제 7.2 장: 미안, 미안, 지켜주지 못해 미안해 (Sorry, Sorry, I’m sorry I Couldn’t protect you)
Chrome Heart
I left the hospital two days after. I was fine but Eun Seol... She had lost too much blood and her brain had been deprived of oxygen for too long. Result: there was no brain activity. Her parents had the difficult task to choose between disconnecting her or letting her live like that, hook to machines until she dies. They turned to me for help. Me, 자신의 딸의 살인자. (Jasinui ttalui salinja. Their daugther murderer). I had told everything to Wong Bin and Taecyeon and the young men did their best to cheer me up but to no avail. I could not shake away the guilt that was eating me alive. If only I had stayed with my sasaeng cases, if only I had put more heart in working with Eun Seol, if only I had not transfered her...If only... Wong Bin had decided that going home, seeing my things and being in a familiar environment was the best thing that could happen to me at the moment.
I left the elevator, squeezing the plastic bag containing my clothes covered in blood. I had to think of burning those quickly. The first thing that Taecyeon had done this morning had been to buy me a clean and pretty dress.
I stopped in front of my apartment and threw a quick glance towards Ji Yong's. He had never came to see me. He had not called either. Netizens had a lot on their plate since a photo of Kiko, getting in Ji Yong's car, at the exit of a club, escorted by the idol's manager, had appeared on the net. I knew the photo was real: it was the same car that I drove with Ji Yong when he wanted to ride incognito on Seoul's street or for my driving lesson like he called them.
I opened Ji Yong's apartment door. No one. I suddenly turned heels and without thinking too much, I called a cab and asked him to drive me to YG. I was able to easily enter the building because apparently my name was still in the list of the company's authorized visitors.
I bumped into Taeyang and Seungri.
- Anna 누나 (nuna) ! exclaimed the latter. It's been so long since you came to see us. I was beginning to think you had forgotten us or worst, did not loved us anymore!
- She was in Japan Taeyang reminded him. Is everything all right? Want to see Ji Yong?
I nod and followed them without saying a word. The other Big Bang members thought I was still in Japan so they didn't know that I was in the hospital.
- 형 (hyeong)! Look at the surprise that we have for you! Exclaimed Seungri, opening the door of a recording studio.
Ji Yong, Top and Daesung were there. They all rose to greet me but my gaze was glued on Ji Yong. He had dark circles under his eyes again and his hair was now red. He went clubbing every night with his Kiko and did not have time to sleep, he had changed his hair - again- but he did not have time to come to me when I needed him? Suddenly, I got very angry.
- Two nights ago, Taecyeon 오빠 (oppa) and Wong Bin 선배 (seonbae) called to tell you that I was at the hospital. You told them you were busy. What were you doing?
This sounded more accusatory that I wanted. All eyes were directed towards Ji Yong. I could see several emotions playing on his face: astonishment, shame, guilt. But the one that predominated was anger.
- Excuse me? Since when do I report to you on my movements?
- I don't want a report. I just want to know where you were when I needed you.
I was pretty suprised by my quiet self. The only thing that mattered was to get my answer. I prayed to God that he would tell me that Kiko was bleeding to death somewhere and that's why he had ignored me.
- You needed me? And what could I have done to help you?
I seriously thought about his question and a derisive chuckle escaped me.
- 웃기네 (Utgine. It's funny). I just ask myself that question and no answer comes to mind. How could you have help me while I watched how this young girl who was my patient cut her jugular because I abandoned her?
Blood withdrew from Ji Yong's face . At my inner debate, I didn't even see that. Stifled exclamations of the other Big Bang members completely eluded me too.
- Or what could have you done when I was covered in her blood, and with her last breath, she blamed me for everything that happened to her? Maybe you could have hold my hand when the doctor announced that she had become a vegetable? You know: no more brain activity, brain dead. Or you could have hug me and help me up when her parents came to me, asking advice about disconnecting her or leaving her like that!
I trew my plastic bag at his face and angrily whiped the tears that were running down my cheeks.
- 알겠어 (algesso. I get it). I'm the one who had imagined things. The one who had foolishly fallen for you because I thought that there was more... more than what I saw. I thought I knew the real Kwon Ji Yong. 미안해 (I'm sorry). Apparently, I was wrong, I'm the only one invested in this relationship. I know those are my feeling and that you have nothing to do with it but...
I made a slight bow.
- Life is too short to waste my time in a one-sided relationship. I'm always there to listen to you, to help you sleep... I even put you before me in my life and when I needed you, the only time when I really needed you...
Tears choked me a moment. I raised my hand to silence Ji Yong, who wanted to talk. I took a deep breath to calm myself and I finally looked at him in the eye. He had his mouth wide open and was as white as a sheet.
- 걱정마 (Geokjeong ma Don't worry). You won't have to suffer my presence anymore and I will never claim anything from you. Neither your presence or your time. 안녕히계세요 (Annyeonhi gyeseyo. Good bye) Kwon Ji Yong-ssi. 잘 살길바래 (Jal salgilbarae. I hope you'll live well).
I turned my heels and ran away from YG Entertainment, away from Big Bang, far from G-Dragon and especially away from Kwon Ji Yong.
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