I wish it was all just a big bad dream.

 

I really do.

 

Then maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t feel this hatred towards the person I least expected na makakapagparamdam sa akin ng ganitong pain and agony.

 

Hate is a strong word.

 

That much I am aware of.

 

It’s probably the anger in me that’s talking, but I could not care less about the implications if I say I hate Winter right now.

 

Just like she couldn’t care less about the consequences when she uttered those gut-wrenching words straight to my face.

 

Maybe we’re not meant to be anything.

 

Not lovers.

 

Not friends.

 

Kahit gaano ko subukan na alisin sa utak ko yung boses niya habang sinasabi ito sa akin, hindi ko magawa. Her words just kept replaying and replaying.

 

And it doesn’t hurt any less no matter how many times I hear them in my head.

 

Had she rejected me in a cordial way, okay lang naman. Kung si Minju talaga ang gusto niya, okay lang din.

 

It would have hurt nevertheless, but it wouldn’t have hurt like this. Like I’m being stabbed countless of times. Like I’m seconds away from drowning.

 

It’s easier with her.

 

I feel safer sa kanya, Karina.

 

She gives me comfort na hindi ko naramdaman sayo sa six years na minahal kita.

 

Consciously confirming for the first time that she, in fact, loved me for many years. But her confirming it that way was a big slap to my face.

 

May namumuong luha nanaman sa mga mata ko. I feel like throwing up every time I recall everything she said to me.

 

The fact that she didn’t feel any comfort sa haba ng pinagsamahan namin…

 

It could be a lie. But even so, she said it so confidently.

 

It could be a lie, but it could be the truth as well.

 

Hindi ko na alam. I feel like the Winter I encountered that night isn’t the same Winter that I grew up with throughout the years.

 

Which made me wonder: wala nga ba talaga akong ginawa to make her feel safe and comforted before? I must have been a really bad best friend to her then.

 

“Karina, tama na muna yan.” Kinuha niya yung beer bottle na hawak ko. Hyewon's voice is laced with worry, “It won’t solve your problems.”

 

I scoffed, “Yeah pero at least makakalimutan ko yung mga pinagsasabi niya sa akin kahit saglit.” Bitter akong tumawa, “It’s been weeks but I’m still stuck sa gabing yon.” I choked up on my words, "Ang hirap, Hyewon."  

 

Pumunta si Yeji sa tabi ko, hugging me sideways. She even put her head on my shoulder for comfort, “You didn’t deserve everything she said sayo, Karina. I hope you know that.”

 

Hyewon agreed sa kanya, “Oo nga.. It’s more of a reflection of who she is rather than of who you are as a person.”

 

I smiled weakly at them, “I hate that I still feel like it’s all my fault, alam niyo yun? Because I was too late of loving her. So she ended up being like that and feeling those bad things because of me.”

 

Inangat bigla ni Yeji ang kanyang ulo from my shoulder, hitting me straight sa aking braso, “Don’t say that. Ano ka ba. It’s not entirely your fault, Kars. I'm sorry she made you feel that way.”

 

Parang umuusok bigla ang ilong niya, “It’s not like umamin siya sayo dati, diba?! Nakakainis yan si Winter for making you feel na kasalanan mo lahat on why she ended up like she did. That's like, so not okay!”

 

I haven’t seen Yeji this riled up. Kahit si Hyewon, sobrang vocal sa inis niya kay Winter. I told them everything. Because I needed to tell someone, otherwise, I’d burst all over the place.

 

Normally, ipagtatanggol ko siya from the unkind words. But not today, no. And maybe, not anymore. Kasi sabi niya hindi naman na raw kami friends, right?

 

We’re nothing.

 

I’m tearing up at this point. Wala na akong pakialam if we’re at a bar. There’s not much people anyway because wala pang classes and we’re in the middle of a school break.

 

“Sasabunutan ko talaga yon kapag nakasalubong ko!” Hyewon exclaimed, “Eh di magsama sila ni Minju!”

 

Gusto ko siya…

 

Pumayag ako na mag-try ulit kami.

 

Binottoms up ko yung beer na iniinom ko, trying to block her voice from my head. Yeji tried to stop me pero wala na rin nagawa at hinayaan na lang ako. This is the only comfort I have lately bukod sa kanilang dalawa.

 

Even my parents…

 

I don’t know kung anong nangyayari sa kanila lately. They haven’t told me much, just always changing the topic kapag nagtatanong ako. But I feel like something is wrong. Kilala ko sila, especially my Mom.

 

“I don’t wanna see her. I don’t want to have classes with her. Ayoko rin yung thought na makakasalubong ko siya sa campus.” Galit kong sabi, "I just.. want to pretend that we never knew each other. Since yun naman ang gusto niya."

 

And it’s true. Yun ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. That I don’t want to see her face just yet dahil it will just remind me of the hurtful words she said to me.

 

“We can check yung sched niya sa pasukan.. She posted her sched last sem sa IG story, she might do it again.” Yeji suggested, “Para maiwasan mo yung sections that she’s in.”

 

That’s probably petty at masyadong OA. Pero it’s essential for me to do if I’m really adamant on avoiding her, “Thanks guys..”

 

Namumula na ang mukha ko and I feel my eyes drooping dahil kanina pa kami nandito, “You can go home na, guys. Kaya ko naman umuwi later. Don’t worry about me.”

 

Baka kasi masyado ko nang nate-take ang time nilang dalawa dahil sa drama ko. I don’t want them to feel obliged in taking care of me just because I got my heart broken. I know they don't mind pero kahit na.

 

“No. Ihahatid ka namin.” Hyewon said pointedly, “And please naman teh, last mo na muna to kahit this week lang. Unless gusto mong masiraan ng atay. Isusumbong na kita kay Tita!”

 

I laughed softly, “It’s not like nagpapakalango ako. I just want to go out dahil kapag nasa bahay lang ako, I always just end up thinking about her.”

 

They looked at me with sympathy. Or maybe pity? I don’t know. But I can’t really blame them, dahil kahit ako ay naaawa na sa sarili ko lately.

 

I’ll get better, though, right?

 

Sooner or later, magiging okay rin.

 

“Kahit na. Magpahinga ka muna. Unless you wanna have a beer belly.” Yeji said.

 

I couldn’t argue anymore kaya nag-agree na lang ako sa kanila, “Fine. Pahinga muna ako tomorrow.” They both lifted their eyebrows at me, “What? Oo nga. Promise.”

