"We are one! Hello, we are EXO!" "We have once again come back with a new song- Overdose! Please give it lots of love!" 

~

It was hell. The fans were upset and worried, angry and shocked. They didn't understand what had happened with Kris and demanded answers during fanmeetings and concerts and interviews. The members were forbidden to respond and even if they were allowed, Chanyeol didn't think there was anything he could say truthfully. He didn't understand himself. All in all, it was the worst time for a comeback. 

Chanyeol had begun to hate being an idol and it scared him. It wasn't really the schedule or the constant pressure that had begun to irk him. It was himself. Why on earth had he insisted on being the 'Happy Virus'? The cheerful one? Because of that damn title, he couldn't cry. He couldn't get angry. He couldn't scream or shout or cry out about what had happened. All he could do was laugh and smile like an idiot at the fans, pretending that everything was perfectly fine. 

It would have been manageable if it had just been with the fans, he could handle that. But even the staff and members expected it from him. Whenever he got quiet for a while, his fellow members and idols would glance at him with worry and ask what was wrong. Can't I be quiet? He wanted to yell. Can't I have feelings? 

Really, it was his fault. He was the one who had insisted that he would keep on smiling, no matter what. That was back in the early days, when he had thought EXO to be invincible; their friendship and hard work would conquer everything. He had believed they would last forever. How stupid he had been. How naive. He scoffed to himself as he walked down the hallway of the SM Building. They were scheduled for an interview soon and he had to get his makeup done. He reached the dressing room and opened the door, walking in. Some members of Girls Generation and SHINee were already there, sitting down and getting their makeup done, chattering away. But when they noticed him, they all went quiet. 

That was another thing he hated. Ever since the news had been released, every other idol looked at the members with pity and were always asking whether they were alright. Chanyeol was sick of it. Most of them didn't even understand what it was like. Asking him if he was okay; does it actually matter to you whether I'm fine? 

He put on a confident smile and walked to the stylist who was already ready for him. "Hey Chanyeol." Jonghyun greeted from where he was getting his hair done. His tone was careful, completely opposite to the carefree tone he had during their New Years party. "Hey, wassup?" Chanyeol replied in a (fake) cheerful tone. "Are you guys still going for basketball later on? Mind if I join?" Chanyeol continued. Jonghyun exchanged a nervous glance with Key. "Yeah... but are you sure you can come? I mean, I know you've been stressed lately with all the.. you know." Jonghyun trailed off, wincing slightly. Chanyeol's smile faltered a bit. "Ah, no! I'm completely fine! Can I join?" He asked again. Onew nodded. "Yeah, sure. Come along." The boy said, glaring slightly at the now flushed Jonghyun and Key. 

Chanyeol nodded and turned away. The stylist quickly did her work without any of her usual chatter and gossip. Chanyeol sighed inwardly. He seemed to be doing that a lot lately. "Chanyeol oppa." Chanyeol turned to see Taeyeon from Girls Generation. "Oh, hello Taeyeon noona." He greeted politely. Although he had met her a few times, he wasn't very close with the leader of Girls Generation. Taeyeon smiled. "I just wanted to ask how you were doing." She said warmly. "I'm fine." Chanyeol answered automatically before breaking into a grin, hoping it would convince her. She seemed to take it and swallowed before asking. "How about the other members? Baekhyun?" She continued. "Baekhyun?" Chanyeol asked, confused by the sudden mention of his friend. 

"How's Baekhyun? And uh, Chen? Just generally, how's everyone?" Taeyeon was blushing slightly, stuttering slightly. Chanyeol thought it was strange. "Um, they're alright as well. And, uh, I guess Baekhyun and Chen are doing alright as well." Chanyeol replied, not sure what to say. Taeyeon nodded. "Well, if you guys need anyone to talk to, you can talk to me, okay?" She said kindly. Chanyeol nodded dumbly. Taeyeon left quickly, going back to her members who were giggling slightly. 

"What the heck was that about?" Chanyeol muttered under his breath as he left the dressing room, shaking his head slightly. He headed to the interview room quickly, ignoring the stares from the staff and managers walking around. He entered the room to see that all the members were already there. "Sorry I'm late!" Chanyeol said cheerfully as he walked in quickly. "Don't worry, you're not late. We haven't even started yet." Chen reassured. The other members remained quiet. Chanyeol hated the silence but there was nothing he could do about it so he chatted with Chen during that time; Chen was the only one who was stable during this time. 

When the interview started, Chanyeol was as usual, put at the back due to his height and he stood in the same spot and said the same things in the same stupid cheerful tone with the same expressions. It was something he could probably do in his sleep. Everything they were saying in front of the camera had been rehearsed and practiced, given to them by the staff a few hours ago. It wasn't all bad though. The interviewers, seeming to sense their awkwardness and sadness, would be extra funny and cheerful which was comforting. 

