Winter.

 

I’ve been trying to move on from her for the past five months. The truth is, nakaka-move forward naman kahit papaano, but moving backwards din most of the time.

 

No matter how hard I try, it always comes back to her.

 

I'm aware that she’s someone who I know is going to take me a while to move on from that easily, that’s why our time away from each other helped a lot. Hyewon’s presence did too. Even yung support ni Yeji.

 

I was hoping that the talk we had in Baguio—the closure—was going to be the end and eventually ay malilimutan ko rin siya. Kasi ganon naman ‘yun diba? Sooner or later, mawawala rin.

 

I knew it would take time pero bakit ganito…

 

Bakit kahit anong gawin ko para makalimutan yung nararamdaman ko para sa kanya, it’s just not happening?

 

I always find myself looking at our photos together, reminiscing our moments na magkasama o kaya naman ay pumunta sa café katapat ng silogan ng mama niya so just I could get a glimpse of her paminsan-minsan.

 

It’s pathetic, really. But it makes me happy—seeing her.

 

Hindi siya nagbabago. She's still this simple-looking girl but she's the prettiest in my eyes. Walang iba, siya lang.

 

I would always wonder kung nasaan si Minju dahil tuwing sisilay ako kay Winter sa store nila, hindi ko nakikita yung isa. I thought that maybe busy lang and they see each other kapag morning or sa classes, or maybe lunch dates.

 

Inassume ko kasi na after Baguio, they'd be together by then. If hindi man, mas nagkakamabutihan.

 

Minju.

 

I remember nung nasa Baguio kami and I asked her kung pwedeng makausap si Winter that night. It felt wrong that I felt the need to ask her, but at the same time, I wanted to respect whatever they had.

 

Napansin ko rin kasi yung pointed look niya sa akin that night when I basically admitted that I kissed someone in high school. I felt like may alam siya about my feelings for my best friend, I just didn't know kung hanggang saang extent.

 

 

Why are we even watching this movie?

 

Parang nananadya dahil sobrang relatable nito sa nangyari sa amin ni Winter. I glanced at her and I wish I didn't. She has her arms around Minju and their faces are so close to each other. Halos magkapalit na sila ng mukha.

 

I don't know kung naluluha ba ako dahil sa movie or dahil nakikita ko siya na masaya sa iba. Maybe a little bit of both, or maybe ayoko lang aminin sa sarili ko that it's the latter.

 

“Are you okay?” I heard Yeji ask beside me, “You're crying a lot.” She chuckled, pero nung tinignan ko siya, umiiyak din naman si gaga.

 

“Bwiset ‘tong movie,” I whispered, “This is like.. a trip down memory lane. Nakakainis.” I sadly laughed. She held my hand and I held her back. I'm so glad I have Yeji.

 

“Sinabi mo pa.” She answered at pareho kaming ngumiti sa isa't isa. I know she has it hard as well especially ngayon na kasama rin namin sa trip si Ryujin and Lia.

 

I excused myself after ng movie para pumunta sa CR. Medyo malala yata yung iyak ko so I had to freshen up a bit.

 

Naabutan ko si Ning sa common bathroom near the kitchen. Nagkatinginan kami at malamang sa malamang, she can tell na galing ako sa iyak. She knows a lot.

 

She just smiled at me, yung parang may kaunting pity, “You're making it hard para sa sarili mo, Karina.” Sabi niya bigla.

 

“What?”

 

She squeezed my arm, “Sabihin mo na kasi. Like I said kagabi, maybe it's not too late. Or kung late naman na, at least sinabi mo.”

 

“Para hindi ka na nahihirapan. The truth will set you free, diba nga?” I don't exactly know how she knew, but I gave her a grateful smile. I feel like I needed to hear that right now for comfort.

 

Last night, she cornered me sa taas about this topic na rin. I was really reluctant with her suggestion. Pero baka nga may point siya, baka nga kailangan ko. Hindi lang for myself, but also for Winter.

 

She deserves to know the whole truth before siya mag-start ng relationship with other people.

 

“I'll.. think about it. Ayokong sirain yung progress niya, Ning. She looks really happy.” I said honestly. And it's true, I haven't seen Winter this carefree for a while. I have Minju to thank for that.