 

They look convinced. That’s enough for me.

 

The next night came.

 

I lied.

 

I went to Iris bar again, but this time, I’m alone. Not to really drink too much, but just to have some buzz in my system.

 

I tried na mag-stay lang sa bahay kanina. I even invited Hyewon to watch some movies. But my thoughts always come back to her. It doesn’t help na some of my things sa kwarto ko ay may memory niya.

 

I just want to forget.

 

Gusto ko siyang malimutan.

 

Gusto kong malimutan yung lahat ng sinabi niya. Gusto kong malimutan yung fact that she and Minju are probably having their happily ever after somewhere while I’m in limbo.

 

“Jisung, let go of me!” The loud whisper got my attention. There’s a girl and a guy near me.

 

There aren’t a lot of people ngayon dito. In fact, it’s just me and yung dalawang couple sa may far right ko. That’s why I heard the frustrated tone nung babae.

 

“Jin, it was a mistake. It’s been months, bakit ang hirap mo pa rin suyuin? Come on. I’m not gonna do it again.” Hindi ko gusto yung pananalita nung guy dun sa babae. He sounds authoritative somehow.

 

The girl noticed me, subtly asking for help. I know a call of help when I see one. I immediately looked dun sa kamay nung guy sa may wrist niya. Ayaw siyang bitawan nung lalake.

 

I feel like I have to intrude.

 

Tumayo ako from my seat at lumapit sa kanila, getting the attention of the both of them especially the guy. Nakatingin lang siya sa akin, probably wondering who the hell I am.

 

Tinignan ko yung girl at nginitian, like we’ve known each other since forever, “Hey, oo. Kanina pa kita inaantay. Is this jerk still bothering you?”

 

I don’t know what came over me at tinawag ko siyang oo.

 

Maybe because I watched the movie “Baby’s Day Out” with Hyewon this morning at napako sa utak ko yung paulit ulit na sinasabi nung baby na “boo-boo” kaya ito yung ginamit kong term of endearment.

 

Sobrang cringy now that I think about it.

 

“oo? Yunjin, who’s this?” Binitawan na niya yung Yunjin. I’m now holding her protectively, trying to intimidate the guy. Mas humigpit ang hawak nung babae at the small of my back.

 

“I’m her.. girlfriend. Get the out. Kung ayaw mong tumawag ako ng authorities for trying to harass her.” I said with confidence kahit I’ve never been in this situation.

 

We kind of had a stare off and eventually ay umiling na siya at umalis but not without saying na mag-uusap pa raw sila ni Yunjin soon.

 

Narinig ko yung paghinga nang maluwag nung girl at binitawan ko na siya when the guy finally left, “Uhm, have a seat muna..” Dinala ko siya sa table ko.

 

“Are you okay?” I worriedly asked.

 

Tumango lang siya, although she still looks shaken, “Yeah, I’m okay. Wow, thanks for that.. Honestly, hindi ko alam na he followed me here. What a creep.”

 

She properly looked at me, “What’s your name? I’m Yunjin pala.. Thank you ulit. That meant a lot. If it weren’t for you, buong gabi nanaman niya akong puputaktihin.” Natawa ako sa pag-ikot ng mata niya.

 

Now that I can take a proper look at her, I noticed how pretty she is. She’s actually very gorgeously intimidating.

 

I gave her a smile at inabot ang kamay ko sa kanya for her to shake, “I’m Karina.”

 

She shook my hand, “I’m Yunjin. Sorry we met each other at such state. And you had to pretend to be someone’s girlfriend.” She sounds apologetic, "But I'm not gonna lie, that was cool."

 

I chuckled, “It’s okay..” Mukhang kailangan niya ng drink so I opened the cap of the remaining beer that I have at ibinigay ito sa kanya, “Here.. you look like you need one.”

 

Hindi siya nag-hesitate na kuhanin ito, “I do. Thanks again ha. Wow, you’re like.. my knight in shining armor tonight.” She laughed. Para bang matagal na kaming friends. She's also kinda loud na parang si Yujin.

 

There’s no awkwardness at all sa amin despite what happened—me pretending to be her girlfriend.

 

“It’s no problem. Para kasing uncomfortable ka kanina. And I don’t like seeing people—especially women—get uncomfortable sa presence ng men.” I said after taking a chug ng beer.

 

We kept on chatting as we drink. Just random things you ask to a stranger you just met. But mostly about her ang topic namin. Turns out she’s also a Com Arts student na nag-transfer last year. Kaya pala hindi ko siya nakikita sa campus before.

 

“I came home from the US for good. My family decided kasi to go back because, well, Philippines is home.” She looked at me, “How about you? I feel like ang ingay ko. Ikaw naman ang magkwento.”

 

“What about me? I told you, Com Arts din ako.” I replied pero mapang asar na nakangiti, as if that’s all the information I have to offer.

 

She pushed me lightly, “Yeah and that’s it!” Tumawa siya kaya nahawa na rin ako, “Tell me why you’re here, I guess. And you’re alone too, so.. What's the chika?”

 

I shrugged in response, “Maybe the same reason as why you also came here alone. Apart from the fact na sinundan ka ng… ex mo?”

 

Tumango siya, confirming my assumption, “He is my ex. A cheater one, if I may add.” I suddenly felt bad for her and she immediately recognized my worried expression, “It’s all good now. I’m over him.”

 

“Kaso siya yata yung hindi pa over sayo.” Maintriga kong sagot.

 

She only chuckled at ngumiti, “Something like that. But he can choke, honestly. I’m never gonna get back with someone like him. Manigas siya.”

 

I have no idea kung ano ang feeling kapag nag-cheat sayo ang partner mo, but I’m sure it hurts big time. And it will leave a big scar sayo. 

 

“I’m sorry you experienced being cheated on.” Sincere kong sabi sa kanya. She’s still just a stranger to me, but I just feel like being there for her. She's someone I can ease on to easily. Ang gaan niyang kausap.

 

And her presence right now honestly makes me forget all about what happened in Batangas. And that’s a first.

 

“It’s fine, really. I’ve moved on..” She bumped my shoulder bigla, “So ano nga, why are you here? It's okay if you don't wanna tell me. I'm just curious, parang ang mysterious mo kasi.”

 

I took a deep breath and let out a hollow laugh, “Just trying to forget someone. As cliché as that sounds.” I took another chug.

