Do you know that place between life and death? The place where you no longer feel alive, but you are not dead yet. Where you still breathe, but do not think that oxygen is still essential for living. That state where you see what’s in front of you, eat what’s being prepared for you, talk to the people, smile like nothing happens... but inside you’re not there. You are somewhere else. Your mind is not there. And so is your soul.

It was tiring to keep myself normal in front of other people. Faking all these smiles was exhausting. Keeping everyone oblivious to my problem was easy... but it was what killed me the most. Having no one to talk to was horrible. Not being able to share it all with Ye Eun or Minho or Krystal was sickening. I woke up every morning because my body reacted this way, not because I wanted to. I hated the sunshine. I despised enthusiasm, I loathed happiness. I ate because that was other people normally did, not because the hunger mattered to me. My lungs automatically inhaled and exhaled the oxygen, my heart didn’t stop beating and the blood kept running through the vessels. And those were the only things that signaled me myself that I had not died yet.

That sorrowful night... Donghae unwillingly heard all the conversation. That painful night... Donghae ran to me and hugged me, saying sorry for the unexpected event. Neither I nor he knew that it would turn out like this. We both were confused. But unlike Donghae, I also felt empty and broken.

At first I thought I could keep the weight I felt by myself. But when Donghae caressed my hair, caringly whispered, “It is okay. Just cry if you feel like it...”, I couldn’t hold it anymore. Hysterically, I cried in his embrace. It took a couple of knocks on the restroom door to finally bring me back to the reality. We needed to get out here, and I had to stop crying and get up from the floor.

Donghae helped me to get up. “You look miserable.”

We stood in front of the mirror and I could see myself... in a wrecked condition. Donghae took my bag and opened it. I didn’t care, even though technically he was violating my privacy. After a while, he found what he needed. A comb.

Donghae brushed my messy hair carefully and cleaned up my make-up with tissues. He did it all as if I couldn’t do it by myself and had turned into a zombie. Or maybe I already did. Seeing my reflection on the mirror, I looked lifeless...

I didn’t know how I managed to go home that night. The pieces of the scenes scattered everywhere and I could not even remember half of it.

The only remaining thoughts left from that night were... “Why did he treat me that way? What had I done to him?”

--

At one gloomy night, that typical night I had had since he left me dumbfounded in KBS restroom, something really unusual happened.

I was lying on my bed with blanket covering my body and my head, not sleeping, when I heard low murmurs from outside my room.

“Be careful, Aiden.” That was Mum’s voice. Who was she talking to? Aiden? “I am glad that you are here. She has been so different since last week. Just talk to her...” So my acting didn’t work at all?

“Thank you, Ma’am.” Weird accent there. Whoever that person was, or I could say that guy, he just talked in weird Kongrish accent.

I heard the door was being opened and got panicked. I took a peek at the door. Mum bravely opened it without knocking! “She’s not sleeping yet. Come on in, Aiden.”

Then a guy came inside. Mum followed him.

No. NO. His name is not Aiden and why is he here? Why is he here? Why?

Surprised, I automatically stood up. Mum smiled at me, “______, your friend Aiden is here. He said he wanted to see you.”

That guy beamed and waved his hand at me, looking half worried, half excited.

“So, are you guys schoolmates or something?”

SCHOOLMATES. MUM SAID SCHOOLMATES. DID SHE NOT KNOW WHO THIS GUY WAS AND HOW OLD HE REALLY WAS? But I coolly answered, “Sort of.”

Noticing that I didn’t look very satisfied with her presence here, Mum quickly said, “Okay, I’m leaving you guys here. If you need me I’ll be downstairs.”

“Thank you, Madam.” That guy bowed. After Mum left and closed the door, he turned to me. “Oh gosh, I didn’t understand more than half of what your mother was saying, ______-ah!”

He then walked towards me... and I noticed that the way he walked was really weird. “Donghae oppa, why are you here and why are you walking like that? And why did my mother call you Aiden?” Ay yeah, Donghae is here. Surprised? Well, so am I.

Donghae sat on my bed. I sat down too. “Yeah... I got injured during the filming that night... It’s been three days and I haven’t got better. Aiden is my English name!”

Aw I just knew that. “Get well soon.” I forced a smile. “So how did you get here and why?” I tried to put some emotion in my tone. But I thought I failed.

He threw a sympathetic smile at me. “I want to see your condition. You still look miserable,” he sadly said. It made me feel more pathetic than ever.

I touched my forehead, having headache. “I’m okay.”

