I don’t know how long I was in the bathroom. I barely registered the sounds of people knocking on the door, trying to open it, as well as voices, but I ignored all of them. Until one specific voice made itself known very, very loudly.

“Nikky-ya,” I almost jumped when the voice boomed. “Open now.” Cho Hee-unnie had that sweet disposition, but when she wanted someone to do something, she had this tone that made you do it no questions asked. Which probably explains why I proceeded to get up, wipe my face, and open the door. I watched as she looked me over once before shaking her head and clucking her tongue. Her tone immediately softened. “Nikky-ya, come.” She gently put her arm through mine and started walking towards the girls’ dressing room. “Boys said you and Top fight.” I opened my mouth to say something but she just shook her head and continued. “They are worried, so they found me.” I closed my mouth and lowered my head, keeping it down as we walked, knowing how I must look. Some girls can cry and hide it but I could not. “I said I would find you and get ready.” She quickly pulled me into the girls’ dressing room and closed the door behind us.

 I barely glanced up, but when I did, I could see the looks going around. Mainly a mixture of confusion and pity, and I was lucky enough that all of them were trying their best to pretend to ignore the situation, aka me. After a minute, I realized that was what I needed to do too. Even as Cho Hee went on about how silly boys were and that make-up would make it so no one would know I had been crying, I was sorting through my thoughts. Putting all of the emotions concerning the night before into one box and all of them concerning what just happened and Top went into another box. And then? I locked them away. By the time my make-up was done and I looked normal again, they were as locked away as I could get them.

I smiled at Cho Hee then. “Thanks, unnie.” She gave me a confused look in return, so I stood up and gave her a hug before taking a deep breath and trying to get my smile to reach my eyes. “So, what do you need me to do?”

---

The night seemed to both drag on and race forward. Cho Hee managed to rearrange things so I didn’t have to interact with Top, though whether that was for my benefit or his I don’t know, and yet every time we so much as crossed paths I felt like time stopped. We both would pointedly keep our gaze straight again, not even acknowledging the other, but each step seemed to be in slow motion. I kept hoping, wishing he would break first, and at the same time I knew that wouldn’t happen. Guess it was a good thing this was my last night with the tour, huh?

Finally the time came for Only Look at Me. I had just finished getting changed into my outfit and was almost to my spot when Hae Jung found me “Nikky, Taeyang-ah wanted to know if you are okay?” When I gave her a confused look she continued. “With dancing? For the song?”

I looked ahead and saw Jiyong waiting for me at our spot, and I realized something. Yes, there was a chance I would never speak with Top again, but the other boys? They still needed me for tonight, and I knew I still needed them. So after taking another deep, steadying breath I turned to my unnie and smiled. “Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?” When Jiyong turned and saw me, I could read the concern on his voice, so I made sure to smile as I walked over. I grabbed his hand and gave it a squeeze, but as he opened his mouth to ask me something, the music started, our cue, and I was saved.

---

The choreography that night was perfect. Even the part with Top. I still tried to avoid his gaze, and instead stared at Taeyang almost the entire time we danced. I say almost because I just couldn’t resist. I hated that actually, but at some point, I could no longer resist and I looked up to see that he was staring back at me, completely expressionless. Our eyes were locked for a good 10 seconds, and I felt my heart break all over again. There was absolutely nothing in his eyes and I just couldn’t take it. When the song was over we headed off the stage. We both stopped at the bottom of the stairs before he turned and walked away without a word. I watched for a few seconds before turning and walking in the opposite direction, not even caring where I was going.

---

The last bit of the show passed in an even quicker blur. I was very, very distracted by my thoughts and feelings. I felt… a lot at that moment. Angry. Sad. Frightened. Confused and guilty just to name a few. I honestly didn’t know what I should be feeling though, and that was what was making me the most confused.

I knew that I should be upset at Top for what he said and the way he thought about me. I also knew that I had over reacted. Hell, we both had over reacted. Him with his name calling and me with my fist. Why he would think those things was beyond me. What could he have seen to make him think those things? I tried to keep myself from going back over that night, but I did, and I couldn’t think of anything that might have made him think the way he was. Gah! Boys!

But was I any better? I went in that room so I could talk with him, calm him down, and let him know about me staying on. And I left the room after getting into an argument and punching him. Before a concert, I punched a singer in the gut. What the hell had I been thinking? I bunched up the shirt I was holding before I managed to get a hold on my anger at myself. I hope I hadn’t hurt him too much. I regretted hitting him more than anything, and suddenly that was all I could think of. How much what had happened could hurt him. Me hitting him could have caused him to have trouble singing, or it could have distracted him from giving the performance his all.

The more I thought about it, the more guilty I felt. And that was when I came to the first conclusion of the night: I was an idiot.

Reason number 1: I had thought it was okay to have a crush on a celebrity and that they might have one back. Duh, how delusional can  you get? And having a crush on a celebrity you technically work with? Work relationships never work in the regular world, why would they work here?

Reason number 2:  I had thought that by staying and working with the boys more, maybe things would have progressed between me and Top. Okay, so maybe this one goes back to the first reason, but still. It is a valid point. That shouldn’t be the reason to stay and work with them. It should be because they need me. Because they need someone with my skill set. Not a pity hire, but someone that could actually do some good for them. And while I may be able to do some good as their friend, would I really be doing much good as a cordi-noona?

