KimDongMin
Orchid Story Review Shop \\ Status: Closedpickup for Kimdongmin
Title: Ace KillerAuthor: KimDongMin
Reviewer: spark931
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First Thoughts:
- Title: Actually, I like this title. You really get the vibe of the story just from the title, and it's somewhat mysterious. It reminds me of K.A.R.D no matter how much you don't want me to.
- Description: I like it. However, I think the last three lines could be edited to show less information and make it more impactful and ominous. Try to not tell the reader information about the characters yet. I also think it would be a better idea to end your summary/ desc. with a statement rather than a question.
- Poster: It does convey your theme well. I think this poster is home-made? Did you make it perchance? I think some work could be done on the poster if you are gaining popularity. I think the images below that explain the roles of characters are cool.
Plot: You asked for an in-depth review on the plot. I see you've worked hard on it. I really, really, truly, liked reading the plot. Actually, despite your insistence for me to review this part, I think this is the aspect you should be the least worried about. Much love. I enjoy reading these types of stories.
Grammar: Your very first sentence: 'September first' - Don't spell it out, do 'September 1st'. Your second sentence, your first phrase doesn't make sense. 'as a general rule' but she's not ruling herself or something. Word chocie can be better here. try: 'generally'. From there on out, there are no problems other than questionable word choice. Nothing needing immediate fixing, but just to keep in mind while writing later chapters.
Style: I think your story would really benefit from a paragraph-length description. For example, while reading your first chapter, Beginning of the End, I was not really impressed with the amount of detail. At times, your style is really light, and while I appreciate that, I think it should change at times where characters are in danger (whether or not they know it), or in a place where they feel scared. I can't copy and paste due to your options set, but in the first chapter, when the character feels her head laying on stone-- WAIT STONE? This is not a style that matches with the general mood. While in the above paragraph, a light style is warranted, because everything is okay and normal, I think it'd be better for you to switch to a different tone to convey to readers a more mysterious tone that foreshadows trouble.
Aside from lack of description during Seulyi's narration, I want to add that I think you should add more chaos and confusion before having that voice interrupt the group. That would really give the reader a scare, given that this is a horror novel. We really want to pack a punch, right? At the times in which you are supposed to give a scare, really REALLY try to surprise the readers. Granted, this isn't a horror movie, but try to give the same effect. >.< The same applies throughout your entire first chapter and throughout the book. Why make a horror book if your narrator/ main character is not going to be frightened at all, and be on top of everything? :D
Flow and Pace: In addition to what I said above, if it's not already implied, I think everything happening to soon and that you need to take a moment and describe everything, for the style, and just in general for the readers to clearly see what's going on. This is, unless you meant for the style to be undescriptive?
Overall, your flow is neither terrible nor wonderful. It's somewhere in between. Your transitions make sense, but sometimes it feels like you're cutting it too short. The section switches appear really often, to the point where it's sort of chunky-- not chunky, but short and often with not enough substance.
Characters: While reading your first chapter, I have little to comment on regarding your first section. However, a thought that crossed my mind and stayed there was, wow, Seulyi must be a really brave person, who is scared of nothing. She just woke up in an unfamiliar place, and immediately comes to her senses in order to wake up her boyfriend. Granted, you do follow up with a 'resounding slap' which adds to her rough personality. Not much is said on the personality of Myungsoo, except that he is more of a scaredy-cat. I like how Seulyi is really tough, and you stick to that.
However, either she really overtakes the story, or everyone is really calm about this situation, because there is little to no mention of how scared the others are, which makes the story less scary, and less good (if you'll pardon my word usage there).
Tips: Instead of having a cover at the beginning of every chapter, how about considering placing the image with the photographs of all the characters? This way, it's not just an annoying part of the chapter to scroll through, but a place where readers actually look, and potentially reference back to; best of all, it's right within the chapter.
Another tip: I can see you've put a lot of effort into the details of your story. However, that detail has caused you to become blind to other factors that might make you story more enjoyable. Personally, I think you should focus a bit more attention on your characters. Why have so many if all of them are going to be the same? From my perspective, I see little to no difference in characters, and they all just get injured and say let's get on with it. I find it hard to memorize the characters because they aren't unique. Who knows who, who's dating who? (again, going back to tip above) However, you do a great job keeping track of all of your characters. HAving too many is quite a headache >.<
Overall Enjoyment: There were two main things that affected my enjoyment of the story from the very beginning. 1) The characters accepted the fact that this situation occurred with no mention of their previous lives and current predicaments (other than the lottery). Unrealistic. 2) The lack of reaction that the characters had at the cruelness of the game. They only showed a reaction when someone could have died, but at the first few gruesome encounters, they were just like, 'let's get on with this'? Not only was one person like this, but all of them had this mindset, which I found particularily bothersome.
Overall, however, I really enjoyed the horror/fantasy? aspect of it. For some reason, fantasy seems a part of this. Anyway, I really enjoyed your plot, and your chapter name efforts.
Final Notes: So, my big final tip would be to include more details; this is going to make the story scarier, and more ominous. LIKE REALLY. When those iron automations form, follow their every detail. When that iron tree slams into Sunggyu, don't spare any detail. Not only does this make the story more descriptive, it just forms this tone. Also, consider some of my tips, they could make your story better just with a little work. (pointing mainly at that picture ref.)
*Reactions I had while reading your story: 1)She just won the lottery, why would she feel dread? CONFUSED AF but okay. 2)All these characters are badass.
Thank you for requesting. I apologize terribly if there is any words that you take on account for harshness. I sincerely say that I do not want to be harsh! If you want any more help, feel free to message me privately!
*This is a fun category I added on. I'd like to think you would have fun seeing my reactions! ^^
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I sincerely apologized for being gone for too long. I promise I will try and be more active :)
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