Sunhee had to leave early that day, so she left me with the other lady that was like hell. Literally hell! Even worse than the students and Junmyeon combined! Everytime she saw a bit dirty plate, she made me scrub it until it was shining. I wished Sunhee was there to help me, but this lady just watched and screamed at me how very useless I was. 

I wasn't used on others telling me, that I was useless, because I was pretty good at anything and I had authority, but that lady didn't really care about it. 

I also wasn't nice and kind with her. I kept looking at her with my ferious eyes and left without saying goodbye. Once I completly left my hands hurt and I felt extremly tired. 

Most of the students were already in their dorms and higher ranks also didn't think about staying up late. I envied them for this. They could enjoy their evening, but I had to scrub the dishes that they left. It was torturing to see soliders with smiles on their faces. It should be me smiling and laughing at them.

I slowly left to my room and decided to take a shower before sleeping. Even though it was very dark I decided to turn on only a few lights, so I saw where I was walking. I slowly looked for my pyjama. I wanted to go to sleep as soon as possible, but I still did everything slowly and lazily.

I went to the door of my bathroom and opened them. 

I felt shivers over my body before I even realised what was happening. 

In a weak light I found a body hanging of the ceiling of my bathroom. The rope burried into the neck of the person and black long hair fell down to cover its face. It was slowly and slightly swining in the mid air, without any other moves. 

I couldn't breathe. My mind was spinning and I got dizzy. I got sick. I looked away from the figure in front of me, but it was too late. I couldn't erase the scene in front of my eyes. My legs were getting weak and I fell on my knees. I choked on the cold air around me and the last I got from myelf was a groan. I exhaled and my mind went blank. I out.

I got a flashback. The one I never wanted and asked for.

I felt pain. It was too much for me to handle it. People around me told me to be strong and not give up.

Nothing helped.

Even the pack of pills everyday just barely covered the pain inside me, which was growing bigger and bigger every second. 

I was tired from everything, but even the days spent in my bed made me just more exhausted. 

I couldn't eat. I felt hungry, but refused to eat. The pain inside me told me not to eat. To starve myself. To starve until I die. I threw up everything I ate. Not a bit of food or drink stayed in my stomach for linger than a few minutes. 

I was nervous. Everything around me made me tensed up and I got afraid in a matter of moments. I scratched everything that came under my hands. I had to distract myself from panicking. My skin burned from scratching, but I didn't stop. I kept biting my nails, even though there wasn't much left to bite at.

I heard voices. Telling me how much I screwed everything. How I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't exist anymore. I shouldn't be here.

Images flashed in front of my eyes and even though I had closed eyes I saw them. Everything spun in front of my eyes. 

I couldn't stand this. Everything tortured me and didn't have mercy over me. Everynight I prayed and asked for forgiveness. For one peaceful night, without a bit of flashbacks and pain. 

Why is this happening to me? Do I deserve this? Can I get the forgiveness I ask for everynight? Will I ever be able to live normaly?

No, this won't happen. I can't pay my actions. It will stay forever. 

My mind spun and the flasback changed.

I was on my knees. Tears fell down my cheeks. I couldn't catch the air I needed to breathe. In my hands was a body. A body of a female. She was still beautiful,but she wasn't the same I wanted her. Her skin was pale, without a bit of life in it. Getting colder in my hands. Her lips were in blue and purple colour, just getting darker. Her eyes reminded closed. On her neck lied a dark blue mark. All around it. It burried deep into her neck and didn't disappear. She didn't do a move. Not even breathing, a bit of reflex. There was nothing from her. Her black and dark clothes rested on her lowered chest.

My tears fell on her. Sliding down on her white skin. 

"I- I'm sorry-" I whispered.

No response.

"Sorry... Sorry- I'm so- so sorry," I continued. My voice trembled. It faded away without any effect on the girl. Not a single apologise from me wasn't accepted. This was never about to be forgiven. 

"I'M SORRY!" I screamed in agony. She still didn't response. Suddenly I panicked. I touched her cold cheeks, rubbed them. 

"Wake up," I said, but my words faded away again. "WAKE UP! Wake up!" my voice was getting weaker and i couldn't find enough air in my lungs to speak on.

I lowered my head to the girls. I kissed her forehead. It was cold and meaningless. It ment nothing. It was too late. 

