When I first started noticing na may problema si Mama and Papa, I never would have expected na dadating sa point na magiging ganito kalala.

 

Growing up with them, nakita ko naman na palagi nilang naaayos whatever problems they were facing. Papa always took pride sa fact na siya ang padre de pamilya kaya he always takes responsibilities sa mga bagay.

 

That's why it pains me to the core that this is happening because of him.

 

Mali ba ang pagkakakilala ko sa kanya?

 

Where is the brave man that I've always looked up to?

 

I should have known simula pa lang nung napansin ko na something was off dahil sa mga vague answers ni Mama. I guess I just really thought magiging okay din ang lahat eventually.

 

Makikipag hiwalay na ako sa Papa mo

 

That text message made me feel numb.

 

It started nung tumawag sa akin si Mama that night after namin magtalo ni Winter tungkol sa nangyaring dinner with SSDC.

 

 

I feel terrible for leaving Winter after our fight. Masyado akong nadala ng emotions ko and I just wanted to go home. I even refused na magpahatid sa kanya.

 

Nagsisisi tuloy ako bigla now that I cleared my head already.

 

Chineck ko ulit ang text niya kanina.

 

Winter ❤: Nakauwi ka na?

 

Me: 👍🏼

 

I have a feeling that she's sulking dahil sa sobrang cold kong reply sa kanya. Kaya I started typing again to tell her na I'm okay now at pupuntahan ko siya.

 

But then suddenly, tumawag si Mama.

 

It's already late at medyo unusual na tatawag siya ng ganitong oras kaya medyo kinabahan ako. Did something happen?

 

"Hello, Ma?"

 

"Rina.." Oh no. She's been crying. What did Papa do this time?

 

"Ano pong nangyari?" Kalmado akong sumagot. I didn't want her to feel even worse than she's already feeling right now kapag na-sense niya na may slight panic sa boses ko.

 

She was breathing heavily. Rinig ko sa line ang kanyang pag hinga, "Nag-away kami ng Papa mo. He left.. This is the first time na ginawa niya 'yon." Rinig ko sa pananalita ni Mama na para bang she's fed up.

 

Like she's had enough.

 

Tama naman siya. Sa ilang buwan na nagtatalo sila at hindi sila okay, ngayon lang nangyari na umalis si Papa. And it makes my blood boil.

 

Siya pa ang may ganang umalis...

 

"Bakit siya umalis, Ma? Ang kapal ng mukha niya! He had the nerve to—"

 

"Rina."

 

I sighed. I know that tone. It's sort of a warning na wag ko masyadong pagsalitaan si Papa ng hindi maganda.

 

Napa iling na lang ako sa sarili, "Ma. You can't possibly expect me to remain calm when I know he left you alone diyan sa condo. Bakit ba siya umalis in the first place? Babalik ba siya?"

 

The anger in me says na ayoko siyang bumalik. But I also want him to stay...

 

Because I know it's gonna crush Mama kapag umalis siya at iniwan kami. And ayoko mang aminin sa sarili ko, but it's also going to leave a hole in my chest.

 

"He didn't bring his things.. I t-think he's going to come back.." Nanghihina na ang boses niya, "I hope he does. I don't know what I'll do, Rina.. I can't face this all alone.."

 

My face is stone cold, pero dumadaloy ang luha galing sa mata ko, "M-maybe he'll come back. Nagpapalamig lang.. Alam mo naman si Papa, diba? Matigas ang ulo non kapag hindi nasusunod." I fake laughed.

 

Gusto kong pagaanin ang loob ni Mama kaya isinantabi ko na lang muna ang galit na nararamdaman ko sa tatay ko.

 

"Yeah.." She chuckled lightly, "Yeah. Maybe tomorrow. I'll let you know, okay? Of course he won't leave us. I just don't know why he's been on edge lately.. Parang may pinagtataguan. I have no idea.."

