MiyanagaTeru
Orchid Story Review Shop \\ Status: Closedpickup for MiyanagaTeru
Title: BossAuthor: MiyanagaTeru
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First Thoughts:
- Title: It's a single word, so automatically, we're looking for something with a big impact. I think it serves its purpose, however, it seems like 'boss' isn't the serving the main idea of your story, it's just a bridge for your two characters to meet. However, I won't say muuch, because judging of a title is not my thing! ^^
- Description: Nice and it encompasses what they story will be about. However, I would recommend expanding on your story a little bit-- maybe, adding that Amber's boss is Krystal, and maybe a slight clue to give off her personality to tell readers what the story will be mainly about: ex) Amber breaking through Krystal's cold demeanor or Amber healing the scars of her past with the help of Krystal's kind yet distant companionship; something like that.
- Poster: I CAN'T I WON'T OR ELSE I WILL LITERALLY SAY ALL THE BAD THINGS ABOUT MY POSTER AND BASH MYSELF SO HARD. ALL THE POSTERS I MAKE DO NOT ESCAPE MY SELF-DEPRECIATING FURY. Thanks so much for using it though! I cannot tell you how happy it makes me when I see my poster on other people's stories. It makes me so glad! <3 (in addition, I could try to make a background for you if I have the free time; just don't count on it to be soon, but I really want to! XP)
Plot:
Grammar: There are definitely many areas that could use a little tweaking up here and there; some verbs are in the wrong form, and the tenses are a little mixed up here and there; also many plurals mixed up with singulars. Can't include them all for you-- Again ref. coauthors comment from my earlier reviews if you have read them.
Style: I think your narration style for Amber is very good. I like it when stories include this little style that matches with the character's personality-- nicely done! I must comment on the lack of imagery, however: while your emotions are described with skill, I'd like a little more physcial imagery in there to go hand in hand with your emotional imagery. For exmaple, describe the kissing (OMG!) scene, or when it is raining, and Amber has no place to go, how it is parallel to her internal feelings of loneliness and general downcast. ** Added note; in rereading the kiss scene (GUILTY YES) I feel like you should have added more emotion, whether it be that Amber was indifferent regarding her feelings toward Krystal, or rather it was a passionate scene. There was lack of both imageries in this scene, which I would think would need the most of it.
Characters: Both of your characters are really portrayed VERY VERY nicely (AND I MEAN VERY), however, I have a single problem: Amber's perception of Kyrstal seems to be a little uncharacteristic of herself. Seeing as though she thinks of her boss as intimidating, I'm a bit curious as to why she is also narrating/forshadowing the feelings of Krystal so blantantly? Like for example, in chapter 5: "Did she realize how charming I am?" Amber might be a little narcisstic, but I'm getting the feel from earlier on that she thinks of Krystal as someone enigmatic and intimidating. I'd get the idea that maybe she's even too scared to think about what Kyrstal is thinking. Personally, I'd like something more like: 'there was just an irrisistable draw, pulling me closer and close, although I wasn't too sure why.' (THAT WAS SO CHEESY, I'M DEAD)
Flow and Pace: I think the pace was good until the point in which Amber stays at Krystal's house which is around chapter 5. At this point, I think it's going a bit too fast. There should, even their feelings are developing at this point, be more context to their feelings. Why are they feeling this way? What moments are important to them? (Especially other than Kyrstal's looks, because that was overly done) I think adding Amber's gratefulness, and really showcasing that, and conveying that strongly will make readers really into your story more, and make it more realistic. Right now, I'm still skeptical about how fast Amber is getting into Krystal's personality.
Overall Enjoyment: "how a waitress uniform wouldn't suit my y body" is it just me or was that supposed to make me crack up; I found that extremely funny for some reason. I would like to think that this story is third person, but actually your story is in second person. You've referenced the readers many times in the text already; maybe it's just not my style, but I don't like it much? Maybe try to reference readers a little but less- it kinda takes away from the story and the angst. But I'm sure there are tons out there who don't mind, that's just a personal problem for me :P
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Tips: I have a lot of specific items that I would love to improve. I wish I could put it on here, but it's just a lot of work. I can give on or two here, but if you want add me as a co-author and we can work a few details out:
-"Responsiblities, pressure, and family...in short, the life of a Liu." : I love what you're going for here, but there are a few ways to increase the impact. Maybe try: Responsibilities, pressure, family, stress, all these agitations built up inside me like a lump of black coal, and I couldn't take it anymore. (or something that better symbolizes her feelings)
-"Like love, that kind of thing is not my cup of tea." This is something that I find urgently in need of fix (I think, or maybe everything is that way) but I think that comma should become a period, and the next phrase, a sentence. Also, I'd add the word 'just' to 'not my cup of tea.'
- Instead of using the word 'home in your 4th indent/paragraph, I would use a word like 'apartment' or something instead. It immidiately something that caught my eye given that the character was someone who had just gotten kicked out of her past 'home'. Home is a word that generally gives out a warm, fuzzy feeling. House is more tangible, or something of the sort. I'm not sure if I'm being to picky here! Sorry!
- Instead of "waiters/ waitresses, to avoid using the slash, with looks unprofessional, I'd go for the word 'employees.' GOSH DARN IT FORGIVE ME I'VE GONE OVER BOARD WITH THESE LITTLE TIP THINGYS ITS TOO LONG.
- THIS IS A VERY MAJOR MISTAKE!!!!(Sorry if I sound harsh, I just have a lot of writing, so I thought you may have ignored some of the other points.) In your analysis of ip, ego, and superego, going on the info that ip=desire, ego=reason, superego=concience, Amber's feelings are representing ip. There is no conscience in this scene; conscience is more related to the reason, showed in ego. If conscience was to be ruling, Amber would be thinking along these lines: My desire for Krystal was great, but I knew I could not tangle myself in this mess, for my parents would not be pleased, and I'm too proud to kiss my boss. Something like that; it's a lot more similar to ego than ip.
- Needless to say, there are a lot more nitty-picky things that I would love to comment on, but it'd be too long, and I'm not that diligent; I'm a lazyy person; feel free to co-author me anyway ( I think I've said this for all my reviews o.o )
-*added note while reading: don't end your chapters with so yeah. *added note while reading: WHAT THE FHECK SHES ENGAGED WTH. *added note while reading: ITS A DUDE; ITS GONNA BE HER ENGAGEMENT DUDE I KNOW IT
Thank you for requesting. I apologize terribly if there is any words that you take on account for harshness. I sincerely say that I do not want to be harsh! If you want any more help, feel free to message me privately!
**ello! Back with your finished book review; sorry it was a bit long due to your correspondingly long story.
Overall, your story is very nice, with good emotion. I think you should just fix a few grammar mistakes (I CAN HELP AHAHHAHHA) and elaborate on the emotions that characters feel to make it more powerful and 'breath-taking'. (ooh) Good luck!!! <3
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I sincerely apologized for being gone for too long. I promise I will try and be more active :)
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