 

“Eh pano ka? Habambuhay mo dadalhin yan?” Umiling siya, “Habang maaga pa, Karina, come clean about your feelings. Do it for the both of you.” Umalis na siya at bumalik sa living area while I'm left here wondering about what she said.

 

I washed my face at tumingin sa salamin. I look horrible dahil sa pag-iyak. If hindi ko gagawin yung sinabi ni Ning, I'm sure marami pa yung ganitong moments na I'd look terrible for crying dahil sa regrets.

 

I went back sa friends namin and they've already started playing the drinking game 'Never Have I Ever'. Tina-try kong hindi tumingin sa direction ni Minju at Winter but I couldn't help myself.

 

Maya't-maya silang naglalandian at naghahalikan sa pisngi. Minju kept on sniffing Winter's neck and shoulders too.

 

I know I said I'm happy for her, but valid naman siguro kung aaminin ko sa sarili ko na naiinis ako, na nagseselos ako. Pero alam kong deserve ito ni Winter. She deserves someone like Minju who can love her well.

 

“Okay last one then we can all sleep. This is inspired sa scene sa Love, Rosie!” Giselle exclaimed, “Never have I ever kissed someone while I'm drunk and pretended it never happened.”

 

Oh.

 

.

 

I have to drink. I want to give Winter some indication about what happened before I talk to her. Bago ko ilahad sa kanya ang lahat.

 

So I subtly took a shot.

 

I don't even know if our friends noticed but I'm sure Winter did because our eyes met, and she looked like she wanted to ask a lot of questions right here, right now. She also seemed confused as ever. 

 

Giselle asked when it was—the kiss. I answered quickly, “Back in high school.” I turned my glance away from Winter who was looking at me with so much curiosity.

 

I know right then and there that she figured it out. That she was the one I was talking about sa sinabi ni Giselle.

 

That’s why the next day, I texted her to meet me at Beanstalk. Ito na ‘yun, sasabihin ko na. And whatever her reaction might be, tatanggapin ko nang buong-buo.

 

At this point, I only blame myself for everything and how we’ve become. I blame myself for missing the chance and at the same time, I owe myself peace of mind. I also owe Winter the truth—the closure.

 

“Minju.” I called my orgmate, tinitignan niya yung isang artwork ni BenCab, “Can we go outside for a while? May sasabihin lang ako. It's kind of important.”

 

She only smiled and nodded sa akin, like she knew what I was about to tell her.

 

Minju is actually really nice. She’s one of the nicest people sa org kahit pa maraming nasasabi sa kanya yung iba. It's not really her fault if her parents are rich. I know her heart is pure and kind.

 

Kaya nga alam kong bagay talaga sila ni Winter.

 

“What is it, Kars?” She asked nang makalabas na kami. Our friends are still inside the museum roaming around.

 

I took a deep breath, “Can I talk to Winter later?” It’s only respectful na I ask her first. Kasi nga napansin ko na parang na-bother siya last night kahit hindi niya pinahalata kay Winter.

 

She didn’t look shocked sa aking tanong. Instead, ngumiti lang siya at nagsalita, “It’s up to her, of course. But if you’re asking for my permission, I don’t think I have the right to say no.”

 

She spoke again bago pa ako makasagot, “It’s about last night, isn’t it?” I knew it. Sabi ko na nga ba, napansin niya. I guess that just means she’s very intuitive when it comes to Winter.

 

I nodded in response, “Oo. Uhm, wala naman akong balak guluhin kayo, Minju. I just— I need to talk to her about some things.” I said with full honesty.

 

Ayoko naman na isipin niya na aagawin ko si Winter sa kanya or something. Kasi hindi. Kasi alam ko naman na she’s the one who Winter likes right now. Or love na ba? I don’t really know.

 

Basta ang alam ko, I’m at the losing end of it all.

 

I heard her soft laugh, “I know, Karina. I appreciate you coming to me para magpaalam even though you did not have to. I’m sure papayag si Winter when you ask her.”

 

She gave my shoulder a light squeeze at pumasok na ulit sa museum. Now I’m left here dreading sa magiging usapan namin ni Winter tonight. Kung pupunta siya, that is. If she doesn’t, then I’ll respect her decision.

 

I’m ready to move forward.

