Suzy

It’s the weekend. The sound of the doorbell rings echoes through the house. No one seems to attend the unknown guest and I am too lazy to get up now. I didn’t have a good sleep last night. I felt miserable. If I could turn back time, I would probably choose Soohyun –if I didn’t look at Jiyeon at that time.

I’m not annoyed at her, she’s still my friend. I know Jiyeon is often clueless about my feelings about anything that’s why I don’t take it to heart if she does something that hurts me. For this matter, I’m not annoyed at her. It is more like I am annoyed at myself.

It was the first time I ever see Jiyeon looks so hopeful. She always get what she wants. Although she was never cocky with me, I know she has immense confidence in everything that she does. That was the first time I see her fragile.

The doorbell rings again and I groaned as I get up involuntarily. If only my parents are home now, I can just keep snuggling under my sheets. I ran down the stairs quickly to see who came and was surprised to see Jiyeon. She’s dressed in a floral dress and grinned at me so wide.

“ Hello!” she greeted excitedly.

Still having my bed hair, I wiped my face in case I have any dry drool sticking to my face. “ Um, hi. Sorry, I just woke up” I said awkwardly as I look elsewhere, not directly at Jiyeon. We walked together to my bedroom and I disappeared to clean myself.

After cleaning myself, I sat down on my bed with Jiyeon.

“So, what’s the occasion?” I ask.

“ I just want to apologize” Jiyeon said which got me taken aback. Jiyeon is one who likes to brush things off, be it a good thing or a bad one.

I raised my eyebrows indicating for her to explain further.

“ About your friend, you know” Jiyeon said, hinting at me. I was getting uncomfortable. Is she going to talk about Soohyun?

Jiyeon sighed. “ Jonghyun “ she blurted. I made an ‘O’ face and nodded awkwardly as I don’t remember the last time Jiyeon had apologized.

“ I’ll try to accept the fact that you’re good friends with him now” she said without looking at me.

I chuckle. “ What about him that you hate so much?” I ask.

Jiyeon sighs. “ I don’t know. His teasings aren’t like other boys. His are too mean for my liking, too annoying. Remember how he sent me a love letter but he never acted like he actually even likes me. It’s almost as if he purposely wanted to insult me. He would constantly glares at me, and he’s close to you. Maybe that just doubled my hatred. “

I just stayed quiet as I take it all in. It’s been forever since we talk heart to heart like this. I listen to Jiyeon’s confessions.

“ Ah, I also feel shy to sing with Soohyun soon” she mentioned, suddenly covering her face with her hands as her face flushed pink. “ What’s wrong with me? “ she laughed and shook her head.

I feel a pang at my heart. Jiyeon had made it obvious then, but now I am so sure she’s in love with Soohyun and she’s serious about it. They grew closer in the moment I wasn’t there. They got closer when I wasn’t looking. Reminds me of how Soohyun kindly stood up for her yesterday, how can Jiyeon not melted at that? It’s true Jiyeon dates around and that she wasn’t 100% serious most of the time. That was because it was always for looks and popularity. I do think she had a crush on Soohyun because he is handsome but I feel like it grew much more as Soohyun was kind to her. He protected her, helped her like how he did to me.

I suddenly feel so disappointed. Who am I , to think that I was that special to him? He didn’t treat kindly only to me but to everyone else too. Especially his friends.

I won’t stand a chance with Jiyeon. What’s not to like about her? She’s pretty, cute and friendly whereas I’m such a bore to have around.

“ It’s okay, you’ll be fine” I assure with a force smile.

Jiyeon looks at me with vulnerable eyes. I wish all this to stop.

“ He’s different, Suzy. He doesn’t always pay attention to me. I’m the one who always have to attract him or he’ll just ignore me” she confessed.

“ He never search for me. In class, he never make any effort to talk to me. But he would respond to whatever I talk about or just listen and it made me feel happy. Usually no guys could put up with my rants, but he was kind and patient” she continued.