 

I can feel the buzz already, starting to kick in. Kahit si Yunjin ay namumula na ang face sa pag-inom ng beer, “Do you even drink beer?” Tanong ko.

 

She shook her head, “No, not really. But tonight, I guess I wanted to try something new. And bonus pa, I met someone new din. Someone who’s very pretty.” Hindi ko alam kung nambobola siya or what.

 

I blushed sa kanyang sinabi. Being called pretty by another girl who’s drop dead gorgeous has an effect on me.

 

She didn’t ask about that “someone” I told her about anymore, surprisingly. Instead, we talked more about everything except the person I’m trying to forget. Except her ty ex as well.

 

I’m actually having fun. She seems nice and genuine at mukha namang hindi siya scammer or anything. Sa aming dalawa, ako pa nga yata yung mas mukhang scammer.

 

It’s nice having to talk to someone like her na walang alam about Winter.

 

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love talking and opening up with Hyewon and Yeji. Or even Yujin. But just talking to another person who doesn’t know the depressing history of me and my ex bestfriend…

 

It’s refreshing.

 

She doesn’t see me as someone who got heartbroken over the hurtful words of Winter. She sure as hell doesn’t see me as someone na nagmakaawa para bigyan ulit ng chance.

 

She just sees me as this girl who rescued her from her ex at mag-isang nag-iinom sa bar, being all red in the face dahil sa beer.

 

It’s a breath of fresh air.

 

It’s what I need.

 

“We should go home. I feel a bit tipsy but not too much naman.” She suggested. Nakakadalawang oras na rin kami dito na nagkekwentuhan about anything we could think of habang umiinom ng beer.

 

I got the bill and I told her ako na ang magbabayad but she refused, insisting on being the one na mag-pay dahil daw I kind of “rescued” her.

 

“There’s always a next time naman. I’ll rescue you then ikaw naman ang mag-pay?” She said teasingly.

 

Natawa ako, “Bakit mo naman ako irerescue? I don’t have a problematic ex like yours.” Pang-aasar ko pabalik.

 

She could only laugh. Even yung tawa niya sounds sosyal, “Maybe kapag yung someone mo naman yung nanggulo sayo. Deal?”

 

Natatawang pailing iling lang ako, “Fine.”

 

We got off our seats at lumabas na ng bar. She’s extra.. clingy. Maybe dahil she’s tipsy, but I think both of us are aware naman sa surroundings. We’re not wasted or anything remotely close to that.

 

“Saan ka uuwi?” I asked her pagdating namin sa may kanto ng LB Square.

 

Tumuro siya sa kaliwa, “Sa Demarces yung apartment ko. How about you?”

 

I pointed naman sa right, “Sa may Umali ako. So… until we meet again?” I smiled. Pero parang mali na ito na yung last interaction namin. We didn't even exchange numbers.

 

She looked reluctant na magpaalam sa akin but said bye anyway, “Alright. It was nice meeting you, Karina.” Nag-wave na siya sa akin at tumalikod na, walking towards Demarces.

 

I kind of have this gnawing feeling na iwan agad siya, so I called her, “Yunjin!” Sigaw ko.

 

She turned around na nakakunot ang noo, “Yeah? Did you forget something?”

 

I walked papalapit and hooked my arm sa kanya, “I’ll walk you home. Baka sundan ka nanaman ng ex mo. Mahirap na.” And it’s true. I’m genuinely worried na baka kung ano nanaman stunt ang gawin nung guy.

 

She smiled brightly, “Sure! Let’s go na!” Natawa na lang ako sa pagka excited niya. Which makes me think na baka she doesn’t have a lot of friends to lean on to dahil nga transferee lang siya.

 

It didn’t take long for us to reach her apartment. It’s an apartment complex exclusively for… rich people, I guess.

 

“She’s with me, Kuya.” She said dun sa guard na parang wala naman pake at mukhang antok na antok na.

 

I walked her sa kanyang room. I didn’t even notice na magkahawak na yung kamay namin, “There you go. Safe ka na.” I let go of her hand nung nasa tapat na kami ng kanyang door.

 

We both paused.

 

Nakatitig lang kami sa isa't isa. Sumisingkit yung mata niya dahil sa ininom and I'm sure ganon din ang itsura ko right now.

 

Her gaze went down my lips, and for some reason, I did the same.

 

“I feel like we can be very good friends. I like you.” She said quietly, not taking her eyes off my mouth. Hindi ko rin maalis yung tingin ko sa labi niya.

 

She’s very attractive.

 

What is happening?

 

Maybe it’s the little amount of alcohol they we consumed tonight that’s controlling us, because we both leaned in and kissed right then and there.

 

Sumunod lang ako sa halik niya, giving the same energy she’s giving. Her lips taste like strawberries. Baka ito yung flavor ng lip gloss niya.

 

We pulled away after the kiss and she grinned, mapungay ang mga mata, “You’re a good kisser. You must be good in bed too.” She bit her lip.

 

Is she insinuating something? Because if she is,  I think… I think papayag naman ako.

 

This probably isn’t the kind of distraction that I need right now, and it definitely is not the healthiest one, but I don’t really care.

 

Tonight, I just want to forget.

 

“You might wanna find out then..” I ran my hand up and down sa kanyang braso, magkalapit pa rin ang mukha namin sa isa’t isa. Na-feel ko yung goosebumps niya.

 

She bit her lip seductively again, “Hmm. This is gonna be a one-time thing, okay? I feel like we both need distractions right now and it’s fate that we found each other.”

 

“Yeah. One time.” I smiled. Just this once, I don’t wanna be reasonable.

 

We entered her room not letting go of each other’s lips.

 

Needless to say, it was a long and tiring night for the both of us. It was very satisfying too.

 

But I still dreamt about Winter.

 

I woke up to the smell of bacon.

 

Confused pa ako dahil hindi ko naman ito kwarto. Then I remembered what happened last night. Lord.

 

I slept with Yunjin.

 

Do I regret it? Probably not. It’s just . And it was consensual. Also.. pareho naman namin ginusto, I guess.

 

I should probably leave already…

 

Diba that’s how one night stands work? This is the first time I’ve done it pero based sa kwento ni Hyewon sa mga nakaka-hook up niya, ganon daw 'yon.

