eoeoeandstuff
Orchid Story Review Shop \\ Status: Closedpickup for eoeoeandstuff
Title: A Story Never WrittenAuthor: eoeoandstuff and jjenga-
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First Thoughts:
- Title: I think you may have expected this comment already, but this title is really hooking. It seems interesting! The only problem I really have with this title, looking at it right now, is that I'm not really sure how it correllates with the story. However, with long stories like yours, that will be continuing for a long time, I find it less worrying. I like it overall.
- Description: OMG yay! I really like this desc. It's especially important to tell readers what they need to be expecting. This is a really large turn-off for me for most stories; because they don't tell me what I'll be reading, I don't even want to try. I know it's bad, but as an author, we have to try and cater that, so that we can pick up more readers, and you have got the description down perfectly. The only thing I'd really say, is try rewording parts to make it clearer to read. Like everywere else, there's almost always a better way to reword things. You might want to take the time and read over it to possibly reword things, but it's not something that's affecting my ability to understand. (Good job ^^)
- Poster: I really like this poster! The top part. The bottom part is confusing to me. Why are Jimin and Suga purple-ish? It's kinda deterring. Otherwise, find with me. I can tell it's angsty. I can't really see the fluff, but whatever, since your main theme is angst anyway.
Plot: I like your plot idea! :D
Grammar: Nothing here, you're a native (But to be honest, all those natives whocan't differentiate their 'to's from their 'too's? UGH. Once, a girl was peer editing my essay, and she commented on my grammar, and she said it was 'to many 'is's' or something like that, because I probably typed is double on accident, but I couldn't get over the fact that she couldn't even get her grammar right while peer editing my paper. GEEz LOL.
Style: So, style. Yea... It varies with the authors. I mean, the majority of the fics I've read on AFF are the same: First, dialouge, then action, then feeling, then dialouge, action, feeling, etc. Boring. That's why you gotta add style. I didn't particularily see anything special in yours, but that's not necessarliy surprising either. A lot of times, I've really been varying my expectations with style. Sometimes I lower them because it's hard to have a good style when you're not a native speaker, but I think you are, right? I've seen that you've heard of the book To Kill a Mockingbird, and I'm then going to presume that you've read this particular book in your English class. I'm not sure what your teacher is like, but when I learned about this book, my teacher talked less about style and more about the characters and depth and things like that. If you want a book that shows really good style, and is really prominent, I recommen All Quiet on the Western Front, which is a war novel, and is not a hard read at all. Pretty famous too. If you ever do read it, get back to me on that one, and we can discuss together ^^
Characters: Nothing to say here, I think it's pretty obvious that Yoongi is pretty in-depth as a character. Jimin, eh, but like can I really
Flow and Pace: And here we go with this ^^ So, I see that in chapter 2 you already have the dreaded conversation already. However, I think that it's honestly too soon. Not because of the chapter number or anything like that. I just feel like there wasn't enough emotional build-up to make that conversation really hold any emotion value for me. I was kind of indifferent to it. I suggest putting more misbehaviors, really try to show that rebel Yoongi for what he is. Show his anger, and try to really dig into him and get Jimin all riled up. And then it explodes. The exploding part was fine, in my opinion, just more build-up.
- This isn't Flow and Pace but I'm putting this here anyway: "Jimin took a deep breath, trying to bring his volume back down. “Why do I care? Because I do my best to love everyone.*” Yoongi’s eyes widened. 'Yes, it may not be my future, but as your teacher, I’m here to make sure there’s actually a future for you to have.'" || Okay, I find it hard to believe that Yoongi's eyes widened at this point. Partially because the line is so cheesy, but mostly because there was no context to how this was said. I hope you get what I mean when I say this >.< The only reason I put this here, is because it's an example of what you could do in terms of pacing. Sometimes, it seems like you're rushing the crucial scenes. Try putting more substance in. This will not only make it more clear to the reader, but also make it... well flow better and stuff. Ew. Stuff. But you get me right? XD And in addition, this was supposed to be a crying scene, but I feel emotionless. Try to work on that heart-wrenching style and use better vocabulary and stuff. (Sorry, it's late, and I can only use the word stuff now.)
