pickup for lollllli
Title: Life With Seventeen
Author: lollllli
Reviewer: Baekhyun_Biased
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First Thoughts:
- Title: Very vague. But it kinda coveys a cute and fluffy message so that's cool.
- Description: I think you should've put some of the things you said in the forward in the description. But since this is an imagine book, I guess it should have a pretty simple description.
- Poster: Oh my. I really just don't know where to look first. I don't think I've ever seen a poster this detailed before. If I'm being honest, maybe it's too much? I'm just saying there's SO much stuff here. It really just looks cluttered and unorganized.
Plot: I only read the first two chapters. The storyline wasn't the most original thing I've ever seen, but again, it's not like this is an actual story, it's just an imagine fic so I won't be too harsh there. The plot the first two chapters was pretty straightforward, but I had a hard time believing some parts. Like in chapter one, would anybody really cry that much over failing a test. We all have setbacks, but I found that a bit dramatic. And in chapter two, it's a bit childish that someone would embarrass the reader the way the “enemy” did. I'm assuming we are in college after all. Overall though, really not of a plot there.
Grammar:
Just a few things I noted:
“‘Wake up! It's already 7 am, Y/N’ your boyfriend, Mingyu stated in a whiny voice while pulling the covers off you, in an almost futile attempt to get you to wake up as it was the day to collect your results.”
- The first sentence and I'm already noticing spelling errors. You might want to proofread your fics before you post them.
“Hearing that, you immediately thought to yourself, Why is she so obsessed with my results? And why does she keep repeating that? It cannot be- Wait… Wait, it cannot be. He cannot be here, right?”
- Thoughts should be italicized, and a comma should come before them like right here. Also, please use a horizontal ellipsis (…) instead of using five period, it makes it look a lot nicer. And only use one dash.
“‘All this started when you came to fetch me for the very first time,’ you told him, your voice already cracking and the floodgates ready to open.”
- What's with the random italics? Since it's just dialogue, the text shouldn't be italicized. Plus, a comma should always finish a quote when the sentence continues like it does here. You put a period there before. The only exceptions to this rule are exclamation points, question marks, horizontal ellipses, and other forms of punctuation, but as for periods, they should be replaced with commas.
Style: Okay here we go. You said you would like me to focus on description, but I honestly don't really know what to say other than there wasn't any of it. Description can be applied to everything, from characters to settings to feelings. There was none of that. If there is one main thing I would work on, it would be the description, because it is one of the most important elements of writing, and it was seriously lacking. Also, some of your sentences didn't really make sense to me. You might want to reword some sentences.
Characters: The characters weren't well defined at all. I really know nothing about them. The main character kind of came off a bit stereotypical in chapters one and two. Mingyu also came off as a stereotypical boyfriends as well. There was no depth, not traits I could use to define them. Back to the topic of description, I felt like you could've described their personalities much better.
Flow and Pace: Some of your sentences just didn't flow well:
“Hearing all of those, Mingyu immediately scooped you up in a bridal style cheekily, before attacking your face with sloppy kisses and carrying you to the bathroom, before he let gently let you down and gave you a light push in the bathroom to get your morning routine started.”
- Run on sentences. They appeared all throughout your writing, and technically is also a grammatical error. Completely messed up the flow of your writing.
“'Don't want to apologise when it's your fault? What a b*tch!’ she exclaimed evilly, thinking that she had won.”
- I don't think I've ever seen an author use an asterisk to censor a curse word. It ruined the flow of the story. Honey, this is your fic, you're allowed to swear.
As for pace, the grammatical errors and the way you worded some of the sentences made it feel completely rushed. Almost like you didn't put effort into it. I understand this isn't a proper fic, but every piece of writing you put out there reflects upon you as an author. I'd say to reread chapters before you upload them.
Overall Enjoyment: I hate to say this, but I honestly wouldn't continue reading more of these stories. There were just too many fatal errors for my taste, and not enough description. Keep working though, and your writing will definitely improve.
Tips: Reread, reread, reread, reread, reread! Did I mention rereading? The one thing that would improve this story would be for you to reread before you post. You could fix so many grammatical errors and sentences that don't make sense. It would improve your writing so, so much. Other than that, I’d work on description, because it was extremely lacking. I really have nothing to say other than that, so I hope this review provided some constructive feedback that will help you with your writing. Good luck!
Thank you for requesting. I apologize terribly if there is any words that you take on account for harshness. I sincerely say that I do not want to be harsh! If you want any more help, feel free to message me privately!
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