Hello,

It’s been quite a long time since I last wrote.

Whenever I see the others furiously scribbling in their own journals, I feel extremely guilty for not writing in you as much. How do they even remember to make time to write so often? Should I set an alarm each day that says “Time to write about your day”?

But…my days are so random that I have no clue when I could actually sit down and write. There is so much I have to focus on.

I mean, I am still with Siwon and those precious times we spend together are little spaces of time in between our busy schedules. Also, when I do have free time, I spend it focusing on controlling my feelings towards that man so that I don’t smother him.

Our drama we were filming together has ended already and from there our careers took off in different directions.

I received a couple of other drama proposals and a handful of commercial endorsements. Siwon, on the other hand, has other work. He meets with all of the people that support him (fans and others), hangs out with extremely rich family, and attends countless parties all across the world.

Recently, he was taken to Japan due to business. And for some odd reason, Eunhyuk and Donghae tagged along. While the three were gone, Sungmin and Kyuhyun were busy with their own little worlds which meant that I was left on my own at the empty apartment.

Now that I think about it more, I think I would have felt just as lonely even if it was just Siwon who went to Japan. Even if I was surrounded by the others.

If only my schedule didn’t interfere.

If only Siwon offered to bring me along.

It would have been a great getaway.

And! Eunhyuk and Donghae already went to Japan, right? I even talked about it in my last entry!

I mean…it did happen a while ago, but why did they go this time? Did they not like my last plot idea? Did they want me to create an even better one? Or at least another plot?

Well, even if they didn’t want me to, then too bad. Because I did. I created a small little one about the six of us in this apartment, based off our own love stories.

Basically, there were these six guys all rooming together. They were all connected in some way, shape, or form. Each one had a life of their own and was headed on different paths.

For the first couple, Anchovy and Fish, their love story was only a chance encounter. Fish was heartbroken from losing the girl he loved for a long time and his life was put at a standstill. He couldn’t move forward and it was too painful to look back. As for Anchovy, he wasn’t really thinking of much. He just dealt with what came his way and didn’t think anything of it.

When Fish’s friends got tired of his mopey , they left him stranded, forcing him to take up the opportunity to live in the apartment. Upon the pair’s first meeting, a friendship quickly starts through their love of random things. Before we know it, Fish is brighter and he finally moves forward with his life all by the help of Anchovy. But the drama that ensues with them is that they don’t understand the fact that they complete each other. They don’t even see the love that develops between them.

Once Fish does see the love, though, he tries his best to push Anchovy away for fear of heartbreak. And they just happen to realize this love for the first time when they head to Japan with another person from the apartment. Because of this, Fish refuses to stay at the apartment when they come back. In fact, he spends days at his father’s grave, thinking it through on his own. A couple of weeks pass and he’s back in Anchovy’s arms, their love as bright as the sun.

Now, the second couple is that of the person that took Anchovy and Fish to Japan and his lover—Veteran and Rookie. Veteran was a man who had everything. Money? Had a tree of it growing in his backyard. Love? There wasn’t a single soul who wouldn’t fall at his feet, overflowing with love for him. Fame? Came as a packaged deal with love. In all actuality, he was a veteran in the field of acting and everyone loved him. In everyone else’s eyes, he lacked nothing. But the man himself felt like there was a piece to the puzzle missing. A very important piece.

Meanwhile, his lover—or Rookie—was slightly the opposite. He never did anything to stand out and was merely at the beginning of his acting career. No one knew who he was, and he was suffering the loss of someone important because he chose to chase his dreams. Due to this sacrifice, Rookie was lonelier than ever and felt inferior to everyone around him.

The moment the two began to room together, Rookie realized that he wasn’t alone and had someone to look up to, someone he could love. And he did love Veteran. He loved Veteran deeper than he could possibly imagine. And Veteran grew to love him back. With this, Rookie began to feel complete. So complete that it was hard to even let his man leave to Japan for a short trip. While Veteran was gone, he remembered his loneliness and yearned for his lover each night. With the yearning came a gross monster called insecurity.

During the time apart, Veteran didn’t answer the calls Rookie made nor did he make a single call. Through such silence, Rookie began to worry that Veteran really didn’t love him as much. Maybe he was just pretending for the sake of Rookie’s fragile heart. And he grew so insecure that he didn’t greet Veteran on his return. Instead, he stayed with his friends until Veteran started to grow frantic about where Rookie could possibly be.