But even then, it would end badly. An interviewer would crack a joke on one of the members and Chanyeol would laugh, instinctively turning to his side to share his joy with Yifan. But Yifan wasn't there anymore. The tall boy who usually stood next to Chanyeol and smiled endearingly every time Chanyeol would turn to the boy to say a joke or just laugh at something that had been said; he wasn't there. It was hard to ignore, the gaping space next to him which used to occupy Yifan. It stood like a dark cloud next to Chanyeol, making it hard for the boy to maintain a calm demeanor. 

In these moments, Chanyeol's smile would disappear and he would feel sadness. A sadness that was just like when he was missing his family. Yifan had been part of Chanyeol's family. When did things change so much, hyung? Why did you leave us? 

Chanyeol would turn back and face the front, putting on his best (fake) smile. He would act like the happy virus and be his usual self. What else could he do?

~

Baekhyun had cried. It had been an instant reflex following the news of Yifan's departure. He was just thankful that he got to his room before the other members saw. Only once the door had been locked had he allowed the sobbing to commence. He hadn't cried for a long time. After 5 minutes or so, he had stopped. But it had been horrible, all the same and with a pounding headache, he'd quickly fell asleep. He was woken minutes later by knocking on the door. Baekhyun had put on sunglasses to cover his puffy red eyes and had opened the door to see his roommate, Chanyeol there. Chanyeol, thankfully, hadn't asked any questions about the sunglasses and gone to bed quickly. 

Baekhyun hated it. He hated crying in front of people and had always tried to maintain himself in public. But he wasn't strong like Chen or able to remain as cheerful and optimistic as Chanyeol. He couldn't control it as well as Sehun. And so, during the first week, he would often run off to the bathroom and let the tears escape, crying quietly in the stall. None of the members seemed to notice and even if they had, no one commented on it.

It was the memories that made him cry. Every single goddamn thing that had happened between him and Yifan. The memories of the Showtime episodes, when he had teased the boy's goofy image and galaxy theme. The reminders of the times when they had been roommates and Baekhyun hadn't felt the need to be hyper or active and instead, had relaxed. The times when Baekhyun would ask the boy to listen to him singing in Mandarin, to see how Baekhyun's accent was. The sarcastic and ironic comments shared between the two. The silly moments when they would laugh over the stupidest things. Everything was analysed and criticised. He tried to understand what had happened. He tried to find out where things had gone wrong. But he couldn't. 

No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't find the source, the cause. He had given up for a while, 2 days as they had their comeback and performed. It was in the middle of the concert, however, that he realized, while watching the fans cry and cheer along that it wasn't one thing. It was never one thing. It had been a build up. A build up of things that happened that must have convinced Yifan. Moments that made Yifan want to leave. 

After that, he had wondered. Was he one of the reasons? Baekhyun had always teased the members, including Yifan. It had been his way of lightening the atmosphere and he had never really meant any of the comments in a mean way. Did Yifan realize it was just a joke? He didn't take it seriously, right? The realization chilled Baekhyun's heart as he thought and thought about whether it was him. He must have known it was a joke. I never meant it. 

But you never apologized about those stupid comments anyway. You should have said something. Baekhyun had paled so much that Chen had come to see if he was okay. After the concert, as they went back home in their car, all Baekhyun could feel was guilt. Guilt that ripped at his insides and kept him quiet throughout the days that followed. At some point, he remembered thinking, why can't you be like Chanyeol and Chen? Chen was doing well, taking things calmly in the way that only he could. Chanyeol hadn't shown any signs of being affected, remaining his usual happy self. Baekhyun didn't know how they did it. He was usually one of those members; the happy and cheerful sort. He was part of the beagle line. Chen and Chanyeol hadn't really taken it very seriously but the beagle line was something that Baekhyun used to identify himself. 

The mischievious members, the cheerful members, the playful members, the happy members. Those were his usual qualities but these days, he rarely spoke and couldn't even bring himself to say sarcastic or funny things in the interviews. He couldn't bring himself to say anything that might hurt the other members. He couldn't say anything. 

Baekhyun sighed and tried to sleep, turning to the other side of his bed. Chanyeol heard it. "You alright?" The boy's deep voice was concerned. "Yeah." Baekhyun replied. "You sure? You rarely speak these days." Chanyeol said, not sounding convinced at all. Baekhyun couldn't help but feel slightly inferior to the boy who didn't seem affected by the news at all. He wanted to say something about being guilty but what came out was irritation. "Fine! I'm not doing well, but what would you know? You're not even affected! I haven't even see you look slightly sad since Yifan's departure!" Baekhyun said, sitting up. Chanyeol's sat up as well and although Baekhyun couldn't see the boy's expression in the dark, he could tell the boy was angry. "You think that's how I ing feel? Happy? I hate it! You're the ones who expect me to be the goddamn happy virus! I'm going ing crazy and you think I don't care?! Well, you!" Chanyeol yelled, rambling, all of the pent up anger inside him being realized in those words. 

