Sunhee had to leave early that day, so she left me with the other lady that was like hell. Literally hell! Even worse than the students and Junmyeon combined! Everytime she saw a bit dirty plate, she made me scrub it until it was shining. I wished Sunhee was there to help me, but this lady just watched and screamed at me how very useless I was. 

I wasn't used on others telling me, that I was useless, because I was pretty good at anything and I had authority, but that lady didn't really care about it. 

I also wasn't nice and kind with her. I kept looking at her with my ferious eyes and left without saying goodbye. Once I completly left my hands hurt and I felt extremly tired. 

Most of the students were already in their dorms and higher ranks also didn't think about staying up late. I envied them for this. They could enjoy their evening, but I had to scrub the dishes that they left. It was torturing to see soliders with smiles on their faces. It should be me smiling and laughing at them.

I slowly left to my room and decided to take a shower before sleeping. Even though it was very dark I decided to turn on only a few lights, so I saw where I was walking. I slowly looked for my pyjama. I wanted to go to sleep as soon as possible, but I still did everything slowly and lazily.

I went to the door of my bathroom and opened them. 

I felt shivers over my body before I even realised what was happening. 

In a weak light I found a body hanging of the ceiling of my bathroom. The rope burried into the neck of the person and black long hair fell down to cover its face. It was slowly and slightly swining in the mid air, without any other moves. 

I couldn't breathe. My mind was spinning and I got dizzy. I got sick. I looked away from the figure in front of me, but it was too late. I couldn't erase the scene in front of my eyes. My legs were getting weak and I fell on my knees. I choked on the cold air around me and the last I got from myelf was a groan. I exhaled and my mind went blank. I out.

I got a flashback. The one I never wanted and asked for.

I felt pain. It was too much for me to handle it. People around me told me to be strong and not give up.

Nothing helped.

Even the pack of pills everyday just barely covered the pain inside me, which was growing bigger and bigger every second. 

I was tired from everything, but even the days spent in my bed made me just more exhausted. 

I couldn't eat. I felt hungry, but refused to eat. The pain inside me told me not to eat. To starve myself. To starve until I die. I threw up everything I ate. Not a bit of food or drink stayed in my stomach for linger than a few minutes. 

I was nervous. Everything around me made me tensed up and I got afraid in a matter of moments. I scratched everything that came under my hands. I had to distract myself from panicking. My skin burned from scratching, but I didn't stop. I kept biting my nails, even though there wasn't much left to bite at.

I heard voices. Telling me how much I screwed everything. How I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't exist anymore. I shouldn't be here.

Images flashed in front of my eyes and even though I had closed eyes I saw them. Everything spun in front of my eyes. 

I couldn't stand this. Everything tortured me and didn't have mercy over me. Everynight I prayed and asked for forgiveness. For one peaceful night, without a bit of flashbacks and pain. 

Why is this happening to me? Do I deserve this? Can I get the forgiveness I ask for everynight? Will I ever be able to live normaly?

No, this won't happen. I can't pay my actions. It will stay forever. 

My mind spun and the flasback changed.

I was on my knees. Tears fell down my cheeks. I couldn't catch the air I needed to breathe. In my hands was a body. A body of a female. She was still beautiful,but she wasn't the same I wanted her. Her skin was pale, without a bit of life in it. Getting colder in my hands. Her lips were in blue and purple colour, just getting darker. Her eyes reminded closed. On her neck lied a dark blue mark. All around it. It burried deep into her neck and didn't disappear. She didn't do a move. Not even breathing, a bit of reflex. There was nothing from her. Her black and dark clothes rested on her lowered chest.

My tears fell on her. Sliding down on her white skin. 

"I- I'm sorry-" I whispered.

No response.

"Sorry... Sorry- I'm so- so sorry," I continued. My voice trembled. It faded away without any effect on the girl. Not a single apologise from me wasn't accepted. This was never about to be forgiven. 

"I'M SORRY!" I screamed in agony. She still didn't response. Suddenly I panicked. I touched her cold cheeks, rubbed them. 

"Wake up," I said, but my words faded away again. "WAKE UP! Wake up!" my voice was getting weaker and i couldn't find enough air in my lungs to speak on.

I lowered my head to the girls. I kissed her forehead. It was cold and meaningless. It ment nothing. It was too late. 

"I'm sorry," I spoke again. Even I couldn't har myself, but the words were around us. "I love you," I let out at last. I cried and let the agony take over me.

"Chanyeol! Chanyeol!" I heard someone calling me. I heard ringing in my ears and my view was blury. I needed time just to realise how to breathe properly and think with my own mind. 

Junmyeon was holding my upper body up and called my name, each time I heard it louder. I came was confused and I couldn't remember a thing. I just knew I was in pain. A lot of pain, but I didn't show it. I was to weak to even move. All my muscles were tensed, but none could move.

"Chanyeol. What happened?!" Junmyeon sounded worried. I couldn't speak, but just quietly groaned. He was getting blury again. His figure kept zoomin in and out, making me even more confused. I closed my eyes, but refused as I saw the images from my flashback again. 

Suddenly Junmyeon placed me back on the ground and ran away. He called for help. 

As he left I felt scared. I wanted someone to be with me and keep me safe, but he left me on the ground h