Reason number 3: I had fought with Top in front of the others. I had no idea how much they saw or heard, but I needed to do everything in my power to assure one thing: that I was in the wrong. The thought that they might even for a second get mad at Top made me sick. Not that I thought I would ever be able to do anything to drive a wedge between any of them, but I didn’t want to be the cause of any strife.

And it was with these three reasons that I came to a final conclusion. One that I was not ready to make, but I knew at that exact moment it was right.

---

With one last round of screaming and a tear filled rendition of Goodbye, the final concert in the US was over. I watched from the wings as the boys made their final bows and waved good bye, leading the crowd in singing as they left. I was supposed to be busy packing up their outfits, but I stayed where I was, blinking away the tears as I watched the crowd start to disperse. It took a few minutes for me to get my emotions in check, so instead of heading to the boys’ room, I started cleaning up the girls’ changing room. It was there that the boys actually found me later.

Let me clarify. By boys I mean Jiyong, Taeyang, Seungri, and Daesung. When I turned to look at them, Taeyang immediately spoke up. “Top was not feeling well, so he went back to the hotel.” I nodded once before going back to hanging up the outfits. I heard some rustling behind me before one of them finally spoke up again.

“Nikky,” Jiyong broke the silence. “We want to know what-“

But I didn’t let him get very far at all. “I don’t want to talk about it,” I said, cutting him off.

“But Nikky,” he started again.

“Please,” I set the skirt I was holding down on the counter, leaning against it as I closed my eyes. “Please Jiyong, just drop it.” When I opened my eyes and made contact with him, I almost felt the tears break through. The sad, sorry look in his eyes just was too much. I could tell he, at least, felt sorry for me, meaning they probably blamed Top. I closed my eyes again and hung my head as I continued. “I did something very stupid, and I don’t want to talk about it.” I felt a single tear drip down my face, though I didn’t know which emotion it was that finally did it. Frustration, sadness, maybe just exhaustion, I didn’t know. “I’m sorry,” I finished before taking a deep breath to calm myself again. “I’m leaving tomorrow, so let’s just forget it, okay?” I smiled, but even I knew it looked forced.

When I looked around, I could tell that they weren’t buying any of it, but what was I supposed to tell them? That Top knew something happened last night? What exactly he thought had happened? What he had said to me? Called me? No. I was leaving tomorrow. Not only that, but I wasn’t going to take the job. There was still time to think about it, and maybe I would change my mind after I calmed down, but at that moment my mind was made up. The final conclusion I had come to: they would be better, Top would be better, if I stayed here. Therefore, I would keep what he said to myself. Better for them to think I hit him and wonder why then know what he said and get upset.

Jiyong let out a sigh, which I took to mean he has giving up, before Seungri spoke up, breaking the silence. “Well noona, what to do tonight?”

I looked at him confused when Taeyang picked up. “Nikky, let’s go get some dinner.” He looked at the others as he spoke. “I think we could use some food.”

It took me a moment to catch up. Talking over a meal was the way we had patched things up earlier, when things had felt awkward. I made eye contact with Taeyang as he smiled at me, and I couldn’t help but smile back. While I was sitting here beating myself up, here they were trying to make me feel better, trying to let me know that it was okay, and trying to get rid of the tension and awkwardness. Well, since it was my last night, I was more than willing to just let it all go for now. “Oh, well, how about some sushi?”

“And sake!” Seungri jumped off of the couch and ran over to me. “I am expert at sushi, noona. And sake expert too.”

Daesung finally spoke up as he came over to my other side and put an arm around my shoulder. “Do not worry, noona,” he said, switching to Japanese. “V.I.-san and D-Lite-san will order you the best sushi ever! But we should keep V.I.-san away from the sake.” He smiled at me as Seungri started whining and the other two joined in on teasing the maknae in English, Japanese, and Korean. The awkwardness I had felt instantly vanished. I pushed any thought of Top, the fight, the night before, and leaving tomorrow into the back of my mind. Tonight I was going to have fun with these four amazing boys.

---

We finally got back to the hotel very, very late, with each of us having had our fair share of Sake, Soju, and other drinks. We had talked about everything, and I was almost starting to regret my decision to not take the job. Almost.

I had surprised the boys with my ability to hold my drink, while the boys had surprised me. Daesung had had the least out of any of us actually, with only one small cup of each, but Seungri had kept up, which had impressed me. So it wasn’t shocking that we were all ready to crash into bed by time we got back to the hotel.

We said our good nights and I was just about to get to my door when I heard someone behind me.

“Nikky-noona?” I turned to see that Seungri had let the door close behind Daesung and was leaning against the wall. “Can we talk?”

I walked towards him, concern showing on my face. “What’s wrong?”

He looked away before looking back. “Please?” It might have been the pleading in his voice, but I think what really convinced me was the pleading look in his eyes. All it took was a second before I nodded and we headed down the hallway to talk.

---

A/N: Alright, once again this is not my best chapter. It's pretty slow in fact. I wanted to add in some interactions while they were out but... it didn't really help the story progress at all >.< Maybe I'll make a one shot about it or something, lol. 

The next chapter will be a little different, but it isn't bad ^_^ Ummm so... yeah! I love you all? <3