"I'm sorry," I spoke again. Even I couldn't har myself, but the words were around us. "I love you," I let out at last. I cried and let the agony take over me.

"Chanyeol! Chanyeol!" I heard someone calling me. I heard ringing in my ears and my view was blury. I needed time just to realise how to breathe properly and think with my own mind. 

Junmyeon was holding my upper body up and called my name, each time I heard it louder. I came was confused and I couldn't remember a thing. I just knew I was in pain. A lot of pain, but I didn't show it. I was to weak to even move. All my muscles were tensed, but none could move.

"Chanyeol. What happened?!" Junmyeon sounded worried. I couldn't speak, but just quietly groaned. He was getting blury again. His figure kept zoomin in and out, making me even more confused. I closed my eyes, but refused as I saw the images from my flashback again. 

Suddenly Junmyeon placed me back on the ground and ran away. He called for help. 

As he left I felt scared. I wanted someone to be with me and keep me safe, but he left me on the ground helplessly. I felt my breathing getting heavy again and my headache getting worse. 

I exhaled the last bits of air in my lungs and fell into darkness again.

I woke up in a hospital room. It was in the middle of the day and sun was shining into the room through the window. I was alone. There was a deadly silence around me and it made me feel uncomfortable.

I moved a bit in my bed, but regret it. My whole body ached and it made me yelp in pain. 

Do I care about the pain? There is more hurting me than jsut my body- I thought and pushed my aching body deep into the end of my mind. I sat up, still groaning about the pain. 

The room was small and only had a few beds and a table in it. Most things were in bright white colour. I didn't like it here. It made me feel uneasy. 

I slowly stood up, but with that just gained another wave of pain. I kept quiet even though the pain was killing me. I helped myself stand with wall next to me. For afew momentts I just waited to get used on standing and walking. 

Sweat appeared on me as I kept that much pain inside me, but I didn't give up. I walked to the door of the room, while still leaning to the wall. My legs were weak, but I forced myself into walking on. I opened the doors and came to one of the hallways from the hospital wing. Nobody was there. The hallway was quiet and empty. I walked on. Nobody came by and I felt relieved that I stayed alone. I didn't want anyone in the moment, but deep inside i knew that my soul was crying for company. For anyone to be with me and comfort me. 

I left to my room. I wanted to be there, where I liked to be the most. In this moment I just wanted my room and bed. I felt tired and exhausted, but I knew that if I went back to sleep I would just get more nightmares and flashbacks from the past. I didn't want that. I didn't want to see her in my mind. 

After years of fighting flashbacks and memories in my mind, I managed to push them away, so they didn't bother me that much, but now they were back. I didn't let it take over me, but on every so I had to stop walking and take a rest from everything. It was torturing to fight the pain and flashbacks, while walking to the other end of the campus. My legs were literally shaking and I felt like on fire while walking. I still helped myself with walls and other objects around me. Whenever I had to walk without any other support, I almost tripped and fell on the ground.

Once I was in front of my room, I was covered in sweat and breathed deeply. I just opened the door of my room and inside fell on my bed. I didn't move for a few moments, but just relaxed all my muscles as much as I could.

I lied down properly, but didn't close my eyes. I was afraid of the flashbacks. I saw them even with open eyes and conscious, but when I slept it became worse. It took all over me and made me weak. I hated myself for being weak. That I couldn't even take one good nap, was torturing and ripping my soul in half.

I don't know how long I lied there, but soon Jongdae rushed into my room. He was worried and once he saw me he sighed and passed his hair with his hand.

"Chanyeol! I have been looking for you on a whole campus!" he sounded strict and still worried. "You should have told me that you will leave! You have no ideas how were worried I was. You just diappeared!" he continued. I just slightly pushed my upper body up, but it still ached a lot. I kept my groans inside and pretended everything was fine.

"You looked for me everywhere on the campus?" I slowly asked. My voice sounded hoarse.

"Well yes..." He sighed and rubbed his neck 

"You thought I would be anywhere else? You know that I spend most of my time in my room, but you thought I would be somewhere else after I lost my mind?" I asked directly.

"I- Uhhh- No, but I got very worried," he tried to say the right thing.

"Well, you know where I am. Can you leave now?" I aske dand hoped he would leave. My mind was fighting. One way I wanted to be alone, but other way I begged for someone to be by my side. 

"I can't leave now! You just spent 3 days in the hospital and you think you will chill like that?!" he said and a sudden shock went over me.