 

 

The talk we had that night was very liberating, to say the least. More than anything, I was proud of myself for being able to finally admit my feelings and voice out my thoughts. Masaya rin ako na nakapag-sorry ako sa kanya.

 

It gave me hope na finally, malilimutan ko na siya. And maybe try again with someone else sa future. Maybe—just maybe—I'll be able to love them as much as I love Winter.

 

Pero wala. Hindi nangyayari! I'm stuck with my feelings.

 

Hay.

 

My Winter.

 

How can I forget you?

 

I was so close to finally just cut her off my life para lang maka-move on ako but then the choco milk day happened. It was the day na nagkita at nag-usap ulit kami after months of radio silence.

 

And she was so pretty that day. And cute. And… ugh. I’m back to square one.

 

Or not. Kasi hindi naman ako umalis sa square one to begin with. I’ve always been in love with her at hindi nabawasan ‘yun for the past months that we were deprived with each other's presence.

 

But of course I had to act cool and chill kasi I did not want to make it weird. And besides, gusto ko pa rin naman talaga siyang mag-stay sa life ko even if it means continuously pining over her.

 

Wait, is that even healthy?

 

I realized that while closures are meant to give you peace of mind, hindi ibig sabihin nito ay mawawala yung feelings mo sa tao.

 

Exhibit A: My non-diminishing feelings for my former best friend.

 

Hays!

 

 

“Hoy teh, bakit naman parang atat na atat kang pumunta sa library? Excited much mag-aral?” Hyewon pointed out. Mukhang hinihingal na nga siya dahil ang bilis kong maglakad. Pataas ang daan papunta sa Main Library.

 

Yeji was just laughing beside me on my right side, “What else? Choco milk escapade nanaman nila ni Winter niya.”

 

I know she was just teasing but my heart skipped a beat nang sabihin niya yung 'Winter niya'.

 

Sana nga, diba?

 

But no, I will not take advantage of the fact na alam kong she bore feelings for me once upon a time. I just really like spending time with her kapag Mondays.

 

“Wag ka nga, Yeji. I just really love choco milk that much.” Pabebe kong sabi. I know they know it's bull, anyway.

 

Hyewon snorted, raising her brows at me, “You love choco milk or you love Winter?” Namula ako kaagad. “Teh nagbu-blush ka! Kadiri, Karina. You got it bad.” Both of them laughed sa akin. Nakakainis!

 

I chose not to answer at nagpatuloy na lang maglakad papunta sa library.

 

Hindi ko man maamin out loud, but alam ko sa sarili ko na kaya naman talaga ako excited is because of our choco milk thing ni Winter. Pang-apat na yata namin today, and I just have an inkling na papayag ulit siya.

 

I smiled at the thought.

 

I really like spending time with her and talking about anything lang. Ni hindi nga namin napag-uusapan yung nangyari sa Baguio but that's totally okay.

 

“By the way, I thought her and Minju were dating? What happened?” Yeji curiously asked.

 

Hindi lang pala ako ang nag-assume na after Baguio, they were going to be official. Kahit si Yeji ay ayon ang inakala. Yung iba rin siguro.

 

“I don't exactly know what happened pero yeah, sabi ni Winter it did not work out nga raw..” I still think it's possible na baka ako yung may kasalanan but ayoko naman din mag-assume.

 

Baka nga hindi lang sila naging okay and maraming factors why they stopped dating.

 

“Then why not make a move? Wala naman siyang jowa. And diba nakwento mo sakin na nagkaron din siya ng feelings for you.” May pagka-intrigera din talaga itong si Hyewon. Sobrang invested sa love life ng iba.

 

I could only laugh, “It's not that easy. Nag-usap kami sa Baguio so we could have a closure. Ang weird naman kung bigla kong sasabihin na hindi pa ako nakaka-move on sa kanya.” Pero baka nga pwede naman...

 

Just the thought of it makes me nervous, “Besides, it looks like she's focusing on herself for now. Tsaka most likely, she's over her feelings for me.”

 

Medyo mabigat isipin na naka-get over na siya sa nararamdaman niya para sa akin but it is what it is. At least we're not totally strangers. Yun naman ang gusto ko lang.

 

Although I'm not gonna lie, nung nalaman kong hindi sila naging mag-girlfriend ni Minju, there was a spark of hope sa akin. But I quickly brushed it off.

