As much as I hated her, I had to admit she had a point. How could I have been so stupid to think I was on the same level as them? For one they have a lot more experience and second more fans. How much I hated her was irrelevant, how much I hated ‘them’ being together was indescribable. I had done my best in evading both Yongguk and the others of B.A.P the following days, and though I say so myself I think I do a pretty good job in evading. I hadn’t even seen Yongguk, and only caught glimpses of the rest. The only one I wasn’t able to shake off was Zelo, no matter how many times I changed my recording room, somehow he was always able to find me before lunch.

“Maknae instinct,” he called it, when I grumpily complained how he was able to find me every time. But I suspected he had a whole network of informants, including most of the woman trainees, he wouldn’t even need to pleas, only his aeygo was enough. I was glad he didn’t continue about the scene with Jiyeon, nor did he bring the other members over, and I was thank full for that. I felt small and insignificant, and I didn’t want to face them like this.

Of course the first few days I had been feeling awful and stupid, and mainly humiliated, and I still felt like that. But instead of crying myself to sleep I couldn’t stop working. Unconsciously I didn’t want to face my feelings, and instead of going head on with them, I evaded my own heart and put so much effort and time in composing I didn’t even have time to think about anything else. Right now I had finished about three songs in total, Luv me, (last chapter, D-unit) and two more untitled songs. I still hadn’t finished the song I had started the first, but since I was evading any thoughts related to Yongguk, I also didn’t want to finish that song.

“So how are you feeling?” I looked up from the music sheets and I noticed Zelo leaning in de doorway. I smiled at him, “you found me, again.” He didn’t reply but continued to stare at me, and sighed. “How long are you going to evade us?” He walked closer, and leaned against my desk, preventing me from ignoring him with my work. I sighed too, and put down my pen, this was what I had been fearing, my heart ached, I looked at some point left above his face. “Am I evading you? I just want to finish working of my pieces as quickly as possible.” There fell a silence, “So, you are just going to leave without talking to us?” I could hear the annoyance in his voice, suddenly he slammed his fist on the table. I jumped and looked back at his face, “Jiyeon was right, if you are such a coward you don’t belong in this business.” I stared at him, stunned at his outburst, Zelo rarely lost his temper. He paced out the door, leaving me shocked.

Still in shock I rose from the chair and walked to the door, I closed it. My hands started shaking, and with my back against the door I leaned, looking down on my hands. What was wrong with me? I slowly slid down until I was sitting on the floor. My eyes became watery, my heart ached. Zelo’s words had ripped my wall down. I couldn’t pretend I didn’t care any longer. My mind replayed the scene with Jiyeon, and my fight with Zelo. I hugged my legs, why was I losing everyone dear to me, when all I wanted to do was not get hurt.

When the tears had dried on my face I glanced at the clock, three in the afternoon.  B.A.P was already gone for their performance. I sighed, feeling down. The feelings I had been trying to keep away came rushing to me since Zelo tore down my wall. I quickly threw my laptop and sheets in my bag and made my way out. I was feeling suffocated inside, when I reached the front door and it opened for me, I inhaled the cold fresh air, taking deep and long breaths. I sighed, feeling a bit more relaxed. I walked down the road, not caring to pay attention which way I was going, anywhere but here. The movement and fresh air calmed my mind. I need to sort things out.

First why do I evade my friends from B.A.P? I briefly looked at the fountain I was passing, replaying the event which had caused me so much worry and confusion. I somehow felt embarrassed, and shame, that I believed the words of Jiyeon, and I was scared that they really thought of me as annoying. I gave myself a bit of a lecture. What have they even given you for hint that they didn’t like me? I was being stupid and childish running away from my emotions and fear. The fear of being hurt.

I pondered this while I continued to walk, this was actually also the root of my problems with Yongguk. From the beginning I had known it was impossible to love him, yet I had fallen for him, knowing he liked someone else. I was scared to be rejected and hurt. I knew all the time I spent with him that my feelings continued to grow, but I had been to scared to even admit it to myself. Maybe that’s why I was so shocked and hurt when Jiyeon had spelled it out in my face.

I slumped down on the bench at the edge of a square, I was one step further. The next step was facing the consequences. I had evaded my friends, hurt them and myself. I had to apologize. Instead of protecting myself I had insulted them with my distrust. I sighed, easier said than done.

“Romy? Is that you?” My thoughts were interrupted by a passerby. I raised my face to meet the eyes of the person, realization struck me. “Hye Sung?” A smile formed on my face and my heart fluttered. I jumped up and hugged her tightly. “Omo, I haven’t seen you in ages, how have you been.” She hugged me back softly, but carefully loosened our hug again. I looked at her worried, she looked way older than a year ago. “Do you have time? We can go grab a coffee together,” she looked at her watch, “maybe even lunch?” I nodded, and together we walked over the square to a small café. I took of my coat, and held out my hand for her so I could hang them both. When she took off her coat I noticed her new figure. I had known her from SM academy, we both practiced dance, and she had never been the bones and skin like some of the others, but right now her stomach was noticeably grown and rounded. I frowned when she didn’t look, but I didn’t comment.