Right as Rookie leaves his friends for the night, he runs into Veteran who kisses him hard and blurts all the right words. It was then made known that Veteran realized what he was missing all his life. He was missing someone to love him so deeply that he couldn’t love them any less. To have someone he wanted to give everything in the universe to no matter how hard they refused. And that one person was none other than Rookie himself.

Last but not least, the third pairing.

These two go by the name of the snarky prince and the beautiful pauper. They don’t have too much of a love story.

There are times when they have extreme chemistry, but it then fades. With this rollercoaster, it makes one question whether it’s simply a friendship with a strong connection or something more than that.

Anyway, the snarky prince comes from a grand background full of riches. His father wanted him to take over his wonderful kingdom, but the prince refused. Thus, he was kicked out and felt wronged by the entire world.

The beautiful pauper came from a rather different background. He was a hard worker that did his best to make a living in this harsh world. Because of his preferences towards harsh things and sensitive personality, he was discriminated against and constantly lost jobs. Before he knew it, jobs were harder to find and he lost the roof over his head.

After the two became roommates, they found out that they were also co-workers that would spend almost every minute of their day with each other. Sure, there were small fights that occurred between them but they would easily make up and be just as close as they were before.

When the time came for Veteran, Fish, and Anchovy to head to Japan, the snarky prince acquired a girlfriend that demanded most of his attention. Confused by the feelings of abandonment swirling inside of him, the beautiful pauper tried to fill the new black hole. It wasn’t long until the poor man came to understand that he loved his friend, and he fell into a depressed stupor. The snarky prince quickly caught onto his friend’s shift in mood and tried his best to console him. But nothing would work. So, the snarky prince took more time to figure out his dear pauper. Because of the lack of attention, his girlfriend broke things off, letting the snarky prince pay full attention to his friend. With the amount of time that was spent with the prince, the beautiful pauper cheered up and the two went to get ice cream and play StarCraft.

Truthfully, this was a horrid drama plot. I just came up with it as I wrote.

And Siwon didn’t say those things. No, he left me to drown in my insecurities.

He didn’t call during his trip, and he was passed out when I came back home. When morning came, he went back to his usual self and I didn’t dare to ask.

Although it’s slightly painful, I try my best to distance myself. If he doesn’t love me as much, I’ll have to learn how to control my feelings and actions towards him.

I can’t constantly force my love upon him if he doesn’t want to love me that much in return.

Ah…my heart hurts…

Also, it’s time for me to go.

Heechul is being released from the army quite soon.

That means that we need to plan. We need to plan big.

So, next time I promise to give you an actual update of what I’m feeling instead of a scripted “drama plot” of my fantasies.

Thank you for being constant. At least you’re the only one that hasn’t changed in my life.

…

Until next time!

…

~Drowning in a sea of insecurities~

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A/N: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyy readers! :D 

I'm back! From the dead! Haha, just kidding. I wasn't dead. I was just...focusing on other things...*sigh* I think I've found my actual ultimate bias guys...and it was an unwilling occurrence. I think the other 'ultimate biases" were merely stepping stones for me to get where I'm at. >< I mean, first it was Junsu...then Siwon...then Siwon...then someone punched me in the face and said "Look here! You're going to be biased to me and that's it. You can't fight against it...muahahahahahaha" And I did fight. I fought HARD! I didn't want to be taken captive, guys! I really didn't want it! But it happened against my will...

Can you guess who took me by the ears and chained me to him? ><

...

Changmin...

FREAKING CHANGMIN! Of all people! (Not like he's a bad person...I do love him...but still) It was unexpected. Seriously.

Soooo that's why I haven't been writing much to this and focusing on my other stories.

But then I got a review to one (because I requested it) and it was a depressing review...>< 

And now I'm focusing on one story...

And I just came across my plan for this story that I had hidden somewhere in my room! :D So I think I'll work on this more along with my one story. 

Let's hope my resolve stays this way~

Also! Did you notice that I really neglect Kibum? He has like 3 less entries than all of the others! I'm so so sooooooooooooo sorry Kibum-ah! Really! *hugs*

Anyways, to the readers that have been with me through my absence, I love you and always will! I miss you all~ *showers everyone with love* ^^;