 

“Still, you won't know if hindi mo ita-try.” Sabi ni Yeji, “History repeats itself, Kars. Baka mangyari nanaman na manghinayang ka for not trying.”

 

Hindi na lang ako sumagot, but what Yeji said lingered to me.

 

What if I try to gauge nga if Winter still feels something for me? Sige nga.

 

After about an hour dito sa library, she finally arrived.

 

“Ayan na inaantay mo teh.” Hyewon said, kaya napatingin kaagad ako sa likod, “Baka naman mabali ulo mo. Makalingon ‘to.” Natawa si Yeji sa sinabi nung isa pero she frowned right after.

 

Kasama ni Winter si Ryujin.

 

I was going to look at Yeji first pero napako na ang tingin ko kay Winter. As usual, she looks really pretty with her simple sleeveless black shirt and short shorts.

 

Tinawag ko siya para pumunta sila dito sa table.

 

“Teh baka matunaw.” Hyewon is such a pain in the . Dapat iniwan ko na ito sa Cagayan!

 

I shushed her at mahinang nagsalita, “Itigil mo nga kaka-asar mo at mag-aral ka diyan.” Tumawa lang siya nang irapan ko. Yeji was quiet habang papalapit sa amin yung dalawa.

 

When I noticed na wala na sa amin ni Winter yung pansin nila, I quickly whispered in her ear, sinadya ko talagang mas lumapit para maamoy niya yung pabango ko, “Choco milk tayo later?”

 

I don't usually put perfume kapag sa library lang naman ang punta pero ayoko naman mag-amoy mabaho for Winter...

 

Bigla siyang humarap sa direction ko and I swear, para akong mahihimatay sa aming close proximity. Her lips are so inviting...

 

.

 

Ano ba, Karina! Umayos ka nga.

 

Lumayo si Winter kaagad dahil nagulat siguro sa biglang close distance namin. I didn't really think much into it, baka caught off guard lang talaga siya.

 

Pumayag siya na mag choco milk ulit kami later. Yes!

 

Nag-happy dance ako, but only in my mind. I don't wanna make it weird at magpaka-obvious na tuwang-tuwa ako dahil lang she agreed on going with me again.

 

Natahimik siya and I noticed na she was about to start studying pero parang gusto ko pa kasi siyang makausap at marinig ang boses niya...

 

Ang lala!

 

So I tried to make a small talk, “How was your exams last week pala?” Jusko, wala na akong ibang matanong pati ba naman yung about sa exams niya dinamay ko na.

 

She answered, okay naman daw. Pero bakit parang tumitig siya sa mukha ko? A-ano to? Why is she looking at me like this?

 

Nagpa-panic na ako!

 

Then she reached out sa aking face, akala ko pa she was going to caress my cheek, ‘yun pala may pilik mata lang. Hindi ko alam kung makakahinga ako nang maluwag o madi-disappoint.

 

“Wish ka.”

 

I immediately did what she said. Pumikit at nag-wish ako.

 

'I hope Winter is always happy'

 

'But I also wish na sana ako ang maging cause ng happiness niya'

 

'Sana ako pa rin'

 

I opened my eyes, hinipan ko yung fallen eyelash from her index finger, then I smiled sweetly at her. Grabeng pagpapa cute itong ginagawa ko.

 

“Ano yan mga teh? Share niyo naman.” Syempre kailangan umepal ni Hyewon sa moment. Ugh, one of these days I'm gonna kick her.

 

Parang biglang natulala si Winter and when she got back to reality, bigla niyang inisod ang chair niya para lumayo sa akin. There was a pang in my chest. May sinabi ba akong hindi maganda?

 

I asked kung masyado ba akong malapit and sabi niya ay masikip lang daw kasi. Okay..? I don't think ‘yun yung reason but I didn't ask anymore. Hindi ko na lang siya kinausap ulit. Baka kasi I'm making her uncomfortable na.

 

I got the chance na tanungin siya about Minju when we went to the comfort room. They seemed odd kasi kanina when Minju arrived sa library, parang sobrang awkward nila.

 

“What's the deal sa inyo ni Minju? You guys seem odd.” I asked habang nasa loob ng cubicle. We're the only two here kaya it doesn't matter kung malakas ang boses ko.

