Broken.

Wrecked.

Crestfallen.

Pained.

Hurt.

Those are the words that fit me right now. They are the exact definition of the current condition of my heart. It had been a while since I last wrote here; maybe because I almost forgot the purpose why I'm here in this odd world. I became so oblivious because I became so busy embracing embracing this so-called 'butterfly feelings' that's why in the end, here I am. A girl who made a fool out of herself because she thought that everything will be okay. That's why it hit me so hard...that I, Ji Eun, is a very uncanny woman who doesn't deserve to be loved. 

The people in Fantasia were right. I am nothing but an outcast. A mistake in their world. Maybe that's why I'm here in this world...to let me know that I am a bad person who deserve to feel pain and be hurted.

'Break up' 

These are the two words that I just learned...and these two words also managed to break my heart. All my dreams, all my hope, all the things that I already imagined were shattered because of these words. Well of course it's just made up of a few letters but never ever underestimate it because it has the ability to ruin a bond no matter how strong it is. And also, it can destroy someone's happy ever after.

Until now, this unfathomable pain inside me is still here and I don't even know how to tear it away. I told Chanyeol that it was somewhere in my chest which caused him to point out that it was my heart. He was right.

It hurts. 

It hurts so much that sometimes I can't breathe whenever the night falls. It seems like I've been stuck underwater while huge chains were wrapped around me. I feel so suffocated and it hurts.

What kind of world is this, seriously?

It fooled me. At first, I thought that this world will be the key to the happiness that I'm longing for but in the end, it was the opposite of my expectation. People here are so immature. They throw love easily as if it's just a candy wrapper. 

That's why in the end, it became hard for me to trust the people around me. 

I was wrong. I admit it. Maybe I became just so caught up with my feelings that's why I actually thought that it was love. 

But this is one thing that I'm sure of: I loved Luhan.

I didn't know if he felt the same way though. 

That's why today, I wonder.

Does love has the ability to make a broken heart complete again? 

Does love give chances?

~:~

The air was gloomy when the three of them entered the car after Suzy locked the front gate of their house. Ji Eun stared blankly at the view from the window beside her. It had been days that she didn't go to school and it had been days since she shut . Chanyeol, Suzy, and Soo Ri had a hard time coping up but in the end, they quieted themselves because they knew that Ji Eun needs a space because who knows, maybe it could ease her mind about the things that just happened to her.

The ride on the way to their school was quiet and none of them dared to fight it. They just let it conquer them that they could almost hear their steady breathings.

When the car finally came to a stop, the three of them went down and just before Soo Ri could go on her way, she gave Ji Eun a long deep look before sighing. She stepped on the gas and went away while glancing at the side mirror, hoping that the burns inside the girl's heart will disappear.

Suzy started to walk but just before, she could enter the gate, she looked back and realized that Ji Eun stopped. Her feet were rooted on the ground while her head was hung low. Seeing her like that, Suzy and Chanyeol ran back to her.

The poor girl abruptly shook her head as she shut her eyes close. "I can't do it. I don't want to go to school. I want to go back."

"J-Ji Eun...c'mon..." Suzy mumbled and gave Chanyeol a pleading look because she knew that Chanyeol was the only one that could somehow make things better. Suzy admitted that she's not good when it comes to this kind of situation that's why she relies on Chanyeol so much.

Seeing his sister's look, Chanyeol took a deep breath and held Ji Eun's shoulders. "Ji Eun, look at--"

"I want to go back. I can't do th--"

"JI EUN. LISTEN. TO. ME." Chanyeol said. It wasn't loud but his tone managed to get the girl's attention including Suzy's. It made him look like that he has the authority.

Ji Eun stared straight into his brown eyes as she sniffed, searching for enough oxygen to make her feel better. 

"I...can't do this...Chanyeol." She whispered and bit her lower lip.

Tightening his grip on her shoulders, the boy tried to give a smile full of assurance. "Sure you can. You're Ji Eun!"

Not finding any satisfaction, Ji Eun nudged away his hands and started to walked away but Chanyeol ran along with Suzy and held one of Ji Eun's arms.

"Ji Eun," Suzy mumbled, staring at her brother and Ji Eun. "let's go..."

"I don't have the strength. Suz--"

"Then when will you have the strength? Huh?" Chanyeol frustratingly pointed out. "It had been days, Ji Eun. Days!"

Ji Eun sighed. "Well maybe...m-maybe this is still not the perfect moment for me to gather some strength."

Hearing her words, Chanyeol grimaced. "For heaven's sake, Ji Eun! Just take this moment and make it perfect."

