Ignoring that he had two arms grabbing his body, leaving him to lose control of the situation, Taemin’s first words were, “How drunk are you?”

“I don’t know…” The younger boy slurred as he laid Taemin down on the bed, fingers digging into the blonde’s thighs, parting them.

“Jongin, I’m not going to have with you.”

“You are if you want me to come to your wedding…”

Glaring at Jongin, Taemin sat up, closing the distance physically, but pulling open a chasm when it came to emotionally. “I decided that I don’t want you to come anyways, so I guess I don’t need to use my body as a bargaining chip.”

“Taemin, I love you so much… Why do you hate me?”

“I don’t hate you. I just don’t love you the way you love me.”

“Th-then I’ll go have with someone else.” The younger boy threatened.

“Don’t do that.” Taemin sighed. What was the use trying to reason with a drunk?

“You don’t love me, so I’ll find someone else!” Jongin argued, his head sinking further and further between the elder’s thighs.

“Like hell you will with your head between my legs. Can we talk? Can we have an adult conversation?”

“Adults …”

“I’ll give you a reward if you have a proper talk with me. A really good, consensual reward.”

Catching the younger boy’s attention, Jongin looked up. “What is it?”

“That’s a secret. It won’t be a waste of your time though.”

Slowly nodding, Jongin got up and stumbled across the room, turning the lights on and blinding both of them.

Going back to the blonde, Jongin sat down beside him, staring at the floor, shamelessly leaving himself exposed only for Taemin to find the boy’s briefs and help him into them. “What… do you want to talk about?”

“All I want is a reason for you not attending my wedding. A really good, meaningful reason. I don’t want to hear that it’s because your friend is having a party. If that’s really it, then I genuinely want you to never ever again call yourself my friend. I don’t want you to talk to me, or look at me, or do anything near me unless completely unavoidable.”

Jongin snorted, resting his elbows on his thighs and burying his face in his palms. “Are you really this stupid Taemin? Are you really that dense and ignorant?”

“I guess.”

Shaking his head, the younger tried fighting the eyes that burned and the eyelids that refused to keep in the salty liquid.

“If Minho was going to marry me…” Jongin began, trying to make sense of some example, “If Minho and I were dating… for two years… and we were going to get married… and you still felt the same about Minho as you do now… would you go to the wedding? Would you be able to watch me walk down the aisle to the man you love and take him away for good?”

Taemin wanted to cry just from hearing the mention of something like that ever happening. Minho was his. How could someone ever take him away? His heartbeat sped up and his chest started to hurt.

“Is that… what you see this as?”

“No… that doesn’t even scratch the surface. It’s like… the pain from that times a million… And lately, I’ve been crying myself to sleep every night. I can’t sleep so I’m tired the next day, and it hurts even more, multiplying that million by another million… Why isn’t it me? I keep asking my ceiling like it’ll tell me why… they say the early bird gets the worm, right? So what does that make Minho? The later bird who just happened to be more cunning? I was there first… I loved you first, I confessed to you first, I was there for you first. I remember when I couldn’t wear your pants because the legs were way too long, but now I can’t wear them because I’m a lot bigger than you… I don’t get it… maybe I should just kill myself. I won’t be alive to feel the pain and I won’t be around for you to be bothered… It’s a good deal, isn’t it?”

“If you kill yourself, I don’t know what I’d do…”

“You’d live happily with Minho…”

“I’d live with Minho. I don’t know where the happiness would come from. You know, you can replace memories. Everything I’ve done with you; movies, gaming, dinner, kissing, holding each other… I could easily take you out of those memories and plug Minho in. But the memory isn’t important. It’s who I share the memory with. That time I was miserable and felt alone, when I was making breakfast in the kitchen, feeling insecure… you held me so tightly and told me I look beautiful, told me the exact words I needed to hear… I don’t want to have done that with Minho. It was special because you were the one that said them. You were the one who knew what I needed the most right then.” Taemin explained, staring at the boy’s hand until he was pulled in by the urge to hold it, interlacing their fingers, “When you confessed to me that night… right under those bright, colourful fireworks… I’m happy it was you. Before you did that, I didn’t know I could be loved. Before you did that… I thought I was lucky to have someone consider me anything other than an annoying waist of skin.”

“But now you’re going to be happy that Minho is the one you’ll remember getting married to and not me…” The younger boy mumbled.

“Jongin, I don’t know what else to say… I love you both so much, just in such different ways… If both of you were drowning and I could only save one, I’d save both and sacrifice myself… I don’t want either one of you out of my life.”

“That’s selfish. You can’t have both, Taemin. That’s not how it works.”

“Why not? Why can’t you stay my best friend while Minho stays my husband?”

“Because Minho wants to be your husband, but I don’t want to be your best friend. I was to be your husband too. Best friend doesn’t cut it.”

Taemin was so frustrated. He understood the problem, and he was fully aware that there was no solution, but he didn’t understand why for the life of him.

