TinyRedRose
Orchid Story Review Shop \\ Status: Closedpickup for TinyRedRose
Title: Hell Wants an AngelAuthor: TinyRedRose
________ (Note: WOW 1000+ subs!!!)
First Thoughts:
- Title: It encompasses the story's plot well; also it does kinda sound kinda interesting. I like it!
- Description: I like those little thorn bush things, but I'm not really sure they match with your poster/theme. Maybe if you could find black roses and thorns? Or maybe fire. Something more hell-like. Overall, I have to say, it looks vry visually appealing. Below are edits (bold):
After a long war between (the?) Angels & Demons, the ancestors made a contract to stop the (ruthless and unending) violence and end the dark times. The contract hasd never been broken. Uuntil now., The Demons are tired of living being on the earth messing (around) with (the) humans. They have instead decided to mess around with innocent Angels, the Demons lie to the Angels and make them break the promise of being obedient to Heaven.
- Poster: Fits with your story, except you put comedy on your request, but I don't really see any comedy. I actually see some angst, even, I'd say.
________
Plot: Seems interesting; not original, but I wouldn't really care as a reader. I actually really am interested to see where it will go! A loophole is, why would the demons choose that specific couple of all the ones on earth to bother? And there's way too much wrong in the world, so why would the angels try and solve this specific one? There's definitely things you need to explain. Why is Amber on the demon side? Why is the Forbidden Forest so bad? While I get that some things you want to leave a mystery, or explain later, there's a lot of things that confuse me, and I think at least some should be explained.
Grammar: Mainly tense mistakes which are common, along with sentence structures and word choices that could be improved. Some of the mistakes seem to be just accidents and not on purpose, so read over them. If you need any help reading over to fix mistakes you can PM later XD
Style: I do see the hints of comedy in here! I like it, and so I think you add more. In terms of clairty, I think a lot could be improved. Sometimes, you address people by using 'the elder' or 'the younger', which for me is really confusing. Especially if someone doesn't know all the birthdates of EXO members (me lol). I think your execution is really great! It's really engaging and makes the story pleasant to read. I think the action scenes could use a lot of improvement however. More details in general so the readers know what's going on. While reading the scenes, I just have a lot of questions and things I'm confused about. However, aside from that, the style is nice.
Characters: Since you have a lot of characters, I just want to add that it's hard to keep track of them all in the mind of the reader. As an author, maybe write a little clearer. I get that it's hard to keep all your characters' personalities in mind while writing, but try to have a distinct personality for your main characters. In addition, try to have a reason for your characters motives. For the most part, I'm still not sure why some of the characters are fighting. Also, if specific characters rank higher than others (king to prince), then make them seem that way.
ex) "Baekhyun enough go back, that's an order" Yifan spoke, walking to them.
"Why? I can't believe you're so stupid to let him live..." Baekhyun scoffed.
"I said go home, I will not ask again brother" Yifan eyes turned Dark Red.
Baekhyun flinch a bit as he curse in a low voice "As you wish Brother, it was nice playing with you, Tao" he smirked and snapped his fingers, vanishing. || It seems like Yifan is the king here, but I thought Baekhyun was from your introduction?
Flow and Pace: Try to explain actions more-- don't speed by! During action scenes, slow down and capture all that's going on. Since your story is focused on those supernatural beings, and that story, I think you should really focus on the fighting and relationships that happen between them. When actual drama happens too, take a moment to explain what's going on. A lot of the times I'm confused, so take a moment! :) Also try to make transitions between characters clearer. When you switch to a different setting, press 'enter' to let readers know your going to switch.
Tips: **IMPORTANT: I know you're not native, so I get it's hard to know: ALOT is not a word. The correct way to write this is: a lot. A lot of native speakers get this wrong because it's the way we talk, but gramatically, the space in between needs to be there; they are two seperate words.
- "Yifan smirked as he got his sword out and summoned Baekhyun and Yixing, they look at the elder confused and Yifan pointed at the sky." || you originally spelled in 'summond', but I wasn't sure if that was a typo or if you didn't know, so I put it here ^^
- Sometimes you have a long line of dialogue. Try to vary it a bit so that it's not just people talking for an entire length.
Final Notes: Your story is really good overall, I have to say! Here are some things you need to work on: 1) Grammar-- mainly tense problems, and puntuation. PM me if you need help! 2) Clarity-- Why the characters are doing what they're doing, what the characters are doing what they are doing. 3)Imagery-- show how the characters are doing what they are doing. 4) ADD COMEDY!!!! (Lol)
Overall Enjoyment: It was nice to read, although, as you put in your request, the grammar is something to work on. The plot is DEFINITELY something worth reading! I don't know if it's original or not (I'm not so sure now XD) but I think it's really interesting! The lack of grammar, if I'm being frank, is a serious turn-down for me. It kinda looks messy, which makes me not want to read it. Your style was nice though, from what I could tell. I would like it more if you'd add a little more comedy, and potentially change to poster to match it up to a comedic setting though.
*Reactions I had while reading your story: WOW This is better than I expected (I've never read a supernatural fanfic heh) || ermahgood Kyunsoo is dead || WOOWWWW JONGIN WHATCHA DOING BOI || WOW, there's a new king? *gasps* || Tao watching Sehan/Luhun!!! ||
Thank you for requesting. I apologize terribly if there is any words that you take on account for harshness. I sincerely say that I do not want to be harsh! If you want any more help, feel free to message me privately!
*This is a fun category I added on. I'd like to think you would have fun seeing my reactions! ^^
**I know that this review was a bit disorganized. I was rushed to finish this, and I'm pretty sure it shows! Sorry TT-- if you are confused about anything, just comment again >.<
Like this story? Give it an
Upvote!
Thank you!
I sincerely apologized for being gone for too long. I promise I will try and be more active :)
Comments