jessicachu
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Title: Royally YoursAuthor: Jessicachu
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First Thoughts:
- Title: Cute. Honestly it really didn't stand out to me, but that doesn't really matter.
- Description: I like it! Despite the fact that it's long, it tells me a lot about the story, and it definitely pulls me in.
- Poster: For some reason, the book cover reminds me of a shop banner. o.o I don't know why but it does. It's typography based, and it's fluffy, so yea it fits, but still the banner vibe >.<
Plot: Ooh, I like it. I especially like the end of the first chapter, and the plot line's going well so far. It's hard to write about a lot of drama going in and intertwining at the same time, right? I hope you do well in alter chapters!
Grammar: Nice, although better punctutation usages in some places could be helpful, but nothing really wrong with grammar. Also, press enter not only for different paragprahs, but also when a different person speaks. It makes it easier for readers, and I think it's the preferred way to do it in creative writing in general anyway.
Style: Originally, I wasn't going to add something on this, because I hadn't noticed anything, and nothing really stood out, but on further reading, I have noticed something. When reading this story, I get really bored with the way you word sentences.
Here's an example:
"A few hours passed, and the boys eventually finished their work. As Jungkook and Hoseok were in charge of cleaning up the meeting room, Yoongi and Jin talked a bit while Taehyung had ventured off by himself to clean up the school secretary's desk, where he did his student council work when she wasn't there. While Taehyung had messily gathered his papers, he knocked a student file that was on top of the filing cabinet next to the desk. " || This entire chunk of text was full of simple sentence structure. Even though it's long, really the base of the sentence is simple. This really contributed to a sense of repetativeness that can turn off the reader. I'm not saying go back and fix, more like a try to keep this in mind while writing your story. You are a Native English speaker I'm guessing, (? XD) so I think this will be easy for you. It may have been just a problem of you not being aware of this. Now you're aware! ^^ Otherwise, you have a nice fluffy kind of style.
Flow and Pace: Your flow's not bad at all. The dialogue spruces everything up, and it's what I enjoy the most in the story. Not only this, but since your chapters are like episodes, the transitions, (meaning the flow) isn't bad at all, rather on the good side. I have no complaints. Addressing your problem about how main characters get into relationships too quickly: I don't see the problem with Taerene (heehee) and I don't see one with SeulYoon, since they were already together. Taerene's actions really do make sense, and go in line. I do think that part where Irene calls back to Taehyung to stop the secret from getting out can use a little tweaking in terms of style to make it seem more dramatic, but really, I don't have a problem with it. Your story has the style of short, tiny, episodes, which is really enjoyable. Because of this, I think that if you have a problem with pacing, it cancels out well.
Characters: Your choice of third person omniscent allows you to portray characters' feelings well. Since it's fluff, and you're trying to give the reader everything that's going on, I get that it's hard to really put any emotional different between the characters. Your characters are realistic for a fluff story, but your style is kind of boring, and almost seems to list things. It's a give and take, and I'm giving my piece here and saying that I think this ends up more on the positive side of things.
Overall Enjoyment: Didn't really stand our nor did it stand in (lul I mean opposite of stand out whatever that is) I just got this idea right now, but wouldn't it be so kewl if you just included a tiny snippet of the school's gossip newspaper or something? That would be so fun ^^ Like at the end of every chapter or something. I really like the story's plotline to be honest :D
Tips:
- "He couldn't imagine being with a C-average student, could one imagine what that would do to his reputation?" || Suggested: He couldn't imagine being with a C-average student-- imagine what that would do to his reputation!
- "'You know, if you get voted for Homecoming court, then you have to go,' Joy chimed," || Is the court supposed to mean queen or did you actually mean court?
- A specific problem is that I think you need to report the character's feelings more after events. I think it's a bad thing that I'm surprised when Wendy says that she hates Taehyung. I even thought she was beginning to like him at one point, so when she goes back and says she hates him, I was a little taken aback. Even if you don't report feelings, just try to convey it a little more often, because I should be getting a vibe of how they feel towards each other solely based off interactions. If hate can be mistook for cute flirting (7), something's a little off ^^
Final Notes: I ENJOY THIS DRAMA MAN, I AM DRINKING THIS UP MAN. I LIKE IT. If I had anything to say that you could improve on, I'd say try to improve on style; see my notes above. Otherwise, I really adore this story ^^
**Thank you for requesting. I apologize terribly if there is any words that you take on account for harshness. I sincerely say that I do not want to be harsh! If you want any more help, feel free to message me privately!
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I sincerely apologized for being gone for too long. I promise I will try and be more active :)
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