pickup for sylviaplant
Title: Chasing Bees
Author: sylviaplant
Reviewer: Baekhyun_Biased
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First Thoughts:
- Title: Nice. I've heard stories that start with the word ‘chasing’, but the word ‘bees’ makes it sound really original. It also conveys that childhood feeling I'm sure you were going for (I saw childhoodlove was one of the tags).
- Description: Impactful, emotional. It conveys a feeling of struggle very well. The wording you chose is beautiful, and perfectly compliments the content. It absolutely pains me to say that this is a run on sentence. Taking out the ‘and’ and putting a period where the first comma is would make it okay. Also, I’d take out the first ‘to’, because it's pretty much redundant
- Poster: Oh where do I even start. This is absolutely beautiful. It seriously looks like it's painted. I find it amazing how you made the pride flag flow so perfectly with Tzuyu and Jeongyeon. Everything about this is absolutely perfect, from the colors, to the texture, to the font, to even their expressions. I can safely say this is the best looking poster I have ever seen for a fan fiction.
Plot: I think what made this story so wonderful was how relatable it is. Everyone has had there Jeongyeon, that special someone that they admired and loved and wanted with everything in them. We have all looked up to someone when we were young, and romantically or not, we have all wanted that person. You conveyed this concept beautifully. Tzuyu’s struggle with coming to terms with her feelings is something readers can relate to as well. But, like you were worried about, I did find the story a bit unrealistic. I found it hard to believe that Jeongyeon and Tzuyu would end up together with how much of an there was there. Maybe if it would have been like 3-4 years at the max… but 7-8 was just too much.
Grammar: There were some errors I caught:
“Tzuyu shook her head lightly and said, ‘No, I only played the piano.’"
- Take out the -ed in “played”. It isn't past tense, so it should be “play”.
“She didn't know why a simple gesture like a touch of her hand as Jeongyeon adjusted her fingers on the fret board sent an electrifying feeling throughout her body, and how every time they parted, she felt like a piece of herself was still left clutching onto Jeongyeon, trying to get a hold of her, giving herself bit by bit, and by the time there were no more pieces left to offer, they'd never have to be apart.”
- Run on sentences appeared a lot throughout your writing. You managed to make them flow very well, but technically they are still grammatically incorrect. I'd recommend putting a period in place of the first comma here, and change the “and” after it to “she didn't know”. It creates a sense of repetitiveness, but in this case it will only make it sound more impactful (also the symbolism here is great 10/10).
“Tzuyu knew the song, because she was familiar with Western bands, including A Rocket to the Moon, although it wasn't her personal preference, because her brother listened to their music a lot, which was fine because it still helped her in learning English, so she could adequately speak and understand it.”
- You use A LOT of commas. You can substitute periods for some of them here. Put a period in place of the third and fifth commas.
“Who was her to Jeongyeon anyway other than a little sister”
- “She” not “her”.
But don't be extremely worried about your grammar because to be honest, you write better than people I've met who are fluent in English. The story was still well written despite this.
Style: You had a very unique style of writing, and to say the least I wouldn't have guessed English wasn't your first language if you wouldn't have told me. It was mature yet understandable, and very fitting. There were some sentences that I thought could've been improved, however:
“The city capital's skyscrapers began to dwindle as they moved past, making Tzuyu feel like they were the ones running away from her.”
- I love this sentence. However, I think it would sound better if you were to take out the phrase, ‘the ones’.
“It was extremely driving her insane, how the new place had made her feel.”
- Change “extremely driving her insane” to “driving her extremely insane”. It will sound a lot nicer.
Besides that, I loved your use of symbolism. It made the story sound meaningful and mature. The amount of description used was perfect as well. Often times authors don't use enough description, but I felt that wasn't the case here.
Characters: I felt like as a reader, I could really feel Tzuyu’s emotions. You described her feelings so well. I really understood what she was going through, and I feel like she was very well written. As for the supporting characters, they were described just as well, and had discernible traits which was good.
Flow and Pace: No complaints here. It was paced well in relation to the plot, and the follow and transitions of your words were nice. Good job.
Overall Enjoyment: I liked this story a lot. It was really cute, and you conveyed this concept very well. I almost got a nostalgic feel while reading it. I know not all writers would be able to pull that off. Please keep writing!
Tips: Just fix some simple grammar mistakes and maybe get a beta-reader whose first language is English in order to help your sentences sound better. But other than that, I'd say just keep practicing writing until you are completely fluent, and take note of writing styles you see in other fanfics (but be sure to keep your style original because I thought your style was pretty great). I wish you the best of luck in your writing career!
Thank you for requesting. I apologize terribly if there is any words that you take on account for harshness. I sincerely say that I do not want to be harsh! If you want any more help, feel free to message me privately!
****Thank you so much for being patient with this review. We have been pretty busy and a lot of our reviewers are on hiatus. I hope this was worth the wait, and will help you with your writing in the future. Thanks for requesting!
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