Pursing her lips, Ji Eun tried to get away from his grip but she eventually failed that's why in the end, she sighed. "Then how...how?"

Sadness basked her face and all that Chanyeol could do was to give her a hopeful look. "I'll help you."

Seeing the seriousness of the two, Suzy tried to chuckle. "Actually, we'll help you. Chanyeol's too selfish to take all the burdens huh? Heh."

The latter slung her arms on his shoulders while Chanyeol just rolled his eyes at Suzy's statement, muttering under his breath his sister surely knows how to change an atmosphere of a certain situation.

Gathering a lot of courage, Ji Eun took a deep breath and gloomily walked behind the two, secretly hoping that this day will end now.

~:~

5 steps...

Ji Eun bit her lower lip as she stared at their room's door that was getting nearer as she took her steps. Something just suddenly rose inside her, making her feel that she needs to run away and go where no one could encounter her anymore but in the end, she found herself being stopped by Chanyeol just before she could enter the room.

"Stay here first." Chanyeol ordered, receiving a slight nod from the quiet one.

The boy went inside and scanned the room. Some of his classmates are having conversations with their own group of friends when Chanyeol noticed Jinhee, who was located at the very corner of the room. 

Jinhee, who was the current vice president in their class, was just putting some scribbles on a sheet of paper when she sensed Chanyeol's presence coming towards her.

"Mornin," The boy greeted, earning a wide grin from her.

"Good morning." Jinhee replied and gave him a questioning look. She had enough sense that he approached her because of a purpose. Chanyeol's not the kind who'll just make a random conversation with her anyway.

The boy awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck as he tried to put some words. "Can uhm...I ask a favor?"

Being a good listener and a person who's very understanding, Jinhee nodded. "What is it?"

Chanyeol looked around them before giving a reply that was almost registered to a whisper. "Can...you and Ji Eun switch seats for the meantime?"

Hearing his response, Jinhee wrinkled her brow. "Eh? Why?"

Not knowing what reason to give her, Chanyeol heaved his shoulders. "Just forget it."

Before the latter could turn away, Jinhee called him by his name, causing him to look back and give the girl a questioning look.

"You know, there's an empty chair, remember?" Jinhee pointed out and nodded to the chair beside hers.

Hearing her words, Chanyeol wanted to punch himself for being a nincompoop. How could he forgot that? Of course there was an empty chair ever since their classmate Yoseob migrated to Singapore.

"Oh right. Sorry." Chanyeol managed to let out an awkward huff and walked out of the room.

Ji Eun was staring at the cold floor as her left foot made invisible circles when Chanyeol went back to her. "Hey,"

"You know the empty chair where Yoseob used to sit?" Chanyeol asked, "which is two chairs away from me?"

Gathering his words, Ji Eun nodded.

"Well good. Now sit there."

Ji Eun didn't get it but when the both of them finally entered the classroom, she realized that Chanyeol did it so that she wouldn't be near to the boy who just broke her heart. After taking on her new found seat, Chanyeol gave her a look and mouthed, "You okay there?"

The girl just nodded and mouthed, "Thanks."

Chanyeol was two chairs away from her now and Ji Eun looked at the chair where she used to sit. Luhan's still not there which is a complete relief to her.

In the end, she realized that Luhan was absent that day. 

Chanyeol was right. This is the perfect moment for her to go to school.

~:~

Her elbows were rested on top of the table as Ji Eun blandly stared at what's outside the window. She was watching intently at the thin layer of clouds that was slowly moving as the sun shyly peeked through it, sending some slivers of light through the window.

She was just looking at it with an empty mind that she didn't even realize that their teacher was calling her name.

"Ji Eun," The older one repeated. Her hands were crossed on her chest, frustrated at the student's laziness.

Getting out from her pointless trance, Ji Eun averted her gaze and raised her brow. "Uhh?"

Clicking her tongue, Mrs. Song repeated, "I said do you know the area of this rhomboid?"

Completely clueless of the current discussion, Ji Eun cleared . "Uhhmm...uhhh...u-undefined?"

Some thin chuckles from her classmates were heard while Mrs. Song just sighed but just before she could let out another word, the bell finally rang for break time, causing the students to rise up from their seats.

"Let's continue this tomorrow." The older one announce as she gathered her books that were on the table.

Ji Eun scratched her head as she fished for her wallet from her bag when Chanyeol slowly took some steps toward her.

"What?" The girl asked after zipping her bag.

"Let's go together."

