deedee_zelo90
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Title: The North StarAuthor: deedee_zelo90
Reviewer: counterattack
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First Thoughts:
- Title: Interesting. I don't know how the others interpreted this title but for me, north star is a symbol for leadership and direction. Since this story is about how love can change you and lead you in different directions (for better or worse), I think the title is appropriate.
- Description: The description is intriguing, yet the way it is written feels off to me. The flow is chunky and the description itself is also kind of wordy. If it was me writing this description, it would only be one sentence: love can change a person, but not necessarily for the better.
- Poster: It looks great.
Plot: The thing is...you kind of gave away the entire plot in the foreword. I already know what is going to happen and who is going to fall in love with who. The point of foreword is not to summarize the entire fic but to provide some additional intriguing information.
There aren't any surprises and everything was predictable. This is very typical high school manga to me.
Grammar:
There are many problems when it comes to the grammar. I was informed that you are getting a beta reader and hopefully majority of what I am about to mention will be fixed soon.
1. Word choice: Try finding expressive words. For example, in first chapter when Yuki was walking in on her boyfriend, you had a line that was like "with all strength in her body, she walked through the hall". This was a moment of high anger for Yuki so instead of a tame word like 'walked', you could have chosen something else. I can't think of anything good off the top of my head right now but something that'll bring out a little more emotion. Even 'marched across the hall' would sound better.
2. Sometimes it is difficult to figure out who is talking.
"Wow...aren't you feisty." Hyosung, his -girl of the day spoke. The girl threw Hyosung one of her piercing glares and grabbed her by her hair, pulling her out of bed, as the other desperately tried to get out fo the grasp.
In this paragraph, the girl was likely referring to Yuki but this is not very clear. The abundance of 'her's also didn't help with the flow of the paragraph. Let me try to rewrite it for you.
"Wow, aren't you feisty," drawled Hyosung, who happened to be Himchan's -girl of the day.
Yuki threw Hyosung one of her infamous piercing glares as she lurched forward, expression unamused as she seized the other girl by the hair and towed her out of the bed.
Something like that. Just make it clear who is doing the grabbing and who is being grabbed.
3.Having Japanese in the middle of the fic was really unnecessary. I understand you wanted to show that Yuki was Japanese but you could have just said she shouted everything in Japanese instead of making readers scroll all the way down for the translations. For me personally, the fact Japanese appeared out of nowhere and I had to search for the meaning completely took me out of the intense scene in the fic.
And why did she choose to shout in Japanese anyway? Could Hyosung even understand her? If she could, then why weren't they communicating in Japanese the entire time?
4. Repetitive: You use the same descriptive words over and over again. For example, the word 'surprise'.
Flow and Pace: Pacing is not bad but the flow could really use some work. Your flash back scenes could have been inserted better and had there been a better transition, you wouldn't have felt it was necessary to put FLASHBACK & FLASHBACK ENDED in the fic.
Style: You missed a lot of opportunities to increase the impact of the story. For example, in first chapter, you mentioned there being various articles of clothing scattered around the apartment, male and female ones. Instead of just saying that, you could have described the scene. Maybe have Yuki walk in to see her boyfriend's pants carelessly discarded on the floor and a lacey bra hanging over the lamp in the living room? It would be easier for readers to visualize the scandalous scene that way & make things more exciting for them.
Characters: I disliked all of the characters and find them to be Japanese manga stereotypes. None of them truly experienced a change except for Himchan but I didn't really buy his development anyway. I think he just missed Yuki because she was gone and didn't really love her even by the end. Think about it, if you loved someone, would you really treat them so horribly? If you did it because you are afraid of love and thought it was better if they left you, then WHY would you decide otherwise after just a conversation with your bestie?
Here, I'll break them down:
Yuki was a pushover and allowed Himchan to step all over her. It's been hinted at the end of the fic that she'll take back her cheating of a boyfriend. I find it difficult to like someone who have no respect in themselves and because of that, I found Yuki's personality extremely annoying.
Himchan was the boyfriend who realized he loved his girlfriend only after losing her. Actually an awful person. There's no love in this one's heart, only selfishness.
Yongguk: Standard best friend who helped the main guy character figure out his true feelings. There's someone like him in every high school romance manga.
Yin: Typical best friend of main girl character. Supportive and caring but unfortunately does not have a real personality.
Overall Enjoyment: This story might pass for some younger readers but for me (an old fart), it just didn't hit the mark. There wasn't much of a plot and the characters could have been taken straight out of a manga. The writing style wasn't very good and the flow was not smooth. Pacing of the story was nice and hopefully the beta reader can help you with your grammar problems.
Tips: You'll get better at writing with practice. Keep at it & hopefully I didn't discourage you.
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I sincerely apologized for being gone for too long. I promise I will try and be more active :)
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