 

Narinig ko yung pagtigil ng tubig galing sa faucet. It took her a while para makasagot but she did anyway, “Nireject niya ako nung January. Ayun.. It went downhill pagkatapos.”

 

What..?

 

I thought it was amicable, na parang both silang nag-decide na i-stop na lang yung nangyayari? Hindi ko alam na ni-reject pala siya nung isa.

 

Did she beg? Was she hurt? Nagalit ba siya? Anong nangyari? Suddenly, parang gusto kong maging sobrang protective kay Winter.

 

Why would Minju reject her?! Baliw ba siya?!

 

“Uhm, it seemed like you really liked her a lot.” I said, kasi ‘yun naman talaga ang tingin ko. I saw how comfortable she was kay Minju. How she'd let the girl kiss her all over the face, her shoulders...

 

Hay.

 

“Oo, gusto ko talaga siya.” She confirmed. Alam ko naman na gusto nga niya, she said so before nung nag-takoyaki kami, pero masikip pa rin pala sa dibdib na marinig ito.

 

She asked me kung may gusto akong iba.

 

Gusto ko sanang tumawa at sabihin na Syempre wala! Kasi ikaw pa rin!, pero hindi ko naman para ipahiya ang sarili ko. Jusko.

 

Instead, I said, “You set the standards high, Win.” Ang tapang ko para sabihin yan, pero I just wanted her to know. Na hindi ako agad-agad magkakagusto sa iba.

 

Kasi iba siya.

 

I noticed that when we got back sa table namin, busy si Winter sa phone niya. It seemed like may kausap siya sa chat.

 

“Done ka na mag-review? We can go na. Aalis na rin si Hyewon and Yeji.”

 

I'm excited na na makasama ko siya. Sobrang giddy ko. I'm planning pa na yung one liter na choco milk ang bilhin ko para naman matagal-tagal kaming tumambay sa F Park.

 

“Uhm.. Hindi pala ako pwede. Ano kasi, mag uusap kami ni Minju.”

 

My heart sank.

 

Yung feeling na I felt physical pain sa chest ko. Ang dramatic ko naman yata, pero ‘yun kasi yung na-feel ko when she said na hindi siya pwede.

 

Tapos ang reason pa is si Minju.

 

Mag uusap sila... Makikipag-ayos kaya si Minju? Will she try to get Winter back? Papayag kaya si Winter? Magiging sila kaya ulit?

 

Inalis ko muna ang thoughts ko at ngumiti, “Okay. Maybe next time.” Nag-suggest pa siya na kapag maagang matapos, we can still go. Nakita niya ba yung disappointment sa akin?

 

Does she feel pity?

 

Ayoko ng ganon. Ayoko na ng tira-tira. Ayoko na ng crumbs.

 

I told her it's okay at umalis na rin kaagad.

 

 

I got distracted sa aking thoughts when my phone rang.

 

 Si Papa.

 

“Hello? Pa?”

 

“Anak. Kamusta? Baka hindi muna kami makauwi ni Mama mo ngayong bakasyon, marami pang ginagawa dito..” He sounds apologetic pero okay lang naman, alam kong marami silang stuff to deal with. In the end, para din naman sa akin yung pagwo-work hard nila sa Manila.

 

“Okay lang po. Uhm, kamusta na po ba kayo ni Mama?”

 

Lately kasi ay napapadalas ang away nila. Most of the time ay business matters, pati yung bago nilang business partner.

 

I don't know the full details dahil sinasabi naman nilang dalawa na I don't have to worry about anything at mag-aral lang ako nang mabuti dito.

 

“We're okay.” He simply answered, “May pera ka pa ba? I can send you money para dun sa sinabi mong Batangas trip. Mag-iingat kayo don, Karina. Sinasabi ko sayo.”

 

Natawa ako, minsan lang mag sungit si Papa. Siya yung softer sa kanilang dalawa ni Mama. “Opo. Marami naman po kami. And sige po, pengeng extra for the trip. Hehe..”

 

I heard his quiet laugh, “Okay, anak. Sige na. Nangamusta lang ako. Hindi pa umuuwi si Mama. I'll tell her miss mo na siya.”

 

“Sige po. Ingat po kayo diyan.”

 

He dropped the call.