 

Bumukas bigla yung pinto ng kwarto, “Hey! Morning!” She sounds jolly, “Don’t even think of leaving just yet! Grabe ka, I refuse to think pang one night stand lang ako.”

 

“Uhh— Well, I assumed na baka gusto mo na akong umalis..” I covered my body with her white sheets.

 

Tumawa siya, yung rinig na rinig, she really is pretty loud. “Come on, let’s have breakfast. I put your clothes sa may tabi mo. Dress up and take a shower, I don’t know. But don’t leave.” She pointed at me.

 

Sinara niya na yung pinto and humiga ulit ako. I groaned, “Ugh, ang sakit ng ulo ko.” Sabi ko sa sarili.

 

I checked my phone after dressing up.

 

Hyewon: Hoy bruha nasan ka???

 

Yeji: Where are you? Hindi ka umuwi? Hoy!

 

Hyewon: Karina 'pag may nangyaring masama sayo ako mismo kukurot sa singit mo.

 

Hyewon: Sumagot ka?!!!

 

Yeji: Hello????

 

3 missed calls from Hyewon

 

6 missed calls from Yeji

 

2 missed calls from Mama

 

Napatakip na lang ulit ako ng unan sa mukha. Ang sakit talaga ng ulo ko. And I’m hungry too. But I replied to them para lang hindi na sila mag-alala.

 

I also called Mama to know why she was calling. Nangamusta lang naman but she sounded tired. Siguro their business in Manila is taking a toll on her.

 

“Karina! Let’s eat!” I heard Yunjin’s loud voice again, “Get up or I’m dragging you myself!”

 

“I’m coming!”

 

“That’s what you said last night!”

 

Oh my goodness. Natawa na lang ako, “What the hell did I get myself into.” I whispered sa aking sarili at finally ay bumangon na para mag-ayos ng sarili.

 

Lumabas ako ng kanyang room and I immediately saw her with an apron on sa kanyang mini kitchen.

 

Lumapit agad siya sa akin at hinila ako papaupo sa may kitchen counter, “You look like a zombie. Pero maganda ka pa rin naman. Let’s eat na.” She put a plate full of food sa harap ko.

 

Ang weird na parang walang nangyari last night. Shouldn’t hook-ups supposed to be awkward? Not this… homey.

 

But I’m not complaining dahil mukhang masarap yung bacon and omelet na niluto niya.

 

I started eating at ganon din siya. Maya-maya pa ay nagsalita siya ulit, “Mkay. First of all, we’re not doing that again. I mean, that was amazing but it’s not gonna happen again.”

 

Okay?

 

“I couldn’t agree more.” Tipid kong sagot, munching on my bread and bacon. Casual hook-ups aren't my thing anyway. It was a moment of weakness lang talaga last night. I'm glad we're on the same page.

 

She put down her utensils at tumitig lang sa akin habang nakangiti, “I actually want to be friends with you. Kaya bawal nang mangyari 'yun! Friends with benefits isn’t my thing.”

 

Tumango ako ulit, “Again, I couldn’t agree more. Me too.”

 

Hinampas niya yung table kaya nagulat ako, she even clapped once na parang bata, “Second of all!” Hanggang ilan kayang ‘of all’ ang sasabihin niya? I just wanna eat my breakfast.

 

“We’re besties now, okay?” I hummed in response, not really in the mood na mag-disagree sa kanya. Although she’s not annoying naman and I honestly wanna be friends with her too.

 

She spoke up again na mapanloko, “We’re besties who know what each other tastes like. Isn’t that cool?” Nag-wink siya sa akin. Nagkatinginan kami at parehong tumawa nang malakas.

 

“Whatever you want. Just stop talking and let me eat!” I exclaimed, grinning sa kanya at ganon din siya sa akin.

 

“Mkay oo.” Nasamid ako sa iniinom kong orange juice.

 

“You need to stop! I swear, Yunjin!”

 

“Alright, alright! Ang seryoso mo. Parang hindi kita pinasaya last night.” She snorted nang samaan ko siya ng tingin.

 

I threw a piece of bacon sa mukha niya.

 

 

 

—

 

 

 

It has been two months since Batangas happened and I’m finally starting to get better. I think?

 

Well, not really “better” pero I can say na kinakaya ko naman nang matulog sa gabi na hindi ko iniisip nang paulit ulit yung sinabi ni Winter sa akin.

 

I’m also starting to forget what she looks like dahil yung mga lugar na alam kong nandon siya—I avoid extremely. Hindi ko na nga magawang dumaan sa store ng Mama niya.

 

Even the people she reminds me of… iniiwasan ko na.

 

Ning: Karina, ang tagal mong di nagpaparamdam. Ano bang nangyari?

 

Ning: At least let me know kung okay ka lang. Hindi kita nakikita around LB

 

I don't feel good for suddenly just ghosting her. Naging friend ko na rin naman si Ning and I even helped her with her father’s meds. We also shared a fair amount of pep-talking.

 

But she's very close to Winter, kaya gusto ko rin siyang iwasan.

 

Nagreply ako. Just to let her know na buhay pa naman ako at humihinga.

 

Me: I’m okay, Ning. Don’t worry.

 

Seconds after I sent my message, naka-receive ako ng call galing kay Mama. Sinagot ko kaagad, not caring kung inaantok pa ako ngayong umaga.

 

“Hello? Ma?”

 

“Nagising ba kita, anak?” She doesn’t sound as tired as she was weeks ago.

 

“Hindi naman po.. Ma, kamusta na?”

 

Nag-aalala pa rin ako. A month ago, umuwi sila ni Papa dito sa Laguna, telling me na nagkakaron ng problema dun sa booming agency nila sa Manila.

 

Apparently, yung business partner na pinagkatiwalaan ni Papa ay itinakbo yung pera nila. Hindi natuloy yung expansion and they were forced to shut down for a while yung agency dahil naubos ang funds.

 

I cried that night along with my parents. They kept on saying sorry sa akin dahil iniistress daw nila ako.

 

But I told them na they shouldn’t worry about me. I can handle myself. Hindi ko na rin sinabi sa kanila yung problems ko about Winter kasi ayokong mas madagdagan pa yung iniisip nila.

 

“Okay naman, anak. Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Getting by kahit papano.”

 

I tried to smile. At least hindi na ganon kalala, “Buti naman po, Ma.. Do you want me to go there? Kakaumpisa pa lang naman ng sem.”

