felt like a child, following the adult, in this case Yuna as she gave off a motherly feeling and we got into the elevator. 

The doors closed and I felt an urge to break through it and run back to my car. I don't have claustrophobia. I'm not scared of elevators but now, suddenly I was. The sound of each floor that we were passing and then the feeling when the elevator came to a stop and the doors opened to a information desk on the right side, a nurse behind it and strong scents of hospital, sanitizers, coffee and the sound from a tv from afar. 

Hospital

Yuna walked over to the desk and whispered and talked quietly to the nurse and I felt the nurse's eyes on me. Staring and the feelings of concern, understanding and pitiness attacking me. I looked away

Yuna's hand comforted me instantly as she came back to me, took the place beside me and the eased my heart. We walked slowly, almost tiptoing, in the speed of a snail as we passed the white, plain doors on each side

533 .. 534 .. 535 ..

And then we came to an halt. 

My heartbeats increased as I stiffened even more and I squeezed Yuna's hand hard as I stared at the door from the side. THey must have moved her from another room right? I don't recall reading these numbers in the documents and letters I received. 

But who cares? She was in there, a wall separating us

Yuna took me a little further away from the door, about 3 steps away and my eyes were fixed on the door, staring at the small circled window which would let me see my mother.

"Are you ready?"

"I don't think so" I whispered and looked at her, for the first time ever since we left the house

Yuna wiped off the sweat from my forehead and gave me a soft kiss on my lips as she squeezed my hand and looked at me

"When you're ready Jae"