Taking a hold of herself, Ji Eun sighed. "Look...Chanyeol. I appreciate what you're doing but you can go now. I can manage myself."

Uncertain of her statement, Chanyeol raised one of his eyebrows. "Sure?"

Ji Eun shrugged. "Yeah. It's not like I'm a baby or something."

Even though he wasn't convince at her answer, Chanyeol sighed and walked away. Little did her know that Ji Eun decided that today, she will slowly gather some strengths and try to help her own being.

~:~

"Someone's a little bit sad and out of herself a while ago."

Ji Eun turned and realized that Myungsoo went beside her while she was making her way through the hallway. The boy gave him a sheepish smile while the girl tried to smile in return. "Hey Myungsoo."

"You've been gone for a while." The boy mentioned, "something happened?"

Trying to get away from his question, Ji Eun shrugged. "Nah...it's nothing to worry about."

Myungsoo stared at how melancholy basked his friend's face and he knew that there's something wrong. Ji Eun's not like that anyway. Whenever they're on their way to the cafeteria, she's always the one who do a lot of talking between the both of them.

The latter took a hold on one of her shoulders, causing her to stop from her tracks.

"Are you okay?"

Pursing her lips, Ji Eun took a deep breath and gazed at his eyes and she saw how concerned Myungsoo was. She knew he was her friend and she cannot lie.

"No..." The latter merely mumbled which surprised Myungsoo.

"W-what's the matter?" He asked, awfully curious of what's going on behind her gloomy facade.

Ji Eun forced a chuckle and shook her head as if it's no big deal. "It's just about me and...Luhan."

Wrinkling his brow, Myungsoo gave her a confused look. "What? I mean...let's talk about it."

Ji Eun stared at her friend as she suddenly realized that she's slowly lowering her guards which caused her to get back on her track and pretend that she got everything under her control. "You know what. It's just nothing. Let's not talk about it."

"Are you su--"

"Gosh Myungsoo. Yes. I'm super duper sure." Ji Eun cut with an exaggerated tone.

Encountering her frustration, Myungsoo blinked. "I'm sorry."

Ji Eun decided to just shrug it away and let out a sigh as the two of them continued to walk. "I'm sorry too...it's just that I'm so...stressed."

"Why?"

"Nah, you wouldn't understand it anyway." Ji Eun pointed out and looked straight ahead.

Myungsoo pursed his lips. "I'll try."

Heaving out a sigh, Ji Eun let out a reply. "Look, you don't have an idea what it feels like to love someone who doesn't love you back."

When those words left , it managed to seep inside Myungsoo and wrapped his very own heart. Of course he absolutely knows what it feels like. He's in that kind of situation for a couple of months now and to Myungsoo, that feeling isn't foreign to him.

The boy cleared his throat and averted his gaze to the floor. "No, Ji Eun. I do know what it feels like. I really do."

And the girl was completely clueless.

~:~

Ji Eun entered the female restroom and saw Chohee and Hara, which are her classmates, busily fixing themselves in front of the mirror that was wiped ago by a janitress. 

Ji Eun quietly moved towards the faucet and washed her hands as her ears perked up the girls' conversation.

"So what's the plan today?" Chohee questioned, brushing her short brown hair that has different lengths.

Putting her cologne inside her small bag, Hara made a reply. "Let's drink some Soju. I've had so many problems lately. Let's escape those for once."

"Call!" Chohee responded and high fived her friend when Ji Eun suddenly averted her eyes to them. 

"Hey," Ji Eun mumbled, catching their cheery attitude.

Chohee gave her a questioning look as Ji Eun finds the right words to say. "S-Soju? Why do you drink it?"

"To give ourselves a break from our frustrating lessons." Hara said as she wearily rolled her eyes.

"And to just have fun." Chohee added with a wink.

As curiosity flooded Ji Eun, she opened again. "To escape some problems you say?"

"Yup!" Hara agreed. 

Being convinced by their answers, Ji Eun bit her lower lip. "Uhh can I come? Just for today?"

Chohee and Hara stared at each other for a while and chuckled. "Of course! Later, dismissal time."

~:~

"Hey, I won't come home with you and Suzy." Ji Eun said when she and Chanyeol reached the waiting area which caused Chanyeol to give her a questioning look.

"Wait what? Why?" He bombarded.

Scratching her head, Ji Eun shrugged. "I still have something to do first."

"What is it then?" 

"Well..." Ji Eun looked at the ground. "Oh c'mon. It's none of your business."

Hearing her words, Chanyeol rolled his eyes. "Well okay. How will you go home then?"