 

“There’s no need, anak. We’ll go home soon to visit, okay? Focus ka lang diyan.” She said, “Kamusta si Winter? May subjects ba kayo together?”

 

I paused.

 

“Uhm, Ma—“

 

“That reminded me, her Mama offered to help me financially, alam mo ba? Telling me na ibibbigay niya muna sa akin lahat ng kinikita niya.” She chuckled, “She’s so nice. Of course I refused. She’s working for that money for her daughters. But it was really touching.”

 

That brought tears to my eyes.

 

I sometimes forget how close her family is sa family ko. It’s gonna break them kapag nalaman nila na Winter and I are over, and the friendship that we built crumbled down.

 

“M-mabait naman po talaga si Tita..”

 

“Yes, anak. No wonder mabait din si Winter.”

 

I’m not so sure about that anymore. Masasabi ko pa rin ba na she’s a good person when she hurt me like that? When she was so cruel to me?

 

Umagree na lang ako, “Opo.”

 

“Go have your breakfast na. Your Papa and I need to work on some things.”

 

I dropped the call after bidding goodbye kay Mama. Sana maging okay na ulit yung business sa Manila. I don’t like seeing them stress over that. Pero it happens naman talaga kung ganon ang line of work nila.

 

I got up from my bed.

 

Tumingin ako sa salamin.

 

Do I still have that “heartbroken” look katulad ng napansin nila Hyewon before? I hope not. Lagi rin naman akong nireremind ni Yunjin na I look pretty daw.

 

God, Yunjin.

 

I guess if there’s something good na nangyari sa akin lately, yun yung nameet ko siya.

 

I was right when I said na she’s a breath of fresh air. And when I’m with her, I feel comforted and cared for—in a platonic way, of course.

 

We never really did it again.

 

Tama siya na it was gonna be a one-time thing. And she was also true to her words na gusto niya akong maging friend. Or so she said, "bestie".

 

I’m glad we became friends. Because she’s the only one who doesn’t remind me of Winter. Dahil she’s not connected in any way sa aking ex-bestfriend.

 

Yunjin: Morning, sunshine! Sabay tayong pumasok sa class after lunch oki

 

Me: And if I say no?

 

Yunjin: You won’t :p

 

Me: Haha you’re right. See ya

 

I looked down dun sa table ko. There’s an empty spot dito that used to have that polaroid picture of me and Winter.

 

It made me wonder kung nasaan na nga ito.

 

 

Everyone is now ready to leave the place. Inaantay na lang yung rider na may binili daw saglit sa Bayan. We’re just waiting sa may labas ng resort.

 

Ako yata ang pinaka-excited ngayon na umuwi kasi I can’t bear to even take a glance kay Winter at Minju. Their presence angers me. Especially Winter’s.

 

I honestly could smack her in the face. Ganon ako kagalit sa kanya. Pero syempre, hindi ko naman gagawin yon.

 

I notice her na patingin tingin sa akin since this morning and honestly? It annoys me. How can she look at me like that when she broke our friendship last night?

 

Tapos titingin tingin siya like she regrets it? Bull.

 

Ang kapal lang.

 

“You okay?” Tanong ni Yujin. I feel like she knows that something is wrong pero wala akong will para magkwento ngayon. Hinayaan lang din niya akong matahimik kanina sa boat ride namin.

 

I also haven’t said anything much to anyone simula pagkagising ko. Gusto ko lang makauwi na sa bahay habang umiiyak.

 

“Yeah.” I replied.

 

I suddenly remembered the photo of me and Winter that I threw away. Pati yung friendship ring.

 

Naiinis ako sa sarili ko kasi I have this urge na balikan sila sa basuran because I feel terrible for throwing them out. Para bang ginaya ko lang si Winter sa ginawa ko.

 

And we’re not the same.

 

I refuse to think that we’re the same.

 

Kayang kaya niyang itapon yung friendship namin nang ganon ganon na lang. Hindi ako ganon.

 

“May nalimutan lang ako sa loob. I’ll be back.” I quietly said kay Yeji. Tumango lang siya, nakahabol ang tingin sa akin.

 

I entered the room and went straight to the bathroom ng room. I checked yung trash can. It was empty before I threw yung photo and ring.

 

It’s empty again right now.

 

What?

 

Did the caretaker collect the trashes already?

 

“Kars, nandiyan na yung van. Let’s go.” Hyewon screamed from the outside.

 

 

Wherever they are right now, siguro it was really meant na mawala na. Just like we’re meant to be… what did she say again?

 

“Nothing”?

 

Yeah.

 

There’s a knock on my door, “We’re here! Dapat naka-ready ka na ha!”

 

. I forgot na niyaya nga pala ako ni Yeji at Yujin na mag-breakfast sa Siento. They really didn’t ask me kung okay lang sa akin. Basta nag-demand lang na mag-almusal kami today sa labas.

 

I opened the door for them, “I just woke up.” Nagkunwari akong nag-uunat. They’ve been letting me off lately for slacking off kapag may lakad kami.

 

Siguro dahil na rin they feel bad sa nangyari about me and Winter. They also know yung sleepless nights ko kaya kung ma-late man ako, they don’t really say anything about it.

 

“Hoy Karina, tapos na yung spoiled phase mo! Bilisan mong mag-ayos.” Umirap lang ang ex ko sa akin, trying to look annoyed. But I can see right through her. I know she doesn't mind.

 

“Oo nga. Kung kay Yunjin nakakapag-inarte ka, samin hindi na.” Pagsabat ni Yujin.

 

I just shrugged at them, “Then mauna na kayo.”

 

Both of them hugged me nang malambing, hinalikan pa ako ni Yujin sa noo, “Joke lang! Lab na lab ka namin. Oh siya, maligo ka na. Amoy kulob ka na.”

 

“Mas mauuna kang mag-amoy kulob kaysa sa akin.” I countered. All of us laughed.

 

I’m really thankful for them. Not once did they left me netong mga nakaraang buwan. They keep me sane and I wouldn’t know what to do kung sasarilihin ko lang lahat.

 

The only one I don’t really want near me is Winter.

 

Hindi ko idadamay yung mga taong alam kong may genuine care para sa akin.

 

“Let’s go.” I said nang matapos na akong mag-ayos.

 

Habang naglalakad kami papunta sa café, Yujin couldn’t shut and asked, “Pano kaya kung nandon si Minju at Winter, noh?” Siya lang ang tanging humagikgik sa sinabi.

