Diary…

I am ashamed of myself… Look at me, I’m a mess. I let my friends convince me to drink, when no one in my life has ever been able to succeed in such a feat. Even during my previous loss, the thought didn’t occur to me. That’s because I promised Father that I would never ever drink.

But here I am, hungover…

I’d like to say it wasn’t my fault, yet it was. It was definitely my fault. I shouldn’t have let that girl into my heart. She pried my heart out of my chest, tore it to pieces, threw it to the ground and stomped all over it. Do you know how painful that is? Aish…everything hurts.

….

Sorry, I-I just can’t handle this anymore…I haven’t been able to handle anything ever since I was sent into this dispair. I’m so lonely, Diary. I can’t even contact my family since they loved the girl so much. It would be heartbreaking for them, which would mean that I would be heartbroken even more than I am now.

Yunho just called, Diary, I might have to talk to him. But do I have to? My head is raging, my heart is shattered, and now my friend who was against me drinking is coming over to visit. I wish I listened to him. I’ve been so enveloped in my own feelings of ruin that I didn’t even care to think about the consequences.

Supposedly when I was drinking, my friends disappeared once I got too drunk. What kind friends…

I guess I continued drinking—I can’t remember. When I got to the point where I crashed to the floor and began sobbing rather loudly, Mr. Soo Man found me and took me to this apartment where I’m staying. Since it wasn’t a familiar place, I couldn’t sleep, even when I was as drunk as I was. It was an agony filled night, Diary.

Truthfully, I can’t really remember everything from the time I sat down at the restaurant to the time I was set on the bed here in the apartment. What I revealed to you was a story relayed to me by the first person who lived here.

In the middle of the night, my throat grew so parched that I felt like I would die if I didn’t get a glass of water. So there I was, fumbling around in my drunken state, wondering where the cups were held, until I grew so frustrated that I fell to the ground and sobbed heavily. During that time, a man shuffled into the kitchen, rubbing at his eyes. Maybe it was because of my apparent misery, but the man got me the water and sat with me the entire night.

It’s hard to think much about the man, or any of the others because when I think, my head hurts and my mind goes fuzzy. I think I still have alcohol in me. Father must be so ashamed, and I know for a fact that won’t do it again. Shame him once, and all goes downhill. Shame him twice, and I don't deserve to be considered his son.

The funny thing about this entire predicament is that all I know about the people here is the order in which they arrived. Eunhyuk (the man who consoled me) said that I was the first--excluding him--to arrive. Since I couldn’t sleep, I was there when Kibum walked into the house in confusion around four in the morning. A few hours later, he was followed by Kyuhyun who strode inside the apartment with a pompous air about him as if he had conquered Earth and would rule it without mercy. Around noon the last two arrived at the same time. It was funny to see a scrawny person enter behind a tall, heavily built man. Aside from that—ah! Yunho’s here! I’ll be right back!

Alright, my heart feels a bit at ease. My friend finally consoled me like I had needed. Maybe he isn’t as stonehearted as I used to think he was. I don’t think I’m as alone as I was feeling. I am surrounded by five other guys after all. How can one be lonely after that? Also, after the scrawny person, Sungmin, finished writing in his own disgustingly pink diary, he concocted something to help my hangover. Why is it lasting this long? I don’t think I like alcohol…

I forgot about what Yunho did, Diary! You’ll be shocked too! He told those in this place about my problems that I've endured! The manly one wanted to talk and comfort me, and Sungmin began to cry. I think he’s going to be someone who cries just as easily as I do. Kibum wasn’t talking, but he was still there staring at me with those sad, childish eyes. It was kind of unnerving, but after listening to Siwon’s sweet words and having him pray over me was probably the best feeling. This all happened after Yunho left since his lover instantly called him up for help, of course.

Although I’m still not happy, and still unsure about how to deal without my girl her, I think it might be easier now that my housemates know about the pain I’m going through. I wonder if the others are going through something tough. Maybe Mr. Soo Man pulled us all into this apartment because we all had something wrong happen to us. Were we all homeless? I was squatting at my friends’ houses since I wouldn’t dare go back to the apartment I once shared with the girl.

Aish, no more! How many days have I been in despair? A month? I need to cheer up, it’s getting exhaustive. Siwon’s prayer is probably helping me a bit more. I think I might go visit my father’s grave tomorrow to talk to him a bit more about this problem.

I sure hope that tonight will be better, Diary. Hopefully I can mentally accept this as my house now and be able to sleep all the way through the night. That would be nice.

I will keep you updated, Diary. I sure wish that things will look up for the better. I just need to get that girl out of my heart. From all that she’s done, she doesn’t deserve to be there. She doesn’t deserve to even float about my mind at the moment.

Anyways, I love you, Diary. Don’t ever leave.

~Trying to Change My Heart~