Luhan wished that Xiumin would stop apologizing. Everytime Luhan complimented him or said something to the boy, Xiumin would always apologize. Luhan had told him over and over again to stop apologizing but he would never listen. 

He did feel upset, sometimes, when he thought about how cruelly Xiumin had given up on their relationship. He hadn't even thought about Luhan's feelings or what Luhan thought. He had just done it. And that realization hurt more than any other. But, Luhan couldn't remain angry at him. Not after everything they had been through. Luhan knew that Xiumin had given up any hope on their relationship. But Luhan hadn't. He still believed that they could be together. If only the manager left. That was the only thing that was stopping them. The one guy who spent an unhealthy amount of time watching Luhan and Xiumin, waiting for an action that was romantic or more than friendly. 

It was hard to control himself sometimes. When Xiumin would giggle, Luhan wanted to pinch his cheeks. When Xiumin danced to Christmas Day, Luhan wanted to well, you know. It was strange, as once again Xiumin's importance in Luhan's life was stressed. He knew that Xiumin was someone who he would be unable to live without but he never really realized the depth of his feelings until now, when he had lost it. 

It had been bearable when they weren't together romantically. Back when they were just friends. He hadn't realized what an amazing kisser Xiumin was or how nice the boy's neck smelled. He hadn't really known anything, honestly. But now he did. He knew Xiumin like the back of his hand. Actually, better than the back of his hand. No one really knew the back of their hand well. 

Is it better to have never loved or to have loved and lost? Luhan believed that it was to have loved and lost. Because when you had loved someone, their loss was so much more painful. Everything that you had built with them crumbles away and all that remains are painful reminders of him and his loving gaze. Most of the time, Xiumin didn't even glance at Luhan. All he did was gaze downwards, his head bowed down in shame whenever Luhan would come into the room. It was annoying. 

Luhan wanted to be able to laugh freely with Xiumin when Baekhyun made a joke. He wanted to be next to Xiumin comforting Sehun after he got scolded by his hyungs (aka Suho). He wanted to make faces with Xiumin when Tao acted like a diva. He just wanted to be there, with Xiumin. 

~

Their MID era was strangely befitting of the circumstances. Luhan wasn't an idiot. He knew that their relationship ending had an effect on the other members as well. They had all gotten a reality check, of sorts. The glamour and excitement of idol life had disappeared under the stress and difficulties they faced on a day to day basis. Endless practices and diets swamped their time and energy, and for what? A few precious moments of exhilaration on stage? These days, it didn't seem like enough. Nothing did. 

Maybe it was selfish and ungrateful for him to think like that, but he couldn't help it. Between the manager watching him and Xiumin avoiding him, he felt exhausted. He wanted to hold onto Xiumin, to cuddle with him, to have a movie marathon, to eat until their stomachs were swollen; to be free. 

But there was no point in thinking that. And so Luhan would dance and sing diligently, but without any true feeling. Without any passion. He just hoped the fans didn't notice. 

~

"Sing it again." the vocal coach said. Luhan sang the first few lines of Miracles in December again, his voice awkward and apathic even to himself. The vocal coach winced, putting down his headphones. They were in the recording studio and recording 'Miracles in December' again. Luhan wasn't too sure why. "What's wrong with you?" the vocal coach asked finally, his head in his hands. Luhan shifted his feet. "What do you mean?" He asked. The vocal coach glanced up, his face filled with frustration. "Your voice, it has no passion. You're supposed to sound sad, devastated! You've lost your girlfriend!" The vocal coach let out, throwing the lyric sheet on the table angrily. Luhan flinched at the rough action. "But I haven't lost a girlfriend." He protested. The vocal coach sighed. "Haven't you lost anyone? A relative, a friend? Someone who meant a lot to you?" The vocal coach asked exasperatedly. 

Xiumin. 

"Let me try once more please." Luhan said, putting the headphones on. The vocal coash sighed disbelievingly and his hand reached the switch. "Okay, here we go, again." The vocal coach rolled his eyes and pressed on the button. The opening chords filled Luhan's ears and he closed his eyes. Xiumin. Xiumin. Xiumin. Minseok. Minseok. Minseok. Luhan sang softly, his voice full of longing and despair. It was short but felt much longer. When the music stopped, he stopped singing and glanced up. All he could think about was Minseok's expression when the boy had broken it off. The manager had a pleased smile on his face. "Hey, I think you're getting the hang of it. Whatever you're thinking of, keep on doing it!" He encouraged. 

Luhan nodded. Thinking about Xiumin, he thought with a smirk, that shouldn't be too difficult. 

~

They were having bonding time again. Suho had picked the movie this time, a sappy romantic comedy. Luhan was seated next to Sehun and Lay. Xiumin was sat next to Baekhyun, at the end. The manager had insisted on watching it with them and no one could say anything to that. It made things extremely awkward, as usual. Even Chanyeol's reactions to the jokes weren't normal; usually when Chanyeol laughed, he would look like he was having a seizure but today, the boy's laughs were awkward and half-hearted. Chen's cackles sounded sweet and shy and Tao's girly squeals weren't even heard, despite the jokes being quite funny. The only one unaffected by any of this was the manager, who was laughing his head off at the jokes. 