 

I sat up sa aking bed, tamad na tamad akong kumilos ngayon. It's just the week after matapos ang sem, I'm still thinking kung magte-take ba ako ng mid-year classes.

 

Tumingin ako sa bedside table ko and I noticed na naiba yung placement nung photo namin ni Winter. The one that was taken nung nagkabati kami at pumunta siya sa sayaw ko.

 

Wait..

 

Oh my god.

 

Possible kaya na nakita niya itong photo when I asked her to come here sa apartment last week para ikuha ako ng pamalit?

 

If nakita man niya, she didn't really show any implications. Wala rin naman siyang nabanggit. Hay, I guess it doesn't really matter to her anymore.

 

God, the whole “tagos” fiasco.

 

Kasalanan lahat ‘yon ni Yeji and Hyewon.

 

 

Ang weird ng feeling ko today.

 

Parang napaka init ng ulo ko kanina pang umaga then ngayong hapon, naiiyak ako sa class dahil sa pinapanood namin for film showing. It's not even an emotional movie.

 

Weirded out na sa akin yung seatmate ko kasi ang lala ng luha ko sa isang scene.

 

Then I felt it...

 

Parang waterfalls bigla down there. !

 

Hindi ko pa man din dala yung pouch ko na may first aid and napkins. Hindi ko mapigilan yung buhos and I'm sure natatagusan na ako. Wala akong kilala dito sa class so I don't know kung kanino mag-ask ng help.

 

After matapos ng class, naiwan akong mag-isa sa room. Good thing walang kasunod na klase dito.

 

I called Hyewon first. She answered agad, “Heya! Miss mo ako agad? Kasama lang kita kaninang lunch!” Naririndi na kaagad ako sa boses niya. Baka dahil din sa regla ko.

 

“Teh, help naman. Natagusan ako. Punta ka sa apartment then bilhan mo ako ng modess!” I begged. Nafu-frustrate na ako and sobrang uncomfortable sa feeling.

 

Narinig ko pa yung hagikgik niya. What's so funny?
 

“May naisip ako teh!”

 

I sighed, “Ano nanaman? Can't you just do as I say? Alam kong wala ka nang class kaya don't try to lie.”

 

“Call Winter! Diba miss na miss mo na siya? Chance mo na ‘to. I'm sure she'll help you.” She can't be serious...

 

I dropped the call. Si Yeji na lang ang tatawagan ko. Matino tinong kausap ‘yun. It took a few rings bago niya sagutin, “Karina?”

 

“Yej! Can you help me? Wala talagang kwenta si Hyewon.” I explained to her my dilemma right now and I asked for immediate help. Kinwento ko rin yung stupid suggestion ni Hyewon.

 

She laughed, “Hmm.. I don't know, Kars. Hyewon's idea is pretty tempting don't you think? Tama naman siya.”

 

“Pati ba naman ikaw?! I hate you guys. I'll never forget this moment na hindi niyo ako tinulungan!” I said with exaggeration.

 

Well I guess wala na nga akong ibang choice but to contact Winter. I can contact Ning, kasi we talk sometimes, but that would be weird. I'm closer kay Winter.

 

Naiirita ako sa patuloy na pagpatak-patak ng regla down there!

 

May pumasok na prof bigla, akala ko walang class? She was looking at me weirdly kaya tumayo na ako. Hinarang ko na lang yung bag ko on my back para walang makapansin.

 

Pasimple rin akong kumuha ng tissue and alcohol para punasan yung chair just in case it got stained... Okay, ew. This is really disgusting. Nakakahiya sa susunod na uupo.

 

Thank God may malapit na CR dito sa CEM at walang tao sa loob. Pumasok ako sa pinakadulong cubicle and I fished my phone out of my pocket. I dialed Winter's number...

 

Nahihiya ako! What the heck.

 

“Hello?” Her voice.. I miss her already.

“Win..” I remembered bigla yung predicament ko ngayon.

 

“Ano ‘yun? Okay ka lang? Nasan ka?” She sounded worried. Normal ba na kiligin sa pag-aalala ng isang tao?

 

Karina, focus!

 

I explained to her what happened at mukhang genuinely willing to help naman siya which I'm thankful for. Okay rin naman palang mag-suggest si Hyewon minsan.

 

At least I'll be able to see Winter. And maybe ask her na mag dinner kami. In a friendly way, of course.

