Chapter 36. 

The final year examination is crawling near. A lot of people had begin their routine for study groups, extra self studies and staying back after school with some teachers who are willing. Most of the students are serious because they don’t want to fail. 

For me, it is a good excuse for me to stay away from my friends a little. It still feels weird to think once the school is over, my school life here will be completely over. I have grown attached to this school and it’s people. I know every crook of this school and even its short cut. I began to appreciate every little things in this school more than I did before like how the stairs to the third floor has different tiles and how our hallway has a mural of sunflowers on the walls. 

I never have noticed these things before and it makes me angry at myself for wasting all those years not appreciating this kind of stuff more. I now know that I would miss it. The usual stairs I take, the bathroom cubicle I always get into because I feel comfortable, the table section in the library that I always sit at and the table my friends and I always sit to eat together every lunch. 

Also, it was weird to have my friends treating me extra nice. I  appreciate it but it’s making me feel worse. I  didn’t want that. That’s the reason why I  don’t want them to know beforehand but the truth has came out, earlier than I  expected. I just wish they’ll be more normal like how we usually do. If they keep treating me like this, I feel like I will feel more hurt when I have to leave soon. 

Ugh , just thinking about it makes me feel awful.

I particularly has been avoiding Soohyun. We still met up at times as a group but I always try hard to avoid his eyes. I don’t want to get caught and the feeling of leaving with my feelings unsettled makes me feel restless. Sometimes, I even avoided meeting up with my friends if Soohyun is there too. I feel like if I spend more time with him and fall harder for him, it will be super hard for me to move —taking my feelings with me. 

Soohyun is confused with my behaviour though, I can somehow feel it. 

I feel guilty that in this group,  he’s the only one who is clueless about this. We left him out, because I said so. I feel awful but I can’t bring myself to tell him, yet. 

“ Going to the library? “ Jonghyun suddenly popped up beside me with his usual grin. 

“ Aren’t you going to the cafeteria?” I asked. 

Jonghyun flicked my forehead. I scowled and hold my forehead. It actually stings. I glared at him. “ It hurts, Jjong!”  I groaned as I rub it to ease the pain. 

He looked apologetic but only for a few seconds. 

“ Do you think you can run away from me? “ he said. He looks upset. “ You’ve been avoiding us a lot didn’t you?” 

I look away, guilty. 

“ You think if you study alone at the library every lunch, you can beat me and IU? You want to score crazily before you left is it? “ 

I raised my eyebrows. What nonsense is he talking about ? 

“ If that’s what you’re thinking then you’re wrong! Because we’re not giving you special treatment just because you’re our beloved friend who is going away- “ he had a serious rough forehead look but when he glances at me while saying that, he bursts out laughing. 

“ You look so weirded out!” He said, slapping his own thigh while laughing. He’s too extreme. 

I roll my eyes at his stupid joke. 

In the end, I broke into laughter with him too. 

-

“ Suzy, wake up” I heard Jonghyun’s voice in between my consciousness, and felt that something was poking my cheek. I open my eyes slowly to see he was holding a pen to my face. He grins. “ You sleep for hours, idiot” he said. 

I yawn and look at the clock. Crap, it’s late. 

“ Why didn’t you wake me up? “ I ask, annoyed that I wasted time sleeping. 

“ You look tired and peaceful. I couldn’t wake you up” he said. 

I was surprised at the tone of his voice. It’s the first time Jonghyun had spoken to me in that soft manner. 

Jonghyun looks away. I probably stared too long at him. 

“ It’s late” he said, stating the obvious. 

I look outside the window. “ It’s dark and scary though. Do you think you can go home alone? “ I ask. There’s been a lot of cases these days. Although our neighbourhood is still safe but it’ s better to stay in at night.

We  were in my living room with books spreading on the floor. Since Soojung came to sleepover with Sulli , Jonghyun thought of coming along to stay up with me. He thought that it wouldn't be nice to study inside my room at night so we decided to study at the living room . Thus, my parents are not home so it won't bother so much if we conquer the place. 

" I'm not sleepy yet" Jonghyun mumbled , taking an eye at me for my response. I  just nodded without facing him. He sighed " Can I sleep here?" he asked with cheeks tainted pink. 

" Why not?" I  replied , with eyes darting from my notebook to her textbook. 

Jonghyun went up to my bedroom to get blankets and pillows for us . We  decided to doze off together at the living room with the books . I  don't want to leave my best friend alone in the living room when they finish studying. 