When the manager laughed during one of the sadder scenes, Kris got up and stormed to his bedroom without glancing back. "Yifan!" Suho yelled after him but the boy ignored him. Suho got up but was stopped by D.O., who shook his head. "Let him be." The boy said wisely. Suho reluctantly nodded and sat down heavily. Tao sighed. The manager smirked a bit, Luhan saw it and when they made eye contact, the manager's smirk broadened. Luhan turned away in anger. He wished he could go away like Kris. 

And so he did. He got up. "I'm tired. I think I'll skip the ending." Luhan said, pretending to yawn. Suho saw through the facade, everyone did, but nodded anyway, his face disappointed from the failed bonding time. Luhan walked up the stairs, trying to be as quiet as possible. He was about to go to his room but at the last moment, when into Kris's. The boy was laid out on the bed, his eyes closed, headphones in. "Yifan." He called out. Kris opened an eye and seeing Luhan, got up. "I'm not going back down." Kris said curtly. Luhan rolled his eyes, sitting on the bed. "Me neither." He informed. Kris visibly relaxed, realizing Luhan wasn't here to take him back to 'bonding time'. "So, how are you doing?" Kris asked in Mandarin, a bit awkwardly. Luhan rolled his eyes again. "I'm fine. I wish people would stop asking me that." Luhan sighed, replying in Mandarin. Kris furrowed his princely eyebrows. "Bull." He stated simply. Luhan glanced at him. "Alright, I'm not fine. But what difference does it make?" Luhan retorted. Kris raised an eyebrow. "It makes a difference to everyone who cares about you." Kris replied. 

Luhan didn't know how to respond to that. Kris sighed. "You know, Minseok was worried about you. I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but the boy has been asking about you to nearly everyone. How is Luhan? Is he eating? How was the vocal lesson? Did he get scolded? You comforted him, didn't you?" Kris said, his voice going higher as he imitated Xiumin. Luhan couldn't help but smile at the thought of Xiumin caring about him but the sighed, his smile falling. "If he cares, why doesn't he ask me himself?" Luhan wondered. 

"I think, I think he may be ashamed." Kris thought out loud. Luhan turned to him. "But he has no reason to be!" Luhan protested. Kris held up his hands. "I know. But, he can't help it. It's in his nature. And shame is a feeling worse than sadness or love or hate, in my opinion." Kris said, the last part with a darker expression. Luhan looked at Kris. "Are you saying that from experience?" He asked the tall boy. Kris just sighed in reply, his expression becoming neutral. "Never mind." He said. 

Luhan got closer to him. "Dude, what's wrong?" He asked Kris. Kris bit his lip, seeming to contemplate whether to speak or not. "Go on." Luhan urged. Kris sighed. "I just, I don't really feel satisfied. With this. You know, with this life." Kris confessed, stuttering over the words nervously. Luhan's eyes widened. "What?" He asked dumbly. "It's just, I miss my family. I miss my old life. I miss the freedom. I don't enjoy this, performing out there. And the only reason I even go on is because of the members. That idiotic Suho and his eagerness to succeed, that foolish Tao with his childlike innocence. Forgetful Lay, who is so damn grateful despite not being acknowledged most of the time. I don't want to disappoint them." Kris rambled on before coming to a stop and his next words were spoken softly and lovingly. "But they're my brothers. How can I leave them?" Kris bowed his head. 

Luhan reached out a hand and patted the tall boy's back. "I know how you feel." Luhan admitted. "I've kind of been having the same thoughts recently." Kris's head shot up. "Really?" Luhan nodded. "Yeah. I hate the contract and the way it binds us. No food, no visiting you family, listen to us, do this, sing, dance. Everything about it. It makes me feel like, like," "Like you're not human." Kris finished softly. Luhan nodded. "Yeah." They both sighed simultaneously. 

"You're not actually going to leave though, right?" Luhan asked after a while. Kris sighed. "I don't know. I might." Kris said softly. Luhan shook his head. "But you can't." Luhan protested. Kris glanced at him in confusion. "But you think the same way." The boy pointed out. "Yeah, but thinking something and doing it are two different things." Luhan argued back. Kris just glanced back at him in silence. "What's keeping me here right now are the members." Kris finally spoke up. He gazed directly at Luhan then, his stare piercing. "But you, you're only staying here because of Minseok, right?" 

~

It was later. They were eating dinner with a *ahem* guest. The manager sat on Kris's chair, forcing the tall boy to sit on a spair stool. Kai had offered to switch seats with Kris, claiming he didn't mind where he sat but Kris had refused. Luhan was pretty sure that managers weren't meant to eat with idols but again, no one spoke up and they sat in silence, only talking to ask to pass something. Xiumin was seated next to Chen and Baekhyun. Luhan was sat with Chanyeol.

