KYX1994
Orchid Story Review Shop \\ Status: Closedpickup for KYX1994
Title: The Day Minseok DisappearedAuthor: KYX1994
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First Thoughts:
- Title: This is a really typical title >.< Whatever though, at this point, title's don't matter to me. Whether or not a title's well crafted doesn't show how good a story will be. The problem I have with the title is because now, only people who know who Mikseok is will actually want to read the story. Even I, who think of Minseok of Xuimin, didn't realize it was about Xuimin. He's my bias, but I'm not really that into EXO, so I don't know all their real names-- just their stage names.
- Description: Ooh. I like it. I have an opposition to using 'nth' but that is honestly just me. I really like it-- short and simple. Maybe put 'their house' instead of 'where they are living together'? The latter sounds more like they are just living there together for a short period of time and aren't close. I'm getting the vibe that they are close, so it's better to put the first.
- Poster: Kewl, and fits the theme. Thumbs up. THERES A BUG IN MY ROOM AJAIDGJAIDFSDJF I CANNOT FOCUS ON YORU REVIEW IT IS FLYING AROUND EVERYWHERE
Plot:
Grammar: You have some places where commas are needed, and and word placement could be better. The fact that english is not your mother tongue makes this seem really impressive! You had close to no grammar mistakes. The only thing I would note on is the impact is in the wrong place in some sentences.
Style: As always, style is your area of improvement. There is a lot of places where things could be a lot more dramatic if you had better syntax and diction. I'm a big fan of this oneshot, and if could be made better in terms of words and sentences, this could honestly be killer, and I'm not saying this lightly! Good job! So for style, just try to remember that every sentence in an emotional scene holds value-- construct them carefully. Especially in a oneshot, you need to pack a punch in your emotional scenes.
Characters: Okay character developement. Your story is a one shot, so there's not much room for developement anyway. I liked Minseok, but it seemed weird because I don't get why Minseok liked Luhan. While the story is from Luhan's POV anyway, I WANT TO KNOW. Okay. I admit it, it doesn't matter. Lol okay.
Flow and Pace: Nice pacing! It makes me want to read more, and everything is at a reasonable pace. I like the flashbacks; no complaints!
Overall Enjoyment: Exciting! I like how each section ends at a cliff hanger and makes we want to keep reading! Nice technique there.
Tips:
- You have a few typos, and a few places where things could be imporved in terms of word placement and commas. Maybe just go back and skim through.
- Center your astriscs.
- "Oblivion. He was so tired and the only thing he wanted was oblivion." || I get what you're trying to get at here, but it's not really used in the correct context, nor does it sound very good >.< Try to use a different word, or make it more poetic.
Final Notes: Oh that was such a bitter ending, but I enjoyed this. Now it's gonna bother me all night T^T So the one thing that I think you could improve on the most is your style. This is supposed to be a mystery one-shot. Your cliff-hangers are great! Now you just need to be able to pack a punhc and leave a strong impresion on readers. While I could see you trying to do that, I feel like it's only half-way there. Read back through. I think you're a good writer, so if you just go back and read like any other reader would, making edits as you go, the story could be much better. (Maybe you already did this?) Anyway, good luck in improving this one-shot! Also, I'm so sorry for like not doing this review for like forever! I hope you forgive me T^T so busy,,,,
*Reactions I had while reading your story: 1) Wow man was that a frickin ghost or something???????????? 2) OOH KEWL. I'm curious to see what's causing the disappearances. 3) It's a monster thing. Ew. Okay. 4) MY XUIMINEEEEE HOW COME YOU DONT REMEMBER HIM.
Thank you for requesting. I apologize terribly if there is any words that you take on account for harshness. I sincerely say that I do not want to be harsh! If you want any more help, feel free to message me privately!
*This is a fun category I added on. I'd like to think you would have fun seeing my reactions! ^^
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I sincerely apologized for being gone for too long. I promise I will try and be more active :)
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