 

Yeji elbowed her, “Shut up, Yuj.”

 

“Charot lang eh.”

 

But then it turns out... she wasn’t wrong.

 

Pag dating namin sa labas ng Siento, I could clearly see Winter and Minju sa loob dahil nasa tabi lang sila ng window.

 

And they're flirting nonstop.

 

I feel like crying and throwing up. Like my progress of getting rid them off my mind went back to zero. Like I'm drowning again.

 

“Wag na tayo dito.” Hinila ako ni Yeji paalis, “Karina let’s go.” Sabi niya ulit when I stayed sa kinakatayuan ko, just looking at the two being sweet with each other.

 

“Y-yeah. Let’s go.” I quickly said nang maka recover na ako sa nakita.

 

Nauna na akong maglakad dun sa dalawa kong kaibigan. I don’t want them to see me na mangiyak ngiyak just because of those two. Ayokong makita nila ako na mahina.

 

Wala na dapat epekto sakin ito. Buy why do I still feel like this? Seeing them happy… Especially Winter…

 

I shook my head, containing the tears that are about to fall from my eyes.

 

“Karina! Earth to!” I came back to my senses, “Relax, okay? You’re okay..” She hugged me immediately, not caring kung nandito kami sa tabi ng daan.

 

Yujin is just running her hand up and down my back, “Gusto mo ba sapakin ko si Winter?”

 

Pinagalitan siya ni Yeji but it honestly made me laugh, “Please do.” I half-joked.

 

Umalis na ng yakap si Yeji sa akin and she looked at me straight in the eyes, “Get yourself together, Karina.. Gusto mo ba palagi kang ganyan tuwing makikita mo sila? Don’t give them the satisfaction.”

 

“You’re right..”

 

I should learn to keep my cool kapag nakikita ko si Winter. If anything, siya yung dapat mahiya dahil sa mga pinagsasabi niya sa akin.

 

It's just that... that was the first time na nakita ko ulit siya after two months.

 

“Okay ka na? Gutom na ako eh.” Malapit na talagang sabunutan ni Yeji itong si Yujin sa pagiging taklesa.

 

“Yeah tara na.. sa iba na lang muna tayo mag-breakfast.” Sagot ko. Pumayag naman sila at nag-McDo na lang kami.

 

I couldn’t focus on eating. I still kept thinking about what I saw earlier. Para kasing instead na masaktan ulit ako, all I felt was anger towards her.

 

Like how is it fair na she gets to be happy while I’m still pretty much stuck and I still get to feel like this even after two months? 

 

Yeji is right, I should stop sulking and I need to get myself together. Kailangan ko nang tapusin itong phase where I’m constantly feeling miserable about myself.

 

I can't let her ruin my growth.

 

“We have a class pa. San ka? Hatid ka namin kina Yunjin. Dun ka muna.” Natatawa ako sa pagbe-baby sa akin ni Yeji minsan. But I appreciate it a lot.

 

“Oo nga dun ka muna. She seems to calm you down for some reason.” Comment naman ni Yujin.

 

Ngumiti lang ako, “She does.”

 

Siguro dahil siya lang yung hindi nakakaalam ng anything about Winter and she doesn’t see this weakness in me. Although she’s very protective sa akin.

 

Maybe she sensed my vulnerability. I don’t know.

 

"Naghook-up kayo non, 'no? Mga natututunan mo talaga kay Hyewon.." Biglang sabi ni Yujin. Even si Yeji ay patawa-tawa.

 

Nanlaki ang mata ko sa sinabi niya, "What? No!" I laughed awkwardly. Hindi ko kasi sinabi sa kanila yung nangyari sa amin ni Yunjin.

 

Pinauna ko na sila sa campus bago pa kung ano anong itanong nila.

 

Pumunta na ako sa apartment ni Yunjin, unannounced.

 

May toothbrush pa siya sa bibig when she opened the door for me, “You’re early. Excited much?” I almost couldn’t understand ang sinasabi niya.

 

Nagdere-derecho ako sa sofa niya at humiga dito, “Patambay muna before tayo pumasok sa class. Have you eaten?” I asked her.

 

She finished brushing her teeth at humarap sa akin, “I haven’t. Ang aga pa kaya.” Lumapit siya and she sat sa space near my feet, “What’s up? You look sad.”

 

How the hell did she know that… Nakakainis talaga ‘to.

 

“I’m not.”

 

“You are!” Hinampas niya yung leg ko nang mahina, “You have that gloomy aura around you.. Is it because that someone?”

 

I looked at her at natawa, "Ang dami mong alam."

 

I covered my eyes with my arm at parang gusto kong umidlip. Yunjin held my hand and spoke up again, "You can tell me things.. Kahit hindi lahat, but you can open up to me din about that, Kars."

 

I took a peek sa kanya, she looks and sounds sincere like she always does. Huminga muna ako ng malalim at nagsalita na rin, "I saw her."

 

"And?" She's running her thumb at the back of my hand.

 

"And I think I had a major setback nung nakita ko siya." Natawa na lang ako, "After months of avoiding her, nakita ko lang siya one time and ayun, para nanaman akong malalagutan ng hininga. Although mostly due to anger."

 

"Then maybe don't try too hard na i-avoid siya. Face her. Show her na you're fine and you're doing okay without her." She said.

 

Inisip ko yung sinabi niya.

 

Baka nga tama si Yunjin? Maybe I should stop running away from the inevitable?

 

Ngumiti ako sa kanya, "Yeah.. I should probably do that."

 

Kinuha niya ang kamay ko ulit at kinagat yung index finger, "Aray!" What's wrong with her?!

 

Tumawa lang siya nang malakas, "Ipagluto mo ako! Wala pa akong food kakagising ko lang ulit." Nag-pout siya. Ang arte talaga niya minsan.

 

"Sige. Hotdog at itlog."

 

"K, oo."

 

I groaned loudly, "Stop calling me that!"

 

She turned serious again, "Basta take note of what I said, okay? It's gonna get better if you face her, and everything that reminds you of her."

 

And siguro Yunjin was right, because three months after, I went to Milka Krem again after a long time of avoiding the place.

 

I've been doing great nitong mga nakaraang buwan.

 

Sinunod ko yung sinabi nila na kailangan ko nang itigil yung pag-iwas sa mga lugar at bagay that remind me of her. Para masanay. Para mas maka move forward.

