Suzy

I couldn’t sleep at all. Despite that, I feel so energized today. It’s weird how much Soohyun can make me feel just after that phone call. He was just only asking me to accompany him out to buy something but I was so happy about it. It means I get to spend time with him. Just us two. I guess I am special after all.

I got dressed in jeans and black and white striped t-shirt with my sneakers and went down. Surprisingly, my mom is in the kitchen. “ Mom?” I called out. My mom turned from making breakfast “ Ah, Suzy. Sit for breakfast “ she said, putting on some toast on the table.

  I scratch the back of my head, feeling guilty. “ I’m actually going out today”.

She looks up . “ Really? With who?”

“Soohyun “

Her eyes lit up. “Ah, Soohyun! Okay then. Have fun “ she smiled. I thanked her and left the house to catch a bus.

I didn’t know if I’m too excited and arrived early or Soohyun is late. It’s been 15 minutes and I’m waiting alone in the middle of Myeongdong street like I’ve been stood up.

I looked at my watch and sighed. Let’s wait a little bit more.

Suddenly, my phone rings and I quickly picks up in case he’s here already.

“Hello?!” I answered too anxiously but I guess he didn’t get that because what he said after that upset me.

 “ Suzy? I’m really really sorry. I have to cancel our plan today “ Soohyun said. His voice sounded guilty over the phone but not guilty enough. The way he talks as if he doesn’t care what I feel. He just stood me up! After 15 minutes of waiting!

 I was quiet. I didn’t know what to say. We were cold yesterday –at least I was to him. And we barely “made up” yesterday and now I feel like screaming to him for making me feel like this. My insides is like volcano waiting to erupt.

“ Oh no. Are you already there? “ he seems to pick up , late enough, my silence. I bit my lip trying to suppress my anger and disappointment. I don’t want to show my feelings to him. I don’t want to show that he can make me feel like this.

“ No. I’m still at home. You’re lucky I haven’t get ready “ I lied but my voice is cold. He sighed in relief. He worried more about me being here than my cold voice.

He laughed thinking I was joking which I’m not. He’s lucky I’m letting this thing go. If only he didn’t tell me what he told me after.

“ I’m really sorry. Jiyeon was here and my mom invited her in for breakfast and talk so I can’t go out. I’ll make it up to you “ he said.

Honestly, I would just feel upset and disappointed if he didn’t tell that because now I’m more than upset. I feel like my whole body is on fire. I was really stood up by him for someone else. I feel humiliated. I shouldn’t have gone too excited. I shouldn’t have stayed all night thinking of possible scenarios of today. I should have just slept soundly. I should’ve just spent my weekend like normal.

I took a deep breath, careful so he won’t notice.

“ It’s okay “ I said with much strength. I don’t want to sound shaky so my what I’m feeling won’t give out to him.  “ I have things to do anyway “ I lied again.

“ Soohyun, your mom called to come down” I heard a sweet soft voice over the line and my heart breaks even more. “ I need to go now. Bye “ he said and hung up first.

I laughed cynically. My lips trembled as I look down –my hair falls , covering my face.

“ Why did he hung up first “ I muttered under my breath while scoffing. “ He just made it worse” I said.

Why was Jiyeon even at his house in the morning anyway? My heart aches from the thought of it. What she got to do with him? Don’t tell me they’re discussing class rep things at his house? On the weekend?

To think I got stood up by Jiyeon made me feel even worse. She’s my friend. I let out a heavy sigh. I was happy for nothing last night. This made me feel humiliated even more. I couldn’t sleep last night but I bet he slept soundly when I should’ve done the same.

I laughed again. “ I’m crazy”  I mumbled. I feel a tear tickling the corner of eye.

I have fallen for him. Kim Soohyun, I like him.

After all those times, I was confused of my own feelings. I didn’t want to fall for my friend again. I lost Taecyeon because of that. My heart ached and I was bothered when Soohyun ignored me for weeks because of his encounter with Ji Soo and I.

My phone rings again. I lazily pick up , heartbroken by last call. “ Hello “ I said.

“ Yah! Bae Suzy! Where you at? Why aren’t you at home? “ as usual, Jonghyun’s voice rings through my phone, almost turning me deaf with his loud voice.

 “What is it, Jonghyun? “ I snapped, not in the mood for his attitude.

“WHERE ARE YOU AT?”

I felt annoyed and don’t wanna go on any longer so I just told him where I’m at. I hung up and still sat on the waiting bench doing nothing but staring at my feet.

“ He stood me up for her “ I said out loud. Ugh, I just wish I get to erase all of this thoughts out of my head. I shouldn’t let this petty thing bring my mood down.

Unfortunately, it did.

