pickup for undergroundmuses
Title: Mutually Beneficial
Author: undergroundmuses
Reviewer: Baekhyun_Biased
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First Thoughts:
- Title: Ooohhhh nice. Makes the story seem interesting and mature. It's not your typical title, which is intriguing.
- Description: It conveys the story well like all descriptions should. The story itself sounds very interesting from the description, so nice job there.
- Poster: I like this a lot. At first glance, it appears very visually appealing, but there's more to it as you continue to look at it. The right side has a red hue, then fades into a golden hue on Yoongi’s side. The whole thing looks pretty, and conveys the mature vibe I'm getting from your story so far (Also Yoongi looks super hot in that photo).
Plot: This plot is so interesting! I started to realize around the third chapter that it was kind of like Beauty and the Beast. The whole mafia drama on top of the characters personal feelings… it's just so entertaining. The way you conveyed the mafia concept was great as well. It didn't seem cheesy at all, and that is what I found most appealing. I can tell the story will only get better.
Grammar: Overall, you did pretty well at not making too many mistakes, but there were some things that I caught:
“‘Since the JWC went bankrupt, they’re weapon numbers have dropped which you can help with. There’s the fact that the public would eat up the Min heir and Kang heiress marriage up and both your companies will boom,’ Kai listed off. ‘Also, a marriage between you two will guarantee a truce between EXO and Bangtan which is something they need right now.’”
- There should be a comma at the end of a quote if the sentence continues like it does here. There should be a period once the sentences is over, even if there is more speech after it.
“‘Why are we even discussing this? If the only way we’re going to get an alliance with EXO is through a marriage then them.’ Yoongi’s temper flared again at the thought of EXO playing them in the palm of their hands.”
- You had a few run on sentences like this one. It would sound much nicer if you were to break it into two sentences.
There were times where would would say “Mr. Min” and there would be no period there. Make sure to get that fixed.
Besides that, I didn't see anything really repetitive, other than some minor grammar errors that beta-reading or proofreading would fix.
Style: I have really no criticism here. Your writing style was easy to understand, and fit the concept of your story well. The one thing I didn't like was the amount of run on sentences, but I guess that's more of a grammar thing. Nice work!
Characters: Okay, I love the way you portrayed Seulgi's character… I have no idea why you were worried about it. She has this tough persona about her that she conveys to others, but inside the reader can still tell that she is frightened as well. That facade will break down over time as she starts to open herself up more to Yoongi (I'm guessing Yoongi is the love interest, right?), and vice versa. The only thing I was worried about was the story sounding a bit stereotypical. Seulgi and Yoongi’s relationship is basically a beauty and the beast love story, and it isn't hard to predict where the story is heading. But overall, the characters are very nicely done, and will end up becoming very dynamic, which is a good trait for characters to have.
Flow and Pace: The story was paced wonderfully, I had no complaints there. I really didn't have any complaints for the flow either, except for one. There were times when you would call a character by their stage name at a unfitting moment. I think you called EXO’s Chen by his stage name instead of his real name, Kim Jongdae, when you were referring to the others by their real names in the first chapter. And in the second chapter, you called BTS’s Seokjin Jin after calling him by his real name before. It might just be me being picky, but I thought it kind of messed up the flow for me, just a bit.
Overall Enjoyment: I'm hooked on this fic. Definitely going to continue reading it. This storyline is one of the best ones I've read in awhile, so be proud. I think I can safely say I'm glad I chose to do this review.
Tips: Just keep doing what you are doing and the fic will turn out great. I honestly have no doubts that this will be a big hit. Sorry if I didn't give a lot of constructive feedback, I just thought this fic was so great. Just make sure to get the little grammar errors fixed and your story will be nearly perfect. And maybe add a twist or something like that to your story to make it sound a bit less stereotypical. Nice work so far, and good luck!
*****Thank you so much for being so patient. As you may have read in Spark's update, some of our reviewers went on hiatus, so we don't have many people working right now. I hope this review was worth the wait. Again, thanks for requesting and being patient with us, we appreciate it!
Thank you for requesting. I apologize terribly if there is any words that you take on account for harshness. I sincerely say that I do not want to be harsh! If you want any more help, feel free to message me privately!
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