Being frustrated, Ji Eun took a deep breath. "For goodness' sake Chanyeol. Enough with the questions."

The boy was kind of taken aback at what she said and just before he could even make another word, she walked away. 

"Hey! Ji Eun!" Chanyeol shouted. 

"Stop worrying, Chanyeol." Ji Eun mumbled when he ran towards her. "I'm with someone so I know how to go home. I'll be fine."

"Who's that someone?"

Ji Eun pursed her lips and looked at the students that were getting out of their classrooms. "Myungsoo."

He raised one of his eyebrows and gave the girl a judgemental stare but in the end, he sighed. "Make sure you'll come home early. Mom won't be there tonight so Suzy and I will take the bus."

Ji Eun just ignored his statements and ran away from him and as Chanyeol stared at her figure that was getting far, he let out his breath with so much worry. Chanyeol knew that she's getting frustrated of all that's happened and the way how Ji Eun acts to him these past few days make him feel like he doesn't have the right to barge in her life.

But what could he do?

He just can't stop worrying.

How could he stop worrying if he knows how much her heart hurts?

~:~

"There you go girls." Hara said as she placed the tray on the wooden table while Chohee's eyes glimmered upon seeing the bottle of Soju along with three small glasses.

"This restaurant is yours?" Ji Eun asked as she looked around. There were only a few customers which made her more comfortable.

"Yup." Hara replied, "my mom and dad established this when I was three."

"Oh..." Ji Eun nodded and looked at how Chohee quickly put some Soju on her glass and shoved it in .

Hara did the same while Ji Eun slowly put some on the glass that was given to her.

She stared at its fading yellowish color and cleared . The smell was absolutely unusual to her and as Chohee and Hara cheered for her to do it, Ji Eun shut her eyes close and drink it. 

Ji Eun grimaced at its aftertaste. It was strong that she even felt it burn but in the end, she found herself drinking another glass full of Soju.

Ji Eun was just so desperate to take her problems away.

~:~

Suzy turned off the television and looked at Chanyeol who's seated on the couch while reading a random book. "Hey Chanyeol, it's almost seven and Ji Eun is still not here."

Hearing her information, Chanyeol sighed and put down his book. "I know. But she told me that she's with Myungsoo."

Suzy's ears perked up at his response. "Oh. Well I think she could go home safely then."

Unconvinced by her answer, Chanyeol rolled his eyes and laid himself on the couch.

The girl sighed and stood up to return the glass to the kitchen and when she finally came back, she stretched her arms and looked at her brother. "Hey, I'll go now to my room. I still have a lot of homeworks to do."

Chanyeol just nodded and watched her go away while worry basked his face.

The latter stared at the ceiling with a blank face and slowly, his eyes closed.

~:~

There was something vibrating beneath him which caused Chanyeol to open his eyes just before he could go to his dreamland.

His eyes widened and something burst inside him when he realized that Ji Eun was calling that's why he quickly picked it up.

"Hello? Ji Eun? Where are you now?" 

Much to his surprise, the voice wasn't hers.

"Hey Chanyeol. Uhh this is Chohee." The other line responded, "Ji Eun's kind of out of herself now...is it okay if you could pick her up here? She told us to call you so she could go home."

Wrinkling his brow, Chanyeol stood up from the couch. "Wait. C-Chohee? Why are you with her and where are you?"

"We're at Hara's restaurant. You know that right?" 

"Yeah. Wait, Chohee. What is she doing now?"

"Well she kind of passed out."

Hearing her reply, Chanyeol widened his eyes. "Passed out?! What happened?"

"Because she just freakin' drink a lot of soju."

"I'm on my way."

Chanyeol quickly ran to his room and grabbed his black cardigan that was hanging inside his closet and without even leaving a word to Suzy, he went out with a throbbing head.

~:~

It was a walking distance from their house so Chanyeol found himself running heavily as he felt the cold vicious wind hit his cheeks.

The sky was absolutely dark with only a few shimmering stars and no matter how chilly the night was, Chanyeol didn't mind and continued on searching for Hara's restaurant.

He knew that because he remembered the day when he was still a sophomore. Hara was one of his groupmates and they decided to make their project there. 

It had been a long while since he last encountered it but its location was still vivid to him.

"Yah, Ji Eun, you already drank too much." Hara said as she rested her elbow on the wooden table, staring at Ji Eun.

"It's already dark too." Chohee muttered after giving back the phone to Ji Eun.

Ji Eun chuckled and slapped Chohee's arm playfully."I don't c-care."

"We shouldn't have brought her here." Hara mumbled and suddenly felt that her eyes were starting to get heavy.

