‘Hyung! You’re here!’ Dong Woon beamed.

‘Yah! You made us so worried! I was worried sick when I couldn’t wake you up! I thought I had lost you forever!’ Doo Jun yelled; relief, pain, and guilt filling the words.

Dong Woon wilted. Doo Jun realised his mistake. Of course Dong Woon would blame himself for upsetting his hyungs. He should’ve known better than to say that to him! It was because of the youngest’s reluctance to confide in them that had landed him in the hospital. Doo Jun rubbed his face with his hands, struggling to control the emotions running through him, and to comfort the maknae.

‘Sorry, Woonie. I just didn’t have enough rest so I was abrupt. Forgive me?’ Doo Jun added a pout, hoping Dong Woon would forget his words when he showed him some of his rare aegyo side.

‘Hyung! That was horrible! I can do it better!’ Dong Woon giggled his face lighting up when he laughed. Doo Jun relaxed, enjoying the smile on the maknae’s face. He helped the man up to a sitting position, propping Dong Woon with his pillow.

‘You feeling any pain? Headache? Nausea?’ Doo Jun asked suddenly.

‘Hmm? Nope, thanks hyung!’ Dong Woon replied with a smile. Then he sobered.

‘Doo, how-how did you know about my headaches?’ Dong Woon asked, a little too fearfully for Doo Jun’s tastes.

‘The doctor said that because of the slight swelling in your brain, you would have suffered headaches and nosebleeds, so we figured the pills were for the headaches.’ Doo Jun didn’t like how Dong Woon seemed to be afraid for them to know about his condition.

‘Oh.’

‘Woon-ah, when did you start getting these headaches? Tell hyung please.’ Doo Jun probed the matter gently, not wanting the youngest to clam up. He desperately wanted to know just how long the maknae had kept his deteriorating condition from all of them.

‘Erm…’ Dong Woon squirmed visibly. He wasn’t willing to say, but he was raised to be polite and not to ignore any direct questions, because it was just rude.

‘Woonie…’ Doo Jun tried again.

‘Since… Then.’ Dong Woon looked down and mumbled.

For a moment, Doo Jun was confused, but he got over it quickly, when the implication of what Dong Woon had said crashed down on him.

‘You mean, since I… Since I had… Hit you when I got drunk?’ Doo Jun hoped the maknae would scoff and say of course not, but he knew in his heart that whatever the maknae had meant in in those two words is what he was dreading.

‘Y-yes.’ Dong Woon didn’t dare look at his hyung. He knew by saying it out loud, he would make his leader unbearably guilty, but he had to say it, since the leader had asked him outright.

‘Oh, God, Woon.’ Doo Jun dropped his heavy head onto his palms, wishing to vanish from the face of the Earth.

‘Sorry hyung.’ Dong Woon sounded ashamed.

‘For what?! You didn’t do anything wrong! It was me! All me! So don’t you dare to apologize for my something that is my fault! Dammit! And don’t say it.’ Doo Jun’s eyes blazed with self-loathing, stopping the younger man’s apology even before it left his mouth.

‘Hyung, don’t be like this. I can’t bear to see you like this! It was why I kept it from you in the first place.’ Dong Woon looked at the leader with pleading eyes.

‘Which was dumb, Woonie! Never ever do that again! We want to know if anything is wrong! How can we protect you when you don’t tell us if anything is wrong?!’ Doo Jun let out some of his frustration, even though he knew the maknae might take it the wrong way.

‘Sorry hyung.’ Dong Woon turned his head away, but he never agreed to what the leader said. He would do it all again, despite everything.

Doo Jun also knew that, but he couldn’t help but feel angry at himself. For not being the one for Dong Woon to confide to. For not being the one the maknae can be comfortable enough to tell all his worries. To be the ing one to hurt the precious maknae.

‘If you don’t trust me, you could always go to Junnie or Seungie, Woon. Just tell us things, and not keep things so serious to yourself. It really hurts to see you holding it all in, Woon… It hurts me when I didn't know that you were in pain. That I wasn't there to help you. That I've let you down.’

‘No! It’s not that I don’t trust you Doo, but you have a lot on your plate already, and I didn’t think I was that bad so I kept it to myself.’

‘Wasn’t that bad? Woon, you had a concussion and subsequent headaches and even nosebleedings! How is that not serious?!’ Doo Jun ranted at the mulishness of the maknae.

‘Okay, I admit that might not be the best judgement call I made but I really thought it was not going to interfere with the promotions so I did not say anything. Thank goodness we had ended promotions already…’ Dong Woon trailed to a stop when he saw Doo Jun’s face.

‘Dong Woon, I’m just gonna say this once. I wanted you to tell us because we care about you, not because we were afraid that the promotions will be affected. Dammit! Why can’t you just accept that we love you for being you, because without you, we will not be BEAST anymore?! I know you have a low self-opinion, but this is true! The members all love you! We would be lost if you weren’t here! So don’t you dare to leave us out of the loop whenever things happen to you!’ Doo Jun was panting hard, trying to supress his anger, and most of all, words that might ruin his friendship with the very person he was trying so hard to ensure that he knew how he was valued. Words like I love you, goddammit! were supressed.

Dong Woon looked at the leader in shock. He had never heard him say things like that. It warmed his heart, to hear that he was valued in the group, that he was part of the family. He knew rationally that the members loved each other, but a small part in him had doubts. The part that was still the weak-bodied boy who didn’t have many friends because he was at the hospital so often. The little boy who had been bullied in. The part where he was afraid whatever he had achieved in BEAST was all a dream.

Doo Jun knew Dong Woon didn’t have confidence sometimes, and that was why the members all babied the maknae, whether the maknae himself likes it or not. The members just want Dong Woon to be happy, to remain the cheerful and bubbly boy they know. The little moments when Dong Woon showed his fragile side had the members going into protective mode, especially Doo Jun and Ki Kwang. Sometimes, Dong Woon would be a little down for a while, but the members were sure he would pull through and the lovable maknae they know so well would turn up again. They were mostly correct. Doo Jun knew that what had happened this past month would be a blow to Dong Woon’s already fragile self-esteem. And though he hated it, the fact that he was the one who caused this was weighing heavily on the leader.

How the heck am I supposed to forgive myself? Sure, Woonie forgives me, but then again, he would forgive anyone else. I certainly won’t be so forgiving if I am in his position, but then again, Woonie is Woonie. His being so kind, so understanding is killing me. Why can’t he yell at me, hit me, curse at me instead of being the one to comfort me? Why can’t he show the anger, hatred and disappointment that I deserve? Anything is better than his kindness! Because that is one thing I certainly don’t deserve. How can I face him? How can he even look at me? I’ve done him so much harm, landed him in the hospital not once, but twice! And he could still smile at me… Doo Jun looked away, shame and guilt weighing him down.

[a/n: hey guys! do you sympathize with doojun? i hoped i would never be in his position ever! hope you guys are still reading this, LOL! ><]