 

After all, it's been five months since Batangas happened. And I think I'm starting to be okay with the idea of Winter and I being nothing.

 

So I decided to buy choco milk today, just because I've been craving. Wala na akong pakialam kung makita ko pa siya.

 

It's raining ngayong araw. I don't have an umbrella with me kahit pa nga it's been raining these past few days.

 

I bought one small choco milk at naupo sa bench sa F Park under a big tree. It's still raining pero hindi masyadong basa sa part na ito.

 

I put my airpods on and played some music.

 

It's relaxing. And the song that is playing is making me hopeful that everything will get even better eventually.

 

There she goes in front of me

 

Take my life and set me free again

 

We'll make a memory out of it

 

I'm looking at the Carillon tower on my left. I can see din yung mountain behind it. Sobrang foggy. I like this kind of weather.

 

I feel calm and I feel... happy. That I have this time for myself ngayon.

 

Inubos ko na yung choco milk so I can leave dahil baka lumakas pa yung ulan. May class pa ako later.

 

We finally fall apart

 

And we break each other's hearts

 

If we wanna live young, love

 

We better start today

 

I stood up, holding my bottle of choco milk. Then I turned around... and there she is. My breath hitched, but I don't feel like throwing up anymore.

 

This is the first time na natignan ulit namin ang isa't isa sa mata. The last time was when we talked that night and she said those things.

 

And right now, I don't feel like I'm being stabbed by a thousand knives anymore.

 

I stood my ground at hindi inalis ang tingin sa kanya. This is very different from when I saw her and Minju sa Siento months ago. Na para akong aligagang ewan.

 

Maybe it's because I want Winter to know that I'm okay. That I'm okay without her. And that despite everything that she told me, okay lang ako.

 

It's gotta get easier, oh easier somehow

 

'Cause I'm falling, I'm falling

 

Oh easier and easier somehow

 

Oh I'm calling, I'm calling

 

She was about to smile sa akin kaya I avoided her gaze kaagad at naglakad na papalayo, not looking back para tignan ulit siya.

 

I smiled to myself.

 

It's gonna get easier, indeed.

 

 

 

—

 

 

 

"Anong major ite-take niyo? Nag-file na ba kayo?" Yujin asked nang makarating na sa apartment ni Yunjin. We're having a movie marathon ngayon after a long day of exams.

 

"Karina and I are taking up writing as our major. May assigned na nga kaagad na adviser." Yunjin answered for the both of us.

 

Naka-back hug siya sa akin while we're watching. I don't really mind dahil we're really comfortable with each other like this dahil nga... well, may nangyari sa amin before.

 

Hyewon looked at us, "May pag-back hug?! Para talaga kayong mag-jowang hilaw. Naiinggit ako.." Tumingin siya kay Yeji, "Back hug mo rin ako, Yej."

 

Yujin butted in, "Ako na lang mag-back hug sayo!"

 

Hyewon frowned at our friend, "Asa ka pa!" Kinuha niya ang kamay ni Yeji at pilit na ipinulopot around her waist, "Ayan, better!"

 

"Anyways.." Yeji said, looking flushed pero hindi inaalis ang pagkaka hug niya kay Hyewon, "I'm taking speech com. Ikaw ba Yuj?"

 

"Speech com din teh. Sa ingay kong 'to, baka mahimatay ako kapag magsusulat lang ako lagi." We laughed, then parang may naalala siya bigla, "Ay writing din ata si Wi—" Napatakip agad siya ng bibig.

 

Yunjin isn't listening dahil nagpophone siya kaya kaming tatlo lang nila Yeji ang nakarinig. Hyewon glared at Yujin.

 

Sometimes I forget na Yujin is kind of friends din with Winter. Or maybe not friends, but I think classmate niya yata sa maraming subjects this sem.

 

"May meeting pala tayo tomorrow with Sir Vin! Kasama yung iba niyang advisees." Pinakita sa akin ni Yunjin yung text message from our adviser.

 

"Oh, si Sir Vin. I heard he doesn't like it kapag friends yung advisees niya.. You guys should pretend tomorrow na you don't know each other. Baka palipatin yung isa sa inyo ng adviser." Yeji remarked.

 

Tinignan ko si Yunjin, "Mauna ka tomorrow. May class pa rin ako before the meeting eh. Para hindi tayo sabay."

 

Bigla niya akong hinalikan sa pisngi, yung basang basa pa yung labi niya, nakakainis, "Ano ba!" Tawang-tawa lang siya sa likod ko at pinunasan ang pisngi ko.

 

"Bakit di na lang kayo maging mag-jowa?" Yujin asked, intrigued.

 

"No." Sabay naming sabi.

 

"May crush yan si Yunjin. But she won't tell me kung sino. And it's a guy!" Binuking ko siya. She mentioned kasi last time na may kaklase siya sa isang class na super "cute" daw.

 

Hyewon turned sa kanya, "Straight ka beh?"

 

Yunjin could only shrug, "I think I'm bi. I don't really think about labels too much." Tumango lang kami. We resumed watching The Hunger Games at dito na rin natulog for the night.

 

The next day came and I'm running late sa meeting with the adviser.

 

Yunjin texted me na dumating na raw si Sir and may dalawa pang inaantay na advisees at isa na ako don. Thank God hindi lang ako. Dalawa kami.

 

I was about to enter the room when a girl bumped into me.

 

.

 

"Karina?"

 

This is the first time that I've heard her voice again.

 

I clenched my jaw at pumasok na sa room.

 

"Oh yung dalawang late. Friends kayo mga ineng?" Gusto kong matawa sa tanong ni Sir kasi sobrang coincidence naman na sa amin niya ito tinanong.

 

So I answered confidently, "No, Sir. We're not friends." I noticed na nag-slump ang shoulders ni Winter when I said that.

 

Seryoso ba siya? Diba yun naman ang sabi niya? I wanted to scoff in her face.

 

"Good. Ayokong may friends sa mga advisees ko dahil madidistract kayo sa practicum if you have a close friend na kasama! Got it?"

 

Subtle na napatingin sa akin si Yunjin from her seat in front. She gave me a wink. Muntik na akong matawa.

 

I looked over sa may pinto at nandon pa rin si Winter, looking like a deer caught in headlights. "Ikaw neng? Tatayo ka lang ba diyan?"