“You are not,” Donghae stated. “I have tried to talk to Jung Soo hyung but he refused to tell me what’s going on.”

The headache became worse. “I don’t understand, oppa...” I managed to talk. My voice was nearly trembling. This wasn’t good. “I don’t understand how Jung Soo...” I stopped talking. Even saying his name hurt. If I continued it, I would end up crying.

“You don’t understand how Jung Soo hyung could do such thing to you, do you?” Donghae finished it for me.

I nodded weakly, but said nothing. I just played with the tip of the blanket. Then I heard something that really annoyed me. Donghae just sighed... deeply. I twisted my head to the side so I could see him. “Why, oppa?”

“Jung Soo hyung is a lot like you now. He can perfectly hide his feeling in front of other people but when he’s only with me in the room... just like you, he’s lifeless. Emotionless,” Donghae said, looking straightly at me in the eyes. “You don’t contact each other, do you?”

I gulped down my saliva. “I tried to, but got rejected.” Answering anything right now hurt. “I haven’t contacted him again since then...” Then something hit me. “Donghae oppa!” I suddenly screamed. “He once said that we’d end the relationship when I felt hurt! But he’s the one who’s hurting me now!” I half shouted, nagging but also fighting to keep my tears from flowing. The thought hit me in the right place. Jung Soo is impossible. “Donghae oppa, why is he like this?!”

Donghae sympathetically looked at me. I swore to you I could see his eyes slowly becoming watery. “Jung Soo hyung must have reasons for doing it. He won’t intentionally hurt you. He is hurt too..., we just don’t know why, ______-ah.”

“But he... he...,” I started sobbing. “He doesn’t even want to explain it to me... Donghae oppa, it hurts.”

Donghae struggled to get up and hug me. “Ssh, ssh, uljima, uljima...” He rubbed my back. “You’re a strong girl...” His voice soothed me and when I calmed down, he released me from his hug and said, “You. Stop being so weak. I know you’re much stronger than this. About Jung Soo hyung... Let’s just say that he’s too childish. You must be more mature in order to keep this relationship. We’re gonna wait for some more day, and then you’ll go talk about it with him, okay? In a good manner and with a calm mind. Okay, ______-ah?”

I nodded like a child. Donghae wiped my tears using the tip of his thumb. “Jung Soo hyung loves you. He’s just so full of himself and he becomes rude as hell when someone breaks his heart. It’s not like you hurt him, but you get what I mean, right? He has troubles of expressing himself.”

“And he also doesn’t listen for explanation, Donghae oppa...”

Donghae wisely smiled. “So you know him. ______-ah, because you already know how Jung Soo hyung is, for the mean time, please, get along with it, okay? Try to understand him. Yes, he’s weird like that. But don’t get disappointed and don’t stop loving him... He is happy when he is with you. Stay together forever, hyung will slowly change his attitude.”

“Sometimes it tires me, oppa.” I continued, “He can’t always be like this.”

“He won’t, he won’t! He will change, I’m sure of that. Just don’t give up on him, ______-ah!” Donghae begged.

“I will never...,” I muttered below my breath.

Donghae heard that and he put a smile on his face. “Thank you, ______-ah. I know it’s hard. But thank you for staying beside hyung. He needs you so much, he will need you more in the future.”

“What will happen in the future?”

“A lot, dear,” Donghae painfully smiled.

Jung Soo... The conversation I had with Donghae made me realize that no matter how hard the situation was, I would never leave Jung Soo. Nah, I wasn’t doing this only for him... I was doing it for myself. It hurt as hell to be with him now. But without him, I knew I wouldn’t even be able to stay alive. It sounded too much... But being with him could be painful, yet being without him would be a thousand times more painful.

Talk... I need to talk to him...

lee donghae why are you so nice in my story...

aaaah anywaaaaay everyone!!!! SMTOWN NYC!!!! IF YOU GO THERE, PLEASE PLEASE TAKE A LOTS OF PICTURES OF MY BABIES!!!! KKK

@shiningstarr: yesssss, fufufu ;) /evil plan in mind

@peacelovehugs: BECAUSE I SHIP EUNHAE SO MUCH

@kpoprox9764: no other than~~~lee donghae~~~ ;)

@Trishdicator: it's donghae XDDD

@superhyukkie: jung soo he can only bring pain huhu ;(

@locrazy: yup you got it right :) and jung soo, listen to thiz baby, stop being such a jerk X(

@LilacFairy-Chu: no, he's not that mean XD

@Aigooo: i'm writing for you :)

@Roses87: agreed, she's in the process :3 and thank you so much for the comments :)