 

I am as clueless as she is. Sana nagsasabi si Papa para naman mapagtulungan namin kung may problema siya. The problem is he's too prideful.

 

"It's gonna be okay, Ma. Balitaan mo ko tomorrow, okay? Magpahinga ka na. It's late. I'll tell Tita na samahan ka diyan." It's taking everything in me not to let her hear me cry.

 

"Okay, anak.. I love you. Don't worry too much.."

 

I covered my mouth with my hand to stifle my sob, "O-Of course, Ma.. I love you too." I ended the call immediately dahil hindi ko na kayang tiisin ang luha ko.

 

 

If I knew that that was going to be the start of my life’s biggest downfall, eh di sana mas pinaghandaan ko. Sana mas alam ko kung ano ang gagawin when problems like this arise.

 

Sa buong buhay ko, I can count sa aking kamay kung ilang beses lang kami nagkaroon ng problema as a family. I always had it easy because my parents were well-off and in love. Ito ang nakasanayan ko.

 

Maybe that’s why when Mama went home for Christmas and it finally hit us na kaming dalawa na lang, I couldn’t help but feel miserable. I wasn't showing it, but deep deep down, I know I am.

 

Papa is in the province. Si Lolo pa ang tumawag kay Mama nung nakaraan to let us know na nandon ang tatay ko to hide from the people na inutangan niya ng God knows how much.

 

He probably borrowed money to gamble hoping na mas mapapalago ito. Pero ang ending, natalo nang natalo. Umutang nang umutang. It was a cycle siguro. He just couldn't accept defeat and give up with the thought na kailangan mag expand sa Manila.

 

Until he couldn’t pay at ayun, tumakbo sa province. Para ano? Iwan kay Mama ang lahat ng problema? What kind of a man is he? What kind of a father is he...

 

“Morning, Ma.” I noticed her na nakatingin sa kawalan habang umiinom ng morning coffee niya. I didn’t comment on it. “Winter will be here later tonight. Dito raw siya mag celebrate ng Christmas Eve.”

 

She barely looked at me, “That’s great. At least it’s not just the two of us.” I heard her sarcastic laugh, “Sorry, anak. This could have been prevented kung hindi ko hinayaan na ipilit niya ang gusto niya.”

 

“Ma.” I uttered pointedly, “This could have been prevented if he wasn’t an . Don’t blame yourself.”

 

Natawa naman siya sa sinabi ko. She even looked at me in the eye at ngumiti, “He is an . Buti hindi ka nagmana sa kanya. Pasalamat ka sakin ka nagmana!” She tried to make the atmosphere lighter.

 

Lumapit ako sa kanya, giving her a bone-crushing hug, “He could only wish he was as brave as you. I won’t leave you, Ma. I’ll be here. I’ll help. We’ll get through this. Hindi naman siguro ganon kalaki yung debt.”

 

She was looking at me proudly, “You’ve grown so much. I swear, dati lagi ka lang tango nang tango, always just taking what we're giving you." She hugged me back, "I also need to thank Winter kasi she makes you level headed. Don’t let her get away from you ha! Nako, Katarina!"

 

I let out a hearty laugh, “She does. And no, hindi na siya mawawala sa tabi ko noh! She keeps me grounded. And she makes me feel like everything is gonna be okay, Ma. And I know magiging okay rin ang lahat.”

 

I'm not so sure about that. But anong mapapala ko kung sasabihin ko ito kay Mama? What we both need right now is motivation from each other.  

 

Tinusok-tusok niya ang gilid ng bewang ko, “You’re disgustingly in love. Ikekwento ko kay Winter yang mga cheesy lines mo about her!”

 

“Ma, wag! Lalaki ang ulo non! Aasarin niya ako!” I rolled my eyes pakunwari. "Anyways, anong gusto mong food for later?"

 

She furrowed her brows, parang hindi sure kung ano ang gusto. Then I remembered na it's always been Papa who prepares kapag may occasions. He didn't want Mama to help kasi daw ayaw niyang mapagod si Mama.

