pickup for DJCyrus

Title: Always With You

Author: DJCyrus

Reviewer: Spark931

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First Thoughts:

 - Title: Typical Title; It does not really make me interested in anyway. I know I say this about all titles, but this is on the far side of the average spectrum.

 - Description: Your description introduces your plot well.00 I like it. (Also note that generally I don't have a strict standard for descriptions anyway.) The only thing I would say is that I hope that your story is not just about getting to this conflict however, but about the drama that will be happening due to the conflict. Anyways, thumbs up! However, there are grammar mistakes. I'm sure you're aware of this, but maybe you are not sure how to fix it? No worries! I will provide the corrected description below (changes in bold+underlined) :

“So is it Alzheimer Disease?”

“All of those irritations, mood swings, and you forgetting things are due to that disease?”

"How worse could it get, Yoori?"

“D-Death...” **There needs to be an ending punctuation here-- I'm not sure what you think is best. Options are: ,  ...  .  

Additionally, you have a few grammar mistakes and typos in your characters' descriptions. I'd check them out ^^ They don't affect your meaning, but it takes away from the 'polished' feel of a fanfic with good grammar and writing convention skills.

 - Poster: Cute! I like it. It does show romance (implied and quote) and angst.

Plot: It's always refreshing to read a fanfic about a lesser known group. It does hurt my heart when one group gets all the attention, and the fanfics that are written about other groups are ignored for the most part. The plot itself (from what is seen in the description) doesn't seem very original. I think that romantic cliche in which a partner contracts/has a sickness that threatens their life is really overused. That doesn't go to say that it's bad necessarily, just that authors have to work harder to keep the readers interested. 

Grammar: Grammar is definitely something you should work on. If you're not sure about something, just ask me! Just c+p into a pm, and I'll be glad to answer ^^ Mainly, your grammar errors aren't about like plural/singular or things like that-- it's more of a pasttense and present tense kind of thing. You started off past tense, but you have a few present tense sentences mixed in. I know it's hard to keep it in one tense, but you have to do it. To make it easier, I would recommend doing a chapter in one sitting so that you don't mix up tenses. If you can, make a reminder for the next chapter so you know, and then take it off once you publish it.

Style: In your story, the problem is that I can't empathize with your characters, which is generally because their actions or the way you explain their actions is weird. For example, when the main character reacts to the proposal at the beginning of chapter two, I get that you're trying to make it dramatic and angsty, but I'm not feeling it. The objective of shock is not reached. Why? Because for one, you said her jaw dropped open sentences before you said she couldn't breathe. is open, but she isn't breathing. You could say, yes is constricted, but actually, you didn't say that in the text, so how could readers know unless they are actively trying to read in betweem the lines as I am, which they won't be. And while this might not be a serious problem when you zoom in, it's things like these that make you story seem unrealistic and unsympathetic overall. In addition, in that same scene, I'd like to point out that you are severly lacking detail. Do you know the 5 W's? They are: Why, where, when, what, who. Right now, you are only providing the What and the Who. While in some stories, techniques can be used to omit the other W's, you are omitting them where they should be. Not only will putting these details in pad your story, it also just provides this sense that makes it more appealing overall. In some scenes, it would make the utmost difference if it where night or day, in the hospital or on the street. Most importantly of all, you need to include why characters are doing things. Right now, I'm not seeing that, and if you were to, it would make your stories infinitely better. Why are you characters doing this? Going back to the earlier example, why are is YooRi feeling so breathless? Yes, she is shocked, you could say, but in reacting to a proposal, feelings can range from happiness, to anger, so it's vital to put emotional analysis into these scenes. Woo; I know that was a lot. Sorry about that ^^

Characters: Especially in an angst story, I think it's nice to have several layers to your characters, which I'm not seeing. You're partly there, and I think it's because of other factors such as style and grammar that their personalities aren't shining through as they should. I won't really address much on this because of the stated reason.

Flow and Pace: While there is no problem in starting off your first chapter with the proposal, I think things are going a little to quick. Yes, I have no questions as to why he's proposing, but you basically summed up all of the main character's reactions in two lines. That could be the case, but in your case, I feel like this should tkae up more time. In general, take time to explain what's going on. I your case, I feel like the dialoge is rushing your story, you just keep telling us what everyone is saying, not taking time in between to show what else is going on. It almost could be a play or something like that, which is not what we want. You want it to flow between what your characters say. That being said, I think the flow between your chapters is fine. For you pacing, as I said earlier, just make sure to explain everything out. I understand you want something impactful to happen in every chapter, but I think you know that each is short. The problem is because you need to put more detail/padding/substance. If it's all just dialouge, it's like you're painting air or something. The plot is there, the dialogue is there, but you need to slow down to get this detail.

Overall Enjoyment: This story has potential, however something that really hindered my enjoyment and understanding, and that I hinders a lot of other reader's enjoyment and understanding is putting a lot of korean in. Yes, I get this story is about Korean people, but remember that you're writing in English, and the last thing that you want to be doing is writing in some language that other people cannot understand. The second problem with this is that you're not writing in actual Korean either, it's in romantization, which can additionally lead to misunderstandings and general confusion. I would say limit your Korean to putting words like 'oppa' and 'unnie' that are vital to the understanding of the story. Things like: Gamsahabnida and uri can easily be replaced with English words. The third problem (I know, I'm not a fan of putting rom into stories) is that you're using the korean wrong. If you studied a litle into Korean, you should know about formal and informal language. It's generally in a lot of languages, and Korean is no exception Typically things ending with -da and -yo are formal, and the problem with this is that despite that, you are saying that characters who should be close and chummy chummy are speaking formally to each other, which is unrealistic. 

Tips: In chapter 1, the third to last line containing the word, bear or bare, you are using the wrong word. The correct word would be bear, in that context. Make sure to fix that!~

Don't use '~' in your dialogue unless your story is a fluff one. It's part of the style of the story, but generally, I'm not into using it at all in fanfictions.

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Thanks so much for requesting, and I apologize SO TERRIBLE FOR TAKING FOREVER on your request. I actually took so long to start doing the requests again, and there are still a few that I haven't started reading yet. Thanks for being patient with me >.<