shesamytheu
Orchid Story Review Shop \\ Status: Closedpickup for ________
Title: RebootAuthor: shesamytheu
Reviewer: Baekhyun_Biased
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First Thoughts:
- Title: Cool. Definitely gets me wondering about what the story will entail. I get that kinda nerdy feel from it. Nicely done.
- Description: It tells about the story, yet you made it sound very interesting with your word choices. One thing I think you could fix would be to move the Taeyeon quote into the forward, because it doesn't really flow too well when it's just in the middle of the description. Also, I think you could've done without the italicized text entirely, or at least moved it to the foreword. It would just make the whole thing flow better.
- Poster: I love the background and the font. All the colors flow really nicely, and the contrast between the red and yellow is executed perfectly. However, I recognized Irene immediately and got a bit confused, so I would suggest using a less known idol, or even a model of some sort.
Plot: Definitely original and played out well. However, there were some things I found unrealistic. Like in the beginning when Kyungsoo crashed through the window, or when there was the hole in the wall leading to the Occult Club which was littered with cigarette packs. I just thought to myself, would that really ever happen? The story is tagged under sliceoflife, but I don't see those things happening in real life to be honest. Also this is just a little thing, but you said Gain was getting Cs and Bs and that she was almost kicked out of school. I got worse grades than that and I was taking all honors advanced courses. I didn't get kicked out, in fact I graduated with an honors diploma, so I find it sorta unrealistic that Gain was threatened with being kicked out.
Grammar:
Just a few things:
“Right on the spot, I had already estimated the probability of surviving the hearing: eighty-eight percent of the time, I would hit the right spot, and the result of the hearing had just happened to be in that eighty-eight percent side.”
- Use a colon instead of a comma.
“So the thing about the Occult Club not being active since the last three years wasn’t merely a shady reason to stop me from entering any club.”
- Some of your word choices sounded weird. Try changing since to for.
“Ryu mimicked the movement of my lips with the expression of his face exaggerated to the max. Like the immature boy he was, he still thought that it could supply him with satisfaction.”
- You had some run on sentences. And changing “the” to “with” makes the sentence sound much nicer.
Also, make sure to italicize thoughts
Style: You did a wonderful job of making seem like it really was from a teenagers point of view. The word choices and everything made it sound like a teenager would've written that, and for that I commend you. It shows skill that you can write like that. I also appreciated the amount of similes and metaphors you used. It added depth, instead of just stating things as they were. I also thought it was pretty funny how again talked about other humans like she wasn't one.
Characters: Gain was executed perfectly. You were correct when you said she wasn't likable, but that is what I think is great about her. It is good that you made her unlikable, because then she can go through some drastic change and it will create wonderful character development throughout the story. But for where you are at right now, it think she is developing at a good pace. The character I'm really looking for development from is Kyungsoo. He just seems really flat and static right now, but I trust that you can add more to his personality and make him change alongside Gain.
Flow and Pace: I felt like not a lot happened in the first seven chapters. The story kinda feels like it's being drawn out. I felt like chapters five and six especially were just fillers. Might wanna hurry things up a bit there. As for flow, some of your sentences didn't really make sense, or you could've used better words than what you did. Make sure to look out for spots like that.
Overall Enjoyment: Your story is going well so far. It was nice to see a Kyungsoo x OC fic because I haven't seen a lot of those around. Your plot seemed pretty original, and I think it's good you decided to continue it.
Tips: Try to speed up the pacing a bit more, and make sure all your sentences sound flowy and nice. Also, make sure to keep developing those characters, they have a lot of potential. Good luck, I hope this helped!
**** I'm so sorry this took like ten years, I have been very busy recently. But anyway I hope this was worth it and will help you with this story, and future ones. I wish you the best of luck!
Thank you for requesting. I apologize terribly if there is any words that you take on account for harshness. I sincerely say that I do not want to be harsh! If you want any more help, feel free to message me privately!
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I sincerely apologized for being gone for too long. I promise I will try and be more active :)
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