 

I used to find that sweet. But now that I think about it, parang lagi nga na si Papa ang nasusunod? Kahit pa he means well.

 

"I like crispy pata." I glanced at her teasingly. Tinaasan niya ako ng kilay, "What? Ngayon lang naman. Umorder ka dun sa favorite resto natin. I'll pay! Order ka rin ng gusto mo."

 

So I did. Nag asikaso ako ng mga kakainin namin mamayang gabi. I didn't want this Christmas to feel like it's the worst one so far dahil lang wala si Papa. I somehow wanted it to be... normal. For Mama. And for myself.

 

Is that even possible?

 

Feeling ko kasi nothing will ever be the same after what happened.

 

Parang sa lahat ng bagay ay kailangan na naming mag adjust.

 

Me: Baby hello. Kamusta diyan? I miss u ^.^

 

Winter ❤: Aba aba good mood ka ah.

 

I'm trying to be.

 

Winter ❤: Gusto mo akong magpunta diyan nang maaga noh?

 

Me: Haha how'd you know?

 

Winter ❤: I just do :p

 

Me: K 😕 Dito ka na magdinner. Sunduin kita? Babati rin ako sa parents mo

 

Winter ❤: Okayyy. Mag ready na ako baby

 

Nilingon ko sa Mama. Nakaupo siya sa sofa namin sa living area, bukas ang TV pero parang malalim ang iniisip niya. Was she looking at our family photo?

 

I made a mental note na alisin ito soon.

 

"Ma. I'll go pick up Winter sa kanila. Will you be okay here?" Hindi ko maiwasan na hindi mag-alala sa kanya. Baka kapag iniwan ko siya, mag-breakdown na lang bigla.

 

Or am I projecting myself sa kanya?

 

I don't know.

 

This will pass...

 

"Of course, anak. Ask mo rin sina kumare kung gustong pumunta dito. They're welcome here." Pilit ang kanyang ngiti. I can tell when she's faking it. But then again, ganon din siguro ako and Mama just chooses not to say anything about it.

 

"Okay po." I walked towards her at hinalikan siya on the side of her head, "I'll be back. I love you, Ma." She was taken aback sa sinabi ko. Hindi naman kasi ako pala-sabi ng ganito.

 

She smiled nonetheless at nakita ko pang medyo namasa ang kanyang mata, "I love you too, anak. I'm sure your Papa loves yo—"

 

"I don't know about that, Ma. Let's not talk about him." It's for the best. If he really does love us, then he has a weird way of showing it.

 

She nodded in understanding, "Sige na. Sunduin mo na si Winter."

 

I went straight sa bahay ng girlfriend ko. Rinig na kaagad yung ingay sa may labas ng gate nila at parang nandito yung iba nilang relatives. Nagkakaraoke sina Tito at Tita pati yung mga kamag-anak nila.

 

Tita spotted me, "Karina! Pasok ka, anak. Pasok. Nandon pa si Winter, nag-aayos ng sarili. Kakatapos lang magluto ng manok." She hugged me. Pati si Tito ay binati ako.

 

It's nice seeing them this happy.

 

I could only wish ganito pa rin kami nila Mama and Papa but it's nonsense to dwell on that right now. I'm just happy for my girlfriend dahil naging okay ang family niya.

 

Lumabas na rin si Winter not long after and she immediately went to my side, kissing me on my cheek without a care kung may ibang tao na nakakakita sa amin, "Merry Christmas, baby. Tara na. May dala akong lasagna."

 

Napanganga na lang yung isa niyang relative na guy na mukhang kasing age namin dahil sa nakita. Pinandilatan ito ni Winter kaya he quickly looked away.

 

"Pasabi kay kumare hindi kami makakaalis ha. Sa New Year na lang kamo! Merry Christmas sa kanila nila pareng Carl!" Winter gave me a worried look pero binrush off ko lang naman si Tito, telling him na I'll tell my parents their regards.

