I woke up with a huge pain in my lower region. I knew I was going to be in pain the next morning but I didn’t think it would hurt so bad. My whole body screams in pain by the slightest movement I make. I bite my lower lip and slowly got out of bed, Yongguk is still sleeping and I’m glad I don’t have to talk to him, yet. I grab my clothing and walk out the room to the attic. By the time I reach the attic I’m already in tears. It’s not because my body hurt, but because I feel disgusted by myself. When I reach the bathroom I turn on the water and just stand there. My tears get mixed with the water and eventually I break down completely. I felt dirty and no matter how much I scrubbed myself the feeling wouldn’t go away. I don’t know how long I was in the shower, but it wasn’t long enough to make me feel better. I changed into whatever could cover most of my skin and walked downstairs. Yongguk was in the kitchen drinking coffee and eating toast, it took him a while to notice I was standing there and when he did he had a bored expression on his face. The feeling of disgust just grew within me.

"We need to talk, about what you said at night"

"No. You got what you wanted, so stop acting like you care. You can leave me alone now"
I didn’t want to look at him so I walked away and grabbed the car keys.

"What I wanted? what are you.... No. Hwayoung you misunderstood, that’s not why I…... I didn’t just want to do THAT with you I-"

"Then what else do you want?!? What more do you want if I gave you EVERYTHING I had left. I even gave you the most precious thing to me, and you want more? You destroyed all of me. There is nothing more I can give you."
I guess I looked like a mess right now because Yongguk looked so confused, and hurt? I took a good look at me and looked away. I waited for him to say something, anything. Maybe apologize for being an , but not a sound left his lips. Instead he walked closer to me and tried to hold my hand. But before he could reach me the door opened and all of our friends walked in, we’ll all but EXO.

"NOOONAAA I MISSED YOU”.
Zelo back hugged me but I pushed him away from me. "Noona? Is something wrong? Hyung?"
Yongguk and I didn’t say anything just started at each other with broken hearts. The others noticed our pain expressions but didn’t say a thing.

"I’m going out, don’t wait for me"

"Cousin what's wrong?"

Jongup tries to touch me but I just stepped away from him and walked out the house without saying anything to them. I heard footsteps behind me but just ignored them. I got inside the car and saw lily walk to the passenger side. I waited for her to get in before turning on the car and driving away. We didn't talk, only the radio could be heard. It was a surprise that lily didn't ask any questions, she was always the first person to notice when something is wrong and she is also the first to ask a question. 

I parked the car in an old playground.  I've never been here before, but Hyoyoung use to tell me a lot about this place. How it was always empty, she said it's as lonely as she felt when we couldn't talk to each other. The playground looks so old and rusty, it's obvious that it hasn't been used in many years. 

"Hwayoung? What's wrong? You look, depressed. What happened? "

I didn’t want to see her expression; I didn't want to see how she would judge me. "I slept with Yongguk."
I didn’t hear anything from her, not right away.

"You-. Did he force you?"

I couldn’t help but laugh a bit. "He didn’t me. I realized that the only reason he had change was because he thinks Hyoyoung has changed. He doesn’t feel sorry for anything that he has done. He had done everything that made him look good so I could get along with him. So he could get in my pants, so I decided to just get it over with and move on."

"Get it over with and move on? That isn’t the way to give yourself to someone. You gave him your-"

"This isn’t a fairy tail. Most girl sell themselves and the price is even higher if they are untouched. Yongguk and I are married, so doing 'it' without wanting to doesn’t matter, it doesn’t even mean anything."

"Omg do you hear yourself right now? I know life isn’t a fairy tail but whenever you give someone something as special as your first time it should matter and it should be something special. Hwayoung I know that Yongguk and you don’t really have a good history and I know it’s hard being with the guy responsible for your sister’s condition, but I also know that you love him and that he loves you. His actions towards you show that and-"

"The only reason he has been doing the things that he has been doing is because not many people at school see me as the nerd. He only shows everyone that he likes me because I’m not a nerd. If I still was he would be insulting me at school and doing all the that he had done to my sister for many years."

"Okay, first of all you were never the nerd, everyone thinks you were the nerd because you didn’t tell anyone that you are Hwayoung not Hyoyoung."

"whatever. We should be heading back. EXO is gonna show up and I want to see LH"
Lily didn’t argue with me, we both walked silently back to the car and drove in silence, again.

YONGGUK:

As soon as Hwayoung and lily left the guys started throwing questions at me. I didn’t have to tell them that I ed up, I'm sure they figured that out. 

" hyung, what did you do to my cousin?"

" hyung? did you hurt noona again?"

"I didn’t mean to. I swear I didn’t" 
Tears started rolling down my face I couldn’t stop them.
“Jongup, you’re her cousin. Did you know that the reason she didn’t show up to school for a whole month was because she was hospitalized after trying to commit suicide?"

"What, I didn’t know?"

"Hyung. How did you find out?"

"Zelo? you knew?"

"it took a while for noona to tell me. she made me promise not to tell anyone, and Yongnam told me the same thing"

"My brother knew?"

"Yea. He found out the day he came to Korea. Hyung, there’s more to this story but I’m not the one that should tell you. Have patience and wait for noona to open up to you."

As soon as he finished talking Hwayoung and lily came back. Hwayoung went straight to our room. Lily got her bag and walked out, the guys gave me a pat on the back and followed her. I honestly don’t know what to do, nothing I do will ever give me Hwayoung’s forgiveness and I was scared of losing her more than I already have.

I need someone to help me because even I want to kill the person I use to be. 

I want to go and beg for her forgiveness but it would be better if I give her some space. I take a shaky breath and cover my face with my hands as the tears continue where they left off

Its been about  months since i last updated and im so sorry

im horrible i know

well now i have more time so hopefully i will bw able to update more. I dont know ho many more chapters are left but when i think the story will be about to end i wil say somethig

 Thanks for waiting for me :'D