Hello,

I don’t exactly know what to call you. Do I call you “Diary” like the others? It just doesn’t sound right… Should I call you “Journal” as if I’m trying to sound slightly sophisticated? I don’t think that I want to come across that way since I’m probably nowhere close to being sophisticated. Well, since I don’t know just yet, I should wait until I come up with something. I think that’s the best choice at the very least.

I’m sorry because I’ve never done this—writing in a diary/journal/book about my feelings. Sei Hee, my younger sister, brought one home one time in America and would write in it religiously. I know that boys thought that diaries were what girls used. Boys didn’t/don’t need to get their feelings out with writing. But why do girls write in them all the time as if their life depended on it? Is it because writing your thoughts down makes the hardships in life a bit easier to handle? If so, then why didn’t I ever think of trying that before? Why didn’t I go against the grain and write in one?

You see, I can’t really explain much about my past. Actually, it’s more like I don’t really want to release too much about it. However, I do know that if writing your thoughts down would help you manage through life, then I would have needed it right away. Let’s just say that after I came back from living in America, things got tough. It grew harder and harder to pay for things, and I’ve experienced stuff I didn’t want to experience. There were times where I could barely pull myself out of those situations. I was grasping for a way to get out like a person’s lungs grasping for air when they stayed under water longer than they probably should have. I guess my hardships are one of the few reasons why I’m so quiet—aside from the fact that I’ve always been naturally quiet, that is.

For the first hardship I was forced to endure, I tried resulting to alcohol. But I take my alcohol well, just like my father, which meant that it was harder for me to escape from the harsh reality. I gave that up without a second thought and just pushed through.

There were nights when I would be on the street, huddling in the cold, dreaming of the day when I could become a majorly famous actor and be able to send for my family who were probably still in America. Truthfully, I haven’t seen my family since America. That’s like what? Around seven years? That’s quite a long time to go without seeing your family at least once.

After a while of dealing with the tough, I decided that I wanted to find a way to get out of the constant bad, so I focused on my lifelong dream: acting. When I was performing in the middle of Hongdae with a group of other people, a recruiter found me. I later found out that he noticed that my reactions were performed flawlessly, and he wanted to see what it was like if I was put through the correct schooling. After a snap, crackle and a pop, I ended up walking through the apartment’s front door, key in hand.

This place is so warm considering that it’s the first actual roof over my head. (I mean I did sleep in places with roofs, but I always had to leave the next day. I do know, though, that I won’t need to leave this place so soon.)

Yet, I’m slightly afraid that I might grow too attached to the warmth. I need to be cautious of what I accept when it comes to living here and being in the presence of these five men.

While I’m here, I do want to use this opportunity of stability to find my family again. I miss them. My heart is suffering without them. I wonder what they—I think I should stop this before it gets worse. I can feel the burn in my throat and my eyes are threatening to water…I need to stop, like now! I can’t cry…

Thank goodness I’m writing within the confinements of my room. Then again, I don’t want Siwon to walk in while even one tear slips out. (He’s my roommate if you didn’t know already.)

I should focus on something else…but…what? What should I focus on? Accomplishments?

Well, I finally scored a drama, but that’s about it, I think. And I guess my roommate is also a character in it. Want to know what I’m the most proud of for such an accomplishment? For being as inexperienced as I am in acting, I received the second lead position. The drama isn’t even low budget, it has really talented—and experienced—actors and actresses.

I’m worried that I might not be able to keep up the repetition of the other actors and actresses. Siwon is probably one of the best within our company, and I’ll be working alongside him. I will most likely be the one in charge of highlighting his skills so that his image doesn’t get ruined. I don’t want to mess anything up.

I will put this in writing so that I will make sure that I will complete this: Once I am able to, I will put my all—and even more—into this drama. I will not allow myself be the cause of it being ruined. If I don’t put my all into this drama, then I will force myself to leave this place. I will also not allow myself to stay in the acting industry if I fail. Heed my word.

Of topic, but I have a question: Is it weird that I find Siwon utterly perfect? Everything about him, his acting, his caring personality, his looks, his muscles, and his voice, just everything is perfect. I don’t know why I’m noticing it, but whenever he moves, I just can’t stop thinking about how perfect he is. It’s mesmerizing. No wonder he does so well as an actor. I kind of feel inferior for being his roommate and co-worker. I wonder what else he’ll make me feel inferior for…everything?

I should probably go now, Sungmin finished cooking, and Siwon is wanting everyone to eat together for the first night. We’re going to have some kind of party for all of us together, or something of that sort. Hopefully Eunhyuk shows up soon, or else Siwon’s ideas will go down the drain. I don’t want that perfection to end up sad as well. Goodnight!

~Still Trying to Figure Out Your Name~