 

We walked hand in hand papalabas ng bahay nila at dumerecho na rin sa amin. She brought lasagna para kay Mama which I was thankful for.

 

Winter doesn't say it but I know she's worried about me. Hindi ko naman siya masisisi. I'd be worried too kung sa kanya nangyari. I'm just glad na hindi niya masyadong pinapahalata and she's acting normal around me.

 

When we got back to our house, parang mas kapansin-pansin pa yung gloomy mood ni Mama. Especially when Winter mentioned na nag visit yung relatives nila for Christmas.

 

I asked her na kumain na kami, but she insisted to stay in her room. At least she had the energy to hug me and my girlfriend.

 

"She's sad." I could not help but say.

 

After ng mga nangyaring pagtatampo ni Winter about me not telling her my problems, I made sure na maging open sa kanya at any given chance.

 

"Karina.." I bet she's going to say na she knows I'm sad too, "It’s okay kung sad ka rin. Hindi mo kailangan mag pretend sa akin."

 

I knew I could never hide from her.

 

But thankful ako sa presence niya dito sa amin ngayong Christmas. The holidays feel bearable with her and Mama by my side.

 

However, I should have known something was going to come up after Christmas. Hindi nawawala sa akin ang bad feeling na hindi agad matatapos ang problema namin.

 

And it came through a phone call from Tita, two days matapos ang pasko.

 

"Ate Helena, hello. Kamusta? Napatawag ka?" Nakikinig ako sa phone call nila. Mama is letting me listen kaya nilagay niya ito on speaker.

 

"May nagpunta sa opisina. Hinahanap si Carl." Nagkatinginan kami ni Mama dahil sa narinig. Tita continued, "Alam mo ba kung gaano kalaki ang nautang ng asawa mo? Kaya naman pala nagtago."

 

I immediately held Mama's hands para kumalma siya. Parang hindi niya kayang magsalita at nanginginig siya, "Tita.. Si Karina po ito. C-can you call some other time?"

 

I heard her sigh, "Take care of you Mom, okay? Be strong. It's gonna be okay. Pera lang yan. We'll earn it, and we'll pay off the debts."

 

"Okay po.." Hindi ko na rin magawang makipag usap pa. I was just so worried kay Mama dahil ngayon ko lang siya nakitang ganito ka-shaken.

 

Being left alone by your husband tapos may iniwan na malaking utang... Hindi ko siya masisisi. Ang daming pumapasok sa isip ko na possibilities.

 

Makukulong ba si Papa?

 

Iha-harrass ba kami nung pinagutangan niya?

 

In danger ba yung life namin?

 

Hindi ko na rin alam. This is all making me anxious. Lalo pa siguro yung nararamdaman ni Mama ngayon.

 

Kinuha ko kaagad siya ng malamig na tubig, "Ma. Uminom ka muna ng tubig.. You're shaking.. Please relax." Namumuo na ang luha sa mata niya. Namumula na rin ito sa pagpipigil niya, "It's gonna be fine. W-We'll manage."

 

"Will we?" Galit niyang sabi, "What if we don't manage? W-What if malubog tayo sa utang? Lahat ng pinaghirapan namin, napunta sa wala.." This is the first time also na nagpakita si Mama sa akin na natatakot siya.

 

Na doubtful siya.

 

And that's when I know na hindi lang talaga simpleng problema ang meron kami. And that I have to somehow help her.

 

I'm not going to lie, may tiny hope pa rin sa akin ang umaasa na Papa will come back and make the problems go away.

 

Pero mukhang hindi nga talaga.

 

That's why days after, I completely isolated myself sa bahay kasama si Mama. Even kay Winter, hindi muna ako nagpapakita.

 

Sobrang adamant ako na makagawa ng paraan. I searched for part time jobs. Nag-contact din ako ng mga professors kung saan ako pwedeng mag SA pero sabi nila tapos na ang applications and may mga nakuha na.