“What do you want, Jongin? ? You wanted me to kiss you, so I did. You wanted to touch me, so I let you. You wanted to give me a , and I said okay. You wanted to have and I was alright with that too, at least while I was single. But now I’m with Minho. Jongin, I can have with you, I can give you the you want, bus as we’ve seen before, it’s never enough. Whatever I gave you satisfied you temporarily, but then you wanted more. What’s after ? You’ll tell me to divorce Minho? And then what? Marry you?”

“It’s not about ! I mean, I want to have with you too, but it’s… I feel like if we make love, if we do something that’s so intimate that we become one… you’ll be less likely to leave me… When two people become one, then there’s no longer anything that can leave, right? You can’t subtract anything from one to make it two again…”

“Why would I ever leave you?”

“You’ve already left me…”

“No I haven’t!”

“Yeah… you did. But I guess all I can do is accept it.”

Sighing, the elder’s head dropped, staring at the fingers that fit between his.

“Okay so… what would I have to do to change that?”

“You can’t do anything.” Jongin laughed. It wasn’t a happy laugh though. “Well… there’s one thing. You could always leave Minho and come date me, marry me, have a few kids with me. How likely is that to happen, though?”

“If… you don’t come to my wedding… I don’t think I can get married completely happy.”

“Why?”

“I need you by my side. It’s a memory I want everyone important to me to be in… Including you.”

“I really can’t, Taemin!” Jongin shouted, so passionate that he jumped up to his feet. “If I go to your wedding, I’ll cry the whole time! I’ll cry during the mass, I’ll cry during the reception, I’ll cry during your first dance! I’ll die of dehydration! I… I don’t want to be there to see the last few seconds of me having a chance disap-pear…” The boy started crying. “I just… I just want you to be mine… I used to think it was okay if it was just for a little… but I got that shot… I had you all to myself for a bit… that’s not enough… you’re right… I love you too much… I don’t just want you to myself, I don’t want you to be anybody else’s either… I want you to love me as much as I love you…” Jongin couldn’t stop. He was sobbing and bawling his eyes out. His words were just mixed up syllables that didn’t belong together and he didn’t know how to make the pain stop.

“Can we go back home?” Taemin suddenly spoke up, hoping to overthrow Jongin’s cries with his soft, gentle, scared tone. “We don’t belong here. We don’t belong in a hotel room, crying and arguing… I want to take you home, and I want to change into my pajamas, and I want to lie down in bed with you and cuddle until we fall asleep. I want to hold you close and make you feel as important to me as you are. I want to make you breakfast and love you so that you don’t feel lonely… so can we go back home?”

Looking up from his palms for a few seconds, only getting a blurry version of Taemin through all the tears, Jongin stood up and fled into the blonde’s arms.

“I’m scared you’ll leave me and forget about me…”

“I’d never do anything like that. I wouldn’t forget about Minho and he’s only been in my life for a few years. You’ve been here since I could walk. You’re basically engraved in my brain… Hey Jongin, I’ll help you get dressed, so show me where you put your clothes, okay?”

So Jongin did.

He showed Taemin and was dressed by the boy.

The elder was considerate, calling for a taxi instead of taking the subway, saving Jongin from an unbelievable amount of humiliation.

They got home around three in the morning. Paying the cab and hold the younger boy’s hand as they took the elevator to the apartment, Taemin unlocked the door, heading up to Jongin’s room.

This time, he helped the younger boy out of his clothes, into a much looser, more comfortable outfit.

Borrowing Jongin’s sweatpants in order to avoid waking Minho, who was probably in the deepest sleep, he crawled into bed.

It was familiar, probably because he spent a lot of first year from when they moved here in this bed with his best friend.

Sharing a single pillow that used to be two, they stared into each other’s eyes so intimately, so intensely that they were no longer humans. Just emotions and dreams stuck in a body.

Jongin had calmed down but still couldn’t stop the tears and Taemin made sure to get every single one of them with his sleeve.

Slowly losing consciousness, the younger boy laced his arms around the blonde’s waist, pulling him closer. Burying his face into the cozy spot which seemed carved out specifically for him, right between Taemin’s chin and shoulders, he gave in, letting the night steal him away from anything else that could happen during those quiet, careful minutes.

Jongin woke up.

His head hurt, his eyes felt sticky, he sweat more than normally, and he had some dried drool on the corner of his mouth. That didn’t even compare to the way he was sore or how much his stomach was churning. There was a reason he didn’t drink on a regular, or even rare, basis.

Still, looking down and seeing a beautiful, untouched face coupled with fluffy, messed up blonde hair and thin arms that encompassed his chest, all that seemed to vanish.

Looking over at the clock, he could see it was well past twelve, and judging from the silence in the house, Minho was probably at work, doing something important.

They should have been too.

Imagining all the things he could have done in the time he’d been sleeping, Jongin got pent up, once again relaxing when he heard a quiet whimper from the boy that clung on to him so lovingly.

Hiding his face in the cloud that was Taemin’s golden locks, he decided to stay still, giving the elder every single second of sleep he could. He hoped his quickly beating heart wouldn’t ruin those good intentions.