"3 days?!" I asked and widened my eyes.

"Yes, Chanyeol" he told me. "3 days. You kept muttering things, but I couldn't understand a bit. You also shivered most of the time and kept having high temperature. I also had to keep your hands in socks because you kept scratching yourself," 

A moment of silence fell and Jongdae, just glared at me, while I was looking at the ground of my room.

"Chanyeol... Is there anything you would like to tell me? I know you have problems, but it would be better for you and much easier for me if you told me at least a little bit about it, don't you think so?" he asked at last.

"No," I said straight. 

"Chanyeol are you out of your mind?" 

"Yes, can you leave me now?!" 

"Wouldn't you even think about it?" 

I thought about it. I had a lot to tell, but I didn't want to tell it to Jongdae. I didn't trust him enough. He really was kind and caring, but my problems were not his responsibility. 

"Please. I know something bothers you and after that incident in your room- it most be something," Jongdae insisted.

"Can you just explain me what happened in my room-?" I slowly asked and changed the topic. Jongdae sighed, but still started to explain things.

"Well, somehow the doll, I mean fake body was set in your bathroom-" he said, but I interputed him.

"Fake body? It wasn't real?" I was confused.

"Yes, it was fake. Nobody tried to do a suicide in your bathroom," he got the point. "Well, I am just wondering if you know who it was? I know already, but could you guess who placed the body there?" he asked and stepped close to my bed.

I thought a little, but it didn't take me long to get a name. i knew it too well. There was no way anyone else would do it.

"B-Byun?" I said and Jongdae nodded. 

"How long are you two 'pranking' each other?" he asked again.

"A Week or two," 

"Why didn't you tell me?" Jongdae sounded upset, but he annoyed me.

"Why didn't I tell you?" I raised my eyebrows. "If I told you, you would go and defend Byun without even thinking I was also struggling with that!" 

"Okay, that is true, but still. Why?" 

"Because you got nothing to do here. It's not our problem that we don't go along with each other. Stop trying to do impossible. You just can't change some things. Help with whatever you can and don't get involved in someone else's business!" I said waht I thought.

Jongdae's lips trembled and I regret my words.

"I- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be that rough," I tried to apology.

"Alright, Chanyeol. As you say, mybe I have nothing to do between you and Bakehyun, but I don't want you to be hurt again. Remember yourself a few years ago. How very hard times you lived. It was hard for everyone around you and I don't want this to happen again," he said and gave me a weak smile. He talked about my past.

"Th- Thank you," I said quietly. Jongdae sighed.

"I will get going. Will see you later and please, Chanyeol, be strong—"

"You think I am not strong?" I sighed and rolled with my eyes. "You are not talking to Byun right now!" 

"I didn't mean it like that," he passed through his hair. 

"I know," I said calmly and looked away. 

"Look, I know you can do things good by yourself, but some things will torture you too much. You will have to share them with others and hold the problems together. Only this way you can do it," he said.

 I just nodded on it. He was right about everything, but I hated to accept it. I wasn't ready to open myself. And I wasn't sure who to trust. There were a lot of people who were trying to help me, but I didn't trust them enough.

I stayed in my bed until evening. That time Sehun came to my room. He was all out of breath and looked like he was running all the way to here. 

"Chanyeol! How dare you! I was so ing worried!" Sehun breathed out when he saw me. 

"What is it? You heard about me being awake just now?" I yawned and rubbed my eyes. I ushed my upper body up and sat, while groaning.

"Well, yes- However I am happy to see you!" he gave me a wide but weird smile.

"I thought we were best friends!" 

"We are...." 

"Then why didn't you come to me and tell me that you are still alive! It is hard to be with Junmyeon when you aren't around!" 

"Oh just shut up, you need something from me," I said and rolled with my eyes. "Remember that you have bigger salery than me, so I am not giving you money!" 

"Oh no it is not that," Sehun laughed. "I am actually getting annoyed by Jun! But at least he is doing some good things for you!" 

"Well that is nothing new," I sighed. 

"Don't worry, that Byun, or something, will get what he deserves. Junmyeon just called him to his office agian. He is leaving," his words shocked me. I thought I was about to jump off the bed, I thought I heard him wrong.

"What? Leaving?!" I rised my voice and felt more than awake now.

"Yes, I thought you knew about it..." he told me confused.