My heart jumped so high I couldn’t believe it was possible, THIS was the surprise he had been talking about?! I yelled so hard that I couldn’t hear the first response from the MC, and I’m sure it gained me some annoyed looks from the nurses on the hallway. But since it was late at night they didn’t come in, and I couldn’t care less about them at the moment.

I calmed down enough to listen to the program again. I wasn’t sure yet how I felt, angry, happy, scared or furious that he hadn’t consulted such a thing with me first. “Oh my, that’s just great. Congratulations, I’m sure the fans will support such a cute couple. You know quite a lot of people have been shipping your couple since the release of Ironic and your collaboration. How do you feel about that?” When he answered I just knew he was beaming on the other side of the phone, how could I stay mad at him? “I always felt great when I saw things like BeAn forever, though of course I felt quite jealous when people showed love for their shipment of LiGuk, but well I can’t complain since it is official now.” The MC tried to ask him some more questions but he said, “I’m sorry I can’t answer those questions now. But I would be glad to do an interview with Lian together when she is discharged from the hospital.” They exchanged some formalities and then Baekhyun hung up.

I quickly grabbed my phone, and the moment I held it in my hand it started to vibrate, indicating I had a caller. “Baekhyun.” I stated, “Lian.” He replied. “Are you mad that I surprised you like that?” “No.” He hesitated, “You sound mad…?” I sighed, “Well maybe I am, just a bit angry. I can’t believe you did that without discussing it with me first.” There was a silence, “But I don’t actually mind,” I could hear him sigh in relieve, “We don’t need to hide anything anymore, and you are allowed to skip schedules when you want to visit me in the hospital. No one can complain that you want to visit your girlfriend during visiting hours.” I started teasing him, “How come all of your nicknames are with food? First Beakhyun – Bacon, and now you are dragging me with you, Baekhyun x Lian – BeAn. Really.” I sighed in playful frustration, and he chuckled. “I’m glad we have gone public too.” He sighed, as if he remembered something awful, “Lian, when are you going to tell the rest of EXO HANA and” he paused and with a slightly annoyed tone he added “B.A.P?” “When are you going to tell them about the results and the surgery?” I sighed too, closing my eyes and laying back in the bed.

“I don’t know,” I admitted, “I don’t think I can bear to see their faces when they hear it. I don’t want to see that. It’s hard enough without seeing their pain too.” There fell an silence again. “Maybe you should write it down, and let your manager deliver it to all of them?” I opened my eyes again, over thinking this option. “Actually, that’s not a bad idea.” I almost got up and reached for the light switch when I changed my mind. “I’ll write them tomorrow before the visiting hours, then manager Kim can deliver them through the day, and when they visit in the evening they will all know.” I sighed, feeling a bit more relaxed, just knowing Baekhyun was there for me right now. “I loved the song. Of course I had heard the group version of What is love, but I prefer your acapella version.” I smiled slightly in the dark, “It felt really raw and honest.” I knew he was smiling. “EXO, HANA and B.A.P promised they would visit tomorrow night, you are coming too right?” “Of course, why do you ask?” I sighed in relieve, “Even though by then they should know by then, I’m not sure I can handle all their questions and worry alone.” There was a silence again and he was the first to talk again. “I’ll be there. If you want I can get the morning a few hours off too? We could make a small stroll in the little park in front of the hospital.” I nodded, “Yes, that’d be nice.” “I’ll see you tomorrow then I guess.” “Yes, see you tomorrow. Sweet dreams.” He seemed to hesitate, “Sleep tight.” We were both hovering to hang up, then I just spoke my mind, “I wish you were here right now. It’s so lonely.” “I know… I know.” Was the only thing he answered, before he hung up.

~~~

 I was woken early in the morning, the sun was shining through the windows, I should have closed them. I turned, trying to go back to sleep, but only 5 minutes after that I heard a faint knock on the door. I mumbled something and glanced at the clock while I sat up to greet the person who had decided to stop by on this unholy time, 6am. I just rubbed the sleep out of my eyes as the two doctors stepped in my room, dr. Cho and dr. Kang. I greeted them not all to happy, and maybe they picked up on that because they didn’t sit down.

“We are sorry to interrupt you this early in the morning. But we have some great news.” I shrugged and signaled them to continue, dr. Cho looked at dr. Kang, gesturing him to tell me. “If you have made up your mind about the surgery, we have a free spot at 10am tomorrow morning.” I shot awake with an uncomfortable heartbeat. “T-tomorrow?!” I almost yelled. Dr. Cho nodded with a smile, “the previous person scheduled there has canceled,” I didn’t want to think about the reason behind the cancelation, “So we have a free spot. And I should emphasize that the sooner the surgery is executed the more chance there is for full recovery.” I nodded slowly, “I’ll think about it, could you come back at 12am? I think I’ll have made up my mind by then.” They left the room again soon after. I slowly got dressed, and I looked forward to taking a walk with Baekhyun, just being out of here for a while was great to look forward to.

When I was finally dressed I had also made up my mind about the surgery, I’d go for the date of tomorrow. It had to happen anyway, this wasn’t truly living, and I could just as well get it over with. I sat down at the small table and reluctantly started writing to every person individually. Though after three letters it didn’t feel as personal to me anymore, I knew it would feel that for them. I was writing to all of them, carefully putting each letter in his own envelope. Don’t ask me how the envelope’s en letter paper had gotten here. Either they had them prepared for all guests, or Baekhyun had ushered Lee So Man to make sure they were delivered here while I was still asleep. I suspected the latter, but decided I wouldn’t think about it, either way I was able to write the letters I wanted to write and that was my point of focus.

When I was done I noticed it was almost visitors hours, and I quickly pulled on a warm sweater and my jacket so I could take off immediately when Baekhyun arrived with manager Kim. I glanced at the neat pile of letters, I had written more than planned. I had written to Sujin, Nana, Yumi and Jinae of course. Then to all members of EXO, curse the fact that there are twelve of them, and I had written to Yongguk, Himchan, Daehyun, Jongjae, Jongup and Zelo. This was not what had taken me so long. The hidden pile of letters had taken me a long time. Last night I started thinking about the small chance that I wouldn’t even make it in coma, and I had decided to write some kind of letter for them to read, if I really passed. The first letter was written to Lee So Man, telling him what to do with those letters and when to give them. Then I had written a private letter to all my close friends, and a general one to my fans. Especially those to my mom, dad, Baekhyun, Yongguk, Zelo, Sujin and the rest of HANA had been painful. I couldn’t imagine saying goodbye to one of them, even less to.

My mood was down, I slowly hid the letters in my handbag, in my agenda. It was that personal that you wouldn’t look at it if I was alive, so they were safe for the time being. I jerked up and I saw Baekhyun standing at the door. “Bad conscious?” I smiled and he walked closer to me. My low mood lifted a bit, just by being in the same room. I tiptoed and lightly kissed his lips. When I started to pull back to stand on my feet again he leaned down with me, holding me closer to him. The words he sung yesterday repeated in the back of my mind.

I will never leave your side

I hugged him closer to me, smiling in the kiss and our embrace. He released my lips, giving me the chance to catch my breath. While he nuzzled his face in my hair he whispered, “You know, we could do something else instead of taking a stroll.” I could just hear his cocky lifted eyebrow, and I laughed. “No.” I said sternly, “I have been looking forward to my piece of fresh air.” I let go of him and tapped his nose, his expression was partly naughty and cocky and partly disappointed. Then he smiled too, and his gentle expression returned. He took my hand and while he walked backwards to the door he pulled me with him. “Stroll it is then. I have to add, you smell lovely.” I smiled again, “Thank you.”