Chohee just scratched her head with a sigh when she heard the sudden opening of the entrance door, causing her and Hara to avert their eyes.

It was Chanyeol who was panting heavily. 

The latter grumpily walked towards them and looked at Ji Eun whose head was buried on her arms.

"I thought she was with Myungsoo?" Chanyeol asked, completely confused.

The girls just raised their brows and gave a shrug which made Chanyeol huff in disbelief. "This girl knows how lie now."

Ji Eun lifted her head and sluggishly opened her eyes only to see a serious boy whose curls were now straight.

"Channieeee!" Ji Eun giggled. "You'r--hicc--here!"

Seeing the result of Soju to her, Chanyeol rolled his eyes and helped her stood up, ignoring her alcoholic smell. "Let's go home."

"But I--hicc--want--hic--more." Ji Eun pouted although she ended up slunging one of her arms on his shoulder.

Ignoring her statement, Chanyeol looked at the two girls whose faces were finally basked in relief because Ji Eun could finally go.

"Thanks for calling me, Chohee. Good night."

They just nodded at his ending remark and looked as he struggled to drag the drunk Ji Eun outside.

Ji Eun continued to hiccup when the two of them finally got out and just before they could continue, Chanyeol stopped and decided to just piggyback her instead. It was kind of hard for him to let her slung her arm on her shoulder because of their opposite heights.

He bent down while Ji Eun had a hard time balancing herself just to get on him but in the end, she succeeded although she's out of her mind.

When he finally stood up, Ji Eun kept on mumbling words while Chanyeol looked straight ahead. 

"You know how to lie now, Ji Eun." 

"Hmmm?"

The boy disregarded her word and just quieted himself while Ji Eun just goofily stared at his side profile. "You--hicc--know, those girls were the one who lied."

"Oh yeah?"

Ji Eun hiccuped and tightened her arms around him. "They told me that Soj--soju could take away my problems."

Hearing the slurriness of her voice, Chanyeol just ignored her statement.

"I d--dranked a lot of them, Channieee." Ji Eun mumbled. "A LOOOOOOOOOT."

There was exaggeration in her tone but Chanyeol continued on listening.

"But..." Ji Eun hiccuped for the nth time. "But the burns are still here."

Ji Eun ran her index finger down and pointed his chest. "It still hurts. It--hicc--hurts."

Chanyeol bit his lip and heaved a sigh. "Drinking cannot take it away, Ji Eun."

Ji Eun started to hum something andd played her fingers with his bronze hair. 

"Learn to let go, Ji Eun." Chanyeol muttered but much to his dissapointment, she didn't give any reply and continued to hum.

As he walked, the only sound that serenaded him was their steady breathing and Ji Eun's unrecognizable hum.

~:~

Chanyeol laid Ji Eun on the long couch and stretched his arms while relief flooded him. Ji Eun kept on shifting her position and Chanyeol could only sigh. He went to the kitchen to get her a glass of water if ever she returned to her self.

As he walked back to the living room, he glanced at the clock and realized that it was already eight fifteen in the evening.

Ji Eun wrapped her arms around the squared pillow. "I ser--hicc--iously hate Luhan."

"He broke my heart..." She slurringly said and continued it. "He broke my heart. Luhan broke my heart."

Seeing her condition, Chanyeol sighed and placed the glass of water on the center table.

"But at least Chanyeol is there." Ji Eun goofingly said before sniffing, catching Chanyeol's attention.

He bent down and sat on the floor to meet her face. With a small smile playing on his lips, Chanyeol replied. "Glad you know."

Ji Eun's eyes turned into crescent moons as she chuckled and put her hands on his cheeks, surprising Chanyeol.

"Ch--Channie is sometimes irritating and a party pooper." Ji Eun hiccuped, "But...he knows how to make me smile and laugh. He doesn't hurt me because he cares for me...I can see it in--hicc--him."

Hearing her statements, Chanyeol felt as if his heart became so big that his rib cage became far too small to contain it while he let his eyes get lost in hers.

Ji Eun chuckled and patted his cheeks before removing her hands from it. "I think I wouldn't be like this if I chose him instead of Luhan."

With a chuckle, Ji Eun wrapped her hands again around the pillow and closed her eyes as she hummed another odd tune while Chanyeol, on the other hand, just stared at her. 

After a while, he stood up and sighed after patting her hair. 

"I wonder what would it be like if you have fallen for me instead of him."

He whispered and went upstairs, letting those words roam around the room until it banishes without even being discovered.

FindingSunshine 2013|01|07