 

"H-hindi po. Sorry." She stuttered. I almost felt bad for her dahil alam kong ayaw niyang nasspotlight na ganon. But we're not friends anymore, so it's really not my business to feel bad para sa kanya.

 

She was so confident nga na magsabi ng mga masasakit na bagay, I'm sure she's confident to do other things as well.

 

Sir Vin discussed all the technicalities of our practicum sa summer. I think may mangyayaring internship for a month.

 

Matagal pa ito, so I didn't really pay much attention. Although I'm a bit worried na baka makasama ko si Winter sa internship.

 

Ayoko.

 

I received a text message from Yunjin. Mukhang bored din si gaga sa meeting.

 

Yunjin: zZzZZzzz

 

Karina: I know right haha

 

Yunjin: Won't be able to go with you and Hyewon. May dinner ang fam >.<

 

Karina: Good. Nakakasawa na face mo

 

Yunjin: Wow, I knew katawan ko lang ang gusto mo

 

Karina: That was like four months ago. Get over it

 

Yunjin: K. Anyways, nandito yung crush ko :p

 

Karina: What?! Sino?

 

Yunjin: Secret no clue

 

"I'll see you guys again next time. Keep in touch with each other and magbasa-basa kayo ng old write ups ng mga advisees ko before. You can find them sa Library." Tinapos na ni Sir ang meeting, finally.

 

I waited for everyone to go out at inantay si Yunjin, "May pa-retouch? Hoping na mapansin ni crushie?" I teased.

 

She giggled, "True. Charot!" Naglakad na kami palabas ng room, "I'm going na rin. Dun naka-park si Mommy sa likod." We parted ways pagbaba ng hagdan.

 

Hyewon: Wala ka nanaman payong for sure. Wait mo ko sa lobby

 

Karina: You're right haha I'm here na. Wait kita

 

"Sabay ka na." My body went stiff dahil sa boses ni Winter.

 

I didn't even face her nang sumagot ako, ayokong tignan siya, "No thanks."

 

"Malakas yung ulan.. parang hindi titila any time soon."

 

Seryoso ba siya sa ginagawa niya? What made her think na okay lang na kausapin ako ever so casually like nothing happened sa aming dalawa?

 

I remained calmed, though.

 

"Leave me alone, Winter."

 

And it has been the most satisfying words I said for the past few months.

 

I can see in my peripheral na napatungo ang ulo niya and she cowered a little bit. What did she even expect? Sumama ako at magpa payong sa kanya na parang walang nangyari?

 

Nahihibang yata siya.

 

"Kars! Let's go!" I smiled instantly kay Hyewon. I saw her eye Winter beside me and she gave her a weak smile.

 

We walked papalabas ng building and Hyewon spoke after namin makalayo, "Don't tell me she tried na mag-offer ng umbrella sayo?"

 

I laughed, "That's exactly what she did."

 

"Grabe si teh. The nerve."

 

"Yeah.." I chuckled, trying to wash away yung teeny tiny bit part of me that felt bad when I told her to leave me alone.

 

I need to remind myself na si Winter ang mismong dahilan bakit ko rin nasabi yun sa kanya.

 

Weeks after, gumawa ng GC si Ate Irene para sa advisees ni Sir Vin. It's fun and all of them are quite nice and friendly sa isa't isa.

 

Winter's presence still irks me but I learned to live with it. Magiging magkasama kami sa maraming meetings so I need to it up.

 

I received a text from Mama ngayong gabi while Yunjin and Yeji and I are having a group study sa isang subject na magkakaklase kami. Si Yujin yata ay nasa birthday party sa Manila. She didn't really mention kung saan.

 

Mama: Anak I think I saw Winter dito sa party

 

Huh? She sent this an hour ago. Ngayon ko lang nabasa. And what does she mean nakita niya si Winter sa party where she's at?

 

Mama calling...

 

"Wait lang guys, I have to take this." Lumabas ako saglit ng apartment ni Yeji.

 

I answered the call, "Ma?"

 

"Hi anak. Pauwi na ako. Just letting you know."

 

"Mag-ingat ka po. Nasan ba si Papa? Bakit hindi mo kasama?" Ang alam ko kasi, she went to a party and yung mga guests dun are businessmen din kaya she was trying to build connections.

 

"Ka-meeting ni Papa yung isang investor.." Feeling ko that isn't the truth. Kasi parang nagkakaproblema din sila ni Papa with their personal lives lately and hindi lang sa business.

 

"Ma. I can sense your lie." Prangka kong sabi. I don't like it kapag nagsu-sugarcoat siya sa akin ng words.

 

I heard her quiet laugh, "You know me well, anak.." She paused, "Your Papa and I are working it out okay? Normal lang sa mag-asawa ang mag-away. Especially if we have a business to run."

 

Tumango na lang ako even though she doesn't see me, "Okay po.."

 

"Anyway. That's not why I called." Oh no. Don't tell me it's about Winter. I don't really wanna hear anything about her right now.

 

"I saw Winter! Kapatid daw nung friend niya yung celebrant. Nag-usap pa kami kanina before I left.."

 

I hummed, feigning my interest about Winter. Sister siguro ni Minju. I'm not sure. But ito rin siguro yung pinuntahan ni Yujin since her family is close with Minju's yata.

 

"She looked sad kanina, anak. Is she okay? Kaya chinika chika ko. Parang may problema siya." That sparked my interest.

 

Sad? May problema? Shouldn't she be happy she got to meet her girlfriend's family?

 

"Ahh.. baka po may ano lang, may personal problems lang." I don't really know what to say. Para kasing Mama expects me to know things about Winter dahil nga bestfriend ko pa rin siya sa paningin ni niya.

 

She didn't really say much after that. Just telling me to check up on Winter. And obviously, I'm not gonna do that.

 

Although there's still this... teeny tiny bit part nanaman na parang nag-alala sa kanya. But I'm not gonna act on it.

 

The next time I saw Winter, it's when my co-advisees decided na mag-meeting sa library to browse old manuscripts just like what Sir Vin suggested.

 

Yeji and Yujin are walking me and Yunjin papunta sa main library. Kakatapos lang namin mag-lunch.

 

"Hey Winter." Bumati si Yeji sa kanya.

 

I'm not bothering na tumingin sa kanya but I couldn't help but to do so dahil malapit lang siya sa amin. Her eyebags are evident and she looks ti