She looks down. “ It’s so hard, Suzy. I’m scared that he wouldn’t feel the same way. I never felt insecure in my life before. What should I do? I really like him”

I felt my heart crashes to the ground. I stared at her . What am I supposed to say in this situation? I have a crush on him too.

I tried my best to give a supportive smile. “Then go get him. Confess to him before it’s too late”. I feel my throat goes dry having to say things that I don’t mean. 

Do I even have any right to say that? I’m the one who’s cowardly hiding.

IU was scolding Jonghyun because he kept playing around with the props on the stage and won’t practice. I watch them. I don’t have the mood to smile but I forced myself. I don’t want to laugh at anything but I tried it to make me feel better.

“ Suzy! Your best friend nags a lot for how small she is!” Jonghyun called out to me loudly from the stage. IU smacked him in return. “ Because you keep playing around!” IU shouted back at him. I laughed at them. They made my day.

"Oww!" Jonghyun groaned. I chuckled again.

At the other corner of the hall, I see Jiyeon and Soohyun sitting together. Jiyeon seems to go through the music sheets in her hands while Soohyun was staring into oblivion.

How nice. I want to be in her place.

“ Staring at someone?” a voice spoke from behind me made me jump. I quickly turned to see the person who intruded my thoughts.

Wooyoung looked down at me with a smirk.

I took a few steps back and frowned at him, annoyed. “Stop surprising me like that!” I snapped. He chuckled. Is he seriously thinking this is a joke. I’m in no mood to entertain anyone. He approached me and I keep taking few steps back. He held out his hand and ruffle my hair. “ You’re so cute “ he commented. I ignored his comment and slapped his hand away. “ You’re really-  “ I started as I see how messy my hair had turned out.

Wooyoung grinned. “ Oops?”

I groaned and left stomping my feet. I heard him laughing and followed me from behind. “ Hey, sorry. Let me fix it. “ he said and touched my head gently while brushing my hair evenly. I know maybe he does feel bad about it but I don’t appreciate it.

I lightly push his hands away indicating that I don’t need it.

Then, he tuck my hair behind my ear which caught me off guard. I looked up at him. I shot him a suspicious look and he just grinned back at me.

I scoffed. This flirt.

“ Are you trying to seduce me? “ I pointed.

He didn’t look surprised. Instead , he just shrugged. “ It usually works on girls” he said.

“ Well, it won’t work on me” I said and turned around to leave again but he quickly block me with his body. “ Don’t be too cold to your partner? You chose me remember? “ he said. It felt like a slap to my face.

Ugh ,this guy is really irritating me.

“ What do you want, Wooyoung? I’m not in the mood for anything” I said, sighing.

“ Oh, you know my name? “

I shot him a dangerous look. “ Don’t try to rub me the wrong way. Of course I know you” I said with a warning tone.

“ Okay, okay” he grinned and pulled me to sit somewhere with him. I followed lazily. Wooyoung is Taecyeon’s best friend so of course I know him. I still can’t think about Taecyeon without feeling bad. I still am awkward around him and having us as classmates is making it worse since I can’t run from him. I see him everyday in class.

“ So tell me what you like about that Soohyun guy?”

I almost choke on my own saliva and I turned to Wooyoung with eyes as big as saucers. “ What? “ my voice came out really low.

“ It’s so easy to read you. “

I blinked at him.

“ You. Like. Him “ he said, his face nearing me that our noses are only a centimeter apart. I was so stunned that I couldn’t move.

I looked down. I suddenly feel numb all over. Is it the feeling of getting found out or the feeling of accepting the fact that I’m head over heels for Soohyun till it’s so clear written on my face?

I stayed mummed. Not admitted nor denying.

Wooyoung tapped my shoulder. “ Hey, don’t look so down like that. Gosh ,you’re making me feel guilty” he said. I continued looking down, rethinking my life choices.

“ I thought you would fight back. Didn’t know you’d be this soft, Suzy. I knew from the moment you chose me as your partner. The looks on both of your faces don’t lie. You like him”

I wanted him to stop.

