sehun4
Orchid Story Review Shop \\ Status: Closedpickup for sehun4
Title: Why Do You Care?Author: sehun4
Reviewer: spark931
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First Thoughts:
- Title: I like it-- I think fluffy stories especially suit titles that are questions.
- Description: I think it's absolutely fine to add quotes to the description, but I think you should make things a little more clear in terms of who's speaking. Readers might get confused. However, quotes in descriptions are generally used in angst stories due to their mysterious yet emotional conveyance. Maybe instead of quotes, use something like an summary+End question in your desc. Right now, I have no clue what your story is about, and I want to. In addition, there's something in your very first sentence that shows that you aren't a fluent English speaker, or at least convey your story will be the same way as this one sentence. Fix: "Don't do this mistake!" to 'Don't make this mistake.' While your first sentence is grammtically correct, I guess, it sounds awkward. No one really says this in English >.< (Fix this in your story too.) Those little gif's are so cute, although I recommend making them a little more bit related to your theme, and easier to read.
- Poster: Fluffy and cute. I love Sulli's picture in it >.<
Plot: The beginning of your plot is really... unrealistic to say the least. Of course it's fluff *flaps hand* but it still makes me giggle at the unrealisiticy. Oh well, just a comment. Your story overall was disappointingly short. I thought I was the beginning, but it's already the end. I'm glad there's a sequel, but in general, I don't think that this was a sufficient enough plot to be a oneshot.
Grammar: Missing some commas; some bad word usage; I think I won't point them all out, but there are some in there. Maybe get a beta-reader who will go in depth and help you there?
Style: I think in your case, the fluffy style excuses a lot of the holes in your story. Fluff usually entitles a lot of unrealistic areas in a story that would normally be explained. Since it's fluffy I think I let it go XD In terms of yourgeneral story style, I think much could be improved. Right now, you're stating a lot of the actions in the story, and while that is helpful, it's not emotional. Despite fluff being fluff, it's still supposed to be emotional, so instead of just being like: there was a lump in his throat, he could breath, be like: Sehun swallowed the lump forming at the back of his throat as he finally realized what she meant. The small figure before him, in a crumpled wedding dress, his best friend... was confessing to him. Or something like that. Go for the impact. That sentence probably wasn't accurate, and the story isn't in his POV, but I hope you get what I mean.
Characters: In the beginning of the story, why does Jinri become upset when she learns that Kai is cheating on her, but then also get's upset at Sehun. If she's in love with Sehun, why is she sag when she realizes Kai doesn't love her? It doesn't match with her motives because she's in love with Sehun and not Kai. I think you should take out "Sehun, why are you showing this to me?
Overall Enjoyment: So overall, I must say that your story was really unsatifsfying in terms of its length and substance. If you truly, really want to keep it this way, add some impact. I'm not into it, really, and I wish you had kept going, or something. The sequel is help, but it feels like you just started the story right at the end of one.
Final Notes: If you're going to keep the oneshot this way, I recommend adding some impact. What I mean by this, is more emotions, less dialogue overtaking. Right now, I'd say dialogue is 75% to 25% emotions. try to make it the other way. The readers aren't gonna be satisfied if they just see the ending. There wasn't even conflict (that large of one) to being with. Even if it's a oneshot, try to make that story arc. (If you know what I mean)
Thank you for requesting. I apologize terribly if there is any words that you take on account for harshness. I sincerely say that I do not want to be harsh! If you want any more help, feel free to message me privately!*Reactions I had while reading your story:
*This is a fun category I added on. I'd like to think you would have fun seeing my reactions! ^^
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I sincerely apologized for being gone for too long. I promise I will try and be more active :)
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