 

I called Yeji.

 

"Karina? What's up?"

 

"Hey. Do you know kung saan pwedeng makahanap ng part time job? I-I'm asking for a friend.." I didn't say na para ito sa akin. I don't want questions. At least not right now.

 

"Hmm.. Online ba?" That's better.

 

I nodded enthusiastically even though she couldn't see me, "Yeah. That would be okay. In fact, I think it's the best option. May alam ka ba?"

 

"Yup. Try niyong mag-check sa Upwork. Nag VA ako doon dati. I can send tips on how to make a good profile for your friend." I knew I could count on Yeji sa mga ganitong bagay. Madiskarte din kasi siya at ang alam ko nga, nag part-time siya before.

 

"That would be great! Salamat.. I'm sorry hindi ako nakakatawag lately."

 

Tumawa siya, "Hindi mo nga raw sinasagot si Yunjin. Nagrarant sa akin si bruha." She has been texting nga... Patay ako don. "Kars, you know we're here, right? Don't be a stranger."

 

"Oo naman. Thanks, Yej."

 

I checked my inbox kaagad pagkatapos ng call at napakarami ngang texts ni Yunjin. Mas marami pa compared sa baby ko. Jusko.

 

I ignored her messages muna. I'll deal with her later.

 

Gusto kong makausap si Winter...

 

Nitong mga nakaraang araw ay hinahayaan lang niya ako na mag take time for myself. Of course Winter being Winter, she knows I need this para sa sarili ko and kay Mama. I know she understands.

 

But I also don't want to worry her anymore. Alam kong nagpipigil lang siya na sugurin ako dito sa bahay para malaman ang lagay ko.

 

Napangiti ako sa messages from her last night.

 

Winter❤: Kain ka na. Pag nagpagutom ka, hindi kita ikikiss. Lol haha

 

Winter ❤: Sleep well, baby. Kapag hindi ka makatulog, listen to this. *Voice note attachment*

 

It's a song cover of her singing Tadhana. Favorite song ko ito na nirerequest sa kanya nung High School. It's sweet that she still remembers.

 

Winter ❤: Morning baby! Magkikita kami ni Ning mamaya

 

Winter ❤: Sunod ka if you like. If hindi ka pwede, okay lang din hehe

 

Ito yung last texts niya kanina which I replied with my refusal. I just really don't like the thought na iiwan kong mag isa si Mama sa bahay ngayon. Although alam ko naman na she can manage, hindi ko lang talaga gusto.

 

"Karina. Why are you moping around the house like me? Go out with your friends." Weird na tinitignan ako ni Mama. She sat beside me, "Worried ka ba sakin?"

 

I put my head on her shoulder, letting out a long sigh, "It's hard not to worry, Ma." Tinignan ko siya, "What if mag LOA ako tapos sumama na lang muna ako sayo sa Manila?" Bigla lang itong pumasok sa isip ko.

 

"Or dito ka muna sa LB and let Tita handle the agency.." Humina yung boses ko. Para kasing walang sense ang mga pinagsususuggest ko at hindi makakatulong sa situation.

 

All I was thinking ay yung makasama ko si Mama.

 

"You know it's a lot more complicated than that, right?" Tumango ako. She kissed the side of my head, "I have to go back sa Manila and settle things. And no, hindi ka pwedeng mag LOA." Pinandilatan niya ako, "Isang sem na lang naman. Finish it first then tsaka ka sumunod sa Manila."

 

I hate to admit it pero tama naman si Mama. Isang sem na lang and I'm done with college. Sayang naman. She always told me before na hindi na siya makapag antay na makita ako wearing my UP sablay.

 

"Okay, Ma.."
 

"Now." Inalis niya ang pagkakapatong ng ulo ko on her shoulder, "Call Winter. Go out. Tell her about your worries. I don't know. Pero itigil mo ang pagbabantay sa akin dito. I'm okay!" Her tone was light and it made me smile.

