I began to walk towards my brother’s grave, remembering the day we spent here together when he was still alive.

“You know, I always wondered where we go after we die. I never thought Taecyeon would go there first,” he had said.

I hadn’t known what to say. Taecyeon was my brother’s best friend who I grew up knowing for most of my life. He had died in a car crash a few weeks earlier.

“Can you give me a minute?” he said. I looked at him and nodded.

I never told him that I heard him yelling when I had walked back to the car.

“Why? Why did you have to go? Why didn’t you wait for me to call you before you came to pick me up? If you would have been smart enough to do that you wouldn’t be lying here. We’d be playing baseball right now like we used to every Saturday afternoon. But no, you just had to go.”

I couldn’t hear any more of what he had said but I could see him crying, and yelling from where I was. I never quite understood why he yelled out the way he did, until now, now that I was doing the same thing.

“I never believed you to be the kind to end your own life. I thought I knew you better than that, but I guess I was wrong. A part of me, though, a huge part of me still believes that you wouldn’t do such a thing. I will get to the bottom of this, no matter what I have to do,” I said, staring at his grave, which displayed “Nickhun Hwang a loving son, brother, grandson and boyfriend.”

I stood in silence and began to cry, like I had seen him do. I needed this closure, or at least this type of closure from him. I knew I would never get complete closure until I knew what really happened the day he passé on.

“I miss you so much. Life was close to perfect when you were here. Now I’m a mess. God, Nick why did this happen to you? Why? What did I do wrong? What made this happen?” my voice rose as I continued, “You were supposed to be here, with me, with Yuri. If you were still here, I wouldn’t be in so much pain. I wouldn’t have gotten into that car accident, Yuri and I would still be at home with our families, I wouldn’t have ever met Jessica and have had my heart broken so many times in just a few weeks and I wouldn’t have so many questions.”

I began to cry real loud, and then I heard someone call my name.

“Tiffany?”

I turned around to see Jessica.

For the first time, in a long time, I didn’t run away from him or tell him to explain anything. I just walked over to him and cried in his arms. I felt so safe with his arms wrapped around me as he held me tightly. I could hear his heart beating faster and faster as I looked up at him and into his blue eyes and kissed him.

This wasn’t like any ordinary kiss, it was as if I was a whole new person kissing this boy that I cared about and liked so much, a boy that I could love and knew who could love me back. It was as if Nick had showed me the way to move on. Jessica and I were still lost into each other and we both had no intention to stop until I realized, after about 5 minutes that I needed to catch my breath. I laughed once our lips pulled apart.

He smiled at me and said, “What’s so funny?”

“Nothing,” I said, “How did you know I was here?”

“Yuri. When she got home she didn’t find you, but rather a picture and called me to pick you up and take you back, so I took the bus all night.”

“You took the bus all night for me?”

“I told you, Tiffany, I would do anything for you.”

I smiled at him and knew that he was telling the truth. I also knew that I would be able to move on with him and that I was ready to be with him and no one could change my mind about the feeling I was having about us. Not even Taeyeon.

As we walked to my car he told me he would drive back to Wilmington, but I told him I needed to make one more stop.