Eyes captured by the elder’s gorgeous face, he decided to imagine, even for just a second, that Taemin was his. Taemin was his, and they were in love, and this was their average morning. They always held hands and gave kisses good night.

Lost in his thoughts, he nearly had a heart attack when he felt a pair of lips on his chest.

“Are you awake?”

“No.”

Taemin laughed, “Don’t lie to me. Ah, I’m so sleepy…”

“Sleepy?”

“Yeah…”

“What about sweaty?”

“Sweaty?”

“I’m sweaty. I want to go take a shower…”

“Okay, go ahead.”

“I want you to go with me.” Jongin whined, moving Taemin so that he was straddled by the blonde. His hands landed on the boy’s thighs, moving up slowly and massaging them, slipping his fingertips underneath the boy’s briefs.

“I’m too tired to stand up…”

“I’ll carry you.”

“Fine. If you carry me, I’ll go shower with you.”

Seeing that as a fair trade, Jongin hoisted the elder over his shoulder, carrying him into the bathroom.

“Can we take a bubble bath?”

“If that’s what you want.” Taemin agreed. While Jongin undressed, he took a vibrant bottle from the edge of the tub and squeezed a quarter of it out onto the white, smooth surface. With that in place, he let the hot water run.

“Taemin, can I undress you?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“O-okay…”

Carefully, he lifted his fingers to Taemin’s shirt, stripping the boy of it. Neatly folding it and putting it on the shelf, he grabbed the waistband of the blonde’s pants and briefs, pulling both of them down at the same time.

No matter how many times he saw the elder’s perfect body, he’d still grow self-conscious and flustered.

“Geez, Jongin. You get to strut around with that nine foot sausage between your legs while I’m here all insecure.” The blonde pouted, hopping into the bubbly water that had already risen so high, it masked Taemin’s body up until his shoulders.

“W-wh-… I’m not that b-big!” Jongin argued, getting in on the opposite side.

“You put me to shame.” Taemin chuckled, cupping his hands and moving them above Jongin’s head, dropping water and bubbles onto the boy.

“Well… you don’t have to be big… I don’t think size matters… from one point of view, you’re on the… receiving end, right? So it only matters how big your partner is. Secondly, I think your face and heart are too breathtaking for anyone to focus on anything else.”

“I think you’re exactly right. Size doesn’t matter. Still, that doesn’t mean you won’t make someone happy someday.” The blonde winked.

“Say that again, but instead of ‘someone’ say ‘me’.”

“Huh? I think you’re exactly right. Size doesn’t matter. Still, that doesn’t mean you won’t make ‘me’… happy someday…” Once the words left his lips, he blushed, “Jongin let’s hurry. I want to make you breakfast, o-or rather lunch… w-well brunch.”

“Alright.”

It was summer now so every schedule Jongin ever had was messed up.

He went to sleep at three in the morning, woke up at one in the afternoon, at breakfast at two, ate dinner at ten.

Still, it was nice to have a proper meal.

“Taemin… you’re nineteen now.”

“Yeah.” The boy nodding, setting the table Jongin sat at.

“After this summer, you’ll be going to a university… thinking about that makes me really sad… Not only am I losing you to Minho at home, I’ll be losing you to the education at school… I’ll have to go to school alone, eat lunch alone, come home alone…”

“Only parts of that are true.” Taemin smiled. The scent of the meal laid out for Jongin was so amazing that it was impossible for a description to do it any justice, words wouldn’t suffice. “Minho has afternoon classes this year so I opted for the same. I also thought that I’ll get a bus pass for the whole year so I don’t need to pay as much… um, I decided that I still want to go to school with you in the morning, even though it’s not my school anymore… um, I’ll go back home and then come back later to eat lunch with you, and then when your lunch period ends, Minho will meet me at the station and take me to school before going to his school. After that, we’ll both come back home together in the evening.”

“Isn’t that really inconvenient for you? You can just spend your morning with Minho…”

“It’s is a bit inconvenient, but you’re my best friend, so that automatically makes it okay.”

Jongin felt so touched. Taemin really did do so much for him already and he only wanted more. He took everything his best friend did for him for granted.

“Taemin…”

“Yes?”

“I’m really sorry for how I’ve acted the past few days…”

“No, no, no, it’s totally fine! I understand. After all, it’s kind of my fault for being inconsiderate. I should be the one apologizing.”

“No, Taemin. It was my fault. I was the inconsiderate one. I can’t whine because you won’t give me something you don’t have… I was wondering if you could go… help me find a suit for your wedding…”

The elder seemed speechless, eyes wide and jaw dropping. “You’ll come?! You’ll really come?!”

“Yeah…”

“Jongin, I love you!” Taemin declared, dropping himself onto Jongin’s lap, making sure to squeeze his thighs and arms so tightly around the younger boy that Jongin couldn’t breathe. “I’m so… h-happy…”

“Are you crying?!” The boy asked, shocked.

“You have no idea how much this means to me…”

Feeling an unbelievable amount shame for his recent actions, Jongin held Taemin with all his might.

“I’m sorry for everything I put you through…”

“I forgive you…”