 

After kasi nung failed choco milk shenanigan namin nung Monday, wala na ulit akong balita sa kanya. Hindi ko rin alam how her talk with Minju went and I'm really very curious pero pinipigilan kong magtanong.

 

Wala naman na rin kami sa ganong level of friendship.

 

I'm starting to get worried dahil medyo matagal si Winter. Did something happen to her? Baka kung napano na siya. Masyado pa man din akong hypersensitive ngayong may period ako kaya ang OA ko rin mag-alala.

 

I called her and she answered. Papunta na raw siya. Thank God she's safe.

 

Justine: May quiz tayo. Where ka na?

 

Oh no.

 

Mukhang hindi na ako makaka-abot. I don’t even think I’ll make it to class… My emotions are getting the best of me kaya umiyak ako. What the hell..

 

Menstrual emotions.

 

It’s embarrassing na dinatnan ako ni Winter na umiiyak dito sa loob ng cubicle. She even wiped my tears. I swear, when she did that, para akong sasabog na hindi ko maintindihan.

 

“Labas na ako. Take your time.” I don’t know if it’s my sensitivity speaking, pero biglang natakot ako na baka iwan niya ako. Parang bata, I know.

 

“Diyan ka lang ha. Wag mo kong iwan.” I said with vulnerability.

 

I saw her breath hitch when I said that but she smiled nonetheless, “Dito lang ako.” And I felt comforted kaagad sa sinabi niya. I just always want her to be there.

 

Hindi ko nga alam kung paano ko kinaya yung months na hindi ko siya nakikita or nakakasama. I had this delusion na malilimutan ko siya because of our closure but obviously, hindi ko pa kaya.

 

I said my thanks sa kanya nang makalabas na ako sa cubicle. Good thing may dala akong paper bag ‘cause Winter didn’t bring one. Live na live siguro ang shorts at ko habang naglalakad siya along Raymundo.

 

She’s so silly minsan. And I love her all the same.

 

“Okay lang. What are friends for, diba?” She said, smiling.

 

Oh.

 

Right.

 

Friends.

 

Just another addition sa list ko as to why I shouldn’t push it anymore. Naka-move on na yata talaga siya. And she probably thinks ganon din ako.

 

I’m a great actress.

 

We had dinner sa Big Belly’s which I was really happy about dahil kahit papaano ay hindi lang kami through choco milk nagiging magkasama.

 

Dumerecho kami sa store ni Tita. It’s been a long time since naka-visit ako. And of couse Minju is there. Along with.. wait, is that Yujin? Our orgmate Yujin? Yujin who used to talk about Minju?

 

Are they friends now? Hindi ko alam na close pala sila. That’s weird.

 

It looke like Winter isn’t happy about Yujin’s presence as well. I wonder what the drama is all about, and I’m willing to find out. Part of gauging Winter’s feelings na rin.

 

“I didn’t know you guys were friends.” I said, which Minju answered quickly about them being family friends. Mayaman nga pala ang parents nila both so hindi malabo na magkakilala ang family nilang dalawa. Both ay alumni din ng UPLB.

 

“Grabe ka naman Minju!” She put her arm around Minju, halatang naiinis na ito sa kanya, “Crush kasi ako nito. Kaya pinapatino niya ako.” Sweet pa na pinisil niya ang cheek nung isa.

 

I immediately looked at Winter para makita ang reaction niya sa nangyayari. Tama nga ako, para bang she’s fuming pero pinipigilan lang ang inis.

 

My best friend was looking at Minju who was already looking at her. Parang nagso-sorry sa inaakto nung kasama, “She’s joking.”

 

I tried to press even more, “Bagay naman kayo eh.” Sabi ko pa. Alam kong panggagatong ang ginagawa ko but I’m just really curious as to why Winter is reacting the way she does right now.

 

Akala ko ba wala na yung sa kanila ni Minju? She said so before, ayaw na raw niyang ibalik. But why does her reactions say otherwise?

 

“Oo nga.” Winter said, tumatawa siya but nahalata ko yung bitterness sa kanyang tone. That’s when I pretty much confirmed na she’s probably not over Minju.

 

Hay.

 

Gusto kong tanungin what about me? Meron pa bang natitira kahit papaano? Or wala na talaga?