 

I nodded, "Ang dami mo naman utos."

 

She rolled her eyes on me at dumerecho na sa room niya, "I'll take a nap then magluto ako ng dinner natin later. Contact your jowa!" She shouted before entering her room.

 

Kinuha ko kaagad ang phone ko to text my girlfriend. The conversation with Mama somehow eased the tension that I feel within myself. At least for now.

 

Natatawa ako sa reply ni Winter with my texts. Gusto kaagad niya akong tawagan. But I'm glad she does, dahil gusto ko na rin marinig ang boses niya.

 

"Baby.." She was quick to say, katulad ng kung gaano niya kabilis sinagot ang tawag ko.

 

I laid down the couch, "Hi.. I missed you, Win." I responded. I want her to know first thing na na-miss ko siya sa ilang araw na hindi kami nagkita.

 

She asked kung kamusta ako. It was evident in her voice na nag-iingat siya sa tanong niya. She probably didn't want me to feel obligated na magsabi sa kanya ng mga problema ko.

 

In hindsight, there's some truth to that. Ayoko naman na puro problema ko ang pag-usapan naming dalawa. We just started dating tapos ganito na kaagad, diba? But she has to know my worries and feelings.

 

Hindi naman siguro dadating sa point na maaapektuhan nitong problema ko ang relationship namin.

 

Well.

 

Sana hindi dumating sa point na ganon.

 

Gusto ko lang nandiyan siya sa tabi ko while I deal with things. It would be very stressful kung pati siya ay madadamay as well as the dynamics of our relationship.

 

She was just listening intently habang nagkekwento ako ng mga nangyari. I even opened up to her about my plans on getting a job na alam kong ikaka-worry ni Winter.

 

“Alam ba ni Tita? Baka magalit yun.. Sasabihin non unahin mo yung studies. Graduating ka, babe.” I knew she was going to say this.

 

I quickly reassured her, “Ako na bahala.. I’ll manage. I just— I can’t not do anything, alam mo yun? Ayokong matulad kay Papa na walang ginagawa during this difficult time. All he does is hide.”

 

Bumalik nanaman sa isip ko ang magaling kong tatay. Kapag nababanggit siya at kapag naiisip ko ang ginawa niya, all I feel is remorse.

 

Winter didn't answer. Hindi siguro alam ang sasabihin niya which is understandable. I softened my tone, “I’m sorry, ngayon na lang ulit tayo nag usap tapos I bombarded you with my family problems. It’s gonna be okay. Nagsabi din sina Tita na they’ll help.”

 

Tinanong niya kung okay naman daw ba ako, too much worry is laced in her tone.

 

"Yes, babe. I guess I just needed alone time with Mama. Okay naman kami. It’s gonna be fine.”

 

I felt like I always needed to tell her na it's going to be fine. Na I'm gonna be okay. Gusto ko rin itong paulit-ulitin, until I fully believe it.

 

Ayoko siyang mag-alala masyado sa akin. Ayoko rin na dumating ang point na tuwing magkikita kami, she'll give me her worried looks. I don't want that to happen.

 

I want to give her a relationship na hindi niya kailangan maging maingat sa pakikipag usap sa akin. Na hindi niya kailangan maging malungkot para sa akin.

 

It's going to be fine.

 

It's going to be okay.

 

Magiging okay ako, at walang magbabago sa amin ni Winter.

 

 

 

—

 

 

 

I knew it was a wishful thinking on my part when I hoped na magiging okay rin ang lahat as long as I keep on holding on sa fact na we're going to move past this.

 

Pero syempre, life is never that easy. Especially on people with family and financial problems. Katulad namin ni Mama.

 

I was doing okay nung mag umpisa ang taon. In fact, little by little ay nagkakaroon ako ng spark of hope na wala naman dati.

 

Enlisted ako sa lahat ng subjects ko.

 

Graduating ako.

 

Awaiting ako dun sa isang potential online job na inapplyan ko.