When I had hung our coats and we had ordered our drinks and lunch we were silent for a moment, just looking at each other. She smiled gently, “you have gotten even skinnier, are you eating well?” I nodded and took her hand, slightly squeezing it. “I’m fine. How are you, and your studies?” Her smile faded a bit, and I noticed the pain in her eyes, but waited for her to explain. “Well, until a few months back everything was okay. But I think somewhere around September I noticed my period was late, and went to the hospital to run a few tests.” She loosed my grip on her hand and fumbled with her fingers. “Well you know Yonghoon right?” I nodded, she had already dated him when I arrived in Korea and shared a room with her, which was about two years ago. “Since I quit SM to concentrate on my studies I moved in with him. He already finished his education and had a stable job at a big company.” Her eyes looked painful, but there were no tears. “We always used birth control, but well…” She stopped talking, and her eyes were more gentle now, as she caressed her belly. Than it hit me, confused and scared I asked “Are you pregnant?” She looked back at my face, and a smile formed on her face. “Yes.” I was silent for a moment, not sure of how to respond. Finally I was able to think of something to say. “Aren’t you scared? How about your studies? What are you going to do with the baby?” She continued to smile, and soothed my arm. “Lian, one of the things I have learned the past months, is that sometimes you have to do things that are out of your comfort zone. And that you should keep your eyes open for other ways than just the one way you set your mind on.” She grabbed her fork and knife and started to cut her sandwich. “Now tell me what’s on your mind. Why were you so down out there?” Opposite from her I sighed and put my fork down.

“It’s a long story.” She nodded, “I have time.” I inhaled deep, and started to summarize the past months since debut. Starting with my attraction to Bang Yongguk, then the chance of working with him, the worries I had. My shame about my feelings, and my worry about how my behavior could affect HANA’s reputation. Then I concluded my story, “And what has been scaring me the most is that I have been feeling week and even fainted once backstage. I haven’t visited a doctor yet, but the symptoms has been the same as before.” Hye Sung swallowed, looking in my eyes intently. “First you need to get your priorities straight.”

“This is so unlike you. You never walk away from hardships on your road to fulfill your dream, so why evade your own feelings. Your emotions make you human, and make you Lian.” I remembered my bread, and took a bite, letting Hye Sung do the talking. “From what I understand from you explanation is that you like Yongguk-shi very much, but you are afraid for rejection. Even more since Jiyeon spelled it out.” I nodded, feeling down again when she said it out loud like that. Hye Sung got an amused expression on her face, “What I’m curious about is, why would the high and mighty care about your feelings if her relationship was to stable as she has been claiming?” I gave her an incomprehensive look. “You describe that when you are with Yongguk his mood seems to lift, and that he helps you a lot, and that you two make a lot of fun together?” I nodded slowly again. “And that when she had just left, of when you saw them together, he seemed to be more cranky and hot tempered.” I nodded again, more confident now. She clapped in her hands. “She is jealous!” I almost chocked on my food. “Jealous?! Of what?” Hye Sug shook her head, “Are you really that slow. She might have the perfect image, but a relationship is about what’s in there.” She patted her heart. “He might like her, through all her bad behavior, but if he would come to realize how a good relationship should be, for example with you, than he would leave her any second.”

I thought about that for a second. “So she is scared I will steal him away?” Now Hye Sung was the one to nod. She seemed lost in thought for a moment, “Actually… It’s good you have been evading him. He might realize what he will miss without you.” I sighed again, but less heavily than before. “But how should I make up with the other members?” Hye Sung looked me in the eye, “I know it will be hard, but you have to be honest with them. Tell them you liked Yongguk, and that you were embarrassed to meet them. Tell them you were scared they would judge you, and that they would agree with Jiyeon. Eventually they will understand.” “I hope so.” She squeezed my hand, “you’ll do fine.” I looked back to her, “Thank you, you really helped me out.” We pulled on our coats after we paid the bill, and we walked to the station, so I could take the train back to SM building. We hugged, “I’ll be there for you if you ever need me, don’t hesitate to call.” I nodded in our hug, my train arrived, and I stepped in. Just before the doors closed I remembered something, I turned and yelled. “Don’t forget to invite me to your baby shower!” She only smiled and waved while the doors closed.

~~~***~~~

How did you like this chapter?

I feel like I am rushing to much…? I want to explain her feelings well, and I want to explain why she behaves why she behaves. But I also want  to hurry to the grand finale…

I’m so excited xD we are nearing the .

Solitario!!! Your comment was so cute xD It made me finish this chaper extra quickly for you <3