taemeilin_
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Title: Beauty or a BeastAuthor: taemeilin_
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First Thoughts:
- Title: This title reminded me of the new live action Beauty and the Beast movie! XD I like the little twist, like instead of 'and' you used 'or a' which just adds a little something. I'm interested to see what the story is about. Although it's not very iconic, serves the purpose well enough.
- Description: While I do like the shortness, I think the phrasing could be a little better; it took me a bit to take in the phrasing. Maybe try a new word order. Also, I'm not sure if that's the outcome of your story, but it's not good to contain the ending of your story in your description **HOWEVER, please note, that if that was your purpose, and the ending doesn't matter, but HOW she got there, PLEASE don't change it, because in that case, it's perfect! In addition, I think you should add more about how the main character is a monster, or at least a little hint that she's not 'normal'. To be honest, I actually thought she was just a normal high schooler from the description. It's what I automatically assumed XD I'm going to consider the "how you look doesn't define who you are." as part of the desc. While it fits the story well, I think it sounds a little too cliche, don't you?
- Poster: Nice angst feeling! I always have to be nit-picky about something, and now, this something is how small the quote is. But that's fine, just me trying to find something to comment on. Nice poster! It's pretty. What I think is a good idea, is to make some word font sizes larger to emphasize the words.
Plot: I'm not sure what you wanted me to comment on specifically for the plot. From what I'm reading, while it's not an original plot, the twists on it make it something (sort of) unique and worth reading.
Grammar: Very nice grammmar-- spot on! The only thing I would comment on is the occasional word placement and choice problems that make it a little confusing ^^ (but that's not grammar :P )
Here's a grammar mistake: (Press ctrl+F to find it in your story): "But life wasn't all to kind." || What I think meant was 'too kind.'
Style: Your style is quite good! I have a slight problem/question, however. You seem to have switched from a more dark style in the beginning to a lighter style that lacks a certain quality that you had before? I was quite disappointed, because I liked that style very much so. Especially because it's an angst story, that certain style fits very much, and I was sad to see it being reverted back. I can see that style being your 'standard' style, but even during moments where her emotions should be peeking through, I don't see much of a style difference, which is what differentiates good angst stories from average ones. Here's an ex.:
"Why do you not tell the Prince of your true feelings for him? You clearly love him and it hurts you to see him constantly courting other ladies."
Chiyeon's smile remained but the look in her eye changed to one of sadness.
This quote here is obviously one in which she is being asked the express her feelings. In the beginning, you told the reader what was going on in her mind, but now, it's like a curtain is thrown over the readers' eyes. They don't know anything, and therefore, they cannot feel empathy for her. I like the simplicity, but too much is not for the best.
Chiyeon's smile remained but the look in her eye changed to one of sadness.
This quote here is obviously one in which she is being asked the express her feelings. In the beginning, you told the reader what was going on in her mind, but now, it's like a curtain is thrown over the readers' eyes. They don't know anything, and therefore, they cannot feel empathy for her. I like the simplicity, but too much is not for the best.
I'm also confused why you stopped showing the readers her in-depth feelings and just stated them out.
Characters: I find it weird how, even though Hoseok is interested in her, he still thinks it's okay to court other people, and be interested in other people. Despite what you try to convey in your story, he doesn't sound very princely if you look at things very technically. In addition, if he's her fiance, and likes to stalk her, why didn't he just get over the other ladies beforehand? Why did he even become her fiance in the first place? (Was that too blunt? Sorry XD I LOVE HOSEOK THOUGH, DON'T GET ME WRONG.) Additionally, I think it's also good to continue portraying Chiyeon as insecure. It didn't seem that she was really insecure throughout the story except for at certain areas, where it was only mild at best. Especially since the main story is following her, don't you think the narration should be a little stilted to her mindset? (Unless it's following Hoseok? But it seemed like it was following Chiyeon; sorry if I'm wrong ^^)
Flow and Pace: I think your pacing is okay. It is hard to focus on pacing in a one chapter story, right? Here's a suggestion: Think of your story as a video. During standard moments, it's okay to go normal speed, however, think of emotion moments as pressing a slo-mo button. The narrator needs to take a deep breath and process through everything. Don't just zoom by without showcasing all those raw feelings!
Overall Enjoyment: I enjoyed your story. A question that kept bothering me was, if he had a fiancee, why is he still bothering to look for new people instead of trying to gain her heart in sincerity? They're not even married, so I'm going to assume it's not for political/business reasons or anything like that. If he failed to court her, why is she is fiancee? Overall, I think it was pretty good! *Thumbs up*
Tips: (This was done while I was reading.)
1) In your desc: "'Monster,' the girl breathed shakily letting a tear slip out the corner of her pitch black eyes and down her porcelain skin. Her gaze harshly judged the repulsive reflection in the mirror before her." || I think 'porcelain skin' is not the best way to go to describe a girl who hates her appearance. Porcelain is supposed to be pretty a delicate; it's often used to describe dolls. Here's a suggestion: use 'sallow.'
2) "She stared at the dark jagged horns that protruded from her head and examined -- the large black wings that extended from her back..." || **SEE ABOVE CHANGES; in addition, I think emphasize her hatred once more.
3) "The latter on the other hand, seemed to be fond of all the fine ladies in the land. Week after week he accompanied different women of high ranking and status. They were all beautiful, brilliant and elegant but shared a common downfall. That being their impure intentions of seducing the prince so they could get their hands on the crowning throne of Beaties." So, I'm confused. Reading this specific quote, I'm not sure if Hoseok is being fond, or is being obsessed over. Or is it both? And if he's a prince, why's a he 'cheating' on his wife? Why is she still fond of him although she's envious? Is this just a cultural thing in your story? If it is, I think you should explain this to readers.
4) "'You know I'm more than happy to answer you if it is within my capabilities,' the younger's lips curled upwards once again." || While, I'm not sure if it's just my opinion, or this is a common thing, I tend to think that the desc. 'curling one's lips upwards' has a negatve connotation. Try to use a different word that conveys more of a sincere, helpful feeling.
Final Notes: I REALLY LIKE YOUR STORY! It's quite nice, satisfying, everything ends well ending. The usual XP.. So my final thoughts for you are this: work on your style! Add substance to your story! Your narration seemed really inconsistent throughout the entire story. Switching from Hoseok, to Chiyeon, to both of them, it was hard to really get a grip on the style and what the characterrs REALLY thought. While it's okay to switch views, I think you should get emotions down before trying to get the reader to understand the whole story by switching which character you're following all the time. There are better ways to show what's going on in the story. A tip for getting emotions is not just telling the reader them. I get that you're telling why, but also SHOW it. However that may be-- through a different view of the world, through her/his actions. :) Good luck writing!
*Reactions I had while reading your story: 1)I thought she was normal but she's literally a monster o.o wow that sounded harsh-- she's a .... idek? a dark angel? 2) OMG OMG OMGOMG SUZY OF MESSEI YOU ARE A GENIUS. 3)..AND HAPPILY EVER AFTUH!
Thank you for requesting. I apologize terribly if there is any words that you take on account for harshness. I sincerely say that I do not want to be harsh! If you want any more help, feel free to message me privately!
*This is a fun category I added on. I'd like to think you would have fun seeing my reactions! ^^
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I sincerely apologized for being gone for too long. I promise I will try and be more active :)
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