 

I mean at least diba, may something good na nangyayari amidst all these chaos. Tapos nandiyan din si Winter who’s been nothing but supportive sa akin at kay Mama.

 

Also... Winter and I finally made love.

 

I couldn't have asked for a better timing. It was really the most magical thing that has ever happened to me at sa kanya rin sana. And it was what I needed to remind myself that indeed, everything will be just fine.

 

But just two weeks into the sem, I received a phone call from an unknown number. Akala ko pa nga si Papa…

 

 

“Hello?” It was a long day of classes, mabibwisit talaga ko kapag prank call ito.

 

“Is this Katarina Yu?” Hindi familiar yung boses.

 

Napa-upo ako sa bench along Carabao Park, “Yes po. Speaking. Sino po sila?” Nagsimula na akong makaramdam ng hindi maganda. Feeling ko may kinalaman ito kay Papa.

 

Lahat ng hindi magandang nangyayari, sinisisi ko lang sa kanya lahat lately.

 

“We’re looking for Carl Yu. We cannot reach his phone number. This is about his debt. We’re sorry for contacting you pero hindi rin sumasagot ang wife ni Carl. We’re planning to visit their address if unresponsive pa rin.”

 

Nag panic ako bigla dahil sa sinabing pupuntahan si Mama doon. “N-No need to do that.. I-I’ll tell my mother na tumawag kayo. I’ll have her call you. Busy lang siya.. Pero I’ll tell her about this. Please don’t go there..”

 

May slight panic na sa akin. For sure mas masstress si Mama kapag may mga pumunta pa doon sa condo para maningil. Oh my god…

 

I needed to remind myself to breathe.

 

Medyo matagal ang response nung babaeng kausap ko. Siguro kino-confirm niya kung ano ang dapat sabihin. Hindi ko na rin alam…

 

Sa wakas ay nagsalita na siya ulit, “Okay, sige. We’ll be waiting sa tawag niyo.” She dropped the call.

 

Tumawag kaagad ako kay Mama pagkatapos. She wasn’t responding kaya medyo mas nag alala ako.

 

I kept on calling her phone until finally, she answered it, “Rina? Ang dami mong missed calls. Nasa office ako. Anong nangyari? Did something happen?” Nakahinga ako nang maluwag.

 

“Ma. May tumawag sa akin." Nakaupo pa rin ako sa bench, hindi ko pa yata kayang tumayo, "It's about Papa's debt. Did they call you too? Bakit tumatawag?"

 

Rinig ko ang malakas na buntong hininga ni Mama, "Oo, nangungulit. I can't believe nilagay ka rin ng Papa mo as contact." What the hell is wrong with him... Talaga bang balak niyang idamay kami dito kapag hindi niya nabayaran?

 

"Nangako si Carl na magbabayad this month. That's why they're calling." Kaya naman pala... "I'll talk to them again, don't worry. I'll negotiate.. Sasabihin kong magbabayad ako paunti-unti."

 

"Ma.."

 

"Rina, it's fine. You worry too much."

 

Medyo nainis ako sa sinabi niya, "Of course I'd worry. Hindi tayo magkasama. And we don't have enough money to pay. Pano pag i-harrass tayo ng mga yon?!" Tumaas ang boses ko, "S-Sorry, Ma. Hindi ko sinasadyang sumigaw."

 

I swallowed the lump that was forming in my throat.

 

"That's not gonna happen. Nandito naman minsan sina Tita mo and her husband, tinutulungan ako." They could only do so much. Kailangan ko na talagang matanggap dun sa part time.

 

"I'll help, Ma. Hindi pa ako tinatawagan ulit nung client pero I'll try mag apply din sa iba." Reluctant pa ako nung una na magsabi sa kanya dahil puro pag-refuse ang ginagawa ni Mama, telling me na mag-focus lang ako sa acads.

 

Pero paano ako makakapag focus sa acads kung ganito?