Overall Enjoyment: I liked it to an extent, as always, there's something to be improved. To be hoenst, I'm writing this at 11:30 at night, so obviously, I'm not really sharp in the brain right now, but all in all, I think your story was well written!
Tips: When you are writing dialouge, it's really confusing to readers when you write a line of speech for a character, and on the same line, a different character reacts to it. If you want to show a different character's reaction to that line of dialogue, do it on the following line. When you do dialouge, that line is reserved for the character(s) saying the line. That's a general rule I go by, and I think most authors do as well. It just eliminates confusions.
- Also, sorry, I just had to include this, but why of all books did you choose To Kill a Mockingbird? I have read this book for school, yes, but I don't live in Korea. This book is about racial prejudices and things like that, and is placed in Southern America. I don't think it really relates to your story. I get that it's a really prominent peice of literature, and you want to use that in the stead of a really prominent Korean book, but I recommend using a book that somehow relates to your story's theme a little bit better, especially since Jimin is an English teacher. **BTW THE FIRST TIME YOU WROTE TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD, YOU DIDN'T ITALICIZE IT
- I don't like it much when people refer to characters as 'boy.' I don't know if you're a native enligsh-speaker, but generally, we don't use boy in terms of vocative or to describe the gender of a child. If we use boy in its vocative case, it's usually used in a ruder sense, which is why I don't generally like it when it's used in stories as a noun. I'd settle with using their actual names or other pronouns. Also, no using 'the speaker' to address a character. I saw that in chapter 2. Or older male. **I'm not saying to change all of them, just consider this in future writing >.<
- So to help you in your writing in general, I've decided to include a quote and notes on it:"'Really, Yoongi, if you need help, I can-' The brunette hit his fist against the desk." || So the first thing I notice in this is that there are supposed to be two dashes. Lol. And the next is that I when you're narrating, there should be a reason for everything you write. So, in this quote, it's Jimin who's being cut off by Suga's fist. But is it Suga's fist hitting the desk, or is it the noise from that contact? So here we go; there's our answer. Here's my suggestion: "Really, Yoongi, if you need help, I can--" he was interrupted by the smack of the student's fist on the cold desk. The sharp sound reverberated in the empty classroom."
Final Notes: to be honest, sitting here, reading your stuff about English books, I really so bad want to just sit there and discuss literature with you. I know, I'm so bad. Ugh the urge. Kay! Well, my final notes are gonna be y, because at this point, I don't even really care about grammar and stuff. So really, I liked you story so far ^^ As I said, I don't know why you chose To Kill A Mockingbird out of all the peices of literature in the world, in my view, there could have been a better choice, although feel free to rebute my thinking here. ^^ Anyway, I ENJOYED READING ABOUT A BOOK I ALREADY READ. IT WAS FUN.
*Reactions I had while reading your story: OMG those girls who stayed after to talk to Jimin in the first chapter lololol || WOW What they heck?!! How can someone be 21 and have a bachelors? HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE IS HE A FRICKIN GENIUS. I'll just give this one to you since I don't really care, and the story line is completely dependent on this fact, but man that's crazy. || OMG WHEN YOU BRING UP JEM AND CUNNINGHAM AND ATTICUS THESE MEMORIES OH THESE PAINFUL ESSAY WRITING MEMORIES ||
Thank you for requesting. I apologize terribly if there is any words that you take on account for harshness. I sincerely say that I do not want to be harsh! If you want any more help, feel free to message me privately!
**I didn't read through this, just typed down as I went, so sorry if things are a bit disorganized.
*This is a fun category I added on. I'd like to think you would have fun seeing my reactions! ^^
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I sincerely apologized for being gone for too long. I promise I will try and be more active :)
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