 

Humiwalay na kami dun sa dalawa and I noticed yung pagiging tensed at tahimik ni Winter sa tabi ko habang naglalakad kami. It’s obvious na yung kay Minju at Yujin ang dahilan.

 

“Did it bother you?” I still asked kahit alam ko naman na it did bother her to no end.

 

“Yung alin?” She’s stalling. Alam naman niya kung ano ang ibig kong sabihin.

 

I answered her question anyway, “Yung possibility na they’re dating. Parang annoyed ka kay Yujin. Although she can really by annoying.”

 

Kahit naman sa org ay maraming naririndi kay Yujin dahil may pagka-annoying nga ito. However, I think Winter is more annoyed sa fact na parang may namamagitan kay Minju at sa isa ko pang orgmate.

 

She answered, hindi naman daw siya bothered at worried lang kay Minju. I highly doubt ‘yun lang yung reason, so I pried even more. Sasagarin ko na.

 

Tsaka hindi naman niya siguro mamasamain. Hindi ba ganito naman mag usap ang friends about a potential love life? Somehow, gusto ko lang din mag act normal around her all while finding out what she really feels.

 

“You seem really protective of her.” Parang dati lang, siya yung ganito sa akin. Siya yung sobrang protective.

 

“Friend ko siya. I care about her kahit hindi maganda yung nangyari samin.” Medyo caught off guard ako sa tono ng sagot niya dahil she seems really defensive.

 

I laughed humorlessly, “Friend lang ba talaga?” I feel like hindi kasi siya nagpapaka-totoo. Bakit ba hindi niya na lang sabihin na it indeed bothered her?

 

Wait… Parang ako na yung nabibitter bigla. these feelings, honestly. I know I wouldn’t feel this way kung platonic lang ang tingin ko sa kanya.

 

Nakita ko ang pagkunot ng noo niya, ganito siya kapag naiinis na. .

 

“Anong gusto mong iparating?” Her tone can really be scary sometimes. And minsan lang niya ako pagtarayan. This moment is probably one of those moments.

 

“I don’t know. Baka kaya ka inis kay Yujin kasi you still like Minju.” I said with a hint ng teasing. But at the same time, I also really just want to know kung gusto niya pa rin si Minju.

 

Please say no.

 

Please say no.

 

Please say no.

 

“Oh eh ano naman kung gusto ko pa rin siya?”

 

Silence.

 

Well, that confirmed it. Naramdaman ko nanaman yung kirot sa puso ko…

 

Gusto pa rin pala niya talaga si Minju. I guess I have to back off na and just let her deal with her feelings dun sa isa. Sort of may unfinished business din yata sila.

 

Ang swerte naman ni Minju, ni-reject niya si Winter pero mukhang bibigyan pa rin siya ng chance nito. Pero nung ako…

 

Hay, ayoko na lang isipin. Iba-iba naman siguro. Depende sa tao. And baka mas deserving si Minju sa rare second chance from Winter.

 

I’m afraid I’m still at the losing end.

 

 

 

—

 

 

 

It’s been a week since I last saw Winter. Yun pa yung sinungitan niya ako, saying na gusto pa rin niya si Minju. She didn’t contact me after that night. Nag-sorry lang and nagsabi na sasama siya sa Batangas trip.

 

Well, hindi naman kasi kami talaga nagkaka-text or usap unless nasa library kami at nagcho-choco milk so it’s really no surprise na I haven’t heard directly from her.

 

Si Ning ang nagsisilbing taga balita ko about kay Winter. Katulad ngayon, ka-text ko siya kanina pa.

 

Ning: Ano na teh

 

Me: What?

 

Ning: Laging magkausap si Win at Minju. Balita ko nagkikita rin madalas. Mukhang nanunuyo yung isa

 

Me: Then wala akong magagawa, Ning. Obvious naman na gusto pa rin niya si Minju.

 

Ning: Ayan ka nanaman sa pagpaparaya teh. Pagsisisihan mo ulit na di ka nanaman nagsabi.

 

Me: I’m scared.

 

Ning: Yayain mong mag choco milk. Bilang ‘yun ang common ground niyo.

 

Me: What if she refuses

 

Ning: What if i-try mo muna malay naman natin diba. Baklang to, napak