Baekhyun was shocked. "I didn't know." He replied dumbly. Chanyeol laughed bitterly. "How would you?" He replied. "I think it's partly my fault." Baekhyun confessed quickly. Chanyeol cocked his head. "What?" The boy asked, seeming confused. "Yifan leaving. I mean, I did say something pretty mean things to him. All of those comments, they must have somehow made him feel bad. I didn't mean to of course, but he must have taken them..." Baekhyun trailed off. Chanyeol sighed. "Don't be stupid, Baek. It wasn't your fault." Chanyeol said calmly, his deep voice comforting. Baekhyun was crying now. Thank god Chanyeol couldn't see. "How can you be so sure?" He asked, his voice slightly shaky. 

"Everyone knows you don't actually mean the things you say. Besides, they're not even rude or hurtful, in the first place; just playful banter." Chanyeol replied confidently. The way he said it so confidently made Baekhyun have second thoughts. "Really?" He asked. "Definitely. It wasn't your fault. Not even a bit." Chanyeol reassured. Baekhyun wiped away his tears quickly. "Thanks." He said. "It's okay." Chanyeol said softly. Baekhyun was just about to lay back down on the bed when he remembered something. "Hey, Yeol." He called out. "Yeah?" Chanyeol asked. "You don't have to be happy all of the time. At least around me, you can be sad. I don't mind." Baekhyun said quietly but firmly. Chanyeol didn't reply and Baekhyun was afraid he might have fallen asleep. 

"Chanyeol? Did you sleep already?" He asked. "No." Chanyeol's voice was soft. "Oh, good. Well, sleep now." Baekhyun said in response and layed down, snuggling up in the blanket. He was just about to drift off when he heard Chanyeol's voice. "Thanks. It means a lot." The boy's voice was deep and quiet, almost shy. 

"It's okay." Baekhyun replied, smiling slightly. Yifan hyung, it wasn't me. 

~

Kyungsoo couldn't sleep. He should have been able to. The schedule was exhausting and most members would sleep as soon as their head touched the pillow. So why couldn't he? Kyungsoo scoffed to himself. As if he didn't already know. Guilt. Guilt that he hadn't noticed what was going on until it was too late. Yifan hyung hadn't said anything. But Kyungsoo should have noticed. 

All the times he had spent having cups of tea with the older boy and talking to him late at night. He should have helped. He should have asked him. In truth, they didn't really talk that much. Their relationship hadn't been like that. Yifan and Kyungsoo would be quiet with each other and just enjoy each other's company because they both understood the need for peace in their hectic lives. Kyungsoo had been so happy to have someone he didn't have to talk to all the time. 

Before EXO, Kyungsoo had been quiet. With EXO, he had been forced to talk to people like Chanyeol and Baekhyun. He loved them both and considered them brothers (well, most of the time) but they talked too much. Truthfully, in real life, he probably wouldn't even have been friends with the two boys. They were just too different. Minseok hyung had been someone that Kyungsoo could be around but ever since Luhan and Minseok had gotten together, Minseok didn't have enough time to be with Kyungsoo. 

Kyungsoo had turned, then, to Yifan. Yifan was easy going and comfortable. He understood what Kyungsoo felt and when the younger boy wanted to talk and when he just wanted some peace and quiet. He was helpful and attentive without being too eager like Joonmyun or annoying like Zitao. He wasn't too bad at cooking as well and would help Kyungsoo without any complaint. 

Their relationship was relaxed and something that Kyungsoo took comfort in. He cherished the moments with Yifan where he could just unwind. He liked to think that Yifan thought the same. But the boy had left. Kyungsoo poured tea into a cup and sat down on the kitchen chair, staring blankly at the opposite side, where Yifan would usually sit. 

"Why didn't you say anything?" Kyungsoo said and although he had meant in a worried way, it came out sounding accusatory. He winced at himself and drank from the cup of tea. It was scalding hot. He yelped at the pain and setting his cup down, hurried to get a glass of cold water to soothe his tongue. When his tongue had cooled slightly, he sat back down. "I'm sorry." He spoke again. "I didn't know anything. I didn't realize anything." Kyungsoo said and this time, it came out the way he wanted it to. Heartfelt and truthful. 

I never got to say goodbye. I never got to say thank you. He sighed, staring up at the ceiling. He wanted to speak to the boy. Even if it was only for a few seconds. But he couldn't. He wasn't allowed to. He didn't even know where Yifan was. Kyungsoo wondered what the older boy was doing right now. Was he sleeping? Was he awake? Was he relieved? Was he upset? Did he miss the members?

Kyungsoo sighed and stood up. "Let's share a cup of tea one day. When this whole mess is over." Kyungsoo promised into the air, looking up as if he was talking to Yifan (the boy was a giant). Kyungsoo poured the remaining tea into the sink. He walked out of the kitchen and walked quietly up the stairs. He would go to bed now and sleep. He would finally sleep properly, for the first time since Yifan had left. 

~~~

Wow. 

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