I sighed.  “ No one resists Park Jiyeon. Even Soohyun “ I muttered and chuckled. I frowned “ Jiyeon. Park Jiyeon “ I chant her name.

“ Don’t you think she’s stealing everything from you? “ my subconscious spoke. I quickly shake my head. “ No. She’s my friend “ I mumbled, softening my gaze as I think of her.

“ What are you mumbling alone? People might think you’re crazy “

I look up and was met with a cup of ice cream. I stared, confused. Jonghyun put it onto my hand. “Eat it before it melts “ he said and took a seat next to me.

I cleared my throat and make room for us to sit. I look at the ice cream and roll my eyes. “ Seriously Jonghyun? It’s cold! “ I said, fiddling with the small spoon. He realized I was zoning out and staring into oblivion. He tilted his head to get a better look of my face. I bet I look so sad, crestfallen, heartbroken to him. I can’t seem to hide it, I supposed.

“ Hey, what’s wrong? “ he asked. He nudged my arm for my response.

I replied with a bitter smile.

“ Jonghyun. Have you ever been in love ? “ I asked.

It probably caught him off guard because he choked on his ice cream. “ What’s with you?!” he asked.

I look to him and laughed bitterly. “ Nevermind that” I said. I feel my eyes growing warm and I could feel tears are starting to form. “ Ugh “ I quickly look down. I don’t want to cry here. Especially not in front of Jonghyun. I hate crying in front of people the most. Even when I’m alone , I avoid crying. I always feel weak everytime I cry because once I started crying , I can’t stop –and I hate it.

Jonghyun

I was honestly startled by her sudden question. It pierced through my heart and I choked on my ice cream. “ What’s with you?!” I asked her. She’s being weird. It’s so unlike her to ask these things. Suzy has never shown her vulnerable sides to me so I was taken aback by it. I stared at her gloomy face, trying to find what’s wrong.

Her shoulders starts to shake. I could see it. She looks down, her hair covering her face. Is she crying?

I tried to make the atmosphere better. I laughed “ Obviously, I’ve been in love! What kind of question is that? “ I said, cheery.

“ Because I think I do “ she suddenly said. Her voice croaked as if she’s holding back her tears that are desperate to come out. “ Huh? “ I replied.

“ I think I’m in love”  she said.

My heart broke, crashed –everything disastrous.

Just from those simple words that doesn’t give out anything. I just know it’s not me. It’s not me she’s in love with. I was stunned, I couldn’t say anything back to her. All I did was continuing looking at this broken girl in front of me –wishing she is mine.

“ I’m so stupid “ she chuckled bitterly, still looking down. She doesn’t let me see her face at all. I put my hand on her shoulder and pat it slowly, calming her down. She looks up slowly to me. I smile to her. The sides of her face are stained with tears.

“ You’re not stupid “ I said.

“ You’re just … slow “ I continued, nodding at myself and continue patting her back.

She immediately frowns and push my hand away. “ You’re unbelievable.” She groaned.

“ This is why you don’t have a girlfriend! How could you say that to a girl who is crying? “ she nags at me.

“ Why ? You’re not dying “

“ You’re really- “

“ And who says I don’t have a girlfriend ? “ I said. That made her shut up.

“ You do? “ she asked, confused. I waited.

After a few seconds, I grinned. “ I don’t “ I said and she slaps my arm. “ Idiot “ she said but she chuckled, which made me glad. Suzy is prettier when she’s cheerful.

I stand up and hold out my hand to her. “ Let’s get something to eat. I’m hungry “ I said, pouting. She rolls her eyes. She hates it when I act cute. She willingly grabs my hand and I pull her up. “ I’m hungry too. I haven’t eaten “ she said and looked around for where to eat.

“ Let’s go. I’ll pay. You need food to mend your broken heart “ I said to her and pat her head. She blushes and looks away. “Whatever” she muttered and I grinned. She’s shy about it.

When we got in a restaurant and got our seats, she zones out again while looking at the menu. I sighed and kick softly at her feet. She looks up. “ It’s time to order “ I said. She nods and quickly makes her order.

“ So . . . “ I begin and she slowly looks at me.

“ You know you look really weird when you’re sad right? I guess even you look ugly when you cry “ I said. She scoffs and glares at me. “ That’s what you’ve been DYING to tell me?!”  she raised her voice. I nod, puckering up my lips to provoke her even more. She tch-ed and look out of the window.

“ It’s not like I’m attractive at all “ I heard she muttered under her breath.

“ Ugh, stop being all sad. That’s not like you at all “ I said, trying to make her forget about her sadness. She looks at me for a while. “ Fine. Sorry “ she said which made me relieve.

I smile to her and she smile back. I was loss at words. There’s so many things I want to tell her, to confess, to let out my feelings. My real one.  

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