~~~

In the end our short stroll became a long one. We talked about everything and anything. It was heavenly to be able to go outside again, to be able to do what I wanted to do, without having to think about my next schedule. It was wonderful to just enjoy the slightly chilly morning with the beautiful boy next to me. I felt as free as a bird to not have to worry about what people thought of us. As we sat down at a small restaurant I beamed at Baekhyun. “You were right.” I sighed in content and inhaled the air deeply. He chuckled as he flipped through the menu, “Of course I’m right, I’m always right. What would you like to drink? Maybe eat something? My treat.” He added before concentrating on the menu again. I picked up one too and started reading it through. Only when I smelled the fresh bread I realized I was starving. Baekhyun apparently made a choice and put his menu down. He started to stare at me, I ignored it, but I couldn’t completely deny the bubbling feeling of happiness in my stomach. After we ordered and the drinks arrived I sipped my coffee, much better than that crap they call coffee at the hospital.

“Would you care to explain what I was right about?” He asked, with a raised eyebrow and a smile hinting at the corners of his lips. I smiled at him, “About coming public. It’s so…” I guestured around me, looking for the right word, “Freeing?” He helped me, and I nodded. He leaned back in his chair and sighed too. “I know. I’m glad you feel the same.” There was a silence, not uncomfortable, it was just unnecessary to speak. The food arrived, and I immediately dug into my chocolate croissant, it was delicious. Baekhyun’s spoon stopped halfway to his mouth, ”What are your plans tomorrow?” I frowned, feeling just a tad guilty to have to spoil the mood. “Well, the doctors said they wanted to know about my decision, and I wanted to talk to you about it, before making any obligations.” He frowned, definitely not what he had thought I would answer.

Obviously, I had already set my mind, but it wasn’t more than polite to ask my best friend and my boyfriend about his opinion, he might change my mind. “You know how I think about it.” He answered kind of curt. “I don’t want to lose you.” I sighed, I knew his reasoning very well, and I am honest when I say I do understand. I placed my hand on his, and he looked from his food to me, “Baekhyun, you know I love you, I don’t want to lose you, or my life. But I hope you do understand, the only alternative is not doing the surgery, and ending up like a patient tied to the hospital bed.” I tried to put all my feelings in these words, “That’s not the life I want Baekhyun, I’d rather die than spend my next 60 years in a bed, looking out the window.” He swallowed, but didn’t say anything. “Baekhyun, please try to understand. Even if there is the slightest chance I could recover, and be able to grow old the way I want to, I have to take that chance.” My eyes were filled with tears now, I felt sad thinking about Baekhyuns reasoning, and I hoped he could understand and respect my decision.

He sighed, putting his spoon down and ruffling his hair in frustration. “Lian, please. I don’t want to lose you.” He looked so deep in my eyes I felt lost, his dark brown eyes me in. “Believe me, I try to understand. I just can’t imaging you’d chose such a risk just for the sake of that small part of freedom. That you value that freedom over your own life.” I sigh in defeat, unsure of how to make him understand. “Lian please look at me.” I looked back up in his eyes, “I can’t understand that you value your life so low, when I value it so high.” I nod slowly, squeezing his hand as I speak, “Baekhyun, you know where I was born, the Netherlands. The one thing most important to us is our freedom. It’s something deep down in our system, without it we are nothing.” I sigh, everything that I could say to make him understand has been said.

“Thank you Baekhyun, for giving me this freedom today. Now please let’s continue our walk and not talk about this anymore.”

~~~***~~~

OMo, in the end it worked out perfectly that she was born in the Netherlands XD

So happy right now… you all will be pretty sad right? Keep up the hope!