 

"Just.. wag mong papabayaan yung pag-aaral mo, okay?"

 

Tumango ako nang wala sa loob, "Yeah.." I checked the time, "I have a class pa, Ma. Sige na po. Text me ha. Every once in a while, magtext ka."

 

"I will. Ikaw rin, anak."

 

 

And it was just the beginning.

 

I found myself going back to my problems. Palagi kong naiiisip. Palagi akong nagaalala kay Mama sa Manila. Palagi ko rin naririnig yung boses nung babaeng tumawag sa akin. And it was all making me angry.

 

And came to the point na hindi na gumagana yung pangungumbinsi ko sa sarili ko na magiging okay ang lahat. Even Winter's and Yunjin's comforting words, minsan hindi na gumagana.

 

I'm desperate na alisin ang lahat ng nangyayari sa isip ko.

 

Or kahit distractions lang, okay na sa akin.

 

I never experienced anything like this before, kaya nahihirapan ako. Hindi ko alam saan ko ilalagay ang sabay sabay na problema at worries ko.

 

It was too much.

 

"Where's Winter? Sarap ng higa mo diyan sa sofa ha. Feel at home ka diyan?" Umikot ang mata ni Yunjin when I didn't respond, "Umisod ka. Tabi tayo."

 

I moved over para makaupo siya. She looked at me, waiting for me to talk. So I did, "I'm spiraling."

 

"Tell me something I don't know." Natawa ako sa sagot niya. She did too, "I'm kidding. What does Winter think about it?"

 

With the mention of her name, I felt like tearing up. "She's struggling too. Even though hindi niya pinapahalata. I know it's hard for her being with me right now."

 

"Don't say it like that." She hit my arm, "Mahirap sa kanya na makita kang namomroblema, of course. Pero don't think na mahirap para sa kanya yung magstay."

 

"You're right." I sighed, "She's so good, Yun. She's just always there for me, saying all the right words. She makes everything bearable, alam mo yun? Kahit pinapaalis niya ako lagi sa SSDC." I chuckled, kahit mangiyak ngiyak na.

 

"Well, tama naman siya. You should leave. It might affect your studies. Look at you, mukha ka nang aswang. Natutulog ka pa ba?" Parehong pareho talaga sila ni Winter.

 

I felt the need to be defensive, "It takes my mind off things, Yunjin. You know that. And Winter knows that."

 

"It does take your mind off things. Pero may nababago ba?" She blurted.

 

Hindi ako sumagot. Instead, I stood up. "Karina, wag mong masamain. I'm not trying to argue with you."

 

"It's the only thing that makes me feel.. I don't know—normal?—these days. I forget my worries during trainings. It makes me sane." This may sound like I'm overly exaggerating, pero yun ang nararamdaman ko.

 

Yung pagsasayaw yung isang bagay na nakakapagbigay sa akin ng sense of normalcy. And the people na nakakasama ko doon, they don't know about my problems.

 

It's like an escape from everything.

 

"And that's fine.. It's just.." She looked at me sadly, "If it comes biting you back in the , don't say we didn't warn you." Lumapit siya sa akin at niyakap ako, "I don't want to fight with you. But minsan, makinig ka kay Winter, okay?"

 

Tumango na lang ako. Ayoko nang pag-usapan pa.

 

"I have to go na."

 

She pulled away, "San ka? I thought wala kang class?"

 

I got my tote bag from the sofa, "May traning sa SSDC." I carefully said. Parang may sasabihin agad siya when I cut her off immediately, "Wag ka nang mag remark diyan. I get it, okay? Bye!" I exited their house at hindi na inantay ang litanya nanaman niya.

 

Winter ❤: Help kitang magreview mamaya. Punta ako apartment ha. Class pa ako sorry di tayo sabay mag lunch. Love you!

 

Me: It's okay, babe. Love you. Good luck with acads

 

I saw another message from Rufino's student assistant.

 

Sir Rufino SA: Good afternoon, class. Re