pickup for Kai-chan

Title: Foreign

Author: Kai-chan

________

First Thoughts:

 - Title: So since this is obviously probably about Korea or in Korean, I automatically get the mindset that the girl is some foreigner or something, because that typically happens in fanfictions, haha. It's kinda too early to see if that fits or not, but actually personally, I think that title is unique-- I've never seen a story with that title before even though it's one word. It does kind of spark my interest. 

 - Description: So your description has a few errors in terms of punctuation, so I'll go ahead and edit those for you :) To me overall, I think it is pretty good, and it seems to be a quote from your story, so it's not like I can ask you to change it anyway XD

"I think Kim Taehyung is hot," is what I told my best friend Sunhyun.
But never in my wildest dreams have I ever imagined befriending him.

And it's all thanks to 'The passenger'.

 - Poster: (N/A) I couldn't see it for some reason.

Plot: I actually think your plot was quite nice. I'm sure there's a story out there that also has the same plot, but I don't know why but I like yours. I somehow get the feel that it's original although it's probably not XD

Grammar: Okay, just as a tip, but you should put spaces AFTER punctuation. This makes everything look neater, and it's just the proper way to write in general. If you have questions on how to really do the punctuation, there are tons of examples every where on the Internet. Generally, you should be adding a space after a period, when you're starting a new sentence, or after you put in a comma. Do not put the space in before the comma; make sure it's after it. Also, you need to put in either commas or periods or some type of punctuation at the end of your dialouge. If there's no punctuation, then it's not correct. IN SOME PLACES, YOU ARE MISSING COMMAS THAT ARE VITAL TO THE SENTENCE MEANING. CHECK BACK. In addition, while I know this isn't much of a grammar thing, I keep getting these little weird marks while I'm reading that look like : "«" I'm not sure what they are, but they seem to appear everywhere instead of quotation marks. I think you should use actual quotation marks instead. That looks neater, makes it easier to read, and makes it easier to notice other more subtle problems in the story. This isn't grammar as well, but I'm going to include a little tip for spelling as well. I l know that you're not native, but I'd make sure I was spelling some of these things correctly, especially if you're using a big word. Here's an ex: "-« Honey,that’s how ‘crushing’ starts.you think of someone,your curiosity arouses,you start having interest in him and poof ! crush certified » she shruggs nonechantly and sips her coke,giving me one of those ‘It’s the circle of life’ looks." || First of all, you're missing spaces after the first comma. It should be: Honey, that's how... Second, You need to capitalize 'you' after the word starts, and add a space after the period. Third, subtract the space before that exclamation point. That should be used just like a period, with a space after it. Fourth, you've spelled "shrugs" wrong; there is only one 'g'. Fifth, I know that you've meant to put the word nonchalantly here, but if someone where to be a non-English native, they would have trouble figuring that word out. I hope these tips helped you. Make sure to encorporate those tips everywhere in your writing, and not just in the above quote.

Style: Sometimes, for some reason, I see that non-native English speakers just love to write the word 'you' in their stories. While readers everywhere probably don't have a problem with this, I personally do. Just for me, I have a particular aversion to it just because it makes it seem like the author is talking to the reader, and not telling the story. It just makes it seem unprofessional for me. However, to some it might be more engaging, so I'm just stating my personal preferences here. I like your style somewhat, but it's hard for me really to concentrate while reading your story because of the punctuation problems mentioned above. A thing I'd like to note for you is that I see that you're trying to use big words. For the most part, you use them correctly, but other places, they don't make sense in terms of context, like when you mentioed unethical brain cells. I can tell that you enjoyed that book. I think it's a great idea to put that into use! The only thing that I would really comment on is that you should try to transition the dialouge a little better. I can rarely tell who's speaking when she's with Taehyung. I like your ending; it's cute.

Characters: Your dialouge was quite enjoyable in itself. It's realistic enough. However, I find your analysis of your dialouge to be quite unrealistic. There are some parts to the main character where I do sometimes debate is realistic. Like when she tries to guess what Taehyung's paper has, but she has 'horrible eyesight'? That doesn't seem right. Shouldn't she have glasses, or something of the sort? If it's the angle that is preventing her from reading it, definitely don't blame her sight, because it's going to bring up more confusion.

Flow and Pace: As I said, transitions need to be a little smoother in terms of dialouge and dialouge analysis needs to be clearer. The reason I said that 'clearer' part is because I think in order for you to be more clear, you should slow down a little and take a few lines or sentences to fully explain what the character's feelings. Although this is just suggestion, because I think you did pretty well as it is, but I just didn't like parts of it because it was unrealistic. I'm thinking maybe it wasn't, but your wording made it a little unclear, so I'm just suggesting to write down a little more.

Overall Enjoyment: I liked your story aside from all the punctuation problems and all that. If that single thing could get fixed, I honestly think that it would be a million times better. It would just appeal to my eyes more. I liked the plot, and I liked the ending and beginning, and especially how they went together like a puzzle piece! Nice : )

Tips:

     - "I don’t want to be racist,I love all books,but school related ones are No No." || Underlined word DEFINITELY does not fit in context. Put spaces in between racist and I, books and but. Fix to: "..ones are a no-no."

Final Notes: You might want to work on your spelling and working on punctuation. I think maybe work on realisticity, but I'm getting a fluff vibe from your story, and fluffs aren't usually realistic, so that's just a suggestion. Speaking of fluff, your story is fluff. Like really strong fluff. I'd recommend getting a book cover that matches so that you can attract readers, AND DEFINITELY tagging your story fluff. I see that you haven't and I feel like if you did, you would probably get a lot more views. (I think) XD So all in all, I feel like you should fix punctuation since it really took away from the overall experience, just like grammar usually does. After you fix it, you should TOTALLY notify me because I wanna reread it again to see if I picked something up that I didn't before.

Sorry for any mistakes and inconsistencies in this review, because I didn't read back. (Too busy for that lul)

Thank you for requesting. I apologize terribly if there is any words that you take on account for harshness. I sincerely say that I do not want to be harsh! If you want any more help, feel free to message me privately!

=^.^=