I ignored all his comments and got up to leave; this time, no one’s stopping me.

The hall is filled with people at 7 p.m. For the closure of the school festival, we hold several performances from different grades.

“ You “ Wooyoung called out to me, leaning his arm against the wall beside me. “ Don’t forget the lyrics “ he reminded. He looked nervous, which is so unlike him. I scoffed and gave him a look.  “ Tell that to yourself. You look like you forgot the lyrics already. “ I said. Wooyoung glared at me. “ I did not! “ he protested but it didn’t seem convincing.

“ Thank goodness we got blue outfits” he commented. Our eyes trailed to the white duo. IU and Jonghyun got white outfits since they’re the lead singers. We look at each other and burst out laughing.

IU looks like a princess in her white dress meawhile Jonghyun looks weird. He suits black. I think this is the first time I see him in white ever.

“She’s cute, though” Wooyoung jerk his chin towards IU. I grinned.  “ Try and hit on her “ I suggested. He turned to me “ Is that a bet? “ he asked.

I looked at him boringly. “ You think I’ll bet on my own friend ?” I glared at him warningly. He grinned and retreated.

We had gotten closer in the past week since we see each other pretty much most of the time every day to prepare for the festival. He’s nice and funny in his own way, but part of me still can’t get fully better. Is it a symptom of lovesick? My heart always aches.

I got so much closer to Wooyoung because we’re partners. How close had Jiyeon and Soohyun became then?

Again, my heart squeezed painfully.

Whenever I see Jiyeon and Soohyun practices together in the same hall as us, a spark of jealousy just grows within me. I always avoid everyone during then, because I hate myself when I’m jealous. It’s as if an evil spirit had possessed me. And I don’t want to be found out by anyone.

What makes it worse is, Soohyun seems so cold to me. Whenever I tried to talk to him, he kept it short and whenever I need to pass him some things, he just took without looking or saying anything to me. It just made me feel ten times worse than I already was feeling. So, I made little effort to talk to him after that. I have my own pride and ego too. It hurts my ego badly to be treated that way.

“ Okay, IU and Jonghyun. Take your positions” Jinyoung called and both of them were getting ready to get on stage. The music starts and they stepped into the spotlight and started singing their parts just the way we had practiced.

Nearing our turns, Soohyun , Jiyeon, Wooyoung and I stood side by side like how we were already positioned. I went with Wooyoung to IU’s left while they went to Jonghyun’s right.

I saw under the light, Jiyeon said something to Soohyun and he smiled.

My heart felt so suffocating that I feel like crying.

If I could have one wish right now, it is to have the ability to feel numb.

I hate having this suffocating feeling every single day. My whole body feels heavy and it brings my mood down.

We sang our hearts out during the performance. Wooyoung didn’t forget his lyrics and I didn’t lost my focus.

But I did lost my heart.

Right after we changed, we had a little ceremony backstage to celebrate the completion of our hard work. After this, our schedule will go back to normal and who knows if Wooyoung and I will ever talk again.

I changed early. The others were still in their costumes. They were eating and chatting along with Jinyoung, who treated us all. I dismissed myself and left. They did looked weird that I decided to leave first but Jinyoung let me off.

I sighed deeply and walked out of the school building. Other people who handles the booth are busy cleaning up. I walked slowly towards the school gate, taking the night air. The night feels so quiet. It’s suitable for my heart.

A motorcycle suddenly stopped in front of me. I stopped in my tracks and the person took off his helmet and grinned at me widely. I looked at him with widened eyes. “ Jonghyun?” I snorted. I looked down at his bike. I never seen it before. He shot me a smug look and rubbed his hand on his seat. “ I bought this yesterday “ he said. I laughed. “ So? You came here to show it to me? “

He suddenly held out his hand, taking me off guard. He put his hand on my forehead. “ You said you’re not feeling well?” he asked. He looked serious and concerned. I smiled gratefully. “ I just feel tired “ I said, honestly. I was tired from all the constant practices for a week.