Jonghyun

I got up to her room to get stuff for us to sleep. It’s not my first time sleeping over at her house. I usually do it whenever Soojung comes along, just so it won’t be too awkward to make up an excuse. Suzy ,however, never really seems to care about it. I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. 

As soon as I  open her closet , Suzy's phone buzzed with the incoming text message. I  walk to her night table and slide  it open. This idiot doesn’t put password on her phone. I already reminded her in the past. 

Suzy, did I do something wrong? . Could we just treat each other like always? I miss us like we used to. 

It was a message from Soohyun. I felt bad that I read it that now it’s mark as ‘read’. I also always avoid anything that involves them both. Suzy and Soohyun. It’s so obvious there’s this vibe surrounding them. It feels insulting and painful that it always seem like I was the one always breaking them apart and coming in between them. It’s a lie if I act like I don’t notice it. I tend to overlook it for the sake of my own feelings. It’ s how people avoid pain, isn’t it? 

I frowned at myself for even thinking what I’m thinking. 

I swiped the message box and click the red button ‘delete’. I know the heavens will punish me. 

I went back down to the living room with all the blankets and pillows, like nothing ever happened.

Soohyun

It took me forever to type it , much less actually sending it. God knows how many times I backspace, blush and facepalm while typing, even though there’s literally no one but me in my room. 

I noticed Suzy has been particularly avoiding me. She also keep avoiding my eyes a lot whenever we actually talk. I am afraid if I did something again that had made her misunderstand. I just thought I should just apologize in hopes that she will tell him there’s nothing wrong and they’ll be fine again. 

The message turned to ‘read’ and I jumped. I felt nervous and excited —symptoms I always felt whenever we text. 

I waited and waited for her reply. 

I waited all night long for her reply but it was left at that. At ‘read’. 

I guess she is angry at me. I hope I know why. 

Little did I know, she didn’t even got the chance to look at that message. 

-

Suzy

Final exam is in a week and I feel anxious. I am most worried about history and maths. I excelled in maths in the past test because I didn’t want to get picked on by Mr.Yang again but somehow the new chapters after that were hard and it feels like I’m back to square one. 

Ugh, I groaned. I hate studying. It’s so stressful. 

In Mr. Yang’s class, I kept dozing off after about 15 minutes of trying hard to concentrate until all the numbers became too hard for me to understand. I did realized Mr. Yang was giving me that ‘disappointed but not surprise’ look he always give me. He was shaking his head at me and I tried opening my eyes wide to focus. 

After class ended, I closed my book and was about to rest my head on the table to nap when Mr. Yang called me. 

Dang it. I cursed. Why is he calling me now?? I mentally cry. 

“ Suzy , come with me” he said, his voice was low. 

I got up with slouched shoulders. I’m pretty sure I wasn’t the only one who dozed off , right? Or was I really the only one? 

My life . I thought and the daily reminder of me leaving soon makes me feel ten times worse. 

Eunjung turns to look at me with concern. “ Are you okay? Why is he calling you? “ she asks. 

I look at her bored. Its the same question she always ask because its that often for Mr.Yang to call me to go with him. 

“ I don’t think you should go” she said, looking troubled. 

“ Huh? Why ? He’ll bother me to death if I don’t go” I replied, annoyed Mr. Yang for always bothering her nap time. 

“ You know there’s rumours going around you and —“ Eunjung trailed until I heard Mr. Yang called out my name loudly from outside of the classroom. 

“ Sorry, we’ll talk later when we get back” I said and quickly walk out of the classroom. 

I did notice though, the girls in my class were looking at me as I was called out , even up to me walking out of class. I don’t know why though. Did I drool? 

I glance at the class window to see Taecyeon looking at me with a troubled expression. 

What…. 

-

22 march 2018

hey guys. it took me long enough to update. i had a hard time coming back to this story after what happened to jjong. i just couldnt do it. but i thought, having readers or not left...i'm going to write this and finish this. i miss him a lot. 

on that night, i was actually going on my laptop to update you know. until i opened netizenbuzz to see that tragic news. i was shocked. beyond shocked and i just broke down crying. i was depressed for a month, not only because of him, but because it has all been too much for me at that time, and that news just adds up to my sadness. 

jjong. i love you and miss you. the fact that i choose him as one of my characters for my first ever fanfic shows that i loved him since i was young, years and years back. to have my idol, go away before my eyes pains me. and i had dealt with a lot of sad stuff this 2018. this is the first update for 2018. i am sorry . its been an awful starting year for me. thank u for reading

-