When the doorbell rang, it was welcomed, a distraction from the heavy silence that hung above them. Kai scrambled out of his seat and hurried to open the door, being the closest. When he opened it, an angry manager stepped into view. "Where is he?" the angry dude asked, coming into the room. When he spotted the y manager eating with them, his eyes widened. "What the are you doing?" He nearly growled in anger. The y manager was startled and hastily got up. "I was just, uh, just-" The manager stuttured. It was rather satisfying. "Shut up, I don't want to hear any stupid excuses. We need you to go with Leeteuk, their normal manager is sick. The boy is hosting an event in Busan. You'll be back by tomorrow afternoon." The angry dude manager said bluntly. 

Luhan couldn't believe their luck. Almost an entire day without that face. Oh my god, the freedom. He could-Xiumin. He could be with Xiumin. Luhan was caught up in frantic thoughts of what to do and didn't even notice the managers leave. He was only broken from his thoughts when Sehun gave a cheer. "Finally!" The maknae said stretching. "Shh! They might still be outside." Suho chastised but his smile gave away his true feelings. 

"Who cares?" Tao joined in. "Let's watch a horror movie!" Kai said eagerly. The maknae line ran back to the couch. D.O. watched them with amusement. "A thousand won that Tao will cry." He bet with Baekhyun. Baekhyun shook his head. "No way. I'm not wasting my money." He replied with a cheeky smile. Chanyeol nudged the boy. "Wanna play video games with me and Chen?" He asked. Baekhyun nodded eagerly and the beagle line left. D.O. turned to Kris. "You want to join me for some tea?" The boy asked. Kris nodded. "Sure." "I'll come as well." Suho spoke up. "Me too." Lay added. The 4 of them left. Which meant that it was only Xiumin and him. 

"I'm just going to-" Xiumin was interrupted by Luhan. "No. You're going to come with me." Luhan said and he grabbed Xiumin's hand, relishing Xiumin's shocked expression as he stared at Luhan properly. Luhan led him to his bedroom and Xiumin followed him silently. Once they were inside, Luhan turned to Xiumin. "I love you." He said. Xiumin's eyes widened. "Luhan-" "And you love me." Luhan continued. "Why can't we be together?" Xiumin shook his head. "You know why." He replied. 

"Who cares?" Luhan let out stepping closer to Xiumin. Xiumin's eyes widened. "Because I don't. All I want is to be with you. the manager. everything." He said, taking a step closer to the older boy with each sentence. Soon, he had Xiumin cornered. "I can't risk being kicked out of EXO. And I won't leave EXO. Would you?" Xiumin accused. Luhan replied by kissing him. 

And it was beautiful. Their lips greeted each other like long lost lovers and Xiumin's lips tasted the same, his tongue was the same, his teeth the same. Everything was the same. When they broke apart, Xiumin had a look of regret on his face. Luhan groaned. "Don't." He said. Xiumin opened his mouth. Luhan clamped his hand over it. "No. For tonight, don't speak. Just let me have something. Some sort of.... closure." He spat out the word. Xiumin raised an eyebrow. "Closure?" He asked. "Closure." Luhan lied. Xiumin looked doubtful. 

Luhan distracted him with kisses. 

~

It was later at night, when they were lying together, wrapped up together, that Xiumin spoke up. "That wasn't closure." Xiumin said. Luhan smiled. "Of course not." He replied easily. Xiumin glanced at him. "I hate it, you know." Xiumin notified. Luhan raised an eyebrow. "What do you hate?" He asked. "How I would do anything for you. If you asked me to jump off a cliff, if you asked me to strip , if you asked me to murder.. I would probably do it." Xiumin said, his tone scared. Luhan looked at him thoughtfully. "Everything but leave EXO." He couldn't help but say. Xiumin winced. "Yeah, but that's not my choice. That's for my family. Besides, why all this talk of leaving EXO? Are you going to?" Xiumin's voice was casual and light but it was forced, Luhan could tell. He didn't want to reply. Because if he replied, he would have to lie. Whether he said yes or no, it would be a lie. He didn't know. 

Xiumin turned to him in alarm when no reply came. "Luhan? Are you?" Xiumin asked with a panicky voice. Luhan closed his eyes. "I would have left for you." He said softly, avoiding the question. "Luhan! Answer me." Xiumin pleaded. Luhan shook his head. "I can't." He said quietly. Xiumin froze then. "No." The boy said simply before burying his head in the crook of Luhan's neck. Luhan hugged the boy, bringing him near. 

~

When they were almost asleep, Xiumin spoke up again. "I love you too." 

Luhan hadn't slept that well in ages. 

~~~

AAAAAH 

i hate school 

and my mom she is so ugh

dude legit the only negative adjective i know is 'ugh' 

lol so sad

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BYE!