“ Hop on. I’ll bring you home. “ he said, handing over the extra helmet to me. I smiled again and put on the helmet. I hold onto his shoulders and got onto the bike. He zoomed off right after I settled behind him.

Soohyun

Right after Suzy left, Jonghyun got up in a hurry to leave too. My appetite disappears so I dismissed myself after him. Even in the locker room, Jonghyun changed and picked up his things in a hurry.

Now that I see the scene in front of me, I understand why. He wanted to take Suzy home. I wish to be as shameless as him. Do I care so much about my own pride and ego that I started being cold to Suzy? I still can’t get over that day.

I know she didn’t mean to outright choose Wooyoung over me. I feel like there was an underlying intention behind it because she looked guilty. I admit it was childish of me to feel so upset about it. But it was because I somehow felt she did that so Jiyeon can be with me.

What is she doing ? Is she seriously trying to matchmake me with Jiyeon? Doesn’t she stop and think about what I feel at all?

That’s the real reason why I felt angry so I acted cold to her.

Someone tapped on my shoulder and I turned to see Jiyeon. She looked at me, confused. “ You said you were going back early? What are you still doing here? “ she asked.

My eyes drifted elsewhere. “ I forgot where I park my car” I lied.

She giggled at me. “ What do you mean you forgot? It’s over there “ she pointed at my car, parked under a tree.

I cleared my throat. “ Right “ I said and walked quickly towards my car. I looked at her. She was looking back at me with a soft smile.

“ I’ll take you home “ I said as it’s already dark outside.

Her face immediately lit up and that overwhelmed me. I hope she’s not getting a different idea.

Suzy

I sighed and stepped into the house. Today was so tiring, I feel my shoulders ache from no rest.  I wanted to feel happy throughout the festival and enjoy it like everybody else but I just felt nothing but feeling down.

“ I’m home “ I said with no energy.

I walked into the living room to see my mother shifting worriedly back and forth. My father was sitting on the couch, he was massaging his temple.

I approached them, puzzled. “ Is there something wrong?” I asked. The atmosphere is so tense like something big just happened. I feel my breath stuck at my throat.

My mother sighed. “ Sulli went berserk when we told her that we’re moving”

I was shocked. It felt like someone just pushed me down the stairs.

“ M-move?” I stuttered in disbelief.

My mother turned to me.  “ We have to move a bit out of town. It’s near Dad’s new office” my mother explained.

“ Sulli need to understand my work. Go and explain it to her” my father instructed me. He looked disappointed and hurt. Sulli must’ve thrown a bad tantrum for my parents to look so down.

But the rest of their words became just echoes to me because I can’t stomach this news.

So many thoughts just flooded into my mind as I stood there.

School. My friends. Soohyun.

Just as his name popped up in my mind, I suddenly feel at the verge of crying. Why must I even think about him now?

My mom seems to notice my silence. She spoke softly, consoling me.  “It’s not like we’re moving right away. We’re letting you girls finish the school year”

I nodded gravely, still unable to take in the news. I can’t believe what I have heard. It felt like a dream. Was that really my mother speaking? What does she meant by moving? I’ve lived in this neighborhood all my life and know this place at the back of my hand. And now we’re moving?

The doorbell suddenly rang and I opened the door to see Soojung with a worried face. She bowed to me and ran to the stairs. She probably received the news from Sulli. Sulli and Soojung were together since forever. It must be hard on Sulli since Soojung is her only friend.

I don’t know who I need right now. IU? Jonghyun? Jiyeon?

Soohyun?

I don’t really want them to know about this. It will be even more painful if things won’t be normal at school if they found out I’m moving. I don’t want to spend the rest of my days here with them being sad that I’m about to leave.

In fact, I don’t know what to feel right now. Again, my heart feel suffocated and I hate it. I wish to just cry but tears are not spilling. Instead, my chest feels heavier and heavier like another pile of stones is put on top of me.

I only wished for a good night sleep after a long week. Now, I don’t think I’ll get a good night sleep.

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it's been a busy week last week! i'll try to manage my schedule and write more!

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